Day 427: Word-scape and Place

I went to sleep, and then woke up, and now is now. I checked out front, to look at it again: the gravel terrace now in darkness and steady rain, and across the gravel chips, an urn that I had moved, now standing upright. Earlier, while it was evening, I had made a small adjustment to a tilted plant urn, on the terrace edge, significantly to me, that teetered on a crest of rockery. Before the rain and dark set in, I had removed four bricks from behind the shed, and in a barrow, wheeled them to the terrace, and then with a trowel I scraped the gravel back and placed two bricks firmly on the ground, to form the first layer of a stable plinth, for the urn; a small adjustment. It would be distracting to photograph such things; like the before and after shots, because the simple words involved are more the point. For sure you can take a picture of the words involved, and yet they kind of seem submerged and lost in the pictorial (picto-real) experience.

In the previous post, the word Place had kind of come into my awareness, a candidate for redefinition, or at least, expansion, exploration, like a detail of the word-scape, as an article within and as itself, and as an element of a wider integration process going on. Bringing stability to Place, who I am as Place, and words as Places, Place-names, yes words as place names of the places words enclose, the names of their locations. Landscape, Word-scape, sound-scape, mind-scape: scapes of different orders, all as one. Taking physical action within all of these dimensions is stabilizing in itself, and yet I realise how as well I am working with the words, moving through a word-scape, while at the same time taking action in the physical.

Seeing how a thing does not really have a place, or how I might make a place for it to be, in consideration of the situation: these considerations and actions do not come from nowhere – I walked through redefining processes of other words, such as the word Abandoned. When the word Ship-wrecked came up in me as my de-scription in response to seeing a trough – this time – of plants, I recognized my programming and my personal relationship to making/giving of a place for me, in a way, to support me in my dis-location, and so reflections of me within this trough of plants, so I could then apply solutions for the situation in the physical by giving a place for the plant to be, while at the same time start exploring what may be in the word Place for me. In the cases of these plants what was reflected back to me was that in making or giving a place involved in relation to where they stood, bringing in stability and making a foundation.

When I was in my teens and playing with poetry, and formulas of words, and Haiku, I liked to add to letters, accents, little curlicues, or double dots here and there or graves, acutes: they were decorations in a way, but as well with serious intent, it seemed to me that ordinary words could then become exotic, I was attempting to dissolve the fixtures of the ordinary by using words, trying to loosen up the programming. The little accents seemed to me to open up the words to different dimensions, to allow their sounds to have different new harmonics, referring them to imaginary languages and exotic meaning. In ordinariness, a word can be like a train going on a track, and seeing it for a moment placed differently can feel like the train is suddenly swerving off the lines and going elsewhere, though it has not left the tracks, it has passed through a set of points that have been changed. In redefining words there are experiences similar to that swerve, finding different parts, dimensions to oneself, different possibilities of being, new awarenesses of the choices that we have of who we are within and as the words that we’ve been living.

 

 

 

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Day 423: Abandoned and redefining Stop

Day 423: Abandoned and redefining Stop

There is an outline sense in which I have walked this redefinition of Abandoned: that in living it, I now set off from a new place in me where I have also added to what living means to me: there is like an expansion of ‘with’ in being with me. It’s like walking this into living it is a constant process that applies to everything.

And mostly this begins with stop: and in relation to the word Stop, in a way within me there is a process of focusing on a kind of stop that has no energy, that this stop is in a way already an expression of that wholeness of me – rather than expression of an emergency command and ‘must’ and ‘have to’ shouted out in capitals – that had become a default setting – but simply stop as the essence of stop, stop and breathe and let that tension go, and then reset positioning – with this whole part of me – to what I’m doing here – within all of this there is a new kind of breath, my back straightens up, and with regard to a point deep within my neck, I can practice this letting-go of that expression of arrogance, and within that or at the source of that an experience of righteousness – and as well as that, let go of a world that did not exist, so it’s like this stop and breathe reset that I am practicing at the moment.

