Day 171: Solitude 12

Image from Tarkovsky: Solaris

 

The ‘Loner’ personality, Fear Dimension continued.

 

Fear of Anger

In exploration of the fears beneath the rise of ‘solitude’ to prominence as the star of ‘who I am’ within my mind, I come to instances of ‘who I am’ towards myself in anger.

 

Continuing from a self-forgiveness statement in the previous post:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘bad’ and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘if I am bad, then I must hide myself away’…

 

‘If I am bad, then I must hide myself away’.

 

Writing this, a memory pops up. It is a record of an instance where I have exerted anger on a sister, by kicking her, and she has made loud noises about this, attracting the attention of my father, and he has then become really angry at me, and sent me to my room. ‘If I am angry at my sister, then I am bad, and I have to go away, and be alone in my room’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being alone as in being rejected from the family group, rather than seeing and realizing that in being alone I am simply with myself. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the judgements and the reactions of others, where I have accepted ‘who I am’ as ‘bad’ as angry with my sister, and as ‘bad’ in ‘causing’ anger in my father.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘who I am’ is the cause of feelings in others, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘who I am’ according to the feelings of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I have sought through holding this belief that ‘I am the cause of feelings in others’, to find indications of who I am within myself in interactions with others, because I have refused to know who I am within myself through fear of facing who I have judged myself to be, and therefore seek to find out clues from others rather than to simply ask myself, rather than to put my trust in my projections. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an image of myself of who I am out of beliefs that I have accepted and allowed according to how I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others see me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I have sought through holding this belief to judge who I am according to how I judge the quality of the attention I receive from others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I have been behaving in the exact same way towards myself as shown to me in the example of my father, where I have become angry towards myself in being ‘bad’, and in being ‘angry’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energy loop of reacting towards my reactions of anger with anger within an acceptance of myself as judgement and as bad, within which I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize myself or stand with me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality in the image of my father that I embody as a judgement of myself as bad in the relationship of who I am towards myself in anger.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize and understand that I have been behaving in the exact same way towards myself as shown to me through the example of my father, where I have rejected myself and gone away within my mind, without stopping to breathe or investigate exactly what goes on within myself in how it is that I have come to this and what it is that I have accepted and allowed.

 

Therefore I commit myself to investigate in me this anger point that I had previously accepted and allowed myself to turn away from.

 

I commit myself to through this process of self forgiveness of myself in gifting me with the opportunity of realizing myself as who I am as life and as the physical to see and realize and understand exactly how it is that without self intimacy I am unable to see beyond the confines of my own mind and therefore unable to see, share in or to support the actual life and physical reality of me or those around me. I commit myself to realign this energy awareness as this consciousness that I have accepted and allowed as me, and through taking responsibility for this to walk out of it.

 

 

 

 

 

Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World

 

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The Quantum Mind
This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact in specific details.

 

4 Count Breath as Emergency Tool of Self-Support

 

Heaven’s Journey To Life

Creation’s Journey to Life

Earth’s Journey to Life

 

7 Year Journey to Life @ Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Desteni.org

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~ by adamsblogs on December 25, 2012.

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