Day 7: Me as Laziness Exposed

My Experience with Procrastination and Laziness

I’m not going to allow myself to take forever to get around to writing about this, because I know that in this pattern I would eventually be writing in a big rush, of having to get it done in a real hurry of the mind, or else finding that it’s too late, or choosing something else instead, which would be really unsupportive of myself, because this pattern of laziness and me have been for a long time intimately entwined.

There is a sort of seductive quality to this laziness, it really is like an addictive drug. “Yes I am a ‘little bit’ lazy, but it’s not too bad is it?, te, he”, would come the back-chat that I accepted and allowed. That snigger on apparently ‘getting away’ with ‘having to do’ something.  “It’s only a little point”, and “I’ll deal with it later” etc. Interesting how making deals, and dealing have all to do with games and contracts and drugs, that in telling myself that I’ll ‘deal’ with it, is very far from saying that I will actually stop it, and as such it is a self manipulation. (design of laziness)

It’s interesting how through these self deceptions, I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss and ignore what may possibly be a central or crucial support to this personality of consciousness as who I am, as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be. In the realization of this I have to face the fact that while I have been clearing and realigning and releasing myself from other points, I have been all the time walking past and protecting a commitment to consciousness by encapsulating the entire design of this specific point within a group of judgements of it being ‘trivial’ and ‘insignificant’, and further protecting this point through secrecy in ‘shame of being lazy’, and within this issue of ‘being’ something that I have been accepting and allowing this self definition of ‘who I am’, as the nature that I have believed I cannot change. (ref: human nature) On top of all of this, a layer of fear. Yes a real layer cake. Plus the justifications that I have used to support the beliefs, or the reactions to my own dishonesty and sneakiness that I have utilized as points of shame as further protections of this design of me.

Recognizing this to be a malady of major proportions, since even in a brief survey of this my life on Earth I see how I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a suspension of animation, (see zombies), in a holding pattern, in the drug-tank of consciousness, stunned and vacant in an illusion of ‘here’ within the framework of quantum time, the now of consciousness, in which I have robbed myself of the opportunity of actually really being Here. (Anu 11)

Recognizing this, I now commit myself to changing and transforming this aspect of my nature through pulling out and self-forgiving this entire design in all its detail as far as is possible in thoroughness so that I leave no points behind to reassert themselves and re-erect this pattern. I commit myself to be available to myself to support and assist myself in maximum efficiency to release myself from my own accepted automation of self-interest.

How in practicality I have enabled myself to even begin to write myself out on these points, is by and through already having done some preliminary Self Forgiveness that has already assisted and supported me to as it were to start again with the direct and clear intention of facing this entire design, as far as possible, so that I can stop and change this nature of me that I have accepted and allowed. The crucial realization in being able to do this has been the realization that who I am as this system of consciousness is not unchangeable but who I have defined myself to be. Without this realization I would be unable to grasp this, being within it, as it.

So how I started in the process of facing this point, was in the incident of noticing in myself a faint fluttering of fear. Here is the timeline:

I see a picture of a clock with its hands near twelve.

A thought comes up, that ‘time is running out.’

I feel inside my solar plexus, fear.

Going into Self Forgiveness on this experience of energy I soon discovered that I was entering into the outer layers of the web of this procrastination-laziness design. Now I have extended it and read out to myself aloud the statements I have made.

Self Forgiveness:

