Day 170: Solitude 11

 

 

Fear Dimension of the Loner: Fear of Rejection 

 

More fears coming into focus here in this thought image word combination as this wor(l)d of ‘solitude’ and the picture previously described, of me sitting on a sea wall.

 

Here is a dependent personality that waits in hope for a meeting with a girl to somehow be presented, (through some mystical sky agency) in which fear of rejection has been accepted as a ‘given’ (who I am); and within this, fear of facing self as not good enough (as partner ‘material’) in the eyes of ‘girls’, and the fear of facing me alone with my own self judgement. There is no actual fear of being alone, except as in actually facing me, alone. Physical aloneness in itself I have given a positive value of energy to as a ‘safe’ zone, in which I have learned how not to face myself, but to dwell within imagination and suppression; but it is as I become exposed within my interactions with others, and conscious of myself within my spoken expressions, that the ‘danger’ of facing me arises. Within my interactions there is a fear of not having enough time, a belief that attention is sort of valuable per second, so that my expressions tend to be served up quick as reactions from a starting point of fear of loss of attention, and do not seem to represent me. And then there is a subsequent regret and self judgement and exasperation at my own self sabotage.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to display myself as alone in solitude, imitating this quality of ‘seen from a distance’, as in and according to the thought picture, to draw attention towards myself as distinguished by this ‘solitude’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have chosen to align myself to an image of myself that is in my mind rather than to explore through self intimacy who I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give aloneness a positive value of energy in which I accept myself as judgement of the value of this aloneness, within judging positively my experience of being hidden and being ‘safe’ from my own fears of experiencing myself as my own negative judgement which I also accept myself to be when I judge myself for who I find myself to be when I expose myself in my expressions and my interactions with others.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my trust in myself as judgement as a controlling system of my mind to manipulate myself within my own beliefs of the reality of my fears.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as superior to life through rewarding myself with a positive experience of energy as the arbiter of the value me as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as ‘rejected’, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined according to how I might possibly been seen or judged by another, as not good enough, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this to be blaming on another being my projection of my own rejection of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face and be responsible for, that I have accepted and allowed a judgement of myself as not good enough and that I fear to face myself as that, and that I rather avoid myself and my negative experiences by hiding from myself within my mind. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have a hiding place, and therefore desire to have a mind, and therefore within all this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand for all the system of the world that is in spite of life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through projecting my own disdain of me to judge myself as unworthy of attention, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of inequality in which some are less worthy of attention than others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge measure estimate how much or little attention I deserve according to the worthiness of me through the eyes of my own judgement. And I commit myself to see realize and understand that the only worthiness that is real, is life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of attention, and within this I forgive myself to fear the experience of my unworthiness that I have created for me in my acceptance of my ‘rightness’ within myself as judgement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might not make a connection through saying the ‘wrong’ thing, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desiring to make a connection, and within these things I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I seek connection because I have separated myself from me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in fear of loss of attention, to have believed that I must hurry up in time with my responses from a starting-point of fear of loss of the attention, within which I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather go into reaction as energy rather than to just be here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear too much attention, and within this I forgive myself to fear the exposure of my self-dishonesty, and the realization that, then this that I am living as, is not real. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to realize that anyway, I am here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my worthiness in terms of being ‘not good enough’ within which I have accepted both a definition of me as ‘bad’ together with a measurement of how ‘good’ that I ‘should’ be.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘bad’ and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘if I am bad, then I must hide myself away’. (Here a memory pops up that I will go into below or in a post to come.)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I cannot hide myself from me because I am also that which I am hiding from.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize the obvious common sense of this, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be protecting the validity of my self judgements, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in this acting from a starting-point of fear of change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to rather live in self-rejection according to and within the principles of the mind, than to look directly onto common sense.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have extended my fears into hope towards an existence in the safety zone of my imagination where I can continue to accept the validity of my judgements and also I can fabricate my own reality and a world that is only concerned with my experience of myself and my experience towards that.

 

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an existence for all in which no one sees beyond the interests of their own minds.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have chosen to have not recognized myself in my own reactions, and to not have seen realized or understood that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my own reactions by rejecting myself and my own responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to memories of my reactions with regret, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to memories of my reactions with reactions of anger in which I try to forcefully exert the blame on this who I am that I see myself as being in this reaction, while at the same looking on my being as not what I have accepted and allowed but as ‘what already is’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am everything that I have accepted and allowed as me, as always my responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my blame through accepting and allowing myself to define myself as unchangeable as this ‘what already is’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to memories of my reactions with reactions of self-contempt.

 

I commit myself to breathe and to slow myself down and to stop participating in thoughts and memories.

 

I commit myself to deconstruct these relationships to and as myself as personalities that I have founded on fear of who I am

 

 

 

Continuing next post…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

NEW

the FREE DIP LITE Course now available to All  – simply sign up and start- http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

 

The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

Equalmoney.org

 

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~ by adamsblogs on December 23, 2012.

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