Day 477: Authority and Extending Living Principle as Release

Day 477: Authority and Extending Living Principle as Release

Redefining the word Writing   (Part 6)

 

In this post I continue my enquiry into how I have personally defined the word Authority, having seen to what extent I have accepted and allowed this word to define my relationship to Writing. Yes, having seen, how Authority, the word, had become in the dimensions of my mind, as an obstruction, as a block of concrete, like a massive building, as a ‘ministry’, a department of ‘government’, something dark and drab and hostile, labyrinthine; a place, a part of me that I’d avoid, imagining that in entering into it, that I would be forced to submit to alien directions, and pre-established systems, to being processed, to having my existence as dependent on a file, to be waiting at a desk for that file to be located…

…Interesting to see how easily a story unfolds, and just how in writing out these points I show myself how much the content of this word is charged – that is, parts to which I had delegated charge… to be charged, to be in charge… all these words as angles of the word Authority that extend and straggle into my personal thesaurus, into memories and representations of my experience of emotion, the histories of my participations: and ultimately to see that every document and file has been undersigned by me.

Yes, undersigned by me, and yet not seeing or realizing that each and every brick or wall or corridor or stairwell or department, desk, official, ticket, file… all the words that together contributed to the impression of immovability of the block, that contributed to the overall impression that: This word cannot be redefined, cannot be dismantled, that the bonds which hold the structure all together cannot be released, that the complexity of the bondage is overwhelming, that at every turning place there will arise a set of new distractions – I see that what I am exposing here are the beliefs that braid together as groups of word designs and formulations to which I had awarded function and reality and had connected to a charge, and given them a bearing to the structure of Authority as a whole. And in ‘as a whole’ I see now how I had conferred onto this word a wholeness, a completeness, an isolation, a self containment, a separation of itself from me – as a concrete block, with me as if outside of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this word can’t be changed, that it cannot be dismantled, that the bonds which hold the structure all together cannot be released, that my only choice towards it is to avoid; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these thoughts and beliefs to become embedded into me, to continue to have existence in me, to have assumed authority in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that in believing in these thoughts I have accepted and allowed my judgements and definitions as being reality.

In ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed’ what I stand by is the realization that I have in fact given my permission for such a thing to be, and in that realization therefore I also have the choice to withdraw that permission, and in so doing, to release myself:

In view of this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a double life, a life in which I both live my own authority as the choice and decision to forgive myself, while at the same time live my choice of avoidance of that which in my mind pertains to the word Authority; that while I utilize Directive Principle in releasing me from bonds that are not aligned with the Principle of Life, I am at the same time not seeing how I have made of the word Authority an exception; I am at the same time undermining that Directive Principle by looking at the bonds within Authority itself as if they can’t be changed.

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how – in keeping how I have defined and lived Authority suppressed – how I have accepted and allowed myself to live a contradiction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as less and as inferior to Authority, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as denial of Directive Principle. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a double life in which Authority and Directive Principle appear to me as different things. I forgive myself that through the word Authority I have accepted and allowed myself to live a split reality.

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the word Authority to represent my willingness for my reality to be split, for there being places in my mind and in my world in which Directive Principle does not exist, and therefore also in my imagined representation of Authority as being this massive concrete block with unchangeable component parts, parts as places in my mind that there is no Me as Life. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me the word Authority as a monument to Death. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are parts and places in reality in which there is no Life.

In my journey to life I commit myself to release the word Authority, to allow it to be one with who I am as Directive Principle, I commit myself to learn to live Directive Principle, while right now immediately to face the bondage that I have accepted and allowed within how I have defined and lived my version of authority, and to bring instead Release.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the word Authority as an emblem in my mind of bondage. Therefore in my Self Forgiveness for how I have Wrought Authority in my mind, I walk the word Release. In Authority as me as the Living Principle of Awareness I commit myself to live Release. I commit myself to release myself from commitments that I’ve made and undersigned within the construct of authority. I commit myself to use the principle of Release as a tool to redefine and live Authority as one with Life. I commit myself to redefine myself within and as authority through actions of release.

The living principle of me is what I have been practicing to extend in releasing me in specific acts of Self Forgiveness, therefore what I see here for me in redefining Authority is to be taking Authority back to me in practicing this authority – not as a tool of power, or as a reminder of a powerlessness – but instead as an agent of release, knowing in myself that in doing this I am extending Living Principle through me into the physical, into practical reality.

I commit myself to bring Release more into the forefront as I approach the world, and seeing that it already does exist in my relationships I commit myself to being more aware of it and more aware of who I am extending it, to understand more deeply why this should feel so natural, knowing that what I am extending and expanding is me as Living Principle in practicality.

That someone stands beside me, as I make a choice – standing with – reminding me in their presence that the choice is not constricted – that for example my choice does not have to be to participate in fear – that company – through a living being – extends the principle of release, that in a moment of support is allowing me to see that I too have the choice to release myself. I commit myself in walking this new version of authority to also be the presence standing with, the one extending that release.

From that false authority that I have accepted and allowed and so become a victim of, I release myself: when and as I feel that general restraining order in my body, I stop and I breathe: the new authority that I am living is the authority of release: I do not any longer accept that authority of constraint that I have previously believed in, I do not accept the authority of those beliefs.

When and as I see that I am holding someone in my mind, interpreting them through labels that I have asserted onto them, and in myself simulating authority within believing in my judgements and interpretations; I stop and I breathe I do not any longer accept the authority implied in believing these interpretations of another being. Living the authority of release, I let this being be, I release them from my own constrictions, and in doing this I release myself from that false authority that I have been living and asserting.

…continuing… next post

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Day 476: Points of Living Self-Authority, Approval and Survival

Redefining the word Writing   (Part 5)

Points of Living Self-Authority, Approval and Survival

Redefining Words is a newly opened, clarified and implemented path of self support and self change through introspection, understanding and self forgiveness; and yet our choice with how we live the words within us is not new, it always has been here. Our abuse of words has consequently shaped our world; together we have furthered all our individual points of alienation, layer on layer we have created an absurdity. Here in redefining writing I share how I have supported me to expose for me the absurdity that I myself have lived of accepting and allowing my creation of Authority to become a constant interference of who I am at one with purpose.

