A bit of a Pandora’s box this one: a world of self-manipulation, competition, jealousy, self-treachery, opened up for me as an aspect of my own as-is reality, in looking at the question of how I had defined and lived out Loss.
It is in the nature of judgement that definitions are imposed onto other beings; it is a form of arrogance: one assumes a righteous knowingness of others, and then asserts this knowing, claiming that they are this one thing or that one thing in absolute. That I made the choice to simulate and to embody such a form of consciousness, and in so doing, apply it to myself, it had the consequence of my living out of definitions of myself that were absolutes, I became within me the assertion that who I was could not be changed. Within this starting-point I see at once the very source of a depression: that if who I am cannot be changed, the belief that – with learning being change – that therefore learning is impossible, except on superficial levels. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief to exist within me, and so for this belief to have played a role in the shaping my life.
In a way it was like I made a home for me from that feel-good righteousness positioning while at the same time accepting that I was the victim as subjected to the assertions I was making, such as that who I am is bad, or less-than others, of no value, worth, these were definitions of myself that my righteousness depended on. Seeing righteousness embodied and expressed by those around me, such as in the playground, I made the mistake of interpreting this as strength, and since what I really needed in myself was to develop strength it seemed to me that it would be supportive to simulate such things. It was in such mistakes of interpretation that I made these choices. In the choice of giving up on my own authority I came to see that same authority imposed upon me from the recipients of it; from seeing that authority expressed as righteousness, I became subject to it.
On listening to the recent Loss recordings in the Future of Awareness series, (114, and 115), I took some time to look into my early years in which Loss played quite a part; I’ve looked into these years quite a bit, but this time returning with the deeper question of, What was it more precisely that I had defined generally as Loss?
Much of what I had previously included into Loss was the story of the victim of it, seeing myself as being deserted, let down, being left behind, abandoned, or rejected in some way; the experience of those interpretations. In fact there were many circumstances that were outside of my control: the financial stability of my family, the decisions of my parents in the face of that, a crisis in their relationship, my father’s sudden death, the loss of house and home: a story of the sudden break-up of a family. And yet my experience within all of this was entirely my responsibility; because the experience was the play-out of how I had defined myself within it, and the thought that came up in me, and it was probably a thought that comes up into many children’s minds in situations like this, which was: [therefore] Who I am is not worth caring for. It was from out of seeing the play-out of this thought and writing out myself in self forgiveness statements, that a very different story then unfolded, not the story that I liked to tell myself, but the story of who I actually was and to some extent, still am, in telling it.
Strength from understanding; and understanding from self-forgiveness: here I stand within and as my own authority of self-investigation. And here I share some unraveling self forgiveness statements from out of the assertion of who I am as an absolute, defined as Not Worth Caring For, and looking at the specific experience of Loss that came out of this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the conclusion that came up in me at this crucial time, a definition of myself that sprang up in me from the idea in my mind that, I wasn’t worth caring for.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take this personally, that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this new situation that I was in was an expression of others’ lack of care for me, and so within that for me, a measure of my lack of worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my worth according to my judgement of whether or not that people cared for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worth according to the care for me of others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the care of others for my sense of worth. I forgive myself that I have accepted and myself to define care as something that bestows value, worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define my own worth for me as me within me but to instead trust my worth to how I saw my relationships to others from how I saw others relationships to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess others’ relationships to me, and hence my worth, by comparing their relationships to me with their relationships to others.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my assumption that I can assess my worth by observations of relationships between other people in my outside world, and drawing conclusions about the value of who I am within myself through comparison of these observations.
I forgive myself that I have limited my observations and comparisons of other’s relationships to me and other’s relationships to others to those others in my life that were significant to me: such as to my mother and my father in relationship to my siblings; such as partners in relationship to friends; such as friends in relationship to friends; such as teachers in relationship to pupils in my class.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within all of these relationships, for it to become a part of my normality for my sense of worth to be going up and down on the waves according to the moment and to the situation. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to question this or look too closely into this dependence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of what I might see if I were to look into this point of dependence in which I had put my worth into the hands of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of loss in losing people in my life and in that loss experience self pity and depression, and through becoming addicted to those emotions feared to look beyond them and see that this sense of loss was actually as well the loss of my access to an experience of self worth through what I saw as being the care of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have value only when it is plain to me that I have value in the eyes of another being, when in moments of insight I see that it is so, and my own value worth of me is released from out of the suppression. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that life itself, living, being alive without condition is actually what Value is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself instead of seeing Value as it is, to believe instead in an experience of energy in my mind as the potentiality of my value/worth, and not question why the experience would fade in time and return me into the suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt the experiences of self pity and depression as a default experience in my mind as a comfort zone of my resignation in this sense of loss, not seeing honestly within myself what it is that I have lost, not seeing that it is not the case that I am the victim, that I do not have control of how other beings are toward me, and in that, seeing myself as ‘abandoned’ or ‘left behind’, but seeing that what is real about my loss is that I do not any more get that sense of worth as supplied by others in my mind, and therefore must begin to learn how to value me, how to take responsibility for my worth, how to see my worth anew as something that I can develop, as something that I can accept for me, give to me, return to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my own authority into the hands of others that relate to me in modes of judgement, that through doing this I have come to accept definitions of myself ascribed to me, definitions of myself as absolutes, that I am this, or I am that; that I have come to relate to myself in this exact same way, settling the judgements of definition on myself in such a way that written into them is that who I am is who I am that cannot change myself, that understanding who I am is not going to help me, that written into loss – that who I am is not worth caring for – the definition of myself as – not worth – I stop the ‘therefore I won’t care for me’ – and so ignore myself, and leave myself, the same as what I see as others doing to me – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change this sense of loss into a form of spite towards myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed, extending from my definition of myself as loss, as validating my victim status, to have in my secret mind, rejoiced that I could reap from this a treasury of righteousness.
It’s not that righteousness is ‘bad’: it’s that ‘being right’ as a point of superiority is both illusory and a transient energy reward: being ‘right’ begins and ends within the mind, there is no anchorage for it in the physical reality of Life. A future of righteousness fuelled unconsciously by loss and blame is not a Life, so much as a reaction to it and against it, an ongoing argument for the mind.