Day 222: Self Pity and Stuckness
photograph: images of life from Desteni Farm
Eqafe – So often in the Life Reviews, just as in so many of the series’ being presented and extended almost daily on the Eqafe web site, a being asks, Have you ever questioned why… this, or why …that – and the question posed is in simple common sense – and thus it leads into another question – I ask myself, Why have I never questioned this? Or, Why have I always accepted this without question? Or how is it that I have built up a structure of ‘understanding’, ‘perception’, ‘perspective’ based on such a flimsy acceptance of ‘the way things are’?
In simple everyday language, these interviews pierce the unquestioned veils of brainwashing that we have accepted as reality. The ‘mysteries’ have been turned upside down, and what we are facing is the ‘mystery’, complexities and obscurations that we have accepted and imposed through and as this consciousness as a cover over common sense, and as a distraction to the one physical reality we share on Earth.
Who am I in this, that is, what is my responsibility in this? – It’s interesting that within this question is the solution to why, having accepted and allowed a role of victimization, in other words, one in which responsibility has been rejected, that the question of who am I would therefore remain as a mystery, a vague phenomena behind a wall of blindness.
So this post involves my moving of myself out of a victimized stuckness and seeing realizing and understanding the sweets of sticky stuckness as characteristics of the energy of self-pity.
These realisations are thanks to the explanations of the nature of this particular energy in the Atlantean series, Eqafe, walking through the pit-falls of emotional possession, and the specific interview (142) on understanding the emotion of self-pity.
Realisations in themselves are of no practical use unless they are applied – they are like little positive energy experiences, or moments in a guided perspective of the way things are, momentary glimpses of a way through – thus on hearing this interview, I had an aha type of experience, a feeling like the possibility of liberation, a sense of lightness, or an enlightenment of the heaviness to which I have become accustomed, and hence not noticed, a temporary simulation of understanding, that could so easily become a memory of an understanding type experience – so rather than accepting me as this, I walk myself now in practicality into a real understanding in which I actually stand up from within this stuckness in a commitment to not any more accept or allow myself to participate within and as this energy.
Understanding is like seeing how a thing works, how a system works, and in that seeing, being able to change it – and then actually changing it – and in understanding myself – how I came to be the way I am – the nature of the systems that I have accepted as myself, the how I am of me.
I have been stuck in my writing, judging myself within that stuckness, judging my judgement of myself etc., recurring – and though I have been looking at the point of judgement, or some of the points of judgement, there is something simple that I have not seen, which is that whatever aspects of myself or of my activities that I find to judge, the end result is feeling bad, a consequence of these self attacks of judgement. Sometimes indeed it is as if my past is a tide of feeling bad, always catching up behind me. And while I am in this process of self investigation of the memories of my distant past, I have not realized that I am stuck or self obstructing because when I look into what I have defined as ‘trauma’, an access to self-pity opens up, that I have felt unable to avoid, and not realizing that to write about these memories from within and as this energy, or even channeling this energy into words to speak for me is the reason why that I have felt there to be no solution in my writing thus. The no-solution-ness of self pity energy is a new and valuable perspective to me on all of this, as is the fact of the self awareness, motivations, characteristics of energy itself. I do not think that I would have discovered this without being shown.
So here is how I have built up a barrier to writing out for me my early life experience, a barrier to my opportunity to see how that worked according to the programming I accepted and allowed to put in place – by programming, what I mean here is simple applications of the living words of who I am towards and in things, as definitions of myself that I have scripted for myself and then have lived.
So here, on the top of and covering this lack of awareness of this energy possession is my judgement of self pity itself, where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self pity is both bad and wrong, so that in seeing self pity in myself I have either denied it or excused it, or suppressed it or else have projected it and ‘seen’ and judged it in others, but all the while have judged it in myself, have attacked my own beingness within and through these judgements, and have then gone into the experience of feeling bad, overwhelmed myself with energy, and through this separation from myself have gone into the experience of disempowerment and then activation of and transition into self pity. As stated in the Atlantean interview, the thrill of pure self pity energy does not last for long, and one slips into a mire of despondence and depression.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see realise or understand that in self pity, I am in a relationship to energy, and that I can change my relationship to energy, that I can stand up from it, that it is only in it, as it, possessed by it, that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody it as a personality of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and to hang on to the feelings of the energy of self pity, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret the sensations of this energy as comfort. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for comfort in self pity, and hence to seek for ways to activate this energy so as to experience this comfort.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the judgement mind value assessment of self pity that it is bad or wrong, while at the same time accepting and allowing myself to go into the energy experience of this as if in secrecy from my own judgement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within these energy maneuvers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to and to try to preserve the feelings of self pity and through that hanging-on, to accept and allow myself to be brought down into feelings of depression – where I have believed that that I might possibly maybe reconnect or re-access the pure feelings of self pity that I have wanted and desired. Hence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in longing and regret and fear of loss in my relationship to self pity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the energy of self pity and within that to desire the feelings of being held, and being embraced and held by this energy, and to feelings of melting and letting go, and giving up on who I am as responsible within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise and stand up within the responsibility of having ways and means of self manipulation to activate the energy of self pity by using thoughts of judgement, self attack, and imaginations for this purpose.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the emotion of regret when I see and look upon the actions that I have made in my past and the consequences that have flowed from them, and that I have accepted and allowed a relationship to consequence that cannot be changed in which I have retreated into feelings of regret rather than to face who I am as responsible for the consequence and to learn from the mistakes that I have made and to reflect on and consider what I have done without participation in the energy, and on who I have allowed myself to be within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself from within this platform of regret for what I’ve done, and from a judgement of myself to go into feeling bad about it, and from this feeling bad to access for myself an entrance into self pity.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that within this maneuver of self judgement of me as bad into feeling bad that I have created for myself a situation in which I cannot see solution and within this position of self victimization through judgement and within that separation from myself and disempowerment, I have created a path that I have conditioned myself to follow into and to activate the energy of self pity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed self judgement as a means to generate the required experience of feeling bad so as to overwhelm myself within that energy and so as to distract myself from the solution of myself that I am here responsible, and within this scheme of who I am as overwhelmed and without solution to enter in again the energy of self pity.
This is an ongoing investigation and retraining of myself in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to investigate these flashes of badness, as they occur, where previously I have accepted and allowed this process of reacting to them as experiences of energy in the mind, as activators of self pity. I now commit myself to investigate and observe these experiences within my physical body, and what I find so far is that at the point of the feeling bad experience, I have stopped in the bottom of my out-breath – it is an unpleasant sensation in my solar plexus, and a momentary paralysis in my chest, there is a feeling of suffocation. Looking at this physical effect of self judgement, I see that it is an attempt to stop the flow of life, or an attempt to withdraw from life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these momentary possessions of the mind where I have accepted and allowed myself to become the victim of absolute control of the physical, expressed through this stopping of the breath. I commit myself to as and when this experience of ‘badness’ has come up within me, to allow myself to breathe, to reconnect myself to the comfortability of breath and physical life and livingness, because I see and realise and understand that if I recondition this physical reaction of breath-stopping then there is no access to the experience of badness that I have used to access the energy of self pity.
As and when the activation of self pity energy has occurred, I commit myself to investigate and to observe the influence of this energy upon my physical body, because I see and realise and understand that I have made positive judgements and interpretations of these physical effects and sensations which follow on from the stopping-breath experience as ‘badness’.
–Follow these online blogs:
Heaven’s Journey To Life: Eternal Darkness Part 3
Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 516: Why Are we Here on Earth? The Battle of the Stars – Part 3
EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.
The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.