While redefining Writing, many questions have come up, and around this point of asking questions, here’s another: Having asked a question in ourselves do we even know what forces we have set in motion? All of us are dowsers in a way – or is it Tao-sers? – While having questions turning over in our depths, and at the same time living out our everyday existence, we have an eye out for an answer, from the back-burners, an eye out for an understanding, for a clue, for further information, whether that be from a film we chose to watch, a snippet from a song we chose to hear, or something someone says, anything at all from out of the blue in our experience, where suddenly we recognize a significance, a moment in which that question that was asked finds some kind of a completion, or meets with a connection, and then when that happens, we choose to either look at it or not. That was how it was for me in a book that I was reading, when the word Presently came up, and I chose to look at it.

And so with Presently, the word: I ask myself what may come along, what possibilities may open up, be provided for by the dimensions of this word? With me, I ask myself because as I read the opening of a story, ‘Presently’ arrived, or had been placed in such a way that it stood out clearly in my mind as a point within itself, stood out from the run of words, as it were, with all its lights still on; and so asking this I paused the reading process to make an exploration, to trust the notion that my meeting with this word had been, if not my destination, had been necessary, supportive, had even been a possible entrance for me to find my way in redefining Authority – about which I had apprehension, had been dragging my feet. A question like, How might ‘Presently’ come into, be relevant, be a part of this question I’ve been living, as I follow through in redefining Writing?

What would be that ‘entrance’? Here for me that entrance represents the question of, How can I open up the word Authority, this point that is here, within redefining Writing; where in the process of the previous post I have come to see how much I have accepted and allowed this word Authority, with my commitment to the contents of its definition, to interfere so much with me with who I am as one with purpose, so that as I start to write, I lose my footing; there is a hitch, a knot, a lifting up, a suspension.

So here I realign myself with Purpose in this Redefinition of Writing, reaffirming for myself that I am not avoiding my meeting with the word Authority, but choose first to open up the word Presently – as if it were an Entrance.

So, to share here how ‘Presently’ came up: within the book, as I read the ‘passage’, it was, “…following a trail across the hills… Presently…the two men stood face to face…” Here is how in my reception of this sentence, ‘Presently’ resonated in me: – Presently: as quietly the moment changes. Presently: it was a day in Life. Presently: without restraint, without a past. Presently: in the way things happen, easily. Presently: within and as the manner of the presences of beings… so that in the opening of a story, the word Presently arrives, the nature of that which is both here, and is to come, the nature of a day in Life that simply is… I kind of throw together here a list of resonances, of how this word Presently came up in me as I was reading, and then seeing how through the nature of this word, the outcome of the meeting of the men as they eventually came face to face, was limitless.

Now considering how I had, in my redefinition of writing, kind of made an appointment with the word Authority, and had been feeling apprehensive about the meeting, and how it might or may be, “face to face”, I see now how Presently came as a solution for me, a way in which living presently with myself, I might approach this meeting. Something else as well: that even briefly though it was, within and as a walk through – of the resonances of Presently – I showed myself what living Presently could mean – with a sense of knowing every corner of it – as if it were my body – and that physical experience of knowing what is me – it’s like here I feel I’ve touched on what could be an outline of a redefined Authority, an Authority that exists within the living of a word. And so with this insight, a lightness came across the word Authority.

In approaching a point, in the way of how it’s done, here I show myself – with the support of Presently – a more sure-footed way in which one stays within one’s life in and as the living Presently – and kind of extending from it – so that now considering that Apprehension that I had – as an experience of instability, as fear of what might or may likely happen – that I had associated with really taking a look at and into the word Authority – I now question this connection. The word Authority, the word, the noun, is in itself quite abstract, neutral: and what I see is that the word itself is not the source of the apprehension that I felt around it. And I start to question now, rather than what is this word Authority – that I have been apprehensive meeting with – but instead to ask myself, How did I create Authority?

With this new question then I looked into my past, and I started to consider this; me in relation to the point of seeking approval, such as in my early days at school, a world in which my survival seemed dependent on it: here is where I actually created ‘authority’: in the opinions of others, in the consensus of peers, and then later with the representatives of ‘the authorities’ – where towards this ‘authority’ that I had created, I separated from it, I bonded it to my experience of apprehension, and did not question it. I was content in some way with systemizing my avoidance of it.

To take a look now at the image that I created of the word Authority – as I considered redefining it – seeing the word as a massive ugly concrete building – and me approaching it, fearing to walk up the steps and go into it – going to myself, Oh My God, now I have to redefine this place – sort of shove my body through the doors, and navigate the corridors and stairs and waiting rooms, imagining my incremental steps into my own diminishment. But in actually opening the doors of my apprehension rather than the doors of this massive Block, I see now how much the Block itself is like my systemization – sort of the Ministry of Adam Self Deception, which existed for the purpose of not seeing that I created this Authority, that I created it from a belief that also I had made, a belief in my survival being dependent on approval.

Within and as the Presently I live:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have committed myself to living out a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival was dependent on the approval of those around me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival was dependent on a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival depended on a point of what I said, of what my expression was in a moment, on a point of my behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the definitions put on me by others in order to serve the belief that my survival was dependent on approval.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a version of Authority that could only be outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and apprehension over what might happen if I were to express myself regardless of the Authority that I perceived outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having many years ago, thrown away the key to who I am, that it could never be retrieved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become resigned within and towards my experience of fear and apprehension that I connected to Authority.

In serving my belief that my survival was dependent on approval. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consolidate my commitment to this definition of Authority. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strengthen my belief that my survival is dependent on a point.

Within and as the Presently I live: I withdraw my commitment to Authority as a thing only in the world outside of me, and I recommit myself to my own authority within, within and as the words I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be nothing without being defined by others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the nothingness of my being with death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the beings around me as being ‘something’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and approved of my refusal to see that who I am as nothingness is my choice to live through words, that my responsibility within this choice is freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that in my judgement of myself I have asserted on to me as ‘who I am’, or ‘what I am’; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw away my awareness of the choice I have of living words.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an oversight of judgement to become an authority in my life, an authority that defines me with asserted words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by these asserted words, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then interpret who I am through these words as labels that I have accepted and allowed to be put on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live ‘Authority’ as a defining force in which I have approved that I be victim to it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to this defining force its own devices so that I never have to see the reality of the nothingness being, so that I never have to see my choice to be aware, to live Awareness, and live the words I choose to live.

Therefore, Presently, as I come along the path and meet Authority face to face, I commit myself to live Awareness.

