Day 173: Solitude 14
Fear Dimension of the Loner
Fear Dimension: Fear of being alone (continues from 171)
Now I come to a memory in which I have made a relationship of fear towards the situation of myself as being alone; it connects to the memory I was looking at Day 171, in connection to my acceptance of my father’s reaction of anger and definition of me as ‘bad’ in being angry towards my sisters, as a consequence of which I should go away and be alone. So in this much earlier memory, that comes up as if in answer to the question of ok, so, why was it that I was angry towards my sisters? a question that I ask myself in this context because I see and realize and understand that that this definition of me as bad that I have accepted and allowed contains this definition of me as angry as this reaction that I have accepted and allowed towards my sisters.
Here is a memory that came up recently in relation to the word, ‘stuck’:
I am about three years old and I am standing with my feet stuck down in the mud. My feet are sort of being sucked down, and my legs are too tired to pull my feet out. I am distressed about my situation. I see that I am being left behind. My two sisters have walked on ahead, they are pushing my brother along in a pushchair. I feel jealous of my brother. I would like to be the one that gets pushed around on wheels instead of having to walk.
As I write this memory I realise also that there is a memory of how I was once on a train station and I saw a poster advertising ‘start-rite’ shoes which showed an image of two small children walking through a wood, and the trees were overhanging the path in a big archway so that it looked like a dark tunnel. And this picture reminded me of the early memory and a creepy dark spooky feeling came up in me, as if I was remembering a nightmare. And there had been in fact many nightmares where my legs had become bogged down and stuck and I have been unable to escape from some pursuing fear. Then in later years when I saw this poster,it seemed quite creepy, as if the poster itself was creepy, but I realise now that this must have been an experience of fear, fear of being left behind connected to this being stuck in the mud with my feet, and not having enough strength in my legs to pull me out of it. It’s interesting to see how this original memory had become embroidered through time to represent to me a general fear, while the details as the contents of the picture remained unexamined. The surrounding trees in the wood became like an avenue as illustrated in a Grimm’s fairy tale, representing a world of fear and weirdness.
Touching the ground. A young mother lowers her weighty toddler to the ground, where he is to stand on his own legs, rather than to be carried. As she lets go of him, he goes into a reaction of anger and rage, and she likewise, into a reaction, of impatience and blame. This scene catches my attention as I walk along through the crowds. In choosing to notice this specific interaction amongst a zillion others, I realize that it is because I have gone into reaction also, like a sympathetic vibration. I am recognizing a relationship that still is active written into the systems of definitions of ‘who I am to this’, as thought, within myself.
It’s only through spoken knowledge and information that I came to know that I was prematurely induced as a baby, with yellow jaundice, given a total blood transfusion and then monitored within an incubator. If it was not for this early NHS technology I would probably have not survived. Though I have no conscious memory of any of this, in later years I came to see how mothers sometimes do not bond with incubated babies, and I came to believe in my mind that this was probably a perspective that would at least partly explain my experience in this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect responsibility for myself as physical as standing on the ground, to feelings of loss and regret as that which I did not get, in having a time space of nurturance and support and in being physically carried by my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the relationships of others in my family to me, through which I have seen myself as and thus experienced myself as lacking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘care’ within support for myself to continue to dwell within the feeling body of my experience of myself as a world of imagination in which I am the star, and there is no consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this experience that I longed for of being cared for and loved by my mother was an experience that I had imagined in my mind, and therefore what I was longing for was an experience of myself that I had made up in my imagination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger that I could not get my total self-interest, self experience, feeling body experience, and for within and as this anger to have embodied a No towards my own self responsibility in retaliation and blame for a person with-holding that which I feel it is my right to have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my legs and my body for not being strong enough to obey these images in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a panic of fear that ‘I am being left behind’ rather than to breathe and be here and to explore this situation of my boots being stuck into the mud.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as at ‘at fault’ according to the impatience of another being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won’t survive if I am left alone in the woods.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a reaction of anger towards my sisters because they have insisted on my self responsibility in walking myself out of the mud, and keeping up with them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my aloneness in terms of being ‘left behind’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with jealousy towards my brother because he gets to have a ride in the push-chair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my experiences of energy as in anger and jealousy and fear of loss and fear of survival to this memory in my mind of this experience of myself standing on my own feet in the woods.
My commitment to myself in realization of my self responsibility is to stand with all here in support with and as and on the ground of the physical equality and oneness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that my commitment to my self responsibility has been defined also by all these energy connections that I have given to my experience that I have allowed towards responsibility for myself.
Therefore as I walk this point of self-support within my self commitment I forgive myself that I have given to ‘commitment’ a positive charge of energy in which I praise myself, or a negative charge in which I participate in self-disgust,
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I cannot live commitment if the word is charged with energy. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see realize and understand that I cannot let go of the mind if I am holding on to it in a commitment to myself to keep hold of an experience of myself as in clinging to positive feelings in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my experience of myself and my relationship to myself to be defined according to how much I am loved, cared for, or nurtured by my mother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my mother’s reactions to me personally by me defining who I am according to these reactions, and through spite come to live as a retaliation towards my own self responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stamp my foot upon the ground as representing everything within this world that I did not want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build all of this into my experience of myself as ‘alone’.
Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World
The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.
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