The Word: Dispute (more information gathering)
Stepping from the drawing, and the drawing board and thence onto the building-site: physical things don’t go just this way and that way; there is always so much more involved, things that weren’t apparent in the plans and intentions.
Such as learning to bring the structure of a method into one’s own living life, and here specifically, with my intention to walk the structure of the method of Redefining and Living Words, where in stepping forth into a Walking phase, a new release of information unexpectedly comes up, and I see and trust that further exploration of the content of the word as it exists inside me will be supportive.
So it’s here now to keep a reference to the precise direction of the plan, while at the same time taking into account the reality of the terrain, where through how the word unfolds, I come to opening up more primary relationships within it, coming to a realization of a fact that I had concealed within me, of how what exists within this word for me has also in it a point of acceptance and allowance of a hatred for who I am as anger within and as the word Dispute.
With this realization – where I left of writing – late into the night – was one of those look into the abyss moments – of seeing to what extent this word had permeated and shaped my life, had become a part of the structure of my relationship and so experience of who I am in relationship to groups, starting with relationships to family and a record of a sort of rites of passage situation in a way in which the child takes on the family system, and rather than negotiation, there is friction.
Aha, the word Negotiation comes! I mean yes Negotiation would be a pretty cool thing to have around me, in my presence as I stand within the word Dispute, where in negotiation there is reference to common ground. In negotiation there is consideration of both self and other. And for me another plus within the word Negotiation is how it can be applied in simply physically negotiating paths and ways to go, as in negotiating the terrain: it is a word that already has this grounding in the physical dimension.
Looking at the word Negotiation, I am grateful for all its syllables, for its stability, and placing it next to the word Dispute, I see how fast the word Dispute has been for me, like open and shut, and black and white, a belief that in Dispute I must speed up, that entering the word Dispute I reference memories of emotional experience, feelings of uselessness within a turmoil of squabbling with siblings, feelings of insecurity that came along with my simulation of my father’s construct of authority, fear of a communication breakdown with my mother for whom causing her to feel upset was a serious offence. The most serious offence in a way, in my mind, because in seeing how she withdrew herself from me, in reaction to me, I accepted and allowed a hatred of this part of me.
…continuing next post…