Within this I find these sort of anxious moments on the threshold of this shift, kind of residual backchat, that I have let go of this… lost something, something important, that I need to get back to, something forgotten.. all the old beguilements of Abandoned, this world of fear and anguish and exigency, where I have lived and had my being, where I realise now, from who I am within this context of Exigency using ‘STOP’ is useless. So it’s also like a call for patience in clearing who I am within evoking Stop.

Living Strength in Decision to be Born, owning that decision – regardless of where and how I came to it – in time and space – that it is made – and from here looking at a world that was in fact impossible – like how could I believe that an alternative could exist?

So walking my redefinition of Abandoned I begin to walk the question of: How to embrace and own Decision to be Born. Seeing this as both a starting point and a starting point of action. How to nurture, cultivate this as a fibre into my being, how to implement and practically bring that through the movement like as in being present at the source of for example the extension of my arm. Where right now in that physical muscle stretching relaxation reset experience sensation it is like I am practicing the opening of the doors to that experience of me.

 

Continuing next post…

 

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Day 422: Abandoned and Decision to be Born

Continuing here from the previous posts: walking a personal process of redefining Abandoned with reference to  Eqafe’s Atlanteans series Abandoned

 

From previous post… a memory… of a walk, ‘years ago’, setting off to stand beside tree, and to look around perspectives from its crag, to feel the way the wind comes up this valley….

It seems rather odd to look upon the information that was stored of how I embodied a personality, contained within a memory of many years ago, standing on the rock of a projected world.

And seeing an outline of that design: to be and have, and be-have, a universal excuse, ready to apply at any and all moments, a sort of ideal programmed freedom, to have leisure within these layers of belief where each excuse has been tried and tested, and has the support of back-up plans, and alternative narratives and sub-plots, definition-frames, immediately at hand, for an existence of diversion, as in transfer from one comfort zone to another, and all within a constant background context of Oblivion. Oblivion: Not Born Live I On. Where I stand on the essence of who I am within and as this personality design, I project it out as the context of Existence as a whole.

Long time ago: seems to make a distance-from, but actually the physical persists through time as one: as in my body – I mean although I see that personality ‘retreat’ and my gradual embodiment into it and as it – as something in the ‘past’ – I recognize it as it exists now as part of me as well, my present life in it, and the life in it of me; where I am in the habit of referring to this personality, and in that reference to it, shifting into it.

So in the realization that in moments this is who I am as how I have accepted me to be as this design of consciousness, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and act upon my projection of Oblivion, that I have accepted and allowed Oblivion to be as a source of comfort as I accommodate the design of Abandoned in moments of reaction to my direction of myself in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have lived a denial of my own decision to be born that is manifest and evident as my existence here, so therefore I commit myself in recognizing these points of shift that I have projected on the world, to in my redefinition of Abandoned to bring with me, into this habit, my reaffirmation of my decision to be Born, to bring this decision to be born into and as a starting point of Action, to change through walking this, this default setting in my life, to bring this into my expression of myself in taking Action.

So that in practicality, when I look upon the chaos factors of the world I have created and arranged, and allowed to accumulate, that I do not shift into a fascination of it where it’s like at the same time as while there may be something for real for me to look at in this projection, I not accept this construct as an overlay of what I am physically seeing, because I see and realise how walking into this I’m walking into an experience of every reason in the world to not take action.

 

 

With reference to Habits: very cool insights here in SOUL video Habits and Change

 

 

 

Continuing next post…

 

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Day 421: Abandoned and Regret

Continuing here from the previous posts: walking a personal process of redefining Abandoned with reference to Source: Eqafe’s Atlanteans series Abandoned, and also reference here to SOUL video: Regret: Remembering the Great.

