Day 401: Walking with SOUL: the Word Dispute

Walking with SOUL

The Word: Dispute

It comes as a change in me to see how the word Dispute is simply a word, having cleared a whole experience that was in it, that I had attached to it, and then lived by: that was through a whole process of looking at how I had defined myself in relation to it, and a clearing process in the sense of self forgiveness and release of the energies. See recent posts. It’s not that this is complete and absolute, there are probably other layers that will come up.

But now, walking with SOUL, I am going to share a redefining process: for me this means an exploration of the question, How can I , How do I want to,  now live this word – in this body – rather than as an emotional trigger – because I can see where that has led me – and how can I support myself with extending who I am within and as this word into my being into my physical, and all of me.

And what else can I find within this word, that could actually be something new for me, because for sure not hearing was a part of it, and so also, not seeing, and I can see now that what I called the understanding of this word was not real. I mean, it was not an understanding as such really, much, but more a familiar and routine experience of programs that I referred to in my mind as understanding.

Things I found in my relationship to Dispute seemed to involve quite a lot, the ground: an image of walking on egg shells, quietly steering round the conflict, avoiding it, fear of losing ground. And a lot of fear: fear of what effects those frequencies of Dispute might have on me, fear of losing control within a fear of escalation that was, brought back to me, a fear that  I would not be able to resist the temptation to shift into an attacking mode, and then go experiencing an aftermath of judgements onto me for losing it.

Egg shells maybe, but also more like a mine-field in a way, because the word Dispute containing suppressed anger is quite an unstable thing to bring to a situation that I have defined as a dispute. How I put my feet down on the ground, what my grounding is, where is my stability: these all are questions that would arise from this. And yet why not bring stability and grounding into the word Dispute?

So even though there may remain a tendency for anger, lets make some room for other things as well – because it’s not that the anger itself is either wrong or bad, but that my relationship towards it is full of negative judgements and negative inferiorizing definitions of myself, in which I have in fact taken part in hating me for being the way I am, and so suppressed this part of me, as these expressions of myself in anger.

And writing this, a memory comes up that shows me where for example as a child in Dispute I make a stand before my family, I am standing as a change of character in a way, defining who I am – not to go into the negative reactions that came up around this –  which I did take personally – but it shows me how Dispute was then defined by me as my stand of definition, there was the pleasure of for the first time learning to articulate myself, and learning to stand as an expression of me.


Ok I’ll leave it here for this post till the next.

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
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