…continuing next post…

 

 

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Day 474: Redefining Writing: Evidence, Affront and Trespass

…this photo as a note…in looking up and seeing the garden here, one evening in the street light.. my projections on the natural expressions, redolent with meaning, almost as a word or phrase…

Day 474: Redefining Writing: Evidence, Affront and Trespass

.Evidence of how I have defined a word comes up in me as I am about to put that word into action.

So here, as I am about to write, I observe those moments of hovering, those moments prior to the decision to just simply go in there and do it; and for me I notice within the fear of setting down the pen onto the page – again – as if the patience were wearing thin… yes writing out – Again! – only this time staying with myself within that fear, in all its vagueness, and in the face of that impatience, to see what might exist in it; and what I notice kind of within the folds of that fear, is a feeling of Affront, as if the intention to resume the writing were the cause of it. Both at the same time really: in the feeling of Affront; of being offended, and as well the feeling of being the cause of the offense.

This is a cool discovery for me: extracting these specific words from out of what had previously been nameless, shapeless. There may be and are many other dimensions to this fear, but here is one of them.

Playing with the word Offense, the phrase ‘Uneasy sits the Crown’ comes up, and it seems apt to me as so often examples of Offense being taken involve a being with a position to defend, who has a hidden insecurity, since the ground of their authority is in some way false. Sometimes I’ve noticed offense being taken when an expectation from the other person has been unconsciously like a feeding of respect for their position, or for some other thing, so that when that feed is no longer felt to be in place, they take offense – as if their elevated rank for example had been doubted, they feel slighted; as if there had been a breech of contract.

And in ‘taking offense’, that is with me taking offense: such as in not being taken seriously: those moments in which I feel that I am deliberately misinterpreted, for the sake of a joke or a giggle, and I am unwilling to look at the possibility that I am becoming quite intense or over earnest, unwilling to see that a moment of levity could be valid, unwilling to consider that I might have strayed into a personality of some kind, unwilling to consider that I might have lost my way, unwilling to consider that what I’m seeing as an attack may actually be supportive. All of this exists within me as experience, as memories that contain that experience of being offended, taking offense. If that were not so then I would not recognize this feeling in me that comes up as I am approaching writing: I would have nothing to recognize it with.

And with the feeling of Offense that comes up, there is a fear of that feeling also, a fear of standing in it, staying with it, and also that feeling as well of having caused offense, or that possibly I might cause offence. A question here is this: by participating in this fear around Writing, what self definition am I living out, what word expression am I using for this purpose, when by participating in that fear, I validate that reaction of Offense, and I am actually being as a pest, a nuisance. Here is like the other side of it, though as I am approaching Writing they are both as one. So like in approaching Writing I am approaching the grounds of a complaint, where the complaint has been, “If not for this and that… nuisance… happening…then life would just go on and on, and on…” And so in a way the writing-ground is pre-defined within the parameters of complaint – as a kind of trespass – and the words if written down at all – are disposed towards defense – and as a trespasser, there is the feeling of causing an offense, kind of tip-toeing around on someone else’s land.

In the case of thinking that I have offended someone – and usually it’s way later – it matters to me a lot. Feeling shocked that this had happened, I go back and re-examine everything I can, with self questioning and re-runs, looking at all the angles, like was it something I said or didn’t say, something I did or didn’t do – perhaps it is not that drastic – but there is an insecurity opens up in me – and though often I do not find out if it happened or not, because times go by, and moments are gone, I think that mostly it was not real, it was usually me giving reality to something that did not happen, that is me validating a suggestion or suspicion in my mind. This is a good reminder to me of how I can be manipulated by for example someone resonating or even feigning offense, with me going into a reaction that is out off proportion, and also with the self manipulation, where that familiar doubt or feeling of having caused offense can have the result of me not going ahead with my intentions, as in the case of trespassing on someone’s land, not doing it.

Well who is it whose land I am considering to trespass in? Obviously all of it is me, and looking at the nuances within the fear of writing, all of them are also part of me: these feelings of offense and fear of them, these fears of causing an offense, who I am within and as my reactions to them, my validations of them. I take a look again at what I said about being the one who takes offense, and being unwilling to consider that I strayed into a personality of some kind, and that phrase ‘Uneasy sits the Crown’; a personality of the mind can have a sort of energetic insecurity, and that feeling of offense though rationalized into all kinds of human relationships and contexts, could also be like a survival fear of the personality itself, an expression of instability of a system.

There is part of me that is my mind, that part of me that is the mind, as all the words that I’ve been living, or existing as, and there is the part me that is the life within those words, responsible for their meaning, responsible for the nature of the mind, responsible for the automation of those words, responsible for my absence from them; so that as I develop self awareness in my redefinition process and give back to me my self responsibility it seems as if a relationship exists between myself and my programmed automation, in which largely I have kind of let things run, as in on and on and on.

There is kind of a relief in seeing that you are tied, because then there is a way forward, there is the possibility of then seeing How it works, rather than remaining in a wordless overwhelmingness in which one has become accustomed and familiar with resignation, and then such as with me, finds a positive energy for that, experiencing it as laziness… that everything’s ok, that I have time, just wait until the energy has changed…

In Breech of Contract comes up through Affront, Offense, and Trespass: words associated with crime and law, and so stemming from Authority. A personality of the mind, as a world of fraud can only function with the absence of evidence: it quavers, trembles, becomes unstable and shaky and deceptive as the lie on which it feeds is becoming likely to get written out. Within myself as both the maker and the breaker of my world of laws and contracts and dubious definitions I see now within this post these points as pushed up surface features pointing me towards who I am on deeper levels as ambiguous authority.

 

…continuing into this.. next post…

 

 

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Day 473: Writing, Fire and Brimstone and Self-Judgement

Day 473: Writing, Fire and Brimstone and Self-Judgement

 

With redefining Writing one may not see the need; the practicalities of writing as simply laying out the words onto paper or onto screen are well defined. It is when writing out the contents of our inner world that the unconscious parameters within our words assert themselves. With Writing as the physical aspect of introspection, as In ‘Writing Self to Freedom,’ writing stands as a gate, and for the gate to actually be an opening rather than a process of filtration, the word Writing needs to be clear and straight forward.