Abandoned and Regret : and as Key-to-me-see-into-me

 

Working with a specific point of releasing of the physical dimension of the Shirk, what I find in it is like a default setting – it’s kind of normal for these muscles to be doing this – it’s a habit, part of a habitual reflex, though what I am finding is that being aware of it when it comes up, I recognize this point of spite in holding off and holding out on parts of me, and in letting it go I experience in my self again Self Inclusion and expansion in my breath. And something I observed within this also was how my right side was participating by leaning into this, specially with my elbow hard upon the surface of the table, making in a way with my upper body, an architecture round this point of holding. And so in completely repositioning and rebalancing my upper body I am supporting my release of that design. So now this specific tension when it comes up has become, rather than an unconscious trigger, more of a welcome reminder in a way, an opportunity to practice this again: to release, expand, and to re-include.

Seeing that I have accepted and allowed the word Abandoned to be as a burden in my life, that I have accepted and allowed a perspective of too lateness, and so I am seeing also how the word Regret has become like a dimension of it. Here, listening to Sunette sharing her creation process of redefinition of Regret has assisted and supported me a lot. In this video also are many valuable points of assistance and support in the definition and redefinition process of words, in general, and in self support in exploring words that may be not so easy to approach, or words that may create an emotional burden.

With releasing some of this, I am laughing quietly, lightly, in myself, with myself: not as a target of derision, but inclusively, with the assembly, gathering, of the whole of me, within the hug of me, who I am within the hug of me, that I can have and be whole within that hug of me, in extension of myself in self forgiveness, as if I had for a moment got lost within a maze of mirrors, but there was only one mirror, and all I needed to do was just move myself, to break away from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a point of self derision and for making the mistake of seeing this at the time, as a solution, as something real, though harsh, to be going on with in my life, as a starting point, as a point of definition. Within this I forgive myself that I accepted harshness as the nature of reality, rather than seeing and realizing that this harshness or hardness was exactly who I was towards my self. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to assert my own emotional reality onto the physical world and then to believe in it, and then to go on from there, as if it were self evident.

Laughing: such as in that release of moving from the pain of self derision and taking it personally, to sharing in the joke of what I had to go and put myself through, and the story of how I clung to unforgiveness of myself, as a stand. Redefining who I am in and as and in relation to the word Abandoned, means also to me, bringing change into a standing objection that became a part of me that I had accepted and allowed as part of the circumstance of being me. So there is lightness in that unburdening.

So what instead of that Regret could be the Great in all of this? Right now there is obviously to me something great in this process of Inclusion of part of me I had abandoned. In a way, this point within the word Abandoned gives the process that I have walked in life some definition, it becomes a key of what I walked through, something that can assist me and support me as I further open up and understand the nature of what I’m actually living as this life, and so support me as I move myself from here in how to change it. So within that, also I can allow the physical word Abandoned to be as is, without the emotional scenario construct that I accepted and allowed to be the core of it, I choose to keep it to memorialize something of great value learned. It has a place in the history of me.

Something great within this: It’s like all along I was showing myself this construct writ large, writ massively and panoramically across the sky; I had brought myself to a place in physical reality that reflected the vocabulary of the construct I was living out; such as in some moments here from an old memory of what I defined as an ‘event’, while I literally was walking my Abandoned construct into my personal reality.

It was in an experience context of ‘taking to the hills’, discovering a point of self intimacy, and yet keeping it as ‘I will remember this’, like tagging a reminder of an inspiration, without looking into further who am I towards this that I am being shown: so, trudging without specific Purpose across the Trough of Bolan, I see a far off tree, and I start walking towards it, I accept this interest direction to investigate the experience of this tree, as if standing for itself as Life, on the barren slopes of moor, and so I head in that direction, eventually I get to stand beside a little Rowan tree, and to look around perspectives from its crag, to feel the way the wind comes up this valley, and shakes the branches, and furrows through the lichen scales, and I examine more closely in, a lower branch where I focus on a leaf that has a fly on it, a fly busily doing something on the leaf, kind of riding the leaf as the leaf sways up and down in slow motion almost, anchored by its stalk, and I felt within a kind of quietness and intimacy in being with in company of fly and leaf and tree in the harshness of these hills, even from within and as this construct, what was the Great within that moment of small and great was that I was aware that I was showing to myself something of great importance and value to me, and great also that I realized that I did not fully understand in that moment what I was seeing here, Great that I deliberately memorized this moment. Great that there exists awareness in me that I am also in my life, walking in a process of understanding what I’ve done, how I come to be here. It’s Great that even in the event of a cutting off of a part of self there still exists an awareness of a value that seems hidden, it’s great that there exists awareness in me that sees through my unforgiveness stand that I have made towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of distance, lost and longing towards a part of me that I have separated from me, as within and as my Abandoned construct word formation, using Abandoned as a key, I see myself in this memory example, walking into my reality my construct preferences: Such as in trudging the wasteland between the cliffs and the sea, following the tide line, possibly finding a thing of value, something washed up, something to be salvaged from the waves… or in my painting process, standing for and as awareness of something lost, something of great value over-trodden by the system of the world, something that I knew of deeply, and yet at the same time could not see.

