Day 476: Points of Living Self-Authority, Approval and Survival

Redefining the word Writing   (Part 5)

Points of Living Self-Authority, Approval and Survival

Redefining Words is a newly opened, clarified and implemented path of self support and self change through introspection, understanding and self forgiveness; and yet our choice with how we live the words within us is not new, it always has been here. Our abuse of words has consequently shaped our world; together we have furthered all our individual points of alienation, layer on layer we have created an absurdity. Here in redefining writing I share how I have supported me to expose for me the absurdity that I myself have lived of accepting and allowing my creation of Authority to become a constant interference of who I am at one with purpose.

While redefining Writing, many questions have come up, and around this point of asking questions, here’s another: Having asked a question in ourselves do we even know what forces we have set in motion? All of us are dowsers in a way – or is it Tao-sers? – While having questions turning over in our depths, and at the same time living out our everyday existence, we have an eye out for an answer, from the back-burners, an eye out for an understanding, for a clue, for further information, whether that be from a film we chose to watch, a snippet from a song we chose to hear, or something someone says, anything at all from out of the blue in our experience, where suddenly we recognize a significance, a moment in which that question that was asked finds some kind of a completion, or meets with a connection, and then when that happens, we choose to either look at it or not. That was how it was for me in a book that I was reading, when the word Presently came up, and I chose to look at it.

And so with Presently, the word: I ask myself what may come along, what possibilities may open up, be provided for by the dimensions of this word? With me, I ask myself because as I read the opening of a story, ‘Presently’ arrived, or had been placed in such a way that it stood out clearly in my mind as a point within itself, stood out from the run of words, as it were, with all its lights still on; and so asking this I paused the reading process to make an exploration, to trust the notion that my meeting with this word had been, if not my destination, had been necessary, supportive, had even been a possible entrance for me to find my way in redefining Authority – about which I had apprehension, had been dragging my feet. A question like, How might ‘Presently’ come into, be relevant, be a part of this question I’ve been living, as I follow through in redefining Writing?

What would be that ‘entrance’? Here for me that entrance represents the question of, How can I open up the word Authority, this point that is here, within redefining Writing; where in the process of the previous post I have come to see how much I have accepted and allowed this word Authority, with my commitment to the contents of its definition, to interfere so much with me with who I am as one with purpose, so that as I start to write, I lose my footing; there is a hitch, a knot, a lifting up, a suspension.

So here I realign myself with Purpose in this Redefinition of Writing, reaffirming for myself that I am not avoiding my meeting with the word Authority, but choose first to open up the word Presently – as if it were an Entrance.

So, to share here how ‘Presently’ came up: within the book, as I read the ‘passage’, it was, “…following a trail across the hills… Presently…the two men stood face to face…” Here is how in my reception of this sentence, ‘Presently’ resonated in me: – Presently: as quietly the moment changes. Presently: it was a day in Life. Presently: without restraint, without a past. Presently: in the way things happen, easily. Presently: within and as the manner of the presences of beings… so that in the opening of a story, the word Presently arrives, the nature of that which is both here, and is to come, the nature of a day in Life that simply is… I kind of throw together here a list of resonances, of how this word Presently came up in me as I was reading, and then seeing how through the nature of this word, the outcome of the meeting of the men as they eventually came face to face, was limitless.

Now considering how I had, in my redefinition of writing, kind of made an appointment with the word Authority, and had been feeling apprehensive about the meeting, and how it might or may be, “face to face”, I see now how Presently came as a solution for me, a way in which living presently with myself, I might approach this meeting. Something else as well: that even briefly though it was, within and as a walk through – of the resonances of Presently – I showed myself what living Presently could mean – with a sense of knowing every corner of it – as if it were my body – and that physical experience of knowing what is me – it’s like here I feel I’ve touched on what could be an outline of a redefined Authority, an Authority that exists within the living of a word. And so with this insight, a lightness came across the word Authority.

