I return again to this image/picture/thought/memory experience of energy that I connected to the word ‘solitude’. (For context here read this sequence of posts from day 160)….” a picture of myself… sitting on the sea wall, with the sweep of the sea bay and the sea and sky in front of me…”
I have opened up the point of hope within this image connection to the word ‘sky’, in which I have walked specifically the word sky as an accepted symbol of hope in relation to fear of emptiness, and in the previous post, hope came up as in an imaginary transcendence of fear of self intimacy, an imaginary future of consciousness in which as hope I would not have to become intimately involved in this self that I had judged, hoping that I could somehow maintain an existence in which I was insulated from direct experience of self, thus accepting and allowing a basic reality of myself as fear.
Going with the sound of the word, then it would be Sitting on a SEE WALL, which reflects very much my relationship that I made as fear of self-intimacy, in which I had taken up a position of ‘sitting’ on these fears that I had manifested inside of me as the consequence of my accepted and allowed self as judgement.
Apart from connections to other words within the realms of grandiosity and sublimity, in the word ‘solitude’ I had found a kind of phonetic structured solidity that seemed to develop from ‘alone’ as a vague unconscious experience into an actual conscious position or SITuation in the world, like ‘lat-itude’ or ‘long-itude’ – yet more dimensions that seem to cross over each other in this personality creation, and that altogether given my accepted and allowed resignation from facing me within and as my fears and from questioning the validity of my own self-judgement, the formation of this personality as a ‘position’ to take within and as ‘solitude’ as ‘superior’ seemed like a hopeful solution.
I realize that there is sexual dimension to the development of this personality of Solitude and Alone. Sexuality came into my life experience at about the age of thirteen or so when I first discovered masturbation.
It was through masturbation fantasy that I became driven by a desire for sexual experience with girls as a belief in the ‘real thing’ as better, and a ‘more’ experience, and ‘going all the way’, ‘the ultimate’, according to the language of the boys around me, this was my source of information on these matters.
As for my practical discovery of masturbation, I had kept it entirely secret, even though it was a massive revelation to me of the possibilities of pleasure experience of my physical body. Revealed to me also was the meaning of all the innuendo that circulated amongst the boys, and I felt ashamed that I had been so slow, and taken such a long time to ‘get it’, so while at the same time as keeping my activities in masturbation absolutely secret, I presented myself to school friends as having known about it all along, while with family I presented myself exactly as they did, as if not knowing about it at all.
So along with masturbation came these different levels of deception and fear and seriously important barriers to be maintained between the inner world of me and my outer world. These barriers were erected out of fear of exposure of the me that I had judged as being so bad in (in this instance) accepting and allowing myself to become possessed with sexual desire. So along with this seemingly great discovery came also these dark secrets, I mean I didn’t run about saying. Hey! Look what I’ve discovered with my penis! No, in the event of these strong movements of energy in my body, this point of fear of self-intimacy arose and judgement of myself as bad came with it. It was like now I had attached this point fear of self intimacy in me to sexuality, and then accepted and allowed myself to go on to have an inner life of sexual secrecy.
Absolutely in self-interest of energy I wanted sex with, from, girls while at the same time having no comprehension of intimacy, self intimacy, or intimacy of any kind with others. I had grown up in a world without intimacy, and I was now faced with the problem of how to get sex for me with/from another being, of wanting and desiring an intimate sexual relationship with a girl. This new sexual experience energetic discovery of masturbation had pitched me into a situation of wanting something from others, and in this situation of not knowing how to cross the bridge from fantasy in which I got ‘it’ in my mind, into the real world of a relationship in which I apparently ‘got’ from outside myself, I became uncomfortably conscious of myself as being ‘alone’.
(How it was that in the act of fantasy I was replenishing my mind consciousness system with sexual energy and therefore the development and maintenance and upgrade of personality structures has only become clear to me since the advent of Desteni and specifically the Quantum Mind series and Shocking Secrets of Masturbation series, and What is Sex series all of which explore these matters in great detail.)
So I bring back here again this memory of looking at a diary, when I suddenly saw this solution of being ‘alone’ within the word ‘solitude’, where I see myself from a distance on my own sitting on a sea wall before the sea and the sky; and I have to look at here, the point of manipulation, the point of how within this solitude as a presentation of myself as a personality, I hoped I could attract the attention of a girl….
As I start to write about this manipulation point in this personality I realize that although I can see that the point of the personality creation itself is in getting energy, and also that manipulation of the environment to get energy is a function of consciousness systems, I realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this personality and who I accepted and allowed myself to be within these relationships to myself and to others, as a victim and predatory at the same time, and that because I have judged myself in this and separated myself from this, I have raised a fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realize or understand that in reacting towards my own acceptance and allowance of manipulation of the environment to get more energy by judging myself within and as this action is in itself a further extension of the same manipulation mechanism in which I myself as physicality is the environment in which the consciousness exists and operates and seeks for energy, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this consciousness as me as judgement of myself in separation from who I am, in separation from others as me and in separation from physicality itself, all one and equal environments suitable for energy extraction by consciousness.
Here also as I write comes up the fear in relationship to sex, a fear in relation to not understanding, fear around a lack of understanding of myself, seeing and realizing that there were here great massive formative influences at work in which I had responsibility, and responsibility within rejecting my responsibility, so here begins a loop into an overwhelmingness experience.
I stop. I breathe. I am here. I do not have to and cannot face all these points that are these relationships and networks of relationships that I have accepted and allowed of who I am towards sex, women, men, mother, father, and family constructs all at once.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that this overwhelmingness experience is nothing new in my life, though when it first arrived I could not articulate it as such, but just accepted it as ‘the way I am’, or judged myself within and as it ‘as the way I am’, and so I forgive myself that I did not see or realize that this overwhelmingness experience was also part of this character formation in which I accepted and allowed myself to resign from facing me, and so manipulated myself to chose to seek out an energetic form of stability that did not include self-intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this overwhelmed experience of energy confusion within my mind as a point of blame in which I have walked away from my responsibility to direct myself within this state back into the physical as me and out of energy by accepting and allowing myself as a relationship towards this overwhelmingness as less than it and as a victim to it in which I have simply gone into a state of waiting in hope for me to ‘come down’ out of it as in a drug experience, rather than taking deliberate steps to clear myself.
I commit myself to learn to recognize this overwhelmingness experience immediately so that I can stop myself before it accumulates as a possession of multiple experiences of energy as me. I commit myself to start writing when the experience comes up, and to allow myself to rant, and not to judge its ‘relevance’. I commit myself to stop this ‘I can figure it out within my mind’ illusion that comes up in me, when clearly I can and do totally make chaos and whirlwinds out of it within my mind, which is what I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in.
Continuing into the point of fear of self-intimacy and ‘the loner’ character next post…
Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World
The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.
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