Continuing from Day 450…
From the point of Steadfast coming up as a word to redefine and live, I come to look at now the point within it of seeing me accepting me not making my best effort.
What is my best effort – my personal, honest assessment of Best within me? Just within never having really asked this, I see how much I have relied on a version of best that I’ve defined as if through the eyes of others; and I see that very often in my past ‘do your best’ has meant to me that something less than my own personal best effort would also be acceptable, since what is or is not my best effort is only known to me within my secret mind, so, demonic snigger, there is room here for deception.
In fact do your best has sounded like good news to that cursory or chagrinned part of me that I opened up in the previous post, that part through which now I’m walking, seeing how much I’d sabotaged my opportunity to live Steadfast, I now practice Steadfast in this introspective walk, by going more diligently into the details of that sabotage, and better understanding them.
And looking at that definition in my consciousness that ‘I am not worth the effort, since I cannot change’ I see how much my effort has a secret limit to it, and ‘best’ has really just become a presentation to the world, being used for purposes of deception; so here is this word Best defined as part of me as in this personality within a drabness, not as a living word, but rather with a kind of sourness, or a sneer to it.
What sort of mediocrity do I decree for me in my creation process, applying this word as it stands like this in me to my ‘best’ potential? What could be instead of this, within the nature of this word Best as a living word, as a component of the living principle of Life, and as well a part of me realigned with who I am as Life in the midst of Life?
How to link up Best as defined by me, for me to align with the Best that is defined within the principle of life? Re-establishing for me within myself, the Principle of Life, as Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All: is seeing in my introspection what I have applied of this, or not, in points that come up in me in the moments of the day, in points I upturn in my introspections, hidden aspects of my self; that is how the compass/backbone of this principle stands behind my application of self-forgiveness, stands behind my redefinition process of myself, and of the words through which I live.
Written here, the Principle of Life expressed in words, in words of English Language; translated into symbols I can in my human consciousness understand. But how would it be defined in the words of the language of Life itself? What would be the contents of this word Best for this universal force? Would it even be a word, as such, or a living being in and as itself? What happens within me, being aware that I can as yet not answer such a question, is the opening awareness in myself of how great the force of this word Best might be, and a vision of what Best might be without the limitations I had put on it.
Just playing now for a moment with ‘The Force of Best’: what comes up in me is an image that Mykey described in Redefining Steadfast, it was the image of a ship, an ice-breaker, and a focus on the breaking chunks of ice around the bows. It was that strength, or push or force that he described which really struck me. Here was for me a new addition to an image of a ship that I had previously imagined, where my ship was much about a Steadfastness of keeping straight and upright in a stormy sea, keeping that grip, holding fast; in addition to this for me now was to focus on that force of pushing through, and then not just as the master of the ship, but as the ship itself. That image of the ice breaking apart under the impact of the ship’s bow pushing through serves me here as an image of Steadfast.
Where was such push to come from? Something that I realized when I began to redefine the word Steadfast, when asking me the question, of how I was to even set about it? …was to stay with me in my recognition of the importance of it for me, that within that recognition, to have that push of setting other things aside and give this my immediate full attention.
Exposing characters that I have embodied in my life that have acted as a hindrance to my questioning of me what is actually in fact entailed within this word Best that I have lived, as well as considering what Best might be for Life itself, have all supported me in seeing exactly how and in what way Steadfast might be possible for me, a specific change in me that I can deliberately bring about.
Seeing these foundational beliefs that I have accepted and allowed, that ‘I am not worth the effort’, and also ‘I am not worth caring for’; these have been like unconscious mantras resonating through my life. Being faithful to my judgement of my ‘worth’, I have defined ‘effort’ for my self-support accordingly aligned with these foundations.
So I see here how ‘my best effort’ has also been infected by these mantras, as well as what this word Best would become for me; so in a process of elaborating who I am within and as this disempowerment, when it comes to my self assistance and support, there is no push, well, not none, but less than I could muster. And seeing a glimpse of the actual truth of things, that I am Life in the midst of Life, carried in that glimpse is the importance to me of getting a grip on this, on this life that is actually me, and the importance to me also of my redefining Steadfastness that now I actually need and reach for. So I see here that is in this realization that I initiate that push for who I am within and as that ship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word Best as being associated only with the world of comparison and competition. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in judgement of competition and comparison. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider in myself what is Best for me, in how I have defined this word within me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider what Best might mean for me beyond the word of competition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am apparently getting away with something when I tell myself that I don’t really have to push myself to really and in fact get something done, and I respond to that belief. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘getting away with it’ in a positive energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no consequence in this, not seeing how within this that I have strengthened my belief that it doesn’t matter, that who I am within my effort doesn’t matter.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live the word Best according to my judgements of my worth, that within this I have accepted and allowed my best effort to be limited to my measure of my worth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my best effort to be without the core of me within it; not seeing how I have secretly defined a limit to the effort that I’m making, not seeing how I have defined myself within the limit to the effort that I am willing to make for the sake of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within the phrase that anyway, I don’t matter, a form of comfort in the implication that therefore I do not have to have responsibility. I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed for responsibility to have a negative charge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the phrase, I don’t matter, to exist within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me the statement that whatever I try to do, that it doesn’t matter, that if I feel uncomfortable within myself or if I’m challenged that I can put it all aside until I’m feeling like it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to the feelings that come up in me when I make an effort, that if I’m feeling good with what I’m doing then I continue with it; and that if the feelings change, then I respond immediately to my belief that anyway this does not matter, and so postpone what I’m doing, even knowing with myself that this is not my best effort.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own judgements of myself in failure. And that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not make my best effort then that failure that I see will not be real, because then I can come back with, well I wasn’t really trying. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this strategy to be fighting with my mind, to be in argument with parts of me, not seeing how my actions and behaviors are being defined by my fear of my self judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I see myself in regard to my own process as being accepting that I do not push myself to walk through points as they present themselves to me in the moments of my day. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for me within those judgements definitions of myself as just being weak or tired. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see these basic programs in my mind for what they are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a religion in myself in which I feel ok with remaining faithful to my judgements of myself, judgements of my worth, and then feel uncomfortable if I make an effort for myself in disregard of this religion. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the choice of remaining faithful to this religion by acting on the movements in me that come up in me as feelings.