Day 383: Care and Matter 3
…continuing from recent posts… in which I have been looking at how I have defined and lived the word Care, finding an entrance to the word through seeing myself within the back-chat script of ‘I don’t care’, where in an everyday distraction I enact the shrugging off – and the declaration of a definition of myself – as in who I am in ‘I don’t care’ instead of where a simple directive Stop to these distractions would have been effective. It brings the question up of this: Do I really any more need to rouse a personality to cause this stopping in me?
So here a view of a line of back-chat as the seemingly incidental and everyday personal little moment, like the little peak of an iceberg, while down below, layers and structures of beliefs and self manipulations…
Standing back from ‘I don’t care’, I see it’s like a sample of an argument, that in myself that I have accepted and allowed that I need support in the process of moving me, that in needing some kind of a stance, I was accepting and allowing a belief that I could not just simply move myself.
Here, focused on the ‘I don’t care’ backchat moment where I choose to shrug it off, a build up of thoughts and pressures and distractions around making a decision, believing in my mind that by trivializing it, through I don’t care, that I had really in fact made it smaller, or less effective: that according to my judgements it is real that part of me ‘does not matter’ is not worthy to be considered in equality: that is like a frame through which to see one’s own suppressive activities, a manipulation into somehow being ok with: so therefore not to look much closer at it, but instead, moving quickly on, as if walking out of that discussion in the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and be aware of my own insecurity as me as an experience within my own authority, where not seeing that rather than standing and giving myself the space to ask the question of who I am within this, what my purpose is, I have instead allowed myself to rather refer my own authority quickly to the lines of backchat in which I am defined already as a simulation, so that I do not have to face this insecurity inside me, so that I do not have to face myself in seeing that I am insecure within my own authority as me, and therefore need to look into that, or seeing that I am living an assumption of a narrative of who I am, that I know within my self is questionable, where rather than embracing this, I have instead created in my mind a scenario of discussions for me to blame, and within that feel victimized by. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings of righteousness within the trivialization and shrug-off aspects of ‘I don’t care’ that I have accepted and allowed as the declaration of a habitual relationship to parts of me within my mind, and within my body where I have conditioned in my body these reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my own mind as in being as separated from it, as an object of blame. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made and stood within a judgement of manipulation and deception and that within that have not allowed myself to see myself within the acts of self manipulation as well as the manipulation of others in the world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see my self deception, my self manipulations. Within that I forgive myself that I have held against my own forgiveness of myself, that I have drawn a veil of judgement across my seeing of these things that I’ve become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of my own self-judgements in seeing how I have designed these aspects of myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require this fear relationship for the purposes of self deception. I forgive myself for who I am within this system, standing for and as I don’t care, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a negative experience in relation to care, like in a gesture to stop the existence of care, as in an act of magic, as in an act of defiance, becoming like this one dimension that cannot be moved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word Care as being a deceptive word and one that I must protect myself from: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to these perceptions that I accepted and allowed as real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within seeing the word Care as being deceptive, that I am holding Care to blame for the way I feel… therefore seeing that how this came to be, as well as ‘won’t be fooled again’, are both derived from the bubble and the break-down of that, that I lived as care possession, in which I gradually expanded a desire for the experience of care, into a fantasy world of this experience, like in my mind something emotional and spiritual, like an idea in my mind of mother love, that secretly though she could not express it, that secretly she could see who I was, that she liked the way that I was turning into me, so that somewhere in my life even far away there was this point within my mind of support. Although school life and family life were both in reality full of conflict, and becoming more so, I sort of floated along amongst it all, buoyed up with things like, It’ll be ok, and, It’ll all work out, as aspects of this care experience that I imagined to exist.
As it happened, in reality, in a period of a few months, my parents moved away and separated, my father died, the children all dispersed, there was no home, and I was out of school: all of these physical support systems that had previously gone unnoticed in a way, were now together, like the proverbial rug being pulled out from under me. I dared not express the anger that I felt towards my mother, I feared the depth and force of my own rage, in seeing that she could just allow herself to walk away, and not respond to me, while what I accepted and allowed for me was to take this personally and resonate my anger as blame towards the parents, family, home, school and friends and education: It’s all a lie! None of it is real! And towards that word Care: it was a lie, it was not real, and, I won’t be fooled again. I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed myself to be playing games of who’s fooling who within myself within my mind within my life here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live this sentence as a primary relationship towards the world, as being: You do not care about me, therefore as revenge for what you’ve done to me, I will not care about me either, so that I can be an example of the consequence of what you’ve done. Kind of, Take that, slamming the door in my own face. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to destroy my own relationship of care to me as self support for the sake of a feeling of exaltation and righteousness within this spite reaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the word Care to blame, and grateful to myself that I have allowed myself to see this point, and I commit myself to release the blame that I have invested into Care. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto so tightly my personal definitions of care so as not to undermine the basis of my blame, and within that to accept and allow that I might be responsible within all of this, in which everything that I have defined myself to be might then possibly not exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of stepping down as ego.
Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of loss as who I am within movement of this stand of blame, and I commit myself to release this fear of loss that I have accepted and allowed to bind me, and I commit myself to release myself from the limitation of this stance, and statue in a way, that I became within reaction to collapse of Care as I had defined it, and as I had defined myself within becoming as an objection to it.
I forgive myself that in standing as an objection to Care and within that defying a principle of life that I have accepted and allowed a level of guilt within myself, a level of judgement on myself that who I am is bad or wrong, that I cannot immediately simply step from ‘I should care’ to actually living it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form this expectation from myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate a guilt in me as me for the sake of holding on to ‘I don’t care’ this definition of who I am within a stance of blame. Therefore I commit myself to let go of this guilt and instead forgive myself that I have made mistakes in my creations, that in releasing of this blame, I recognize my own responsibility and I re-empower myself to change the way things are in how I have defined myself in relation to Care.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define care from a starting point of a desire for the experience of care, in which I lived within ‘I cannot give this to myself’, ‘This is something that I need from others.’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this for me to define care as a feeling, as an energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to this energy, to not see how in addiction that I am open to manipulation within these points. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within exposing to myself how I’ve become susceptible to manipulation with being enslaved to care, as well as judging me in seeing me also in manipulation of another within simulating care not as an expression of myself but as an idea, as a construct in my mind.
I commit myself to clear these structures that I have placed in Care.
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