Day 224: Intensity of Self-Judgement
photograph: images of life from Desteni Farm
Day 224: Intensity of Self-Judgement
With reference to the Atlantean series on Self Pity, I continue to explore these points about self judgement, feeling bad and transition into and as self pity. And a realization about the severity of at least some of my self judgements – that the virulence and intensity of these self attacks are a reflection of my belief in the conditionality of my acceptance into a group. When I look into the memories of my past, I find no realisations of the simple fact of being Here, acceptance of myself by me without condition – but instead, memories of situations in which I believe myself to be exposed and ostracized by ridicule, and who I am within this in a relationship of desperate dependence, to be a part of it, depending on the positive judgements as a consensus of the ‘others’, and seeking to define myself within and by, according to these judgements. There is an absolute submission as the victim statement here, of, ‘I’ll be whatever you want me to be’. Or – ‘I will accept and allow myself to define my whole beingness so as to fulfill this want need and desire for the experience of inclusion.’ – Kind of ‘lurking’ behind this is a consciousness or energy-awareness version of ‘Together we are Strong’, or ‘within this I will be con-formed’, or within this togetherness ‘I will be hidden’, so that within this I do not have to do the constant work of facing who I am responsible for myself and the process of my becoming, but instead to ride the ride of my received identity within the imagined group.
Imagined – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be or to not be in a relationship not with real beings in the physical reality but with characters or ‘groups’ that I see within my mind in which I see myself as either included or else rejected as with my family or with school ‘groups’ and apparent ‘group’ entities that I have projected in the world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put these imagined realities over and above what is actually really here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in-clusion to be connected to positive energy through the judgements of my mind, judgements that I have stood within and as. And I forgive myself that through this I have also accepted and allowed exclusion also as a reality within my mind and my imagination, and so also as a principle that operates within reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed inclusion and exclusion as something that exists as real upon an existential level and for not having seen and realized and understood this as a relationship possession of the mind, and as a form of paranoia. I commit myself to stand within this realization of myself substantially as alone but in dependence to the human group, the physical life-form group, one and equal in the physics of this existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach emotional charges to the ideas in my mind in which I see an image of relationship – and who I am towards that image, and how I am within that image, and how my status stands or falls within that image in my mind, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this access to judgements of myself in which I utilize this standing or this falling as a focus of self blame and self recrimination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this point of the severity and intensity of self judgements – that I have not allowed myself to see that the intensity is in direct proportion to the want need and desire to get in-clusion – like the specific ‘you shouldn’t have done that’ or ‘I did something ‘wrong’’ reactions and self judgements to memory pictures in my mind of something that I said or did – where there is at the same time both a feeling of grief and a realization of loss, and fear of loss combined within this energetic shock of judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and to become enslaved to this fear of loss of this imagined ‘status’ of ‘in-clusion’ within imaginary relationships within my mind, and then to project those fears onto actual real beings in my world.
Physically here, while at the same time as the absolute expulsion of the living breath and a final sinking, is a stabbing of pain between my eyes and like a contraction of the tissues in my forehead, and closing of the eyes, a momentary shut-down of the system.
Observing the physical effects of this paranoia, here I have placed a flag of assistance and support to redefine these physical processes as a reminder to breathe, to remind myself that actually really in the real world and reality, I am here. I am here within the abundance of the physical reality of countless physical beings and physical awarenesses.
Here also in the placing of this flag or marker, I remind myself that I can use my imaginative facilities in a constructive way, rather than to be directed by them, as in this situation where my attention, the focus of my awareness is gripped onto and glued to an alternative and unequal polarized reality of imagination/memory/judgement/denial in this pantomime of energy formations within my mind. All of this – I can let it go entirely, or I can bring it back to look at in the cool context of my unconditional self equanimity, to be seen, looked at analyzed and specified and re-aligned according to my self direction. And here I choose to make this flag a permanent marker until such time that I do not need it to be there, until such time that I do not need to re-align myself.
Within this also, I now see and realise and understand that this flag point is also a marker some way into the processes of self diminishment and self inferiorization under the direction of judgement that I have accepted and allowed, therefore it is a flag point to some extent of a point of too-lateness – and yet still it is a point at which I can diffuse the physical consequence of feeling bad from which I have accepted and allowed transitions into the pit of self pity, and the absolute self disempowerments within and as this energy.
‘The absolute expulsion of the living breath’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by the judgements of the mind, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to become those judgements of myself, to rely upon those judgements, to align my expressions and behaviours according to those judgements, to seek the guidance of those judgements, the teachings and directions and conditions of those judgements to such an extent that I have become the judgement breathing me, to such an extent that I have accepted and allowed the absolute directive control of judgement of myself to interfere with the constant breath of physical existence, to intervene in my awareness of who I am within and as the breath in every moment.
Within this ‘absolute expulsion’ of the living breath: in sounding these worlds, I see in them connections to the absolute expulsion from ‘the kingdom of’ the living breath, in which within and as this judgement I am as the God of judgement with the absolute power to expel my beingness from existence, and within that allowance, the unquestionable rightness of this energy, that when questioned has in actual fact no real foundation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power so absolutely, and that as a consequence of this, have become dependent on, controlled by, and acceptive of the stings and shocks and put-downs of self punishment inflicted on my being by judgements as the mechanisms and systems of the consciousness of my mind. I take back ‘absoluteness’ as my own prerogative and apply it in my self forgiveness, that I apply forgiveness absolutely for myself and as myself in absolute support and assistance for myself in continuing to walk my self release from these energetic systems and into the awareness of the physical dimensions through the living breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and then suppressed a belief that in standing in absolute judgement of myself that I stand with God – that within the word ‘kingdom’ I have accepted and allowed a relationship of ‘God’ and the ‘world’, that is ‘ruled’ by the ‘laws’ (allowances) of righteousness – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this image of my total abdication of responsibility as a positive energy within my consciousness, through which I have accepted and allowed and justified the negative extremes of self judgement and the experiences of slavery to judgements of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within the containment of this word ‘kingdom’, a model of hierarchy and elitism in which the world is ‘ruled’ and reined over by superior power. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and according to the rules of the elitism of myself as the mind and consciousness as superior to the physical.
Heaven’s Journey To Life: Day 468: Taming the Wild Nature of the Mind (Part Two)
EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.
The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.