Day 446: The word that is my Name

Day 446: The word that is my Name

Talking of Dimensional beings in their processes of starting to define themselves personally in who they are, The Cloud, in The Power in Your Own Name, says this:

“….what they first and foremost did was familiarize themselves with [the question]: What is my Name? The name that, yes, you may have been given, but it’s like the same with anything else, you’ve been given a name, you’ve been given a life, you’ve been given a mind, you’ve been given a body, but everyone mostly thinks that that makes you a victim to it all, but it actually places you in the greatest position of power; when you have been given something, you have it, it is here, you have the power to do something about it. And you really do; it’s all about perspective, it’s all about how you look at things. And I mean if we take it back into on a very deep existential philosophical level, if you will, in the principle of Life, that we are all inter-connected and of Life: you have given yourself this, this name, this body, this mind, this life. So it’s like you kind of ask yourself, Why? But not a why in a victimized or disempowered state – what is the More to it, what is my role position and purpose in the context of life as a whole, as a collective?”

How can it be possible to reach out for and embrace the life which so obviously I already am, when at the same time there exists as who I am my absolute acceptance of a stance of victimhood to life itself and to pre-programming, a stance I have embodied in so many forms of blame towards the all and everything of me: my name, my upbringing, my history on Earth, my generation, my perspectives of the circumstance of being here, everything of who I am, couched in blame, with a sort of focus of this all, as standing as a flame of righteousness, as the ‘I’ experience, that itself denies the obvious truth of me, that I am here, that I am of this life, that my very substance here is no different to the life I blame.

Redefining the word that is my Name: a word that I’ve been living as: first comes the question: What is in this word that I have accepted and allowed to be there, and lived, as a reference to who I am? So as to open up, gain access to, the Name I Stand in, I must firstly face within it, as with all words, what it is I’ve lived. Before I redefine myself within and as this word, what must I first release?

What would the way be, into my own name, is there an opening here for me, or am I myself the opening, my name as folded round me in this life till now, arranged to be so that I cannot simply just walk straight in. As I write the words that convey that, I remember those feelings as a child – of being seen right through – and as I look at that, I see that what I was interpreting was coming from a starting-point of accepting and allowing and so trusting who and what I was to be defined through the eyes of others, and following from that how much I then accepted and allowed myself to be a victim to a quality of mutability that I came to see as part of me.

Why that would be so in my mind would be down to fate, where in asking such a question I accepted and allowed my own mythology of being fated to this life, of being in myself of the shape of water, taking on the outline of the vessels that were imposed, by what I saw as being the perceptions of other beings around me, and the feelings that I had about this apparent circumstance were of a kind of bitterness, that I did not want to go there, or to re-experience, by looking too far into it, and so from time to time, when this why came up, I would come across a shape that I had imposed upon myself, a sort of crouching figure in the darkness by this wall of bitterness, a closely guarded secret to myself. These were aspects of the feelings of being seen right through, and how this became imprinted on my name was in closing off the openings between and in the letter hieroglyphs, both to me, and to others also. I also gave myself the trick of absolute dissociation, in which my name was like a random label that happened to be stuck to me, in which ‘that is just my name’ seemed to serve as a diversion.

Looking on the word and letters as an architecture – coming from a perspective of the world as simplified, as something less alive, something slowed down to being beyond some imaginary line of liveliness – and so from that perspective – of those letters, of my name, as a hieroglyphic formula, as an architecture, where I look upon this aspect of myself in these simple terms, and so then see in terms of having access into doors and windows or having apertures and alcoves, as a static building, having an interior, having rooms and passageways, and walls.

And this is useful for me, assisting me to open up this relationship with my name. And yet also there exist within these hieroglyphic forms, perspectives not as architectures, but as living beings, in which the hieroglyphic arms and legs are animate expressions of myself, in which the footing of a serif for example or a letter shape corresponds into expressions of my body, of my footing in the world, as an expression of my stability in standing as my name, from which I move, my starting-point of action. Both of these perspectives are intertwined, and are intertwined with a multitude of others: our receptions of these hieroglyphs in sound have become so natural that what we tend to emphasize is our experience of them as who we are within and as our responses and our understanding, such as in the act of listening to a stream of words, or in what we refer to as an act of reading, not seeing in our everyday practicality the depth of history represented by the hieroglyphs, the depth of resonance within them, and so within myself.

Here are some Self Forgiveness statements in deliberate release of these entanglements. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my name was something that was imposed on me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from an early age abdicate my self responsibility in giving away to others the power to define me: I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed the experience of when hearing my own name being spoken by others to be hearing it as a reference purely to who I am not seeing how much it resonates other people’s opinions, reactions, and projections, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absorb and incorporate other people’s definitions of me in the way they sound my name. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in hearing other people’s definitions of me that I have not seen myself, to sometimes automatically believe that they are seeing something real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust what others tell me of myself without first checking for myself what I see inside of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others in trusting others saying to me that they can see through me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for myself within and as a stance of blame to not see it, and within not seeing it, to be in an experience of being stuck in it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself within this stuckness, bitterness and disempowerment, and self-pity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to re-experience these emotions; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then avoid my own self honesty of facing in this where I am in relation to myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and so the name I stand in within and as this energy experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me the belief that people can see through each other. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through these beliefs and these self-judgements to have made my own name into something that is obscure to me, as if existing only on the surfaces of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with my own name in which I blame those who gave it to me, and through that, that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame life itself for putting this name upon me.

