Day 370: The Emotional Detective
Waking up in the morning with the awareness of my intention to look first at the starting point of this day, what word would best express or be underlying, or defining, my presence here, as a simple checking of the status of the current programming – and finding that over and over it was as if I had no access to such a word – and in the experience of having no clue – a realization – and it took me some time to get to it – that what I was waking up into was a subtle emotional state, and that within and as the world of which, I could not see it. It’s like in being as a blue mind, I am seeing a blue world, and everywhere I look there is no such word as ‘blue’ within the detail of it – how could there be? To what could it refer?
That question, within regards to realizations of being within and as – in place of ‘blue’ – an ‘emotional mind’ – where I am looking into the depths and reaches of the world and find there what – reflections of this mind, projections of this personality, layered on the surfaces of everyone and everything. And in a way, there is no new information, because all I see confirms my everyday normality – seeing only how I see things, which is in itself not a ‘seeing’, but is instead an experiencing, in which what I see instead are the facets of my experience as states of energy.
In support of my realization of this, and strengthening to me, there was a moment when this veil was down, and for a moment what I saw were some physical human beings in a physical existence, without the bells and whistles of ‘humanity’, without the story of the history of it all, that gives it shape, without the garments of emotion, without the integrated visions and experience of my reactions and projections, without the energetic jazz, kind of naked in a neutral way, that I am for a moment in a neutral state. And something that came up in me was like a deep sadness, that everything had been simply geared to not see this, that I am responsible within all this to have accepted and allowed myself to fool myself so long, with the bells and whistles jazz, to have allowed the multiplicity of that veil to be so fascinating, to be so binding. That sadness has a value to me; it is a sadness that is directly touching intimately my real life here: in understanding for a moment how I’d fooled myself, I’d found some grounding here, like here was a moment where I could say I got an inkling of what it was to be on Earth.
So the question comes: How did I create this emotional programming that I have woken up into and as? What is going on that I see now had become pre-established in my waking moments? And what I see is that I have been investigating a specific word and my relationships to this word where I have in a way over-focussed it, and become totally involved in it; such a priority that I have given it, such importance, so vital that I must resolve it, and resolve it Now, before I go any further! And ‘Stop the World’, stop everything, I have to look into this, and thoroughly, and effectively, where I can see now both excitement and apprehension come up together as if ‘at last’ I’d found the dark treasure at the source of me.
Something that I’ve noticed here is how I have allowed the word Investigation to become charged up – where I have become the emotional detective, getting hooked into a mission, prepared to go down all the rabbit-holes, to leave no stone unturned – all of these – where instead I might have simply stayed with real investigation: becoming neither excited nor anxious, but walking placid simple steps of understanding.
What I had become in the midst of this ongoing rush of investigation of extremes of excitement and of anxiety, not having come to point of change, was like a sense of being up against a wall, or being cornered, a place of seeing clearly that Enough is Enough, and yet at the same time not having the strength to carry through from there – and the residual state of this within me, in waking to another day of this investigation, as pointed out by the Atlanteans, was a state of desperation – desperation as an energy, as an emotion.
Even without seeing this consciously, what I had observed within myself was that a state of quietness had come over me, and looking at this, I had trusted me within the decision to walk this quietness deliberately: it was as if I was aware within myself deep down that I would need this quietness platform to investigate a construct that I had become aware of – but here for this post – are some of the surrounding circumstances to the issue of ‘points coming up’ and new dimensions showing themselves.
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