With the unfolding nature of the self-forgiveness statements it is impossible to predict where it might lead: what layers might be revealed, what programmed constructs might be exposed. Thinking in the mind – Oh Yes I get this, now I see where this is going – is for me an easy self-deception – often passing-swiftly-on seems so natural – while going back along the path that I have trodden to look again at statements that I’ve made seems like a loss.

With reference to previous post, Day 472, some Forgiveness Statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to include judgement of my self into the very fabric of the definition of the word Writing, and within that within the word Convey, and then not allow myself to look at and to expose for me that part of me as who I am as Judgement that is in the word and that is therefore in the action that I know as Writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this part of me, to secretly apply myself as Judgement to this part of me as Judgement, to be as Judgement itself looking into the glass of Judgement attempting to ignore or look around myself to make do somehow in the presence of this part of me that I am living, and to at the same time try and write around it, as if it were real that I had actually dismissed it. I forgive myself that I have participated in this self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in shame of who I am as Judgement, to within the secrecy of my mind attempt to push this part of me aside, to reject this part of me, and in doing this I forgive myself that I have been participating in the judgement that I have been rejecting. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed the Writing that is Judgement to speak out as itself, as who I am as Judgement, to speak out and be clear as Judgement so that I may see and know what Judgements I am making so that those judgements may be corrected, and so that within my definition of the word Writing I may be wholly me rather than in separation from a part of me that is self rejecting. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my own authority into the hands of this separating part of me and so become as less than and in fear of it within the act of Writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider self forgiveness of my acceptance and allowance of Judgement existing in my definition of the word Writing, with a view to simply getting rid of it, clearing it out, without consideration of this Judgement as being a part of me, or consideration of the fact that I am trying with self forgiveness to rid myself of parts of me, and so not seeing how the misalignment of judgement still remains.

Fire and Brimstone: here are two words that come up now. Who I am as Fire and Brimstone, or who I might possibly become if I allowed it, here was a part of me that I was in fear of, that Bible thumping, The End is Nigh personality; I was in fear of it because I once saw how easily I might become it, as if that roaring energy of the Wrath of God might have been contagious; and to overcome the fear I suppressed this part of me. What more precisely was involved in this manoeuvre? I mean looking back on this now I see here was the word Convey on Crack, somehow consummated in spreading the contagion. And yet that Wrath of God was an extreme form of righteous judgement and with the thumping of the Good-Book personality it was a thing I judged against extremely; this is why it was with fear and horror that I saw how easily I could become it. Having glimpsed an aspect of reality it seemed my responsibility to Convey it. Like here it seemed was the word Convey in exaltation. And here also in this Fire and Brimstone personality was Authority, my own Authority that I had horrifyingly given up to Judgement, and then done my best to stamp it down.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I alike with all other beings am seeking to express and live the Word, and that in Judgement also I have chosen to express my life, and in not seeing how in my application of this word I have been mistaken, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject that part of me within the word as if I were separate to that part of me I wanted to express.

Continuing…

 

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Day 472: Writing, Escribiendo, and Convey

In this situation of being Here, nothing ‘ordinary’ exists – one only has to really look at any single thing to know this to be so.

Day 472: Writing, Escribiendo, and Convey

I forgive myself, as my Being, as my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed to persist within me constant obstacles to my expression; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive tribute to the resistances that arise within Me; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive credence to the doubts in Me and of Me; that I have through all of this accepted and allowed myself to limit the Self Forgiveness that I am willing to give to Me, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined according to those limits.

 

I place this SF statement here as a reminder of the previous post: it’s what I have been walking for these six or seven weeks or so, and now probably even more, and if not diligently walking, then all the same it has anyway had effects on who I am, the way I am. Some of these effects have been quite turbulent; from day to day new understandings have been coming up and I have kind of let them go, postponing writing, thinking mistakenly that tomorrow will be clearer, and yet tomorrow turns out to be a different day and different things have happened, seemingly not connected to the day before; and within that turbulence I am different also, or in a different place within myself, or more that there are parts of me that have become apparent that I had not recognised before.

 

Somewhat like a reading of some tarot cards as they turn up on the table; how one follows the other is not obvious at all to our everyday one-dimensionality, and whether it be cards laid down on table tops, or waking modes of thought, or the world itself as picked up by the physical eye in moments of reflection from the timeline of a thought, where a detail of the present scene is kind of pointed out by what the eye alights on – the tarot of the world itself – where from a floating narrative of thought, a reference point was chosen – at a certain juncture – perhaps there had been a glitch of a reaction, or else the glimpse of a solution, a momentary realisation of an implication opening up some a vista or a depth. Chosen spontaneously by the physical eyes, quick as a blink the attention had been rested on a tiny detail of the physical surroundings – as if it were a tarot card, a scale of vision – a movement not away from a certain consideration but instead a move towards a fuller understanding, a metaphorical dimension selected from the physical surroundings. That way the detail that had been lighted on by the physical eye could be seen as being supportive, even though the reading of the world remained so difficult to grasp.

 

This turbulence, or seeming dis-connectedness has not been any kind of problem in the flow of my process and experience of myself, but has been instead in feeling stuck in writing I see it’s like a problem arising from my definition of the word ‘writing’ – I see now how much I have been reacting to myself as I place myself as the living agent in this word Writing, going into judgements about continuity, connection, logical progression, keeping things upright, square, with an eye towards consistency… while my personal experience has been so far from that; and yet really now I look at it, what I see is that conveying my experience of the last few weeks has been a challenge to my definition of the word, and asking the question, Can it stand, and, Can I stand within as this definition, which, now I face the question, and see these weeks of hesitation and realise that I cannot, and that therefore I must now redefine the word anew and clear it.

 

Here is an approach to stuckness in ‘Writing’, to ask: What within my definition of this word am I allowing as obstructive? Does there exist within my definition of the word something that is outside of me or separate from me, such as a projection of myself that cannot be lived, an expectation of myself that cannot be fulfilled, because being a projection, it is not real… is there something in the definition that, when it comes to transfer into living action, causes a malfunction, in which ‘to write’ seems impossible, which maybe for these reasons, it actually is. I mean how can a definition function if it has built into something that is impossible?

 

Within my living of the word Writing, and for me closer to my heart, has been the word Convey; a word that I have lived in many ways, for many years: in physical construction, in paintings, in meetings and in conversations. I am sure of this because in seeing it I realised that here was something of my fundamental purpose here, a purpose that I chose; as if, let’s say in attending to some important detail of a creation, I found the word Convey inscribed, implicitly, as the word writ through it, as it were, and seeing then the presence of this word as the push behind and through my history and the actions of my life, all leading to this present moment writing here, it came up like a wave of urgency to the movements of my hand, feeling like the electricity of awareness of directly living Me.

