Day 12: entering regret

Further into the specifics of my regret: and here I make a start on this my relationship to regret. This point seems to open up and up and up.

 

Since yesterday I’ve been noticing how I have been in fact looking for the ‘sweetness’ of my own regret within the sounds of bird song, within a longing for some day from long ago which I might possibly reach back to and experience again, and also how in moments in which I have deliberately played recordings of a piece of music with the intention of experiencing my own regret and then justified the experience within my mind as beauty. These would be aspects of a relationship with regret that I have accepted and allowed as positively charged.

Seeking that intensity of the lost moment of a memory stored, in which I feel regret.

 

So I begin to open up this point of my experience of me as regret within the sounds I hear.

 

What is here, as I write? In this room, the sounds of traffic.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the sound of cars going by my house a negative charge.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear the cars go by my house and feel my experience of myself as of regret.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted a thought in my mind of ‘the engine of the machine of the world’ out of the sounds of the cars going by my house.

 

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize that this feeling of me is not the cars going by my house, but me accepting and allowing myself as regret.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘time going by’ to the sounds of cars going by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of ‘people working hard to get their money’ to the sounds of cars going by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself ‘sitting in this room’ to ‘people working hard to get their money’ and judge myself and go into regret when I hear the sounds of cars  going by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have judged the people of the world for rushing about in preoccupation and distraction as part of a machine and for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this is what I am hearing with my ears as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thought that ‘the world is fucked’ and that ‘there is nothing I can do’ as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this experience of me as separated from the machinery of the world as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not the machinery of the world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot stop the machinery of the world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot stop the machinery of myself as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself in circles in my mind while cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this feeling of regret that I am not here at all but in my mind while cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thought that ‘I should be here’, as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thought that ‘I should be there’, as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thought that ‘I am being left behind’, as cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this picture of ‘the world going by’ in my mind and then felt regret while cars go by my house.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through listening to these words in my mind of: ‘the world is fucked’, ‘there is nothing I can do’, ‘I should be here’,’I should be there’, ‘the world is going by’, I am being left behind’, that I have accepted these thoughts as me and see myself as something that has ‘happened to me’ or ‘something I had done’ or ‘I had not done’ because in me seeing and hearing in my world at once all that I have accepted and allowed, then I resign within it as regret, and see and hear around me this regret instead of what is actually here.

 

In seeing myself as something that has ‘happened to me’, and felt regret, I am seeing me as something of the past and am living in the past as a picture in my mind.

 

What is here is what is here. Cars go by my house. They make this noise of motion. I hear it in my ears. I feel vibrations in my body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this preoccupation bullshit in my mind in which I do not hear what there is to hear but instead experience this who I am that hears as through and in this regret.

…I continue into this next blog

 

see also: Heaven’s Journey to Life

and: Creation’s Journey to Life

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

Eqafe.com

 

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~ by adamsblogs on April 27, 2012.

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