I see a picture of a clock with its hands near twelve. A fear came up, with the thought that ‘time is running out.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to this thought that time is running out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this thought to a picture of a clock with its hands near twelve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the imminent arrival of a deadline beyond which ‘it is too late’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing that I haven’t done what I could have done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the consequences of my procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take action in common sense in the moment when something needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off facing the reality of my procrastination, by saying, ‘I’ll do it later’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off releasing myself from this energy construct by telling myself, ‘it’s not that urgent’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off releasing myself from this energy construct by telling myself, ‘I’ve got more important things to do’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off releasing myself from this energy construct by saying, ‘but I’m just writing this blog right now, I’ll do it later’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off releasing myself from this energy construct by telling myself, ‘I’ll just mention this procrastination right now, and then work on releasing myself from it later’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with my own excuses.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that in deceiving myself and justifying my own laziness I am in fact defending the survival of this consciousness system that I have dedicated myself to releasing myself from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped within the ‘now’ of consciousness by not doing what is required of me to be done in a moment, thereby accumulating ‘unfulfilled’ moments within myself – whereby I am literally still trapped in those moments – and thus, of the past.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see how this accumulation of ‘unfulfilled’ moments has become this experience of laziness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk as breath, wherein I, in every moment, direct myself within what is here and what is required to be done – in the moment, immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed procrastination to become a habit as a personality that I defend because I have become addicted to laziness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest a habitual behaviour of laziness through constantly and continuously procrastinating – creating and manifesting the feeling of laziness as a drug in my mind, to which I have become addicted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the feeling of laziness as a drug in my mind – whereby I have come to believe that I am unable to move and direct myself in my world – completely accepting myself as the self-definition of ‘I am a lazy person’ – through which I limit myself to the utmost degree.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to laziness and the feeling of laziness. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being lazy and for allowing myself to believe that this is who I am, and that I cannot change, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant judgement of myself as part of who I am as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the thought ‘I cannot change’ and to believe that this thought is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other people may find out that ‘I am lazy’, because in my judgement of myself as lazy I feel ashamed of being who I am according to my definition of myself as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep my laziness a secret, and for not allowing myself to realize that in doing this I am deliberately keeping my laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this laziness and to fear the loss of this laziness, within which I am fearing the loss of who I am as who I have defined myself to be as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by a system of energy in which I ‘take it easy’, when in fact I am going into a shut down mode of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘I don’t need to do that’ and for believing that this thought is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘I am too tired’ and for believing that this thought is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘I don’t feel like it’ and for believing that this thought is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘It can wait’ and for believing that this thought is me. Within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that I am actually saying that I can remain in a state of waiting in this moment that I let go past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘I can’t be bothered’ and for believing that this thought is me.

Within this I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that in saying ‘I can’t be bothered’, I am actually stating a belief that I am unable to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of the irritation that comes up within me when I have been ‘bothered’ in which I also fear the loss of my cozy cocoon of energy of laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my reactions onto others in which I make them responsible for my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reactions of irritation because they are forcing me to move out of my cozy cocoon of energy of laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a thought that says ‘it is not urgent’ and for believing that this thought is me.

Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be only directed by urges that may seem to force me to do what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing ‘that nothing is urgent’, so as to justify my refusal to move and to act only in ‘my own sweet time’ as in the sweet time of consciousness in which I do nothing, and in which I am not really here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the real urgency of action in physical reality to turn about in me and in the world as one the forces of self-interest to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a lazy person and from this self definition and addiction to this feeling of laziness to manipulate myself into believing that I cannot act in the moment when I am required to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a victim by my own design within accepting this self-definition of me as lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a procrastination system of resistances to acting in each moment according to what needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my laziness by believing that ‘I have got away with it’; ‘that’ being an activity that I have judged already and programmed myself to not enjoy, or to fear doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to amplify my fear of future fear so as to justify my laziness in not doing what in this moment needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and believe the thought ‘What’s the point?’ and for not allowing myself to see that I am stating that ‘There is no point’ and that ‘if there is no point I will not do it’ and that unless I see an immediate benefit in the form of energetic self gratification then I will not do it and that I am using this as an excuse and justification so that I can remain in my containment in myself as laziness and not do anything and deliberately withdraw from life so as to remain in this illusion of myself as mind in spite of what is happening to my world in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge with and as my mind what are important and not important points for me to face within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in my own judgements as voices in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control this process of myself through myself as the mind in this process of releasing myself from myself as the mind, and I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the contradiction that I live and that I have trashed my own integrity for the sake of an energetic experience in my mind that I only value because it is what I think is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make judgements about what I am required to do in this moment according to the question of ‘What’s the Point?’ in the context of my own self-interest, as in “What kind positively charged energetic experience will I get out of this?”

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to act directly in the moment in common sense, or else assess the ‘point’ according to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and believe in the thought ‘It doesn’t matter’ and for not allowing myself to see it as an excuse and justification so that I can remain in my containment in myself as laziness and not do anything.