 

Well back then in the 70’s it wasn’t something like: ‘I see this word, and I will stand by it…’ No, it was more like I was living it, becoming it. It’s only now I recognise what word this was. This leads in to my relationship with Writing and how I have defined and lived it; it’s like the word Convey formed the vital core of it, it formed the impetus of writing. The point being ‘to convey’ to convey the wonder of what I saw as life, while what I saw as being accepted and allowed and written off as ordinary moments existing in some deep or shallow grade of awfulness – so within Convey there was a drive to refute that drabness. It was who I was within and as Convey that I was deeply connected to myself with that extremely rare and scary moment for me of being face to face with my purpose in this world.

 

About five years ago, when I realised that my future life would involve some physical travel, it was obvious that the cost of this would be to lose my painting studio, and my decision was to therefore transfer that creative abstract work with paint into working with the words; and yet it was not clear to me exactly how to make that step. I saw no problem: there was no how about it, I just assumed that I could do it. Now looking at this point I realise that my confidence to just simply do this was coming from that oneness in myself that I had been living as Convey. The definition of Convey that I had lived since my early days was unconditional and unlimited; that I would use whatever came to hand to convey the inner livingness of me into the outer world as my whole purpose. And now I realise that the unlimited quality of Convey also carried with it unquestioned reactions to what I saw as being the drab consensus of the world, and to the rigid older generations, and within that now I see how I had defined Convey with elements of blame and therefore with superiority/inferiority and judgement. And within ‘judge not less ye be judged’ lays the spectre of being judged implicitly within my definition Convey, and so also as it resonates into Writing.

 

And so it was that somewhere deep in my assumptions as I folded up my life of painting, that I could just simply transfer Convey into the vehicle of Writing, I was not seeing at all how or in what way this word might become obstructive, would need some redefinition, that is me within as the expression/living of this word would require redefinition.

 

Living for the first time in this life in a Spanish speaking country I spend a lot of time with completely new and, to me, exotic words; I am in a process of making new connections both with Spanish words, and with English words. So at the same time as learning Spanish I am also in a way revising my familiar English. And in redefining words and in looking into how I’d lived out words, and what I had connected to them, I am suddenly looking at completely new dimensions, and new choices in how I might expand the words I know. For example I find in counter-point to Writing, the word Escribiendo, which for me raised a question that I have mentioned – of the formality that I had attached to Writing – and it brought suggestions to me of different new dimensions: more light hearted, scribbly and bendy, and also more free to wander and scurry about even. And I realised I would like to introduce all these things suggested by Escribiendo into my definition and living out of writing.

 

How and in what way would I like to change within and as the action of this word Writing is indicated here for me in Escribiendo: to first within myself locate that self abundance, and out of that to give to me that lightness that I find in Escribiendo, and not just lightness, but as well that freedom to wander and scurry about a bit.

 

continuing next post…

 

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Day 471: The Golden Thread, Lost, and Meaninglessness

Photo: A miniature dove often sits in the same spot in this tree in the garden of our new home in Chiriquia, Panama. 

Day 471: The Golden Thread, Lost, and Meaninglessness

I forgive myself, as my Being, as my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed to persist within me constant obstacles to my expression; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive tribute to the resistances that arise within Me; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive credence to the doubts in Me and of Me; that I have through all of this accepted and allowed myself to limit the Self Forgiveness that I am willing to give to Me.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become defined by the boundaries of my Self Forgiveness; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I may become if I let go of what I have within myself asserted and allowed myself to be defined to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also not respect the doubts that come up in me that are questioning the confidence that I have placed within and as the personalities that I live as Me.

 

… a continuation of Day 470, The Golden Thread

I suppose it happens sometimes that we decide to and commit ourselves to living certain words without a full awareness of what we’re doing; and even though it turns out later on that the word has shaped our lives, yet still we have not seen the word that is at the core of it – here is an instance of that, which I’ve opened up for me, through looking at who I am within that ‘golden thread’ experience, and here within these grounds may be discoveries for others too… of different words, of different purposes…

Since the previous writing I’ve been looking at those moments of my life in which I recognized a ‘golden-thread’ experience; that experience that seemed as if a vibrant thread of meaning had re-emerged from out of the fabric of my life, as in ‘here again I see that I am here with me, that no matter the extent of convolution, the seeming randomness, here again is a point of certainty, this evidence that right now – is undeniable – that I am not in fact lost, that my judgements of the path I’ve walked – as being meaningless – have been deceptive.’

In looking at The Golden Thread and opening it up, exploring what it meant to me, a question came up of – almost like looking around from that – what would be the nature of a world in which that golden thread existed, was suspended, was partly there and partly not, sometimes there and sometimes not – and if it were literally like a piece of thread or string then what would that string be suspended in, what sort of an environment would such a thing exist in? Answering this question to myself as me it was clear immediately that this ‘environment’ of me was one of uncertainty, of lostness, and of meaning-lessness.

Here for me was like a Vital point within the Golden Thread, the word Lost – and I realized that even through and in my victimized interpretations of the word, that once were feeding on the word Abandoned – was that vital point of standing on my own legs and moving me. So here I am again – in the context of The Golden Thread – looking into Lost, and seeing to what extent the word once held such attraction to me. I see now how much that attraction was coming from an awareness in me that I must redefine this word for me.

Way back, in this life at least, way way back, soon as I had walked away from school and family, and, literally, lol, taken to the hills – a living expression – it was a priority to me to seek a Lost experience – I was convinced that if I could stabilize myself in that Lost experience, I had a chance to find myself; that if I could shake off that world of knowledge that seemed so oppressive, then I had a chance of seeing direct/ for real/clearly.

At the time, I did not have the words – I did not realise that I was redefining words, I had no conscious understanding of how I lived out words – but looking back, this was like the gist of it. What I was doing in physical action – in taking to the hills – in getting Lost – was – how I see it now – was taking that experience that I was living out – defined as Lost – and then in my own way, making a study of it, attempting to create it, model it, reproduce it as an object or an image. This was how unknowingly I worked with this experience/word, taking it from something that defined me and oppressed me, to something that I owned. In this way Meaninglessness opened up for me and became for me instead of a limitation, an ever-opening resource; it was the opening for me of some years of explorations in the form of abstract paintings.

