Day 252: Emotional Mechanics
I realized recently how I had been driving my old van while under the spell of a misapprehension – having just gone over the clock on 200,000 on the milometer, I had become used to the fact that the water temperature readings would go quite high, specially after flagging up steep hills, or stuck in a traffic jam – so I had chosen a point on the dial after which it was time to slow right down, open the window and turn on the internal heating full blast so as to drain some of the heat out of the engine, like I had chosen a point after which to start worrying and go into and as anxiety as a negative experience in my mind. Given that my life at the moment is on a shoestring and that I do not have ready money to get another vehicle or afford garage services, and that I have not learned basic mechanics, the thought of breaking down somewhere can easily pick up catastrophic undertones – so when that little red pointer on the dashboard got to this chosen point, I had conditioned myself to go into these anxiety reactions. So, the misapprehension was that this particular point on the temperature dial I had defined as the ‘danger point’ – was real, because, as I discovered when riding along with J who knows a thing or two about old diesel engines – when he leaned over and looked at the dial and told me that that was in fact quite a normalish temperature, and the needle still had far to go before even the fan coolers would jump into action. So as we drove along the needle went up, and up and then settled at a place on the dial that was way above my chosen ‘danger-point’, but my experience was now entirely different, I did not go into this anxiety, but instead enjoyed the drive.
Looking at this I realized that I was showing myself an example of how a simple piece of information can come in and change my entire experience, where somehow I had made up a belief about the meaning of the readings of this instrument, and reacted to it so many times, and had not questioned it. The consequence of this new information is that I drive faster, I am trusting that the van is not on the point of imminent break down, I am trusting that my life as me and the van as a tool for earning money is not on this point of imminent break down, my perception of the van is different, and my breathing, adrenalin levels and the well being of my physical body are no longer constantly entangled and integrated into this dial on the dashboard, where I had decided who I would be in that moment where I had set the trigger point.
Writing this out, I now have space to look under the bonnet, as it were, into my own mechanics – where the anxiety showed up at this ‘danger point’ with the backing of my whole life experience, a life in which I have travelled many years somehow without a commitment to myself to see to it that I have enough money in reserve for such situations, a life in which I chose a happy-go-lucky approach to things, a life in which I had put so much value into my own time, my own expression of me regardless of not having any money. Well not regard-less really – my regard for money was actually negative, emotional, dismissive; from teen-aged years I saw myself as far above all of that, I would prefer to live on a pittance, artists in garrets etc., living and breathing in this existence with time to turn around and look at things, consider things, make things, invent things, rather than to walk into a factory for example every day, and come home blank or with piped music still pumping round my mind, and the whole day gone, forever.
How I had defined my day however was in the service of my self interest, something that I see now with hindsight was how I had learned to service a preference for an existence as good feelings in my mind as consciousness in separation from, or regardless of my actual physical reality – this became an addiction – and through the filters of this addiction I could not see that I had chosen an existence of constant flight from the bad feelings, or that these bad feelings had been instigated originally by me as the consequential experience of me according to my self judgements. These broad statements of the shape of my life as a whole spread outwards below this current point about the temperature gauge on my dashboard – like a pyramid – or a cone – where in a moment of anxiety I get a muffled glimpse of the infra-structure layers and systems of belief that I have accepted and allowed and then, mistakenly, lived.
I had not realized that the contents of this specific moment of reaction of anxiety driving along in my vehicle were actually the whole collection of feeling of my life experience that had brought me here. Well that is kind of simple and obvious in a way, that this experience of me as who I am as the sum total of all of my experiences, my memories, my past is this what I call ‘me’, and in each of those equations of who I am within each experience or memory, all this adds up to this kind of familiarity with myself in which I can write the words ‘my life’ without quite realizing what I mean by this, or the scope of my responsibilities within it.
And seeing this, how I had ‘mistakenly’ lived ‘my life’ – this general point – in which I see a relationship with this as a reaction of regret towards it – in which as regret in relation to ‘my life’ I live a disempowerment of myself – in which I have incorporated disempowerment into my definition of myself as my life – so that within and beneath the specifics of anxiety connected to the dashboard of my vehicle there is a brooding awareness of this underlying disempowerment and design of giving up, which is there as who I am in and as my relationship to these years of life.
EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.
The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.