photograph: hand luggage
Day 225: Baggage, and Judging My Personalities
A photograph of my hand luggage, last thing to remove from my accommodation before travelling to the farm. As such, this picture represents that point of leaving, having finished a whole process of clearing away my belongings, putting things in storage, sweeping and cleaning and wiping and organising, doing last minute jobs to get the money. Standing in the emptied room with my hand luggage on the table, about to walk out of the door, seemed like a significant moment. Taking a photograph of this was like a note or a memo to look at this later. But in fact I had already looked at it and seen it, and I had seen what I had put into my bag, and I had seen the bare physical reality of the room in which I had lived amongst and in my personalities and other distractions, and now I was standing next to the chair that once I’d sat in, standing next to a window that once I’d looked through, standing in a structure that I had not really noticed in my life. It was like a question had half-formed in my mind – does it take such a drastic leaving process to really notice the predicament of my physicality, that like the objects in this room, my physical body was placed here and there, moving this way and that amongst them, and as one of them. Perhaps I’d never really noticed that my body was a physical object in a room of a building in a town on a piece of land, during a period of time within existence. So busy in my mind and paranoias of relating to the energies within it as if they were actually real, that I’d overlooked over and over again the plain fact of my physical existence, had become habituated to this, had lived amongst and as relationships rather than the things, had lived amongst the thoughts and feelings, the memories, the past, the images that came into my mind. And now I stood within this empty room, on the point of leaving through a door, as a body wrapped in various fabrics, and shoes designed to protect the feet, and a bag designed to sling the strap across a shoulder.
Looking at this now I see it’s like a transition out of a relationship possession, where one discovers in an extraordinary moment that one is simply here, actually with a physical being, or actually simply alone for a moment in awareness of the stability of the physical environment, and all of those concerns that seemed so real have turned out to be ephemeral and like a dream, and melt away, because the substance that was given them is now withdrawn – and another thing – that in this physical environment, I am also here.
How ‘extra-ordinary’ has become ‘bizarre’ is in a way an indicator of how I have become habituated to a simulation of reality that has no self. Where awareness of self in and as a part of physical reality has come to seem, strange, or alien, that no longer fits into the system.
Well it’s not as if I left my personalities behind, packed away in storage in another country – I brought them all along with me! – my baggage – and one of the things that I have realized is how intensely I have accepted and allowed myself to judge these personalities when and as I become aware of them in action, in the records of my memory, in interactions with the people on the farm. As in moments of becoming aware of my moments of unawareness, that I then judge myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, rather than seeing myself within these moments of unawareness, and seeing this as an opportunity for understanding of myself and supporting me with seeing how I can change these things, take myself from unawareness and into self direction, use the tools provided, be grateful for the opportunity that I am showing myself. Whereas what I realise now is that standing in and as judgement of myself in unawareness, in my personality designs, that I allow myself to be directed into these episodes of self attack and bad feeling, not only that but I realise how much my behaviour is and has been shaped by a strategy of navigation in which I avoid the situations that lead into bad feeling.
Here is a locked down system of self-sabotage: I show myself the points that I need to look at and to realign, but I avoid to look at them or I avoid the situations where I might be confronted with them, because I believe that I will automatically go into self judgements and consequential experience of feeling bad, so that in a strategy of avoidance of feeling bad experience, I also avoid the opportunity of self correction, realignment, and thus of expansion and growth and self strengthening – I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped in a system that cannot change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give this reaction of self judgement such power, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the victim in relation to self judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the personalities that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody and to become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a personality as me that judges and attacks other personalities within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I should be perfect’, or that as this personality that judges things, that I know what is ‘right’, and how I ‘should’ be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reactions of impatience or irritation or anger at myself for not being the way I think I should be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind an image of myself as perfection, and to want others to see me as perfection. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as not perfect. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear situations where I might be exposed as not perfect, and to fear seeing situations in my mind as memories in which I might have exposed myself as not perfect.
Within all of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fallen into accepting and allowing a personality as me to be directing my own process of self realisation, in which I follow and align myself with images of perfection in my mind, as if there is some part of me that already knows where process leads, and what it is that I must simulate, in order to arrive at some place that it has already been. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know in my mind where process of self realisation leads, that all that I must do is match myself with this appearance or image in my mind.
Heaven’s Journey To Life: Day 468: Taming the Wild Nature of the Mind (Part Two)
Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 517: Why Are we Here on Earth? Creation of the Machine -Part 4
EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.
The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.