Something that I found as well, only recently – during the process of travelling – and moving home – looking more closely into the golden thread, and the experience of lostness, was how for me the word Significance had been for me misleading – it tends to lead me ‘out there’ in a way, looking for ‘signs’, when the impact for example of a ‘chance’ meeting, when you have that feeling for example ‘I was simply ‘meant’ to be here, in this strange café in this random country/ on this train/ meeting this particular being… in which it seems clear that there exists this wider reality in which our lives are taking place… a wider reality that gets exposed in the very act of travelling, having stepped out for a moment from our personal systems, routines… where ‘fathoming it out’ – all the whys and wherefores of it all – is kind of a distraction – and placing this word Significant to it – for me – obscures a simple point – because simply in the presence of that meeting I was as the experience of myself as standing in the center of my meaning; it was simply that this meeting was necessary on a level way beyond my understanding – that what took place within it – happened – there was no need to place the word Significant upon it, and so the following activities, the search for signs, when right there in the heart of that moment there was for me to experience myself as being alive, aligned within myself to Meaning, as in this is happening for me for both of us, this intensity, in the very core of this experience, no need to wander in conjecture of how this works and why.

 

 

 

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Day 454: Steadfast (5): Welcome to the Land of Plenty

Day 454: Steadfast (5): Welcome to the Land of Plenty

Sitting with two friends in a café in a local mall, the words, Welcome to the Land of Plenty, printed on a nearby placard, caught my eye; sometimes a word or a line stands out for me, as if being somewhere new within myself, or that I am ready now to receive these words, as simply what they are, and in that they have for me a fresh significance. And so in looking into that, I asked myself, what would Welcome represent for me as a living word, as an expression of Life’s abundance, an unconditional expression/definition of relationship of one being to another, and, would I want that to become a part of me as something that I lived?

And for me the answer to that was obviously Yes I would like to add that into me, and yes I have a place for that, and in fact the place I have for that has opened up in my redefining of the word Steadfast; without seeing clearly for myself the conditional nature of my response to the reality of me, what I had accepted and allowed in that, then this word Welcome may also have remained for me within the shadow of half-heartedness, and this moment in the café in the mall would not have been the same.

The way that words operate and function in the very fundamentals of our definitions of ourselves and so of our experience and of the nature of our lives is something that becomes clear in the Redefinition process; how it was for me in seeing the possibilities of Welcome as a word entwined into my relationship with me was a feeling of expansion in my body, was in the recognition of a gift, a sort of warmth, a quiet joy, and the possibility of letting go of that reluctance that I have in me in sharing who I am with me, and so with others.

A gift: not like bingo, here it is, but like there is something that is specific here that I can work towards developing in a part of me, that was kind of nebulous before. Nebulous: I mean like in relationships with other beings, there are relationships in which you can accept and become used to in some subtle kind of way a constant put down, such as in the example of family politics, where gradually you accept it and then come to allow it as the way things are, and that acceptance and allowance gradually shapes the way you are, you do not see it any more: so also with the relationship with self, reflecting something like that, in which you become used to the abuse of your own self judgements, and you become identified eventually with the perspective of a projected self that is better and superior to the reality of who you really are, and so in that relationship, your actual real self is not a welcome sight when it turns up, so to speak, on the doorstep of your mind, or on the threshold of your projected world reality, and who I am on the receiving end of that is kind of apologetic for being me. And so within and as both parts of this relationship, Welcome comes to have a kind of hollowness about it, it comes with reservations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in reluctance to accept the word Welcome as a living part of me. I commit myself to look into the nature of this reluctance: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the backchat that I’ve accepted and allowed within it. I forgive myself that in sharing who I am with me, that I have accepted and allowed myself to not extend a welcome that is genuine and real. I forgive myself that in sharing who I am with me that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to secret reservations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out a perspective of myself in which I take offence at who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Welcome to myself as conditional and limited. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing in my sharing of myself, a welcome to this self that I am sharing, a welcome to the world, a welcome to this home of me, and to everything within it.

So in redefining Steadfast, Welcome comes along as a supportive word: when I recognize this moment as it comes up in me, that replay of the programming that I’ve compiled, of who I am within and as personifying Severity and Aloofness, choosing to abandon who I am as Steadfast in my living Self Forgiveness, seeing and understanding what I am accepting of myself in this moment here, understanding the addiction that I have within and as this stance, instead I take responsibility, I commit myself to stop, and breathe and remember how I came to give myself the opportunity of seeing this word Welcome, how it formed a bridge and an opening of the reality within me, how by means of this word Welcome I can look into my relationship with me and see that there’s a different way to be.

 

 

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Day 453: Steadfast (4) The Embrace of Self Forgiveness

Day 453: Steadfast (4) The Embrace of Self Forgiveness

… So…continuing here with my personal exploration and Redefinition process of the word Steadfast: how I have defined it and how I have stood and stand within and in relation to this word.

What I’ve done so far has mostly been concerned with opening up and clearing, and so understanding, to some extent, my personal difficulties, problems, objections and obstructions to bringing this word into my life, and so through that, making way for me to whole-heartedly engage with Steadfast as part of me. And in that phrase, Whole-Hearted, I see here how the point comes up again of my denial of Steadfastness as me, like a fear of really owning it.

Keeping a grip on seeing this process through is for me the physical exercising of this word in real-time: that seeing of something through, as well as follow-through, they both are qualities of Steadfast that I am now kind practicing in my writing out of me. How I can apply this seeing something through, such as for example, me, through life, is what now I start to open up as well.

Having opened up so many realizations about myself in previous days, and about mistakes that I have made – and how I have then lived the consequence of those mistakes – now, in the course of writing this, I come to a place or part of me – that I have also often accepted and allowed – in which I tell myself that I’ve done enough – that I have released myself from this and that, so why not now just let it be, in this example, let Steadfastness kind of naturally develop… yes, right… hmm… something that I see in this is how I’ve made it all so big, so epic: the elements involved within the picture of the helmsman at the wheel, with who I am as the ship itself, and as the voyage, these components of Steadfast are now kind of looming over me… and though they are blown up large I also see they still have value.