 

Continuing next post…

 

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Day 420: Redefining Abandoned: Taking Sides

Continuing here from the previous posts: walking a personal process of redefining Abandon with reference to Source: Eqafe’s Atlanteans series Abandoned, and also now, the Fighting Ourselves and Others interviews.

Day 420: Redefining Abandoned: Taking Sides: And change from Self Exclusion to Self Inclusion.

In walking the word Abandoned and opening it up, the more I see more clearly how Vital it is for me to do this: As I walk the Redefinition writing process exploration, the word Vitality just comes up, in looking how I see Vitality as something real for me to access through the word Abandoned: as in getting down to the point within this word, the matter, who am I as the Matter of this word, as I have fashioned it, at the source of the experience of me that I created and so refined and elaborated in living out from there – and so accordingly become and be surrounded by the manifested consequences of that.

There is for me in this word a Spring of what matters to me Essentially as I begin to take responsibility for the word Abandoned, where in Abandoned I see how I have within myself abandoned a part of me.

At this stage of the Redefinition process, there is something that I’ve changed, within and in relation to Abandoned: my perception and experience of my physical surroundings is different, because rather than seeing unconsciously and reacting to the motifs of the word Abandoned within the details of my world, what I see instead is the construct itself, and it’s projection, and it’s back-door nature, so it’s like a point of the ‘game is up’.

So I am seeing to some extent, and understanding to some extent, the function of the anchor points of the construct of the word Abandoned, like as in a spider-web like structure, into for example the word Lost which would echo back to me from through some aspect of my physical reality that caught my eye, or the words of Wreck or Waste and Wasteland, Neglect, or Chaos, those Abandoned words, where in taking company with by accepting such motifs, I created a world for me with an always available back door exit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shift with seeing these words as written in the world around me, into a personality of Abandon that also stands against self-nurture, self-care, self assistance and self support, as like a central tenet of it’s reason to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed such a thing to exist within me, and me in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in seeing these words within the very chaos that I accepted and allowed, to connect, sign-in myself at any time to a core reminder of accepted and allowed immovability, to positive experience as me in and as that, and within that adamant position be fiercely protective of exposing to myself to a fear of seeing myself for real within it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in fear and through that to hold myself against me – to take a side against me – and so not look into the darkness of the fear itself. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and listen to and understand the child within myself that was totally dependent in multiple ways suddenly thrust into a world of independence, into a supposed reality, where looking into himself that child could not forgive himself for feeling lost, for not knowing who to go to, where to go, for not being ready, for not being equal to an idea in his mind of independence.

In bringing that child to me here, I embrace myself in that, I expose this child to real comfort, in understanding, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be harsh and spiteful on me, judge myself for lacking independence, for not knowing what to do. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take ‘the right’ side against me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect Strength to Independence in my mind, for not seeing how this independence that I imagine in my mind is not real, has no place in reality . I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define this lack of independence as weakness in me, and within that, to define myself as weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge in righteousness that weakness, within that I forgive myself that from the playground lessons observations learned, that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive weakness as a target of spite, both in seeing this word within me and in my outside world.