In approaching a point, in the way of how it’s done, here I show myself – with the support of Presently – a more sure-footed way in which one stays within one’s life in and as the living Presently – and kind of extending from it – so that now considering that Apprehension that I had – as an experience of instability, as fear of what might or may likely happen – that I had associated with really taking a look at and into the word Authority – I now question this connection. The word Authority, the word, the noun, is in itself quite abstract, neutral: and what I see is that the word itself is not the source of the apprehension that I felt around it. And I start to question now, rather than what is this word Authority – that I have been apprehensive meeting with – but instead to ask myself, How did I create Authority?

With this new question then I looked into my past, and I started to consider this; me in relation to the point of seeking approval, such as in my early days at school, a world in which my survival seemed dependent on it: here is where I actually created ‘authority’: in the opinions of others, in the consensus of peers, and then later with the representatives of ‘the authorities’ – where towards this ‘authority’ that I had created, I separated from it, I bonded it to my experience of apprehension, and did not question it. I was content in some way with systemizing my avoidance of it.

To take a look now at the image that I created of the word Authority – as I considered redefining it – seeing the word as a massive ugly concrete building – and me approaching it, fearing to walk up the steps and go into it – going to myself, Oh My God, now I have to redefine this place – sort of shove my body through the doors, and navigate the corridors and stairs and waiting rooms, imagining my incremental steps into my own diminishment. But in actually opening the doors of my apprehension rather than the doors of this massive Block, I see now how much the Block itself is like my systemization – sort of the Ministry of Adam Self Deception, which existed for the purpose of not seeing that I created this Authority, that I created it from a belief that also I had made, a belief in my survival being dependent on approval.

Within and as the Presently I live:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have committed myself to living out a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival was dependent on the approval of those around me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival was dependent on a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival depended on a point of what I said, of what my expression was in a moment, on a point of my behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the definitions put on me by others in order to serve the belief that my survival was dependent on approval.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a version of Authority that could only be outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and apprehension over what might happen if I were to express myself regardless of the Authority that I perceived outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having many years ago, thrown away the key to who I am, that it could never be retrieved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become resigned within and towards my experience of fear and apprehension that I connected to Authority.

In serving my belief that my survival was dependent on approval. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consolidate my commitment to this definition of Authority. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strengthen my belief that my survival is dependent on a point.

Within and as the Presently I live: I withdraw my commitment to Authority as a thing only in the world outside of me, and I recommit myself to my own authority within, within and as the words I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be nothing without being defined by others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the nothingness of my being with death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the beings around me as being ‘something’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and approved of my refusal to see that who I am as nothingness is my choice to live through words, that my responsibility within this choice is freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that in my judgement of myself I have asserted on to me as ‘who I am’, or ‘what I am’; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw away my awareness of the choice I have of living words.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an oversight of judgement to become an authority in my life, an authority that defines me with asserted words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by these asserted words, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then interpret who I am through these words as labels that I have accepted and allowed to be put on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live ‘Authority’ as a defining force in which I have approved that I be victim to it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to this defining force its own devices so that I never have to see the reality of the nothingness being, so that I never have to see my choice to be aware, to live Awareness, and live the words I choose to live.

Therefore, Presently, as I come along the path and meet Authority face to face, I commit myself to live Awareness.

…continuing next post…

 

 

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Day 475: From Me-To-Write-a-Book to Reunifying Self and Purpose

Day 475: From Me-To-Write-a-Book to Reunifying Self and Purpose

Redefining the word Writing   (Part 4)

From the lock-in of Me-To-Write-a-Book to Reunifying Self and Purpose

In redefining Writing what is opening up for me now… in looking at that point of stuckness… is seeing that stuckness as a form of bondage… because something that I find now is the literal bonds between the words Me-To-Write-a-Book, and me defined within them and by them, so that as I approach the writing what I am experiencing is myself in a state of bondage. So continuing from the previous writing, in which the feelings of ‘Trespass’ and ‘Breech of Contract’ came up in connection to stuckness and bondage, I am looking now at the bonds between these words as they exist within me, within the words: Me-To-Write-a-Book.

