Walking the Dimensions of the Postponement Personality
Continuation from previous posts, starting at Day 139
Up comes the issue of laziness, this personality as lazy, a direct relation of postponement, or part of it, extending from it. This is what I have been facing the last few days, going into confusion experiences in my mind, as mixtures of realizations and self-judgements, leading into backchat such as, I cannot see this clearly now, (and within that, I need to see this clearly in my mind before I write it out…) I will wait till later… Here the deconstruction of how I have been living and embodying the postponement personality reaches to a new point of exposure, like as if it is a last refuge, in which I see a picture of myself as hiding from and in my own investigation, as if the fact of my own laziness has nothing at all to do with my decisions of postponement, like as if this one belongs in a different department, one that I will come to ‘later’.
Laziness, as in unwillingness to work.
Defined as such this is a relationship that I have accepted and allowed of mind as energy directing and controlling physical effort. So I start my self forgiveness process in my acceptance and allowance of ‘reward’, as I see how I have accepted ‘reward’ as a condition for physical effort.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience of myself is caused by others, rather than seeing and realizing and understanding that my experience of myself has always been according to what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through this belief, come to believe that I need to get a positive energy experience as a reward ‘from’ others for work done in the form of approval, or acknowledgement, or gratitude, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not giving to me this positive experience of myself that I expect from them in my belief that my experience of myself is not my own responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to have and be this positive experience of energy as myself, rather than seeing and realizing that simply I am here and that I do not need or require to live within these positive judgements of energy experience that arise within myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become accustomed to, and to depend upon and become addicted to these accumulations of soft energy as comfortable feeling experiences inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define lazy with a positive energy attachment, as in being ‘laid-back’, and ‘free-from-stress’, ‘easy-going’, ‘cool’, ‘getting away with it’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and live and embody a lazy character or personality with these attributes to represent its positive polarity, and to have used this personality in conjunction with the postponement personality through which I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on efforts to direct myself and to justify myself within repeated positive energy experience as the lazy option that I have given to myself and programmed into my physical rather than to stand up within uncomfortability and simply difference and walking myself through fear of change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in a negative way for the laziness I have accepted and allowed myself to live and embody as this character through which I have accepted and allowed myself to hide and suppress this negative experience of myself and to feel shame about who I have accepted myself to be within deliberately ignoring and denying my responsibility to myself and others by not moving myself at all but physically doing nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in a negative way for the superiority and arrogance that I have assumed in relationship with others in my world and my reality, within which I have secretly claimed to be ‘above all that’ such as participating in what needs to be done and so have acted out in spite, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame about who I have accepted and allowed myself to be in laziness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tolerate this shame that I have accepted and allowed rather than to see and realize that this shame is there because I have lived and embodied this character in support of a relationship of superiority to others and of separation to myself my world and my reality and that I can remove this experience of shame and this character of laziness by realigning my relationships that I have made to equality with others.
I see and realize and understand that this laziness in someway overlaps or shares the physical dimensions of postponement, where in a moment of postponement, I allow the lazy personality to assert its positive polarity and through this I have accepted and allowed myself to not move directly to the task that is before me but instead to revert into this coziness of comfortability within my mind, where I do not move my body.
I commit myself to deconstruct this laziness that I have accepted and allowed that has developed and evolved and become an addiction through my continual postponement and procrastination, and I commit myself to realign my actual physical movement in physical space as a physical effort towards what is best for all, and within that what is best for me, rather than this limitation and reluctance that I have self imposed to only move myself in relationship to energy rewards.
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