From Self Exclusion to Self Inclusion.

Continuing here with exploring the Shirk, as a physical manifestation of jealousy in mind relationship to awareness, and in taking sides.

How the shirk reaction to awareness in me is reflected in the physical body: that Exclusive gesture: Only a slight movement, but exaggerate and unfolded out to full extent, a shirking forward, slightly raised up shoulder, a lifted elbow, the left side muscle groups contract, a hardened back, the ear, all involved as a contraction that can go from passive spite of closing in across the chest and closing out, to slightly bristling, poised, ready to fend off, or threatening to elbow back, and not to hear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress the body so as to amplify and validate, and make real this self manipulation, that Look out, I am being bothered here, this awareness is a nuisance, that if I listen then who I am as this construct that I’m living in this moment, will be in jeopardy, and might collapse: So stress out quick and tunnel-vision up a bit!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create Exclusion as a strategy to cope with fear of what might happen if I were to listen to what I know is best for me, if I were to acknowledge that what is best for me is best for me in real fact, if I were to acknowledge in a way in this moment that reality is real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interrupt and to invade and stress my physical body in the spite of acting out that I need protection, and to be communicating with my body a posture of defense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a part of me to be blocking off a part of me, to be in spite of part of me.

In the physical conditioning of the Shirk, here are physical actions that I can change: in a way a manifested ‘taking sides’, I can use this rising shoulder to support me in being as a flag for me: that when that shoulder starts to rise, I recognize this spite, I recognize this pattern, and I stop, I breath in my acknowledgement that here I am as an expression of spite, towards a part of me, and I transform the Exclusive gesture of closing out to a gesture of gathering, Inclusion.

I relax my elbow and shoulder and instead Extend my arm behind and bring it round to the front, bring it next to me, and with me. Going through this a few times I became much more aware of the raising of the left shoulder at the out set of the shirk, and then I found how often it is there, at readiness, but the more I focused on just being still and Soothing, and letting those tendons go, the more I learned to isolate the specific muscles that were the triggers of the muscle group contraction of the shirk. This helped me deconstruct the movement as a whole, not relaxing as in putting the entire muscle mass of the shirk down as a whole, intact, but specifizing it, or articulating it, in a physical way, demonstrating to me the common sense that this whole quadrant of my body getting all involved, that it is not necessary to be doing this.

…continuing next post…

 

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Day 418: Abandoned: Physical Deconstruction and Dismantling

Day 418: Abandoned: Physical Deconstruction and Dismantling

Sharing my walk and journey through the matrix of this consciousness, and into physical awareness: continuing here with a process of Redefining the word  Abandoned as opened up by the Atlanteans.

Walking through this Redefinition process, a story unfolds: showing me how it is impossible to move on from living as an emotional design until it has been at least partially seen and understood and deconstructed: I could not have done this on my own – and I will always be grateful for the support of Desteni in doing this.

It’s very funny, and sometimes it makes me laugh how ridiculous I am being when I see how I am referring to this ‘I’ through a frame of consciousness, making strings of words – not redefined – but speaking of relationship to things such as the reality of Life Awareness Beingness Everywhere – as if that I was separate to that – in a mind-set of words that could only really dispose me into that separate perspective; so then it’s like in this redefining process the word Abandon, I’m sometimes kind of turning round inside myself and remembering of course – that being – that is me – is part of me, is part also of all these subtle levels of physical reality of which I talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon my world and not see it, but instead to find comfort in personal and intimate visions validating who I am within and as Abandon.