I commit myself to let go of these emotional relationships that I have layer on layer incorporated into me. I commit myself to free myself from these definitions. I commit myself to purify this name and through this process purify the points of abdicated self-responsibility that I have accepted and allowed to continue to exist within it. I commit myself to free my name, and to free myself to stand one and equal to my name as a name I can be proud of. I commit myself to learn to stand on a platform as myself, as my name, in the name of me, one and equal to the name of Life.

 

 

 

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Day 445: The words Elation and Dependence

Day 445: The words Elation and Dependence

A memory came up as I began my walk into the word Elation, a word that came up for me recently: the memory came from years ago, a trek into some unknown hills one night in Scotland, for various reasons, such as missing trains  and late night buses, and so I walked. An interesting effect: as the roads closed in, grew smaller, and less straight, and then turned into meandering lanes, and thence to tracks, and thence to barely even paths, so at the same time, the surrounding hills grew bigger, opened up, grew wider, darker, more remote, and as the miles went slowly by in starlit darkness I became more and more convinced that I was lost. But then the moment came along when the sun came almost bouncing up, and suddenly in those warming rays of light I could see the fields and hills and valleys all around me and in that moment I realized that I was not lost, and it was like my heart went out towards the sun in simple gratitude, and I love you were the words that coursed up through my body: here I lived the word Elation.

Now, looking on this past experience of this word, I question what it was that I was living within and as ‘I lived’: for sure there was extreme intensity, and a high of energy, in contrast with the shapeless fear and definitionlessness within and as being immeasureably in the experience of lost. That suddenly what was thrust into my world was specificity and definition and so relief of ‘knowing where I was’ all were contributory to this experience of Elation.

And yet looking at this now, especially in the light of what was shared by the Ocean, I see how I had defined the experience of ‘knowing where I am’ according to the outside world and according to the source of light, the sun. It was as if my belief of being in the hands of greater purpose had been confirmed, that in the experience of this moment that everything of me came racing up through me to acknowledge that.

So as the journey goes, I see how through this word Elation it serves me now as an outlook on religious programming that had infiltrated into my very nature: ‘knowing where I am’ dependent on projections of the outside world, as if it were a solution to the lostness in myself, that I had suddenly reached for that interpretation and had then accepted it as real.

And so the question comes of how to venture past and beyond this outlook in the hills and through this programming, which had become so much a part of me. Stepping from a point of ‘everything I thought was true is real’ as in this experience of Elation, to the point of ‘everything I thought was true is wrong’, and yet within this, ‘I am lost’ comes not as wordless feeling, but as an inspiration, as something real within me. I recognise here also many points that Jack brought up in My Second Death in a recent recording in Journeys into the Afterlife.  Not that my experience in life has been as extreme as Jack’s, but something that I realise is that questions that could lead into experiences such as Jack’s have always been for me kind of close at hand, waiting to be asked.

You could say that dependence on this religious programming had always been, and had been always known, to part of me, as a starting point of self dishonesty in which I had accepted and allowed an idea of the nature of existence as a reality, that I had the arrogance in my mind to decide on what was real and what was not. Awareness of this self-dishonesty dawning in me had added to the dissonance within the word Dependence, that experience of a negativity within the word itself. And within my experience of Elation, an experience of triumph over self dishonesty.

So to the word Dependence, my personal approach to it, in seeing how for me a negative charge exists within it, is to look here right into this negativity, seeing that in this word there is a depth to it, and so maybe see and understand the history of it, and clarify the nature of it.

This continues from the previous post, on points that came up for me, listening to the Ocean sharing realisations of some basic programming of Consciousness, and the basic nature of Religion, and the Wake-up call coming from the questioning of the base belief of a greater being ‘out there’ and so questioning the acceptance of ourselves defined within the hands of greater purpose: Up comes the question of what is my relationship to dependence on this base belief, do I really actually want to see, acknowledge, recognize that this is a belief, when in doing so my dependence on what I have accepted is exposed to me, so that then I do not have excuses for it, I cannot be the victim of it any more.

A consequence, as mentioned by the Ocean, of believing that ultimately we are in the hands of greater forces, is a kind of listlessness, an indolence, a lack of drive; that in the context of this greater purpose of the world I experience myself as insignificant. I see now how this consequence itself is adding to the difficulty of standing up and also to the experience of drag in facing that dependence on that primordial vision or belief of being in the hands of something greater, while layers of acceptance over lives and generations also add to the resistance, lives and generations shaped by this belief.

So here, within the word Dependence are histories of fear of questioning this belief, and of failing to actually grasp it, and me protecting me from ultimately, what, the imaginary consequence of questioning a program I have accepted and allowed and on which I’ve built this life. So within the word Dependence, also fear of seeing distinctly what exists within this word, and fear of letting go of the belief in who I am, defined as ultimately in the hands of ‘something greater’.