And it is now becoming clear that I must separate this amalgamation into its constituents: of Write, and Book, so that in doing so I can make ‘Write yourself to Freedom’ a reality. In this process I must look into the nature of that ‘Breech of Contract’, that straining of the bonds I experienced as a sense of insecurity within and around the word Write as I prepared myself to live the word in action. Perhaps as groups of words become locked together and their single function becomes a habitual self-manipulation, then gradually the words become refined in a way into a feeling, into a subtle waft of energy. It was looking into that ‘waft of energy’ that led me into this.

So in this part I go into the story of how for me the word Write was close to heart, and how I felt I needed to protect it. What was the meaning of the words I held so close within me: Me-To-Write-A-Book? I feel my way towards this early definition – because I want to look more closely at it – at what I placed within these words – what was the context in those days of how I lived out Write, who I was within the word, that still effects me and therefore still is present? How originally did I lay this out, what did it mean to me as a child, intimately within these words, Me-To-Write-A-Book, within my heart, and for my heart, and from my heart?

How can I describe the contents of this phrase, this joined up word-form? Certainly I kept it close to my heart, I protected it, and me within it; I could not afford this part of me to get defined or judged by those around me. And so, ‘dear to my heart’ were other words I lived in connection to the word-form Me-To-Write-A-Book: it is like a word of an intimate language of self, functioning in the process of my life as a single word. What was happening within myself within and as this phrase of words? It was like the moment of the opening of my heart that must and had to be protected, and being so ardently protected, it soon became closed off to me.

How had I defined this ‘Book’? As with the projection of a dreamer, both seeing not and yet obliged to see some form; as a child I focused on a solution I could hardly face, and yet not wholly turn away from – a pictured image of a book that I had written in the future – as evidence of my authorship, of my self authority. And so seeing not while at the same time obliged to see, I kept the imaged or symbolic version close to me. I cherished it, and cherishing, and living Cherish, and the experience of cherish became intertwined with Me-To-Write-A-Book: and Me-To-Write-A-Book became within me like a single word. It had a sort of imminence, not as an impending evil, but simply as a potential to be. Looking at it now I see how the experience of Cherished and of Potentiality might together become as an addiction.

What was the experience that I lived in Cherish; that something dear to me was such a comfort, that I held on to that experience of being loved? What was at the heart of that life-so-dear, was that life of me. That relationship is reflected in the word Convey (Day 472) – that had for me a physical urgency – that on the surface level manifested in my conscious mind in phrases like, ‘There is so much more to this,’ ‘The point of Life is being missed,’ ‘I must show by any means I can that there is life beneath this matrix, ‘That there is a danger of this life within being overwhelmed and trampled by the system by the march of progress…’ And yet what I could not see at the time was how much these words reflected that bondage that I cherished.

And there was a sort of triumphant spirit that I embodied in validating such perceptions of the world, in which I could utilize the urgency of Convey and commit my life path into action as a painter as an artist, and yet I did not question what exactly honestly was the nature of this triumph, of this exuberance. It is one of the effects of redefining words that those old stories of your life can suddenly open up an entirely different interpretation. There are points in which you see how rather than living words, the words as you have accepted and allowed them, have in a way been living you.

It was like I had suddenly committed to a belief that I could with a hop and a skip and a jump leap over this lock-down of the Me-To-Write-A-Book amalgamation – in which I was trapped and yet which I also held so dear – not with ‘Book’ as my written out articulation of the life that I experienced as ‘me’, as I am now beginning to redefine it, but ‘Book’ as representing that Authority that I had separated from, that Authority that seemed to oppress me, an image of my vulnerability to that authority and judgement and definition by others – that word Authority that was essentially living me. So in jumping over all of that in triumph to practice as an artist, I could celebrate yes the fact that life existed, while at the same time leave the book as closed – as an image in my mind – while that articulation of the life of me, remained within the bond, unknown to me.