Suspicions as to the true nature of my unconscious – come manifest – around me in my physical room – seeing it sort of lodged into the folds of a physical terrace of a physical city, kind of at a tangent. This I see now has given rise to a feeling of impossibility in relation to physical plans: looking through the window ‘out there’ through my mind, looking at the physical world of traffic, of busyness, and seasons ‘going by’, and this impossibility was something that I could not let myself precisely see, it was like an underlying fact, embedded in the very sound of engines coming by and going by, a lullaby of longing and resignation in the very fabric of my world. The very going past and into past of things were like fuel to feed and validate my construct of Abandon; and Time Lost, everywhere I looked there would be like comfort zone reminders of the chaos of Abandon, evidence of wreckage, dissolution, corrosion, breakdown, happenstance, and desolation, seeing those details like reminders of some intimate truth of me reflected back at me. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold this truth of me as a belief within my mind, not seeing how this was the truth of my expression through and as the word Abandon that I had become possessed by.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my respect for me to be conditional on my being Adamant to cling to this possession, no matter what. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being Adamant was a noble quality without regard or consideration of what that may be actually attached to, I forgive myself that I derived a positive experience in myself in my acceptance and allowance of this judgement. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in Intuition, rather than seeing for real the programming within me that I accepted and allowed to make me feel that what I was doing was so right. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of letting go of this image in my mind of Adamant, fearing that in letting go I might then be swept into that experience of loss, of being lost, of being lost at sea without a definition of myself. I forgive myself that I did not allow myself to see and realise that anyway I am Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and to live out my perceptions and interpretations of the world through the filters that I have accepted and allowed myself to have installed into the word Abandon. I commit myself to let go of that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in fear in an image in my mind of the fall of splendor, onto the knees, fallen ego having doubled down and doubled down and doubled down, investing and investing into an emotional design, abd finally looked into the impossibility that I had defined into who I am within and as Abandon, having seen the opportunity of simply standing up and walking in reality, half a life ago, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to choose and live instead an emotional reality within and as Abandon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed great anger at myself that I could have made such a primary mistake that has consequently shaped my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in making this mistake. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling Desolate within myself in facing these realities of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the backchat invitations, talking of a Wasted Life.

With the paintings themselves as emotional designs: seeing and understanding the outplay of a possession with Abandon, I see also how I have surrounded myself with projected forms of this emotional design, and how I have been attempting to manifest this design into physical reality, how I have been attempting to assert my emotional reality onto the world, and how I have ended up stuck and unable to physically move – with a sense of impossibility – in a room that is literally wall-to-wall with reflections of this emotional design, not finding a solution as to how to move myself.

Carrying forward my processing and deconstruction of the word Abandon into physical action, involves the letting-go also of my bonds with and constriction with the physical creations that were the play-out of that possession, namely, a mass of paintings.

Decision: Ok it’s time to deconstruct this theatre that surrounds me. Action: Take canvas, turn it down to face the ground, then one by one remove the staples… This took quite a while, but being aware of what it was behind this thing that I was dismantling now with knife and pliers, I took it slowly and carefully. Within this I was experiencing for myself this for real, actually being physically on my knees, kind of yes, I’m on my knees in fact doing this, I breathe, there is another way. This time I will not allow myself to go into destruction mode because I realise that this would be a backdoor for the Abandon programming to – reintegrate – and I’ve been there before – that smash everything reaction, that reasserts a smashed up world. So I go carefully and with patience, removing each and every staple. Then: remove the wooden stretcher, dismantle, bundle, zip-tie, label. Then repeat the process with each one until all canvas is face down. Then roll all canvasses as one and wrap it up in duct tape. And then, phew, big outbreath. Now I am in a different place with this, I have moved myself.

continuing next post…

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

continuing next post…

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 417: The word Abandoned as Reality Check

Reference: Eqafe  The Atlanteans:  Abandoned.

Day 417: The word Abandoned as Reality Check

Continuing from the previous post: And here, reactions to my perceptions of a ‘Starkness’ of reality in reacting to my Form, the Structure, the Action Plan, the Entrance into physical reality, in which I have accepted and allowed myself as less than and superior to my own Action Plan, both less than and superior to Organisation, and less than my own retaliation to a Structure that I know is best for me.