I forgive myself that even though I realize that what matters is that all consequences become what is best for all that I have accepted and allowed myself in spite of this to make excuses and justifications of why I should not act in common sense in response to this, creating this, supporting this, in thoroughness and detail so that I know that I have done what I could do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing in my mind that if I do not act, then there will be no consequence, so that I can feel ok about remaining in my containment in myself as laziness and not do anything but satisfy myself with good intentions and give myself good feelings in visions about what I’m going to do tomorrow, while all the time I know in my secret plans that when tomorrow comes I can ‘if I feel like it’ make the same choice I made today, while secretly I know that I will certainly feel that way because I am addicted to this feeling of laziness, and I am playing games of self deception with myself which I do not want to look at because I fear seeing  that I have trashed my self integrity in service of this laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing in my mind that ‘nothing matters’ so as to justify myself as laziness, and for within this denial of what is real to cultivate an attitude which promotes Life as a game, in which I can be unaware of my spite and my self abuse by existing in facetiousness and entertainment and an illusion of a reality without consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be waiting in this beingness of me that I have allowed and accepted in this containment of now as as laziness as me waiting for myself in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘nothing matters’ in the service of my self-interest as the web I’ve spun around myself as laziness and for not allowing myself to realize how I am creating a world in which nothing matters and the suffering that is in the world doesn’t matter, and the destruction of life doesn’t matter.

Self Correction.

Here I make a list of all these excuses and justifications that came up in my self-forgiveness statements: to each one of them I give a red flag:

Before I say ‘I’ll deal with it later’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘I’ll take it easy’, I stop, I breathe, I ask myself is this really actually so ‘difficult’? Or is it just this that I am doing? It is what it is. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘I don’t need to do that’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this directive from the mind to wait until a ‘need’ arises. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘It’s not urgent’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this directive from the mind to wait until an ‘urge’ arises. I direct myself to act. I do not wait until the point where it is too late. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘I’m too tired’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this directive from the mind to wait until I have some energy. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘It can wait’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this directive from the mind that I can wait within this moment in the past. Instead I simply apply myself to the task.

Before I say ‘I can’t be bothered’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this manipulation of myself that I cannot act. I do not accept this irritation with myself this relationship with myself as laziness. Instead I stand and do what needs to be done.

Before I say ‘I don’t feel like it’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this directive from the mind to wait until a feeling comes that I prefer till I do what needs to be done. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘It doesn’t matter’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this judgement from the mind about what matters and what doesn’t matter, I matter, it matters to me that I take direction of myself into my own hands, to not let procrastination be an issue in my life. I do not neglect the things that need to be practically done, I stay abreast with myself and I manage the tasks which arise in my day. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

Before I say ‘What’s the point?’, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept this statement from the mind. The point is this point that I am in to say this. I do not accept myself to trap myself within this moment.

I do not accept myself to trap myself within these moments of my life.

Corrective actions to releasing myself from procrastination and laziness as integrated into my Physical body.

Doing things differently with my Physical body. When and as I see myself going into habitual patterns of sitting down in the same chair or in the same way, I stop, I breathe, I sit somewhere else, or I sit differently, or I sit on the floor, or I do not sit at all, I direct myself in my physical behavior. I move my physical body.

I commit myself to Actively releasing myself from this construct.

This is an application of the realization that I am at all times showing myself what I am and what I have become so that from this position of stability as myself in my breath I can face what is here to be faced and no longer fall into relationship with my relationships in which I am reacting to my reactions and servicing myself as this addiction to energy that I have become.

Discipline.

In breaking out of Procrastination and its outflow of Laziness specifically and in me walking this process, I am walking discipline. Here I redefine this word so that it stands as a principle for what is best for all life and can practically be lived by all equally.

Here is the system definition:

The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience

To train (someone) to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.

To obey rules and if they are not obeyed punishment will follow.

Sounding the word:

Dis is de line, this is the line,

This Is The Plan!

New Definition:

Discipline: To as breath in each moment be aware, to see and realize that This Is The Plan, to act within the single plan of what is Best For All!

desteni.org

equalmoney.org

eqafe.com

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~ by adamsblogs on April 21, 2012.

One Response to “Day 7: Me as Laziness Exposed”

  1. Thank you!

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