Day 453: Steadfast (4) The Embrace of Self Forgiveness
… So…continuing here with my personal exploration and Redefinition process of the word Steadfast: how I have defined it and how I have stood and stand within and in relation to this word.
What I’ve done so far has mostly been concerned with opening up and clearing, and so understanding, to some extent, my personal difficulties, problems, objections and obstructions to bringing this word into my life, and so through that, making way for me to whole-heartedly engage with Steadfast as part of me. And in that phrase, Whole-Hearted, I see here how the point comes up again of my denial of Steadfastness as me, like a fear of really owning it.
Keeping a grip on seeing this process through is for me the physical exercising of this word in real-time: that seeing of something through, as well as follow-through, they both are qualities of Steadfast that I am now kind practicing in my writing out of me. How I can apply this seeing something through, such as for example, me, through life, is what now I start to open up as well.
Having opened up so many realizations about myself in previous days, and about mistakes that I have made – and how I have then lived the consequence of those mistakes – now, in the course of writing this, I come to a place or part of me – that I have also often accepted and allowed – in which I tell myself that I’ve done enough – that I have released myself from this and that, so why not now just let it be, in this example, let Steadfastness kind of naturally develop… yes, right… hmm… something that I see in this is how I’ve made it all so big, so epic: the elements involved within the picture of the helmsman at the wheel, with who I am as the ship itself, and as the voyage, these components of Steadfast are now kind of looming over me… and though they are blown up large I also see they still have value.
So at this point – which is some days later on – I form a plan to ground myself: I take myself back into that moment in time when Steadfast first came up in me, ‘as a word that I could live’, and I realise now that this was my interpretation of the event; the word came up in me, and in a way I was reacting to it; thinking in my mind, I knew what this was for, and why it was there. I did not consider that a point in my awareness could have been just showing me the simple fact that in that moment, it was a word that I was not living.
…So not a where have you been all my life kind of moment in relation to this word, lol, where then it seemed to pop up from the blue, as I followed that interpretation, but more like: How come I let go of Steadfastness, the steadfastness that is part of me, and how come I made that choice within me of letting go that Steadfastness of me, that then led me into that quagmire in which I was reaching out for something – like a suggestion of a word to live – to help me.
So here, going back along the timeline from that reaching out for strength, I look in to the moment of that choice, that moment when I in fact abandoned Steadfastness as part of me. And I realise that this is not a one-of kind of moment; I recognise it as a place I tend to get to. Often there is a decision and an action in a moment that I know would immediately support me, no big energy involved, it is simply just do this or do that, quite straight-forward; while all the energy that follows has come from my resisting that, making a big deal out of that refusal, and the turmoil that I cause within me in my judgement of the way I am and for passively looking on while I let myself continue into something else instead that is obviously not best for me, or supportive of me.
So now I look at Steadfast more on a smaller scale: the follow-through, the seeing of it through, through the tasks involved, through the individual steps: here is where it is in the small moments, rather than in the epic voyage, that for me the living steadfastness can be more consistent.
Being steadfast in relation to myself would be in simple moments not reacting to my own reality, but rather, remaining steadfast in my unconditional forgiveness of myself, where yes I see the reality of who I am is going into judgement, or irritation with myself, for ‘being the way I am’, for doing this again, or that again, in which what I have accepted and allowed is that there is for me a point, a final straw, a moment in which the reality of me is that I am now in fact not unconditional – or steadfast – any more, I have chosen giving up on me, I am now holding who I am against me, and within that irritation what I see is that yes in fact within and as this stance, self forgiveness is actually useless, meaningless; from self forgiveness as a constant living action, attitude, support for me, what it has become is self forgiveness as an incantation in my mind. And yet not seeing this from within and as my righteousness, or seeing how insubstantial it is, I come to blaming self-forgiveness as being not enough, and then I am looking around for something else that I can do to bring me back to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Steadfast, to fear facing that Steadfast exists within me, that I have accepted and allowed within this fear, a deeper fear that in facing this, that I might lose my justification in playing the victim role around the apparent and alleged absence of this word. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this fear to protect, excuse, and hold together a personality that I have lived around this point. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both abuse and use this word that represents a living part of me for the sake of the agenda of this victim personality. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘keeping a grip’ within and as energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a fear of letting go of the control that I impose upon myself through and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the steadfastness that is already part of me, in separation from me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to not see the steadfastness that already is an expression of me, and to then go into a not-knowingness about myself in which I tell myself I do not have it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as lacking steadfastness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have made the choice to not be steadfast with myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in that the steadfast that I live is not an absolute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in judgement, as superior to the reality of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when seeing me within the act of making choices that are not in support of me but are instead choices that support my returning to the ways of mind and consciousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact within myself that who I am as judgement is who I am within and as a personality of reaction to the reality of me, the me that makes mistakes, that does not learn so quickly, and that who I am within and as judgement is a projection of myself that is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of being steadfastly with me in support of me to become instead irritated with me, impatient with me, giving up on me, and within that I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized that through my own impatience and irritation with me I take away the space and time from me to see myself for real and for me then to understand the reality that I am seeing, and through that come to understand how I might change myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in judging me that I have not given myself the opportunity to understand myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the steadfastness that is part of my expression to not extend into my relationship with myself as steadfast in my standing with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my steadfastness in standing with me to be conditional.
Through all of these considerations, I open up another question: What has to happen or change in this relationship, for self forgiveness to become constantly the embrace in which both I see myself, as is, and also hold myself, and support myself, in which I come to trust myself to walk with me throughout this process of this journey of my life here on Earth, in a steadfastness in which I stand with me throughout the moments as they come?