It’s not that simply this approach to me in redefining who I am – is wrong – seeing that it did not work immediately – and so – therefore – Abandon that, and go find something else. It’s not like I can just slip a line of code into my mind that instantly changes everything: there is that – ‘bring a horse to water’ point – where through this process I have brought myself to the water – and yet these words with which I have defined the water: Organisation, and Action Plan, and all the words I’ve printed out for me, are all as processes of redefinition in themselves, where in each of them I have not as yet connected me to Earth. That’s what would make this Form a collection of words that are as yet inapplicable, and seem so stark and lifeless.

The word Abandoned as – Reality Check – Listening to Phillip K. Dick – in The Future of Awareness series: Where do I Start? – Listening to an individual being yes but focused through his words the combined expression of …the Collective of Dimensional Being… I imagined in my mind standing before all the beings in the universe, and all the awarenesses of everything and everywhere; and I imagined them to be as one totally pissed off with this positioning of ‘me’, that I am clinging to; angry to that point of > Enough, we cannot carry you any more, like this, it is not best for you. Not seeing immediately that the substance of that anger was actually my own, I experienced it instead as if it were projected at me, and within that I was being shown > Look to yourself. A deeper shame within me, a shame that always I would avoid, at any cost, or else defend myself against by lashing out, and be distracted in my show of righteous anger, and the shame was in me acknowledging in myself that: deep within me I do know, I am in fact aware of it, that all my protests are as nothing, a grandiose deception, and yet I am continuing to allow it so; and in allowing it, the shame remains. If there were an existential conscience then that Shame would be like a reflection of it. As a statue of myself I am for a moment looking down and seeing the nature of the plinth on which I stand, and extending from that plinth, the wasteland that I’m protecting and defending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to retaliate towards the word Organisation, and within that to retaliate to common sense, to stand as a point of arrogance, as if superior and inferior to this word in which I am in denial of the organism and physical organization that I depend upon in the organism and physical organization of this physical body, of this Earth, of Nature, of the physical organisation and organism of Life.

I commit myself to slow myself down and learn to listen to and to hear and to and respond to what I know within me is my own voice within me that is showing me what is best for me, to organize myself in alignment with the organization that I utterly depend upon that gifts me with this breath of life. I commit myself to bring self to organisation, to learn to respect myself within and as Self Organisation, and to let go of my retaliation towards myself through which I see and realise and understand this point of sabotage in my journey into Life.

 

 

continuing next post…

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Day 416: Solutions of Abandon

Day 416: Solutions of Abandon

Reference: Eqafe  The Atlanteans:  Abandoned.

 

Redefining Process beginnings: towards solutions of Abandon

Walking a process through Self Forgiveness of what I have accepted and allowed of who I am within this word Abandon, I have thus enabled me to see how in my life I have accepted and allowed – with this word directing me – for it to be causing chaos. Not just where I went ‘overboard’ with an obsession, but also for example in my present world where gradually all the moments in which I put something down, in a hurry, accumulates into many moments, and so a chaos, a chaos in which things get ‘lost’, and when I look into this world around me – I mean extending out across this table and this immediate room in which I write this, I see also how I am expressed in it – in the placements of the objects – through the actions taken in moments of abandon, moments abandoned – in some kind of a rush – in which I have become very mean with giving me the Time, giving me the time for the purpose of organising things around me. And so I see now how in accepting and allowing Abandoned as a comfort zone, that ‘rush’ was more an expression of my position of superiority to Organisation, and that casting of little things aside – was like a consequence of this.

Something else that I realised was how for me, even though I had defined it in a negative way, the ‘putting of the feet down on the ground’ – I saw that this was already present – in my definition of the word Abandon, that the word Abandon had always held the opportunity for that; emerging from the process of the release of hurt and blame, I realised that it could become instead a point of deliberate action, coming from > I am Here: I put my feet onto the ground, this is what I’m going to do.

In a state of chaos, and going ‘overboard’ , then an Action Plan is not just a ‘good idea’, but sometimes it is the one and only thing that can be relied on, like – realizing that the consciousness in it’s present state of turmoil – is practically useless – then an Action Plan can be like a life-line – just as with the process of writing-out – whereas, in the Action Plan, the words relate to listing of specific tasks and things that need to get done.