As mentioned in my story of my experience of Elation, I am not writing here about this ‘something greater’ simply as belief in God, or not, which in a way is how it manifests in world religions, but in the way that this religious programming exists within and as the very core of how I reason, how I experience myself, it exists within the very definitions of myself that I had always taken as a given, and so not seen, and also had refused to see, had feared to see, had invested in this fear as my guardian, as my protection.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a definition of and so experience of the word Elation as a victory over my own awareness of my self dishonesty, in experiencing a definition of reality that is false.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the dissonance within the word Dependence is also my awareness of my own self dishonesty, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to live dependence on my own acceptance of a world that is not real, but a programming from which to propagate a tree of consciousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of seeing this as it is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this fear to guard me from my own awareness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see my self dishonesty. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extent of questions in me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose control of questioning. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a limit on my questioning. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen if I question the basic definitions of myself that I have come to be dependent on and recognize within myself as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me a fear of a reality of Equality, in which my definitions of myself that I have lived do not exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realise what might there be for me beneath the programming of the context of ‘a greater being out there, a greater purpose.’

 

 

 

 

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Day 443: Opening the word Support

Day 443: Opening the word Support

“…an interesting principal of What’s Best for All: is how would you want to be approached, be taken care of, be in a relationship with something or someone, how would you want to be treated? What’s best for all essentially exists and stands in the principle of, Do unto others, as you’d want done unto yourself. That’s the key practical principle that measures What’s Best for All, because you are in Do unto others as you’d want to done unto you: you are doing what’s best for you, and that is doing what’s best for you – is how you will treat others – and it will come through like for example walking into your work or a place or a moment and even into your day, even waking up in your body. It’s like asking your self how would I want to be greeted by this day, if I were a day? Like imagine the day itself is you, and the day can kind of embrace you in its arms, and you are waking up into it: it’s like asking, What of me do I want to give here, how do I want to experience walking into myself? And that can really awaken you to more of an awareness of how much we tend to accept and allow ourselves to shift into multiple moments of these polarities of positive and negative and neutral where you just need to shift your awareness more into who am I? How am I being received by the day, by others, by the moment, by my own body? It’s like placing yourself more in the shoes of others.” Extract from Reptilians 605

 

… As this day, as this field, as these beings, as this that is in front of me… listening to Anu in this recording I get a sense of the reality of Oneness and Equality, it becomes almost tangible in his very words, a sense of an awakening awareness opening within my mind, and within and in response to these words also I realise that what exists for me here is the essence of the word Support. Placing myself more in the shoes of others: within this very thought there is expansion, expansion into what, a world in which how I’d want to be taken care of by the world is exactly equal to the nature of my taking care of all and each that is the world. That experience I have with listening to these words is for me an intimation of a world in which Embrace exists like this in multiple dimensions, for all awarenesses, not as an option or a preference, but as a principle of being. That doing unto others as you’d like to be done unto, existing as the same relationship of All to All, creating like a fabric of Support.

 

How am I to use this intimation, turn it from an inspiration into something practical for me? Placing myself more into the shoes of others is something I can practice more: seeing and understanding that this is truly Best for me as is Best for All gives certainty to the practice of these steps. When I check this in my life I find that those moments of support that really meant something to me, all had these ingredients, these principles; they were moments of actual contact, meeting, recognition, another being standing in my shoes, seeing the world with me for a moment, sharing my position, freeing me up from the constraints of isolation, seeing the strength in me that I myself had up till then refused to see.

 

 

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Day 442: The word Initiative

 

Day 441: The word Initiative

 

Sometimes words come up for me in a new light, or else I hear them differently as if for the first time, as if with a renewed supply from their source – from their specific natures – from their specific worlds – suddenly without the dissonance of my personal history and experience – in which I first absorbed it, accepted it, defined it, and so subsequently had been (vaguely) living it, ‘knowing’ it – and within all this, much of the work of the discovery process of Redefining words kind of happened in a moment, and so with this I experience myself in a different way, I expand into and with the word, and my life is different. It is as if I’d heard the word directly, without distraction, and hearing thus, the word becomes a gift, a valuable support.

 

Living in an age in which the words are opening, the word Initiative has been for me an example of this opening: looking down within myself at the question of who am I within and as this specific word I saw immediately a point of fire, like my own subjective cosmic bang, as in that moment when the universe comes through the needle’s eye, and out of nothingness – and so for me this word Initiative contains like a direct access into the spark of me. I’ve never come across a word like this: a word that in and of itself as the subject of some introspection, would burst so obviously into vigor, into life.

 

And yet when I ask myself, then what is my Initiative, what else is there anywhere but in myself that I can refer to? Who knows what may be found within this word for others. And yet when I look into my past, I realise that whenever I was advised to deal with a situation by ‘using my initiative’ it was always a comfort to me: I kind of knew that I would come up with something. And so I always knew that I could rely on this. The advice I found most worrying was full of detailed instruction, fraught with well meant warnings of what might happen if I did not follow them. I suppose the best advice I got was like a few pointers and the confidence of my advisor that I would find my way.

 

And so with this word Initiative, a story then began of things that happened as I walked my daily life with and as this new component, in which I was aware of who I am as this word in the very start of Action, with no reference to anything but to this phenomena of me, this nothingness with this self reliance. My personal story would involve the practical twists and turns of making things, putting things together, solving problems, I felt inspired to try new things.