So at this point – which is some days later on – I form a plan to ground myself: I take myself back into that moment in time when Steadfast first came up in me, ‘as a word that I could live’, and I realise now that this was my interpretation of the event; the word came up in me, and in a way I was reacting to it; thinking in my mind, I knew what this was for, and why it was there. I did not consider that a point in my awareness could have been just showing me the simple fact that in that moment, it was a word that I was not living.

…So not a where have you been all my life kind of moment in relation to this word, lol, where then it seemed to pop up from the blue, as I followed that interpretation, but more like: How come I let go of Steadfastness, the steadfastness that is part of me, and how come I made that choice within me of letting go that Steadfastness of me, that then led me into that quagmire in which I was reaching out for something – like a suggestion of a word to live – to help me.

So here, going back along the timeline from that reaching out for strength, I look in to the moment of that choice, that moment when I in fact abandoned Steadfastness as part of me. And I realise that this is not a one-of kind of moment; I recognise it as a place I tend to get to. Often there is a decision and an action in a moment that I know would immediately support me, no big energy involved, it is simply just do this or do that, quite straight-forward; while all the energy that follows has come from my resisting that, making a big deal out of that refusal, and the turmoil that I cause within me in my judgement of the way I am and for passively looking on while I let myself continue into something else instead that is obviously not best for me, or supportive of me.

So now I look at Steadfast more on a smaller scale: the follow-through, the seeing of it through, through the tasks involved, through the individual steps: here is where it is in the small moments, rather than in the epic voyage, that for me the living steadfastness can be more consistent.

Being steadfast in relation to myself would be in simple moments not reacting to my own reality, but rather, remaining steadfast in my unconditional forgiveness of myself, where yes I see the reality of who I am is going into judgement, or irritation with myself, for ‘being the way I am’, for doing this again, or that again, in which what I have accepted and allowed is that there is for me a point, a final straw, a moment in which the reality of me is that I am now in fact not unconditional – or steadfast – any more, I have chosen giving up on me, I am now holding who I am against me, and within that irritation what I see is that yes in fact within and as this stance, self forgiveness is actually useless, meaningless; from self forgiveness as a constant living action, attitude, support for me, what it has become is self forgiveness as an incantation in my mind. And yet not seeing this from within and as my righteousness, or seeing how insubstantial it is, I come to blaming self-forgiveness as being not enough, and then I am looking around for something else that I can do to bring me back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Steadfast, to fear facing that Steadfast exists within me, that I have accepted and allowed within this fear, a deeper fear that in facing this, that I might lose my justification in playing the victim role around the apparent and alleged absence of this word. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this fear to protect, excuse, and hold together a personality that I have lived around this point. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both abuse and use this word that represents a living part of me for the sake of the agenda of this victim personality. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘keeping a grip’ within and as energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a fear of letting go of the control that I impose upon myself through and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the steadfastness that is already part of me, in separation from me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to not see the steadfastness that already is an expression of me, and to then go into a not-knowingness about myself in which I tell myself I do not have it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as lacking steadfastness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have made the choice to not be steadfast with myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in that the steadfast that I live is not an absolute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in judgement, as superior to the reality of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when seeing me within the act of making choices that are not in support of me but are instead choices that support my returning to the ways of mind and consciousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact within myself that who I am as judgement is who I am within and as a personality of reaction to the reality of me, the me that makes mistakes, that does not learn so quickly, and that who I am within and as judgement is a projection of myself that is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of being steadfastly with me in support of me to become instead irritated with me, impatient with me, giving up on me, and within that I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized that through my own impatience and irritation with me I take away the space and time from me to see myself for real and for me then to understand the reality that I am seeing, and through that come to understand how I might change myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in judging me that I have not given myself the opportunity to understand myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the steadfastness that is part of my expression to not extend into my relationship with myself as steadfast in my standing with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my steadfastness in standing with me to be conditional.

 

Through all of these considerations, I open up another question: What has to happen or change in this relationship, for self forgiveness to become constantly the embrace in which both I see myself, as is, and also hold myself, and support myself, in which I come to trust myself to walk with me throughout this process of this journey of my life here on Earth, in a steadfastness in which I stand with me throughout the moments as they come?

 

 

 

 

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Day 446: The word that is my Name

Day 446: The word that is my Name

Talking of Dimensional beings in their processes of starting to define themselves personally in who they are, The Cloud, in The Power in Your Own Name, says this:

“….what they first and foremost did was familiarize themselves with [the question]: What is my Name? The name that, yes, you may have been given, but it’s like the same with anything else, you’ve been given a name, you’ve been given a life, you’ve been given a mind, you’ve been given a body, but everyone mostly thinks that that makes you a victim to it all, but it actually places you in the greatest position of power; when you have been given something, you have it, it is here, you have the power to do something about it. And you really do; it’s all about perspective, it’s all about how you look at things. And I mean if we take it back into on a very deep existential philosophical level, if you will, in the principle of Life, that we are all inter-connected and of Life: you have given yourself this, this name, this body, this mind, this life. So it’s like you kind of ask yourself, Why? But not a why in a victimized or disempowered state – what is the More to it, what is my role position and purpose in the context of life as a whole, as a collective?”

How can it be possible to reach out for and embrace the life which so obviously I already am, when at the same time there exists as who I am my absolute acceptance of a stance of victimhood to life itself and to pre-programming, a stance I have embodied in so many forms of blame towards the all and everything of me: my name, my upbringing, my history on Earth, my generation, my perspectives of the circumstance of being here, everything of who I am, couched in blame, with a sort of focus of this all, as standing as a flame of righteousness, as the ‘I’ experience, that itself denies the obvious truth of me, that I am here, that I am of this life, that my very substance here is no different to the life I blame.

Redefining the word that is my Name: a word that I’ve been living as: first comes the question: What is in this word that I have accepted and allowed to be there, and lived, as a reference to who I am? So as to open up, gain access to, the Name I Stand in, I must firstly face within it, as with all words, what it is I’ve lived. Before I redefine myself within and as this word, what must I first release?

What would the way be, into my own name, is there an opening here for me, or am I myself the opening, my name as folded round me in this life till now, arranged to be so that I cannot simply just walk straight in. As I write the words that convey that, I remember those feelings as a child – of being seen right through – and as I look at that, I see that what I was interpreting was coming from a starting-point of accepting and allowing and so trusting who and what I was to be defined through the eyes of others, and following from that how much I then accepted and allowed myself to be a victim to a quality of mutability that I came to see as part of me.

