Day 8: Not leaving me behind, but glancing where I’ve been.
Not leaving me behind in a moment today, a succession of practical tasks, and a walk into the woods in the rain.
In my practicing of breathing and remaining here with the physical, when there comes a moment of shift, I invite myself to ‘Come back Here’, I speak it softly and in patience, sometimes I use my name, and the tone of my voice I find as supportive as the words I use. I feel my voice vibrating in my chest, and likewise supportive within and part of my enjoyment of the fluidity of me as breath spreading into and throughout my physical.
Where have I been in this distraction of the mind, what have been my desires and conversations with myself in there?
Amongst the scattered thoughts and fragments of memories, I see my preoccupation has been propelled by hope that one of these may lead me to my self. As if one of them may be the first few sentences of a complete expression, or even that the first few words may be the first few words of a completed sentence. I never considered that these thoughts were actually exactly what they appeared to be, just fragments. The point of fracture, the torn off edges as it were, I took to be the effects of my distraction, and I assumed that there was something here that I was refusing to see and that I was looking at the cut off point of a suppression, or else that what I was seeing was a remnant of my own shattered personality. Gather up these fragments as I may, they would not fit together.
Now I understand and realise that in my behaviour as a being caught up in the machinations of a consciousness system, I was functioning exactly according to design, running around in circles of pre-occupation and distraction.
In all of this I can see that the nature of my preoccupation has been in seeking for myself, has been me dwelling in hope that I might find myself. And if I could find myself, what then? What would be this ‘self’ that I was seeking to find, but an image in my mind of a complete expression, a vision, a work of art, a set of reasonings of an invention of some sort, something, anything, that resource of myself that I believed was there, as ‘the undiscovered talent’ that would make me money.
So in this consciousness domain I had defined myself as this lottery machine in which if only I could put the balls together then I would hit the jackpot, and this specialness of this image of myself would be validated by money. Amongst the fragments in my conscious mind, flurries of bank notes. Bank notes; pieces of paper with numbers on them, pictures of heads, promises of signatures of bankers, that in my possession, if clutched in my hand, that then the power is mine, and in my acceptance and allowance of this, my acceptance and allowance that in the hands of others that then the power is theirs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there must be something ‘wrong’ with me because I could not put together the fragments of my conscious mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this separate form of life defined and limited according to the systems of my mind in which my chief concern is my survival as this mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be seeking for myself and believing that I might find myself, when all the time I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be seeking who I am according to an image that I believe to be somewhere in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a generator of money so that I can serve my own self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in hope that I can make real this image of myself in my mind as a generator of money to validate my own self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a positive relationship with hope in which I charge hope with positive energy, in which I define hope as positive energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be energized and to be as positive energy within having hope, and for not allowing myself to realize how in this relationship to hope I am continuing my acceptance of myself as a system of energy as the mind and will continue to serve the interests of the mind to make sure that the mind survives in spite of life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having thoughts of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be energized by the thought of having money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having images of banknotes in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can validate myself with money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed in my relationship to myself as money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the beingness of existence that I am to be as a resource for making money, in a system of money, in a reality defined by money, so that I can protect this illusion of myself as a system of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek and define myself to be as my own resource of my own self interest and in consequence my own acceptance and allowance of the self interest of all others and the inevitable creation of an elite in the world experiencing my own projected heaven of self interest, as well as millions of beings suffering without the most basic of requirements as hell so that I can continue within my hope and my preoccupations in my mind of possibly one day hitting my own jackpot of specialness so that I can get money and survive as my own illusion of myself in this system that I have created.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a world in which lotteries exist in the support of a system of hope and the systems of the mind in which millions of people direct the money that they have so that maybe possibly they may get vast amounts of money and live in a heaven of self interest while millions starve and millions climb the walls to make ends meet to pay their debts.
I commit myself to standing with this process in which I learn how to release myself from this energy consciousness as the mind and I commit myself to standing in support of all as me to stand as equal and as one so that all can walk on earth as the physical as life in the honouring of all as life in the realization of what life is and the discovery of what life could become.
I commit myself to stop this world mind system of money and self interest and competition and conflict and separation and abuse of life as it is and do whatever I can do to support the founding of the solution of an Equal Money System as a new world system of equality in support of all life.
see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life