 

Initiative: involves Beginning, Action, Purpose, Intention, Direction, and yet all of these expressions flow from that single point of Self. The Initiative of Desteni: so now I hear these words in this new light, a call to each of us to find our way within and through ourselves – and yet not by ourselves – there never has existed such support for us to change ourselves: the support of others sharing how this process to awareness goes for them, the support of the Dimensionals who are also sharing, speaking through the Portal, making the recordings that are Eqafe.

 

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Day 441: Scarcity and Abundance

…This succulent came into bud a couple of weeks ago, and being new to this sub-tropical climate, region, I was fascinated to realise that I had absolutely no idea at all of what form the flower would take, which was exciting in itself; so I watched the buds unfurl, and as it turned out, the flowers were these delicate pink/orange bell like forms. Looking for an image of Abundance, somewhere near at hand, this flowering of this unknown plant struck me as a good example, the Abundance of the natural world.

 

Day 441: Scarcity and Abundance

 

Scarcity is an illusion in a reality of Abundance. Many would say, But No, Scarcity is real, just look around at the state of the world, of poverty, of starvation. And yet these problems that we face are really Scarcity accepted and allowed and manufactured, systemized; for sure scarcity exists as the reality that we have together made, the reality that is awarded to it by the money system – because if scarcity can be organized then there is monetary value in it; where Abundance is defined in Wealth, Abundance has been defined and limited by Scarcity, it is not real Abundance, but Abundance as a polarity of Scarcity. In looking at these problems of the world, our very existence here, our ability to question them, to see them, to understand them, to bring solutions to them – where does this ability come from but from but the Abundance that we are, that we live as beings, that we live each day but take for granted?

The word Scarcity: seeing how often this word is present in the background of my mind, I noticed how mischievous it was, stirring up the shit, acting as a catalyst of many a bad feeling, bad experience. When I looked into it I saw how believing that Scarcity is real, when applied to love, there are the conditions for jealousy to form, for competition, hatred, and evil. Believing that Scarcity is real applied to a resource, there is clinging, possessiveness, meanness, secrecy the word has a darkening, withering effect. Believing that Scarcity is real applied to time there is impatience, hurry, then there are justifications of the cutting of such apparent luxuries of care, consideration. Believing that Scarcity is real is the same as living it, becoming it, not seeing how I had invested the reality of me into it, not seeing my responsibility in doing this, that investment of my own reality into it is a moment of standing up in and as it – as the character of scarcity, and as a catalyst of decision, action. Or sometimes not of immediate action but of a catalyst of inner feelings and emotions, such as giving my reality into perceived scarcity of understanding in another’s response, which may then accumulate into blame, and only eventually contribute to a decision, an action. The feeling of the word is like a tightening, a contraction of the middle of my body, as if a caution or a caveat was erupting in the flow of life, there is a catch, a holding of breath: it is similar to fear, it is like fear, it Scares, it is a bringer of fear. In being scared by something, there is accepted and allowed a scarcity of wellbeing, a scarcity of natural courage, a scarcity of groundedness, a scarcity of future…

So in view of all of this, what I have been practicing is, when my dark side rears up, is to look into the current situation and ask myself: how and in what way does the word Scarcity come into this? Is it that I have empowered this word as who I am by giving it my own reality? To what have I applied it? And are there points of Abundance near at hand for me to live instead? Something that I’ve found is that in focusing my mind upon Abundance, it has a releasing quality, a generosity, it comes along as a word that offers me a new alternative that puts my current niggle back into perspective.

 

 

 

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Day 440: Righteous Exile

This point of “…me not being able to conceptualize myself as part of this Equality and Oneness, of this life that is here, as the physical body, this physical existence…” Explored by Jack, in Journeys into the Afterlife, 92: Listening to this recording, I remembered a point that was a crucial step for me, back ten years ago, to, from simply reading postings in the Desteni Forum, and listening to the words being spoken in the Portal interviews, to then actually take the step and move myself to start participating in the forum, the point being, that, Each and everyone is part of this: and so I am part of this.

It is odd to try and simulate exactly how I stood back then, resigned in some way as only worthy to observe, but there was certainly an element of, as shared by Jack, that with how I’d lived my life I did not deserve to be a part of it. And this polarity: that Jack spells out in this interview: …the polarity of feeling, looking back, that I could have done More, while at the same time, thinking I myself to be More, and realizing that as long we inside ourselves think that we are more, superior, we cannot really do the More of changing ourselves, of walking this process of the principle of Equality and Oneness as Best for All, because if you on any level within yourself think you’re more, you cannot work on an equal and one level…

Here within the question, How can I forgive myself if I believe that who I am is not worthy of forgiveness, is the question also: How can I forgive myself if I believe that who I am is superior? Seeing and realizing how I could have done more, and judging myself with, therefore I am not worthy, while not seeing how in my starting point of me I am already more, and therefore within and as a reality that I have structured thus, what is there to change, where is the push to really actually come from, into movement, into action if these elements of superiority remain within the starting point of me, it’s like there is a backchat going with that, that would say, why bother? That feel-good righteousness component of my mind giving that apparent edge where somewhere deeply I believe it does not matter, and then in the polarity I judge my indolence and so loop back into the unworthiness, and the recourse of being outside, being the observer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a judgement of myself that who I am is unworthy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the voices in my mind of righteousness, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose this righteous feeling in me as my guide. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that my judgements of myself as being unworthy are coming from a starting point of superiority as who I am in righteous judgement. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see this loop of energy.

