Day 404: Walking with SOUL, the word Dispute (4)


Why did I not stand up for me? A question I can open up some more, for me in support of me, acknowledging first that yes, I did not stand for me – that who I was within not standing was in fear of exposure, fear of loss – what was in such moments mattering, what matter was I standing in protection of, in which the actual matter of me became embedded as a secret to be worked around – and in that workaround to then be layered into history – and programmed into ways of being – and practiced ways of seeing things – through the frame of which I saw myself as being the victim, and within that aligning into righteousness, where in and as these postures it had become impossible for me to see the actual human beings involved, to be able to consider who they were within themselves beyond relationships that I had defined, or to be able, while going along with the experience of these definitions, to consider who I was within myself.


How emotional dependency comes with fear of loss of relationships in which I am defined in separation from myself, not having allowed myself to live a word for me – for my example of me, Worth, is described by the Atlanteans 303 – Emotional dependency “…is usually what causes people to not really speak up, not really support each other, not really be direct, not really be honest, because then you would compromise so many things, because you would hold onto that emotional dependency, not risk exposure…”


Continuing this journey into who I am within the word Dispute, in which I have been approaching a point in which first I saw a kind of outline of fear around my expression of me as anger, and then looking further into that, and seeing how the word anger in my mind became connected to the fear of the breaking of relationship, and fear of loss of the experience of Worth that the relationship provided.


Here is a memory that came up in me; it was a moment in which I reacted to someone’s facial gestures, where I shifted into a focus onto them, as blame, in which I believed in my interpretations, believing that I was seeing through their mask, as if I’d seen the evidence of who they really were, uncovered, and a point in which I told myself that I could not trust them any more.


In the memory: simply the fall of a smile that had somehow supported me for a moment, but then just dropped and fell away, like a veil, exposing a hostile expression – and yes there’s more to this considering that this person was important in my life – but looking at this memory again and my reactions, the experience was like a gift that I refused to see: this being was showing me my strings – pointing out this moment of suspension – in which dependent on approval I had given away my own authority in Worth, that I had defined an experience of self worth into that approval, yet not allowed myself to live this word for me.


Looking into this I begin to understand and see how it would follow out of this a world of fear – fear of my own expressions that might jeopardise my access to Worth, such as expressions of my being and life – that in support of the emotional dependence I had accepted and allowed to be suppressed and re-suppressed – that is parts of me, expressions of me, that I came to despise: here is where self hatred came to exist in my consciousness – where in and as a construct of myself I felt betrayed by forces of disruption, those spontaneous parts of me, that in my mind seemed to want to sabotage this access to Worth, that I was not allowing me to give to me…






Continuing next post…  








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