Day 445: The words Elation and Dependence
A memory came up as I began my walk into the word Elation, a word that came up for me recently: the memory came from years ago, a trek into some unknown hills one night in Scotland, for various reasons, such as missing trains and late night buses, and so I walked. An interesting effect: as the roads closed in, grew smaller, and less straight, and then turned into meandering lanes, and thence to tracks, and thence to barely even paths, so at the same time, the surrounding hills grew bigger, opened up, grew wider, darker, more remote, and as the miles went slowly by in starlit darkness I became more and more convinced that I was lost. But then the moment came along when the sun came almost bouncing up, and suddenly in those warming rays of light I could see the fields and hills and valleys all around me and in that moment I realized that I was not lost, and it was like my heart went out towards the sun in simple gratitude, and I love you were the words that coursed up through my body: here I lived the word Elation.
Now, looking on this past experience of this word, I question what it was that I was living within and as ‘I lived’: for sure there was extreme intensity, and a high of energy, in contrast with the shapeless fear and definitionlessness within and as being immeasureably in the experience of lost. That suddenly what was thrust into my world was specificity and definition and so relief of ‘knowing where I was’ all were contributory to this experience of Elation.
And yet looking at this now, especially in the light of what was shared by the Ocean, I see how I had defined the experience of ‘knowing where I am’ according to the outside world and according to the source of light, the sun. It was as if my belief of being in the hands of greater purpose had been confirmed, that in the experience of this moment that everything of me came racing up through me to acknowledge that.
So as the journey goes, I see how through this word Elation it serves me now as an outlook on religious programming that had infiltrated into my very nature: ‘knowing where I am’ dependent on projections of the outside world, as if it were a solution to the lostness in myself, that I had suddenly reached for that interpretation and had then accepted it as real.
And so the question comes of how to venture past and beyond this outlook in the hills and through this programming, which had become so much a part of me. Stepping from a point of ‘everything I thought was true is real’ as in this experience of Elation, to the point of ‘everything I thought was true is wrong’, and yet within this, ‘I am lost’ comes not as wordless feeling, but as an inspiration, as something real within me. I recognise here also many points that Jack brought up in My Second Death in a recent recording in Journeys into the Afterlife. Not that my experience in life has been as extreme as Jack’s, but something that I realise is that questions that could lead into experiences such as Jack’s have always been for me kind of close at hand, waiting to be asked.
You could say that dependence on this religious programming had always been, and had been always known, to part of me, as a starting point of self dishonesty in which I had accepted and allowed an idea of the nature of existence as a reality, that I had the arrogance in my mind to decide on what was real and what was not. Awareness of this self-dishonesty dawning in me had added to the dissonance within the word Dependence, that experience of a negativity within the word itself. And within my experience of Elation, an experience of triumph over self dishonesty.
So to the word Dependence, my personal approach to it, in seeing how for me a negative charge exists within it, is to look here right into this negativity, seeing that in this word there is a depth to it, and so maybe see and understand the history of it, and clarify the nature of it.
This continues from the previous post, on points that came up for me, listening to the Ocean sharing realisations of some basic programming of Consciousness, and the basic nature of Religion, and the Wake-up call coming from the questioning of the base belief of a greater being ‘out there’ and so questioning the acceptance of ourselves defined within the hands of greater purpose: Up comes the question of what is my relationship to dependence on this base belief, do I really actually want to see, acknowledge, recognize that this is a belief, when in doing so my dependence on what I have accepted is exposed to me, so that then I do not have excuses for it, I cannot be the victim of it any more.
A consequence, as mentioned by the Ocean, of believing that ultimately we are in the hands of greater forces, is a kind of listlessness, an indolence, a lack of drive; that in the context of this greater purpose of the world I experience myself as insignificant. I see now how this consequence itself is adding to the difficulty of standing up and also to the experience of drag in facing that dependence on that primordial vision or belief of being in the hands of something greater, while layers of acceptance over lives and generations also add to the resistance, lives and generations shaped by this belief.
So here, within the word Dependence are histories of fear of questioning this belief, and of failing to actually grasp it, and me protecting me from ultimately, what, the imaginary consequence of questioning a program I have accepted and allowed and on which I’ve built this life. So within the word Dependence, also fear of seeing distinctly what exists within this word, and fear of letting go of the belief in who I am, defined as ultimately in the hands of ‘something greater’.
As mentioned in my story of my experience of Elation, I am not writing here about this ‘something greater’ simply as belief in God, or not, which in a way is how it manifests in world religions, but in the way that this religious programming exists within and as the very core of how I reason, how I experience myself, it exists within the very definitions of myself that I had always taken as a given, and so not seen, and also had refused to see, had feared to see, had invested in this fear as my guardian, as my protection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a definition of and so experience of the word Elation as a victory over my own awareness of my self dishonesty, in experiencing a definition of reality that is false.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the dissonance within the word Dependence is also my awareness of my own self dishonesty, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to live dependence on my own acceptance of a world that is not real, but a programming from which to propagate a tree of consciousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of seeing this as it is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this fear to guard me from my own awareness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see my self dishonesty. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extent of questions in me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose control of questioning. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a limit on my questioning. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen if I question the basic definitions of myself that I have come to be dependent on and recognize within myself as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me a fear of a reality of Equality, in which my definitions of myself that I have lived do not exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realise what might there be for me beneath the programming of the context of ‘a greater being out there, a greater purpose.’