I forgive myself that in my past I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can choose whether or not to live or die, that therefore I am superior to life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that choosing death would be a victory over life, that it would be proof of my superiority.

I forgive myself that though I have chosen long time not to die, I have not rooted out this belief, but have instead allowed it to exist within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge superiority that exists within me and so suppress this belief within me, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this belief as a support to a feeling of righteousness and of superiority, as if all the time somewhere in my being, up my sleeve I held the joker card, that I could opt out any time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within this that I am trapped by life, to fear that I may be trapped by life, to look for means of fighting life, of overcoming life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within all of these relationships to life that it can be real that I am separate from life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a reality that is only of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that superiority based on feelings of righteousness can be real. I forgive myself that I have accepted within and as superiority that I can dictate the nature of reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the reality of me that I dictate in judging me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the reality of my judgement definition of me, of my unworthiness, as being less than good enough to be a part of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the judgements of my own superiority that who I am within myself is bad. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within accepting and allowing these beliefs to separate myself from being whole-hearted in participation in the physical world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the limitation of the role of an observer. I forgive myself that I have given observation value over participation, and that I have not seen through the sentence meted out by my judgements of my own unworthiness.

 

 

 

 

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Day 439: Righteous Fear

 

Recently in Journeys into the Afterlife, 93, Veno asks: What conditions have we accepted and allowed inside ourselves, our bodies, our lives, that has essentially become our disempowerment, our victimization, our weakness, that is accepting and allowing us to become abused by where we find ourselves, our experiences, who we are instead of rising through it and above it?

It took me a while to absorb and process this question, but in waking up one morning I was looking into a response to it, a vision of a life in which fear of how I was defined in the eyes of others and then fear of the experience in myself as so defined was a dominant condition that I had accepted and allowed.

Approaching things like this in reaction, such as OMG, this is terrible, I am so messed up would be creating out of the discovery of some mechanism that I’d installed as a part of me, a whole dramatic production; fears can be persistent and so much integrated into everyday experience, that bumping into them can just be part of life, just part of the experience I recognize as me, and it can be a bit of a shock to notice them, and from there to see the same reactions everywhere, how often that I have engaged with them, and then to see how much they’ve actually shaped my life, and then to see what might be done to change this shaping that I have accepted and allowed.

And yet also I find dramatic terms quite supportive in my writing, spelling it out large, it helps me see into the details of the construct, or the emotional design,for example, in paranoiac moments: like in glancing shadows that flit across my mind: seeing in people’s faces, that they’ve changed their mind, regarding me, that they’ve found out something that I’ve said or done, or with people that I believe that I’ve offended in some way, going then behind my back, consciously or unconsciously talking shit about me, to influence in a negative way how people see me and so define me: these are instances in which a fear of how I am defined within the eyes of others, and fear of my own experience in accepting and allowing me to be thus defined, has gradually evolved and elaborated, into for example, reacting to or despising gossip, and then garnering a sort of righteousness from that position.

How such elaborations can eventually create a paranoid reality and form a quiet inner nightmare of a life, seemed clear to me that morning that I mentioned, recently, as I woke up, as if lying comfortable and flat upon the sand, where the sea had drawn away, and what I saw, as I looked sideways across the beach were instances of my life as memories, examples of myself as people meeting on the sand, and in each and every meeting, the foremost questions in my mind were centered on this point of how was I defined by others, and fear of what my experience would therefore be, and as I looked from scene to scene I saw these repeated moments of anxiety or concern, in checking on my current status, and wondering how I stood. What I saw was how much in my inner life this fear had become a personal compass.

And from where I lay comfortable and relaxed, it seemed like a big relief, that all of that was in the past. And so a new question came up in me: Who am I in seeing this for the first time, I do not know this part of me, calm enough within myself to see these points about my life. And as I began my day, I lived a sort of clarity that was new to me. Thanks to what I have absorbed through hearing Marduk’s update on the history and purpose of sleep, and through that, deliberately for the first time resting in myself, the nature of my rest has changed; I have been dreaming more, I have woken with a sense of rejuvenation in my body. And what I realized was, that it wasn’t true – that all of it was in the past – it was like through truly resting in myself in the trust of sleep, I had given me a break in which to see what I was habitually doing in my meetings up with people.

For example, I have a plan to do something and as I look through the steps involved, a ‘snag’ turns up, that would seem to make the plan impossible: or to add a trouble or a difficulty to it, such as asking someone for something, or seeking for assistance: why so difficult, because I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid this fear, that lays disguised within the ‘snag’, even at the cost of giving up on my plan, and then within this pattern I find a way to justify not doing it, finding that I could easily do it later, that it wasn’t important, or find a feeling that confirms that I did not really want to do it in the first place, coming at myself with after the fact type of self manipulations as a salve to bring me back into a compromised okayness.

As shown in Quantum Mind Self Awareness 121 -The fear that what you fear may possibly and probably be right – is a distinct fear: it becomes more intense when you start to actually move and start to take the action that the original fear is undermining, rising up as you approach the door that opens into action and physical reality. Is there a little tempting righteous feeling to be had within listening to this fear: that I am right… a little certainty that if I take this action then I will cause the thing I fear to happen, and then where will I be, having ventured into my own betrayal of myself in spite of my predictions, what I knew for sure within my righteousness, that moving me would lead me to a bad experience. Such dialogue and reasoning are like dramatic bindings that keep one in and as the energy of the mind, and bound into a life experience that is not real.

