Day 444: The word Acceptance
Gratitude is the main feeling that I have in listening to the words of the Ocean. This sentence coming out like this, as I open up this writing, is interesting to me because it’s something that I might have also said long time ago when the physical ocean of the world was like to me, my personal companion. That I could just sit quietly with myself beside this vast wild presence was a constant source of wonder: in a way it was to me like a God, a symbol of Reality, and I could ground myself beside the roaring and the crashing water and a pulse that I could not quite connect with, it was a source of comfort.
And in later years when I became an adult, I would feel a yearning now and then for that, and so go check in with that same experience of being there amid the elements. And so in the event of the Ocean speaking through the Portal, I was kind of well disposed towards this being, welcoming whatever words might come. Sometimes beings come through where I have this feeling of affinity; my experience of being is kind of oceanic. The word Affinity comes up here, it becomes available in the out-play of remembering the lost connections. And for sure what the Ocean had to share about its process shone much light into my own, in which many parallels opened up, and standing out specifically for me amongst these points, the depths within the word Acceptance, showing me dimensions of this word that I had previously just glanced over.
For example, I had never with the word Acceptance, given me the space to ask the question, but what is my experience with this word, how does it feel to me, what effects does it have on me? But when The Ocean described the experience of Acceptance, I realized that yes, my experience of this is similar… an experience of a dullness… “like this dark oily substance that would ooze within me and completely cloud me from any access into my thinking, my ability to think, to question, to see direct, to step back, to realise that I have the right to essentially wait, pause, spend time for a moment and first look at whatever is presented to me, and consider all my options, all perspectives, all dimensions, and from there, first decide whether I’m going to accept or allow this and from there make a decision to act or not.”
It was quite soon after the Portal had opened that I began the deliberate walk of process; listening to what the beings in the Portal had to say had opened up for me extensively the wider reality of our existence, and of myself as part of it. Seeing realizing and understanding my personal responsibility in a history/life that was largely shaped by my acceptance of designs of consciousness, I tested out the tools of writing and of Self-Forgiveness, and more recently, of Redefining and Living words. The Self-Forgiveness statement of changing things that I had previously accepted and so allowed I have by now applied to many aspects of myself as I unfold the layers and reassert myself or deliberately give back the presence of myself into what I have become. And yet with what the Ocean shared in fathoming the word Acceptance, the support for me has been in seeing how I can really deepen the effectiveness of my application of the tool of Self-Forgiveness.
And in the case of the experience of dullness of acceptance here comes a reminder for me to sharpen up the questions, meaning that the sharpness of a question to myself as to who I really am within accepting this or that will likely bring me to a point of change; that such a question asked could actually change my own reality, it has a kind of scariness about it. Do I really dare to ask myself? Around the presence of the question forming in me, I feel a kind of holding on within me coming up, a fear of change. Here is where I know within myself that I have been depending on an acceptance of some sort, and that I must now let go of that acceptance, and of that dependence on it. How much do we all depend upon beliefs and within dependence so protect them from the risk of questions? It’s like we do not want to see that house of cards.
So many times in my life I have withdrawn from such enquiries into what is real because of such a fear, and because of all these times, it has become quite easy, I have built a layer of acceptance of myself in making such maneuvers: and within that, a tolerance for not being real with me but only playing games.
Such as in forgiveness of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears, reactions, judgements and projections and beliefs: it’s not that those forgiveness statements have been futile, and after all it’s brought me to here, and forgiveness of myself for participating in the play-outs of what I’m living as Acceptance has supported me to face the reality of myself with less reaction, though sometimes what I have accepted on top of everything has often been not to look too deeply into that acceptance.
Something that I saw looking into this was how judgements that I made had misinterpreted this ‘not focusing on what in fact I had accepted’ as me just giving up – where in my mind I thought that the correction here would be to somehow stop this giving-up – that I must do some work to strengthen me – all of which may have been true – but what I did not see was how it was that I had not really questioned the acceptance, and that I had let the belief within it stand, so that while I may have been forgiving the outplays of it, the outplays would continue to crop up wherever the belief had an opportunity to express, and so really in myself blaming me for not having the strength to finally stop these things, without clearly realizing that I had not stopped the source of them. Here is where the experience comes up in me having forgiven myself quite often for the same sorts of reactions, but not with any lasting effect, where instead of seeing that within it all I have made no approach to the underlying belief or acceptance, I have gone into instead reactions toward the persistence of the mind and judged me in my weakness in this situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am somehow and in some way in the hands of a greater force or wider purpose in the scheme of things, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea of a greater force to define me, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody this. I forgive myself that within and as this same acceptance, that I have set a limit on my own responsibility for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the absoluteness of my self responsibility, not seeing realizing or understanding that it is my fear of questioning this base acceptance in my mind on which I have built my life, and built my comfort zones. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a life in which I see myself as playing a lesser part, that I have become content with being as an observer of these greater beings.
The four Ocean recordings are part of the Earth Nature and Weather Series on Eqafe, quotes in this blog come from the second recording: Acceptance Decision and Action are a Single Package. There are many other aspects to these four recordings than I have mentioned in this post; this post is by no means a review of their entirety, but some points that stood out for me within them.