Day 335: Diligence and Gathering the Information
Gathering the information together: I find that in ‘facing’ the point of gathering the information together I have already created a resistance – that I should ‘face’ it, and so within that, retain an option of turning away from it. There I am again on the threshold of myself as who I am.
A summary of things has got a simple maths to it that adds up to plainly how it is in me, as a group of contradictions that I have somehow got along with, with various tricks of suppression, and so never put together. And there is an anxiety that arises in me with this contradictory wanting to change and yet at the same time fearing actual change, and then demanding that I must know in advance what it is that may unfold, and fearing the reality that in seeing it all together that I will no longer be able to sustain the lie because I am aware of it. And like putting dominating personalities together in a room designed for one, there is a fear of conflict.
Anxiety also comes up as a reaction to seeing myself going into a groundless positivity, as a vision of me changed, that somehow magically I have accomplished change, and within that, a fear of the future in which I see it all collapsing. And also there I see at the starting point of this magic leap, a desire to escape from what I have been looking at that is parts of me.
So, practically, there is the tool that I have picked up along the way, which has been a step in redefining me within the word and sound of No: that in using No I have found a means of conveying value to a Yes supporting me within myself, a me that grows more tangible, and that is here quite practical because with breath I have used it as a means to coax myself to simply look through stuff I’ve written in the past, and take the step of putting it together.
As also with the word Structure, and seeing how I can direct myself in using this in practicality, such as in taking these various written posts and putting them together: doing such things as making lists for example. And an aspect of fearing structure that I noticed a while ago was how it was that when I was young and spinning stories about what happened that would serve in my mind as an excuse for what I’d done, that I came to fear the structure that is expressed in natural common sense, as in adults to a child, simple questions, that would expose me in dishonesty. So here again, bringing structure to myself with things like lists, and simple questions in support of me.
Continuing next time…
What does it mean, this Redefinition and living of words? Self Creation : SOUL
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