Something that I see here in this pre-programmed fear that what you fear may possibly and probably be right, together with the belief that it will come about, unless heeded, unless kept secret, or else suppressed – plays an insidious role in even the simple act of asking questions, where asking a question has the potential of opening things up, exposing things, of clarifying a situation, of deepening and expanding one’s awareness – it also through this pre-programming gains a risky quality; that the question itself might trigger and release this fear to manifest in reality – so that within the belief that I might cause my fear to manifest in asking a question plays a role here in me opening this fear up and writing about it – with backchat such as this: What will people think of me if I expose this underlying fear, and how will I then experience myself through this?

Looking at this question I see how loyal I have been within an agreement that I must have made at some time in my life, that I must always automatically accept/believe projected judgements, backchats, and so experience them as well, where accepting and allowing myself to be swept up in the drama of my mind, I have acted so as to avoid such things, so as not to face the fear of this experience.

Opening further this fear of being defined, I look into the nature of fearing causing reactions – where in the nature of emotional reactions, one points the finger, starts into a vicious definition of another being, on a personal level. So looking into that I ask myself about the origins of that fear in my life.

An excursion into my past: moments in which I have believed that I am responsible for causing reactions, that for example, because I’ve done/not done something at school, my teacher has gone into reaction of anger and then into personal mockery: looking at that belief that I am responsible for causing this emotion, I see and understand how I created in myself a fear of causing reactions, as well with other teachers in this school having idiosyncrasies, the actual real cause of their reactions was like an unknown factor, they were unpredictable; but that I was part of it, that it was something personal, something I was doing, that was clear.

What wasn’t clear at all was how to not be causing these reactions: if the cause was in my very nature, it seemed as if there was nothing I could do about it, and then believing that, I was disempowered. I mean: You-Can’t-Change-Human-Nature is one of those root assumptions for building a reality: from the inherited, genetic, or pre-programmed legacy, whatever, the That’s-the-Way-God-Made-Me program: I had not questioned that.

Instead, I felt that me causing these reactions was evidence that I was in my being deeply wrong or bad, and I judged myself in that, in righteousness I stepped away from me and harboured guilt into my being, guilt for being me. From personal attacks coming out of the emotional reactions of my teachers, and eventually of my peers as well, from frequently being used as an example to the others of how not to be, and from my own guilt and judgement of myself, I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the consensus of the immediate world around me: I became quiet and careful and sparing with my words, if I found an opportunity to not be present in a class, then I took it. The practicality of having education shrank into a very minor point in my everyday emotional drama. In fact gradually I found sneaky ways and means to not be present in the school at all, and so avoid these issues.

But staying with the point: the origins of that fear: just how far back to go? Through writing out these points I get an understanding of this fear, as well the simple fear of asking questions, and yet the environment of school is long time past, the environment of lostness in my lack of understanding of myself is also past. Just like Marduk’s update on the processes of Sleep, I need to update my own processes of being awake, remove these old designs that clutter my awakeness. Such as with these ‘snags’ that come up in my plans and my creations: to take them as they come, and recognize the fear that is within them, and name that fear, and so give myself the means with which to deal with it, so that I do not shape my life with instances of stopping, giving up on plans, and getting stuck in patterns in myself, but instead, allow myself to move.

 

 

 

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Day 438: Righteous Comfort Zones

In Bursting your Bubble of Comfort, ( Future of Consciousness series, Eqafe), Veno responds to the question: What could be preventing us from the commitment, the consistency, the dedication to change?

So through my own processes and through also listening to what he has to say, I come to a question in myself: What is actually my relationship to the word Change? That means also implicit in this question: How have I defined the word Change, in what ways might I clear this word for me, and then redefine it, live it? What is there in this word as I have absorbed it into me and so lived it that has brought me into a relationship of making-do with it, or wanting to overcome it, or force it in some way: is there some reaction that is embedded into it I have not noticed, some problem or other, some belief installed within it, or some deep objection?

Well, no, in fact, none or little of the above: when I look at the word Change on its own and how it is for me, I find that it remains quite clear and simple: the complications come with the application of this word to the phenomenon of me. Changing me. Changing me comes as a challenge to a position that I am holding to, into which I have defined myself. So in a way, this possibility of redefining Change comes as a bit of a distraction, or even a form of blame, with a touch of hope thrown in, that if I could find some problem with the word itself, and then clear that, then I might in turn be able to more easily commit myself to change.

Nice try, as they say. But in myself I know that it is what my existing commitment is already fastened into and merged with that I recognize within myself as me, that is what I need to differentiate, to loosen up and let go of, and so to redefine and change. That state of mergence is kind of nebulous: actually seeing that – is a start for me – like walking in a fog, one realizes that this is fog: big difference. What is for example now the nature of this fog?

As explored in recent posts, that righteous personality configuration in my mind that through years of turning to, or living as, I have naturalized: seeing it, and sensing it, like vaguely making out its outline is continuously a humbling experience. That difference between the question: “Am I Right?” and the question: “Can I honestly or truly trust in this perception of how I see the way things are?” opens up, let’s say, a new dimension, in me. And what I often see is how I have invested in the feelings of being ‘right’, and have come within myself to depend upon them, as a positive experience of being ‘me’, like invested in this positive feeling experience, you could call that ‘ego’, where I would tend to be defensive of this experience that I generate in feelings.