Why that would be so in my mind would be down to fate, where in asking such a question I accepted and allowed my own mythology of being fated to this life, of being in myself of the shape of water, taking on the outline of the vessels that were imposed, by what I saw as being the perceptions of other beings around me, and the feelings that I had about this apparent circumstance were of a kind of bitterness, that I did not want to go there, or to re-experience, by looking too far into it, and so from time to time, when this why came up, I would come across a shape that I had imposed upon myself, a sort of crouching figure in the darkness by this wall of bitterness, a closely guarded secret to myself. These were aspects of the feelings of being seen right through, and how this became imprinted on my name was in closing off the openings between and in the letter hieroglyphs, both to me, and to others also. I also gave myself the trick of absolute dissociation, in which my name was like a random label that happened to be stuck to me, in which ‘that is just my name’ seemed to serve as a diversion.

Looking on the word and letters as an architecture – coming from a perspective of the world as simplified, as something less alive, something slowed down to being beyond some imaginary line of liveliness – and so from that perspective – of those letters, of my name, as a hieroglyphic formula, as an architecture, where I look upon this aspect of myself in these simple terms, and so then see in terms of having access into doors and windows or having apertures and alcoves, as a static building, having an interior, having rooms and passageways, and walls.

And this is useful for me, assisting me to open up this relationship with my name. And yet also there exist within these hieroglyphic forms, perspectives not as architectures, but as living beings, in which the hieroglyphic arms and legs are animate expressions of myself, in which the footing of a serif for example or a letter shape corresponds into expressions of my body, of my footing in the world, as an expression of my stability in standing as my name, from which I move, my starting-point of action. Both of these perspectives are intertwined, and are intertwined with a multitude of others: our receptions of these hieroglyphs in sound have become so natural that what we tend to emphasize is our experience of them as who we are within and as our responses and our understanding, such as in the act of listening to a stream of words, or in what we refer to as an act of reading, not seeing in our everyday practicality the depth of history represented by the hieroglyphs, the depth of resonance within them, and so within myself.

Here are some Self Forgiveness statements in deliberate release of these entanglements. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my name was something that was imposed on me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from an early age abdicate my self responsibility in giving away to others the power to define me: I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed the experience of when hearing my own name being spoken by others to be hearing it as a reference purely to who I am not seeing how much it resonates other people’s opinions, reactions, and projections, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absorb and incorporate other people’s definitions of me in the way they sound my name. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in hearing other people’s definitions of me that I have not seen myself, to sometimes automatically believe that they are seeing something real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust what others tell me of myself without first checking for myself what I see inside of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others in trusting others saying to me that they can see through me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for myself within and as a stance of blame to not see it, and within not seeing it, to be in an experience of being stuck in it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself within this stuckness, bitterness and disempowerment, and self-pity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to re-experience these emotions; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then avoid my own self honesty of facing in this where I am in relation to myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and so the name I stand in within and as this energy experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me the belief that people can see through each other. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through these beliefs and these self-judgements to have made my own name into something that is obscure to me, as if existing only on the surfaces of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with my own name in which I blame those who gave it to me, and through that, that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame life itself for putting this name upon me.

I commit myself to let go of these emotional relationships that I have layer on layer incorporated into me. I commit myself to free myself from these definitions. I commit myself to purify this name and through this process purify the points of abdicated self-responsibility that I have accepted and allowed to continue to exist within it. I commit myself to free my name, and to free myself to stand one and equal to my name as a name I can be proud of. I commit myself to learn to stand on a platform as myself, as my name, in the name of me, one and equal to the name of Life.

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 430: Redefining the word Live (3)

Not being real with me, how can I say “I Live”?

The word sincerity came up for me to look at in the context of sometimes not knowing exactly what I mean in an expression and then not giving me time or space in the moment to look further into what I’d said, to interrupt and get it more precise, more specific, or then when the other person’s understanding of the words that I had used is out of line with what I meant, and so also, their response, I do not direct the situation, I do not give myself the time or space to communicate what it is, who I am essentially in this expression.

I have become complacent about being misinterpreted or misunderstood, and I find all kinds of reasons why that is ok and does not really matter, and I believe those reasons that come up, the reasons seem so reasonable and I can go to who I am as ‘reasonable’, ‘sincerely reasonable’, lol, finding even value in the other person’s misinterpretation, being supportive of their enthusiasm of what they see within their understanding, and even encouraging them in their perspective of dimensions that I hadn’t seen.

So it’s complacency within not standing in the moment for me, but instead just letting it slide and letting the moment go within which is a statement like it doesn’t matter, it’s not important what I meant exactly, I am not going to interrupt the flow to put this right, and backchat stemming out of my reaction, ‘people react so quickly’ to these misplaced words. In that reaction I see them grabbing onto something and running away with it, and I do not see the grounds of blame gathering within me.

And so within that I overlook my responsibility for my words in the blur of this complacency, and within that I have accepted and allowed a disempowerment. And so within that complacency, in who I am in letting that moment go, I am not sincere with expressing who I am, and not sincere with other beings whom I allow then to take the words I’ve said for real, to ride with a misinterpretation of the words I’ve used, so that then the conversation sort of wanders into arbitrary points, specially when I meet another being who does similar things to me. That insincerity toward myself and toward others is a lack of love, it is a point in me where I allow myself to not be real with me.

Not being real with me, how can I say “I Live”?

 

 

 

Here are some Self Forgiveness statements in connection to these points:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in who I am as an idea in my mind of Sincerity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this word as a cover for me to hide expressions of my lack of love for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express this lack of love as an impatience toward myself in my relationship to who I am in a given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my grounding in the moment of my expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not knowing clearly and precisely who I am as I express myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this expectation of myself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this expectation onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of seeing the reality of me in my expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to me with “I don’t matter”, and for not seeing within this how I am denial of the living me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto others my lack of love for me in perceiving impatience in their expectations of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this impatience that I perceive in others by trying to hurry it up and be quick in my responses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my perception of the expectations of others to be an influence and limitation on my expression of who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent about how I have become towards myself within and as this limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see realise and understand how I have defined Live and Living within and as this positioning in my mind where what I have accepted and allowed as Live and Living begins and ends in my self interest as relationships of fear and projection and self deception in which I have accepted and allowed a starting point of not being real with me.

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life