The making of an action plan as the beginning of a physical process: To support myself in looking into this I made a ‘Form’, an ‘Action Plan’, designed for Organising What to Do, I printed it out, I looked at it from different angles, I handled it, I made it tangible, I made photographs of it, I brought theatrical dimensions into it, I brought myself to a place in which I could simply look at Action Plan as something in itself.

Exploring this, the words that have come up for me are: Action-plan, Action, Plan, Organisation, Steps, List – structural words that flow from out of > This is what I’m going to do. Of course, having in my mind ‘what to do’, and hearing the advice of others, ‘what to do’, and even having an action-plan of ‘what to do’, and even writing it, all of that is far away from actually doing it, doing those actions.

More on this next time…

 

 

 

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Day 415: Abandon Definitions 3

Reference: The Atlanteans: Walking through the word Abandon.

 

Self Forgiveness on definitions I have existed as and lived within the word Abandon.

AbandonShip: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and lived a narrative in my mind that was never real, a story to myself in a way to create an experience of dignity in victimhood. I remember at a time a righteous statement coming out , ‘Who me? I would never live a sob story…’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play this part unconsciously, I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to look at this.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing my mind to be chastising me with accusatory backchat of shadow personalities of family programming, suggesting all the bad I’m doing by ‘leaving’ family, as I prepare to spend some time ‘away’, and though I’ve checked it out, with real people, and know it is not real, still these backchats capture my attention: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being the abandoning one, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this through the eyes of Abandon in which I am reminded of a pain, that I then project it onto others as something that I might be causing them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reacting to these backchats in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give them substance: I see now how I am showing me that in these moments of reaction, that I am still reverting to this starting point of a moment of pain with being within and as Abandon, and being in judgement of ‘abandoners’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this story at the core of all these backchats, this story of hurt: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a moment of shock in putting my feet down on the ground to be interpreted as and then remembered as a pain. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed with this programming, that others make me feel the way I do, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed from this basis, for blaming to be valid. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the word Abandon along with these components. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that fear to be affecting and interfering with my decisions and behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within Abandon Ship to have accepted and allowed that the ship is about to meet disaster, and that therefore everyone must go overboard. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that picture to have deserted my connection with the ship of me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in that for me to have abandoned me, to have abandoned structure and purpose, to have accepted and allowed myself to be adrift upon an emotional sea.

 

 

continuing next post…

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Day 414: Abandon Definitions 2

Day 414: Abandon Definitions 2

Reference: The Atlanteans: Walking through the word Abandon.

Self Forgiveness on definitions of me within and as my personalization of the word Abandon

In forgiveness of my mother, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blacked out her reality from me with layers of incrimination and insinuation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold an image of my mother in my mind from a starting point of judgement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present an image of my mother to the world in the context of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this image of my mother in my mind as a way to not see my responsibility for me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish guilt onto her, that she may carry the burden of her abandonment of me.

I forgive myself that through this means that I manifested a reality in which I was unable to see her any more. Therefore in consideration of my mother as a human being I support myself in releasing me from this Abandoned construct, through giving back to me gratitude and appreciation of her, and perspective of her strength in her commitment.

I forgive myself that I justified a life as a lie for me in my own interest, by casting her in the part of the one who did bad to me, by making up a narrative of myself within and as this definition of myself in which I lived my part in service of the word Abandon.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how my forgiveness of myself within the point of who I saw her as within my mind would then enable me to through that forgiveness, release myself by then releasing her in my forgiveness, and so release the memories that I had not accepted or allowed myself to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the word Abandon, and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the reality that those memories might expose, memories that would attest to her commitment, to her strengths, to her many qualities, as evidence that would undermine my position as Abandoned, my rightness in my judgement starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thus locked me up into my narrative of who I am within the word Abandon.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the abandoning one, living out abandonment as a relationship with myself.

 

continuing next post…

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life