Obviously to me, at times, this definition of myself has no reality – I mean there is no reference to the outer world: I am in a comfort zone as a conjunction in my mind of a construct of being ‘right’ and some positive energy experience that I generate within me. So here in answer to my question where first I looked at ‘making-do-with’ in my relationship to the word Change, what I see is the nature of my commitment to this comfort zone, that having accepted and allowed this commitment, then also I accept this making-do-with ‘change’, as if ‘change’ was difficult within itself. Points of self manipulation such as this abound within this character, concerted organized and interdependent; they are what make up together as a whole, a projection of reality.

Examples of actual changes that I’ve made in the light of all of this – not changing ‘me’ in a global sense, but changes that I’ve made in support of me seeing and realizing what it is I am actually doing – have been in actions stemming from being more critical of my activities within the obvious comfort zones, of system ‘entertainment’, what is actually going on inside me of when I turn to watching films: looking at how much for example I am responding to my definition of comfort in relation to the experience of righteousness, that I am right within my knowing of this genre or that genre, or my opinion of this information, or in my perceptions of this brainwashing, this advertising, this slanting of the news, and seeing that this experience of myself is what I am seeking, seeing it as as a stepping-out or as a kind of ‘break’, I simply do not take this option, these are actual actions in support of change; because I see and realise that this is less a stepping-out than it is a stepping-in to those familiar energy resources that I have become accustomed to within me.

The question what is going on within me when I turn to on-tap entertainments of this kind is often that I’ve reached a point of exasperation in a way, and within that exasperation I have strayed into a negative experience of myself, that I am lost or overwhelmed, that it’s all too much, and judgements of myself are creeping in, that is, within and as my mind I have already started to respond to my internal entertainment systems, in which I am reacting to negative experience of me, and seeking out the positive polarity.

Continuing next post…

 

 

 

 

 

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Day 437: Righteous Spite

Day 437: Righteous Spite

…continuing from previous post, Day 436: Why Am I Doing This To Me?

… here deconstructing more the mind domain of Righteousness:

I commit myself to change my relationship to backchat, such as the relationship in which I become a character of being far too busy in my mind to pay attention to these reflections, which are evolutions in a way, of points in me that I have denied as being a part of me, and so have relegated to suppression, in which far from opening awareness in me, instead, I have further buried parts of me, those parts I have judged as bad or wrong or unacceptable to me. That backchat function of my mind has become a sort of fishing expedition, testing word formations to find what elicits a reaction, and the hooks that work are developed and evolved, become more specified, and become more pointed.

In saying Fuck Off to persistent backchats: what is going on? In this scenario, and I use this word ‘scenario’, because it is like a scene of inner theatre, a projection of myself as if upon a stage, speaking to an echo of a part of me, believing in a false reality in which I am expressing spite towards a reflection of myself – in exasperation – as if losing patience with a nuisance of some kind.

I am saying Fuck Off to a nuisance part of me. Looking at this sentence I start off in attack and end up in that realization of being attacked, in those last two words when I realise and take on board my wholeness here, that all of it is parts of me – what is the feeling in me when I realise and understand that I am both the attacker and the target of my spite? Kind of gutted really. It is like a moment of experience of wholeness, but kind of inconvenient to my righteousness. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the authority of separation in my mind, through which a sense of wholeness in me has become an inconvenience to me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or appreciate how the mind is supportive in a way, by with backchat challenging this false authority.

In the scenario, the false reality, I actually want that part of me the backchat represents to be separate from me, to be as the villain of the piece, and as righteousness I assume the power to quell these nuisance backchats, and so I use Fuck-Off almost as a magic formula of suppression. I am not listening to you, go away, stop bothering me. Here within my righteousness reaction is that connection and assumption of ideas of strength and power, superiority, authority. And yet within and as this righteousness I do not see that I have actually taken the bait, have shifted into the role of having the rights of expressing spite that I’ve connected with authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in my early experiences of figures of authority wielding spite as part of their authority to have accepted and absorbed that spite as part of that authority. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am right in my interpretations that characters of superiority that resonate intensity are actually resonating spite. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that authority comes with the rights to be abusive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify being spiteful when I am trying to defend an image of myself as authority. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that if I need to defend my own authority, that it can’t be real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect myself from realising that my authority is not real by lashing out at me within my mind and lashing out at others. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how my backchat has personified my own spitefulness that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilise in protection of my self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in right and wrong as absolutes – even though I have accepted and allowed myself to see and realise and understand that right and wrong come from a starting point that is not in physical reality – I forgive myself that I have not rooted out the programming of this polarity from out of me, and let it go, but have instead allowed a righteous character to continue to exist within me, and for myself to embody righteousness, within my own relationships to me, and to allow myself to exist within and as these programs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect authority to righteousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge righteousness in other people, while not recognizing it in myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge righteousness itself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how in the act of judgement I am in a stance of righteousness, that I am embodying righteousness in judging me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in my endeavors to forgive myself for the judgements that I have made of me and of others, and for my proclivity of judgement, that I have not forgiven the righteousness that I have assumed in making judgements.

