Day 378: Narratives of Guilt
The narratives of a future of continued guilt are the narratives in which all goes wrong, all will fail, will come to nothing, these are the types of backchat that are carried in this guilt; the pre-programmings of a future life of guilt, where rising up in the course of a day there would be a drag back, like something always pulling back, a reluctance, while within and as this pattern I had not noticed how I had been channeling my anger as contempt for me in living as the definition and recipient of these hostile judgements – where I had accepted and allowed this, like a constant dipping into a dark resource of motivation, reacting to the who I am as bad and wrong and those things – and so through judgements then, find ways to access guilt, and so then to walk the practiced patterns of my management of that, those patterns being like giving up with visions of futility, like hiding from that world in which all is left but to demonstrate again that everything will go wrong, or else not bother, get that energetic tired thing up, and slide into depression.
It’s interesting in a way that the guilty personality depends upon being fed by judgements, because there is a new aspect for me in this realization: that in forgiving me in my instances of self judgement, in my propensity for self judgement, forgiving me for my acceptance and allowance of participating in this judgement, there is an aspect that I hadn’t seen, in which while I forgive myself in this, I have not looked at how at the same time I still accept myself to be dependent on these judgements so as to feed and activate the familiar ground of guilt, where I ‘know’ in my mind what to do and how to deal with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy experience of guilt, and within that how I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on my access to self judgement in order to constantly supply the guilt with the fuel of my reactions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within this point, where I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as victimized by these judgements, when there is a reality beneath this in which I am secretly responding to a need I have myself constructed and designed to feed this guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require being triggered by self-judgement so as to feed this personality of guilt. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me guilt experience as a backdoor in my mind, where returning to the patterns that I have lived have seemed attractive like a form of safety, I forgive myself that within this I have accepted and allowed myself to fear something different in my life.
Continuing next post…
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