In judging righteousness: I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see the righteousness within me, as the starting point of judgement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody righteousness to such an extent that I am unable to see it, but only seen the consequence of this in the harm that my own judgements have done to my acceptance of myself, and the damage that I’ve done to relationships in my life.

I forgive myself that I have connected authority with righteousness and then lived out that connection, and then not seen or realized that in my inner world my own authority as me is connected also into righteousness and thence into either making judgements of myself or parts of me, or else into judging others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this righteous programming to interfere with and become a part of my perceptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought that ‘I am right’ to be a reference to an idea in my mind authority. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live authority in this way. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see and realise that my authority as me cannot be real while I am divided in myself as the polarity between superiority as righteousness and the judgements of my faults and weaknesses. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my righteousness authority as a point of strength, not seeing how strength defined like this cannot be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret my perceptions of movements of energy accumulations in my mind as having authority, as being more than me, as being more than I can direct: I forgive myself in relation to this to have strengthened my belief in weakness as who I am, as a being kind of at the mercy of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a character of giving up from out of this relationship. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attribute my own definitions of authority to the energy accumulations within my mind, and then to fear that authority. In this game, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed a character of giving up, accepting the belief that I am weak, and justifying my weakness, or else to feed the character of righteousness in which I am lashing out at parts of me that seem to threaten my self image. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how this perception in my mind of authority as righteousness is supporting the belief in me that ‘I am weak’.

 

On the process of fear of authority: a very supportive Life Review has been published recently in Eqafe: What Your Mind Doesn’t Want You to Know about Fear of Authority.

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Day 436: Why Am I Doing This To Me?

 

Day 436: Why Am I Doing This To Me?

Belief in weakness as the reality of my inner nature rather than seeing and realizing that its starting point is an emotional perception only, functioning as a component of a design of consciousness for the purpose of containment of the living being. In the fifth part of their walk through of this design, the Atlanteans ask the question: Why would we be doing this to ourselves?

These points follow for me from the points made in the previous post, about the belief in weakness as the point of giving up amid reactions towards the energy accumulation in the mind, where these apparent ‘forces’ are derived from my own deliberate designs or simulations of strength within and as what has gradually become a righteousness foundation, my resource of feelings from the comfort zone of a personality of giving up.

Disturbing this, I realise how much of the nitty-gritty workings of this personality is merged into the comfort zone. Recently in some quite tough moments of support, it was pointed out to me some spitefulness in me that was coming from my defences of my righteousness within the claimed boundaries of ‘my’ space. Rather than just dismissing such support, trusting the perceptions that were shared with me, I chose instead to take it seriously and investigate. Something that I noticed immediately in this investigation process was how much questions from a starting point of defending a self definition actually led to nowhere, whereas my experience within asking the disturbing, stirring, provocative, tough questions, although kind of gruesome were also kind of knocking on a door to something new and real and vital in me.

So looking at the experience itself of the stance of being ‘completely and absolutely right’, and asking: What are actually the comforts that I have accepted and allowed within that? Here I realise that ‘comfort-zone’ has not really been of much use to me, within the field of my introspections, in the sense of remaining for me like a psychological technicality, describing something that exists, and yet without the life of me within it, or only a version of a me that is a specimen of kinds, acknowledging that yes I do indulge in such a way, and yet there are arrays of backdoors and conditions, where I have defined the word of comfort-zone so as not to be inclusive of my actual experience within it. As a psychological technicality I have accepted the term in a non-specific de-personalized form, ready for an idea in my mind of general scientific use.

And for this word, Use, as well, what does it imply within the personal science of me? Does ‘use’ include the movement or direction of self support? Or is Use as well deprived of purpose in the sphere of Life? Is it really and in fact Support for me to be making references to Comfort-Zone and Use when really by the way I have defined these words, there comes no shake-up, I manage things so as not to shake myself into being awake. I have set things up so there comes no question that can impinge on me.

What are the comforts of being ‘completely and absolutely right’, what are the feelings that I give myself from this? In saying to myself, yes, I am absolutely completely right, there is a feeling of strength, of firmness, within my mind, within a perception of being right I have created in my mind a stand, or stance, and to the extent of how much I have identified myself with all of these perceptions of being absolutely completely right about so many things, I see now how I have accepted and allowed a mind possession.

A ‘Mind Possession’: here, another term, somewhat clinical. If I were to define ‘mind possession’ as where I have accepted and allowed myself to live, as my home, the place where I get such feelings as ‘belonging’, a place within my life in which there is no doubt, a place within my life in which there is the experience for me of self acceptance, where I have literally merged a part of me into a group of judgements and become them, become indistinguishable from them, to myself, and derived experience of them as myself as my personal normality, then yes, both ‘comfort-zone’ and ‘mind possession’ begin to take on more tangibility, more meaning, and more accessibility. The inquiries into how and why originally in this life I felt the need to create a resource of such feelings as belonging, if not concluded here, are now open, the same with questions as to what and how could ‘home’ exist for me in any real sense, while the question within that is how does ‘home’ exist for me within myself?

Ok so notes along the way, along the journey: Just allowing me to be asking questions of myself about such things has shaken the illusion, because the illusion rests upon apparent unquestionability, that is in a way how it can contain, how it can remain unnoticed.

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