Me-to-Write-a-Book, with a ‘Book’ as…with a scary definition of ’Authority’, as a field of harshness, in which I would fear experiencing vulnerability; within a field of judgement, experiencing my willingness to be defined by others, my willingness to be defined by labels, other people’s assertions of their own realities, experiencing my own judgement of myself, on seeing myself within and as such willingness… to be shaped, to be limited… these would be like the first pages of the book had I dared to open it, all those lies and self deceits that I had accepted and allowed within the word Authority. And within all of that what about my own authority as me, as the author of my book of life, as the one in the act of writing; in the harshness of this field I would experience myself resigning to the fact of there being apparently very little room for that. And so in the stuckness of the writing I would also suppress the experience of myself as angry to be living in another’s world and not my own.

I look at now how within my life I reacted to the question posed by the formulation of Me-To-Write-A-Book: such as me to write a book, or not? And what I see in relation to this, is the fact that in my life what I did was to postpone, though a million times it must have risen up as a question – to carry through, or not to carry through – and the question also: Is this that I am writing/busy with here the fulfillment of that impulse, of myself? And now also, ‘Would it be enough to deconstruct all this – in terms of being fulfilled – would I be content? And does in fact this question still remain in me?

How was I within myself towards the fact of being unable to commit, was it that I was resigned to the mystery of this apparent lack within my nature, believing that somehow I would get by, resigned before a judgement of myself, that I did not have this thing, that would make commitment possible? And as I write this question out what I see is that it was not really ‘that I did not have it in me’ to commit; it was that I already was committed – to an impossibility – of standing in front of a door, waiting through my life for it to open, while at the same time being the door itself, devoted to being closed.

It was not that I could see the impossibility of the situation, and how it was that I was trapped in this commitment. Over and over again I would justify myself within, ‘This is not the time’, ‘What I am doing now is not It’, and, ‘Maybe later, when I get the chance…’ and within these excuses also lay the statement, ‘What I am doing now is not good enough for me’, What I am doing now is somehow just a side event in the thrust of my life, in relation to my heart’s desire’, and ‘I have patience, I can be and can become this patience, but how I live within and as Convey will be eventually fulfilled…’

It seems like a leap here – into the phase of redefinition: what is happening is that reading through this written work I am amazed at how much of me is being discovered, opened up, and my thoughts go into the question of what then of the self within all this; that push within convey, that solution that once so long ago I saw for me in words, that self that now has movement in it, purpose, and something that I realise in this new experience is a unity of purpose with myself. How did I get from redefining Writing to seeing so clearly in these moments how I had separated this experience of me as me from this word Purpose?

As the redefining process opens for a word, as a word is changed, released, forgiven, it takes on for me an imminent quality, that awakening of potential, and these changes spread into connected words, in the redefining of words, one’s living through these words, the words begin to loosen up, those restrictions to their meanings start letting go, there is the transition from seeing how they have been and are defined, towards seeing how they might be redefined and what points lay behind those definitions; it is in this transition from those bonded definitions that for me this sense of imminence opens up, becoming intimations rising up in me, becoming like a tide of realization. As I redefine the words that I’ve been living in each of them that rising gathers imminence, that specifying potential of a word gradually by steps and changes getting free to be entirely in and of this world of me.

Of the significance of the process of Redefining Words, and of Writing Self to Freedom: that Significance must also come to Life, to the actual thumping of one’s Heart, like Holy Shit this really is the key, like Holy Shit that job of living me, that crucial job that I had forgotten all about in my retirement from the world of me: never before have I seen Self and Purpose as aspects of each other, never before have I experienced this point as real, as vital.

continuing next post…..

 

 

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Day 474: Redefining Writing: Evidence, Affront and Trespass

…this photo as a note…in looking up and seeing the garden here, one evening in the street light.. my projections on the natural expressions, redolent with meaning, almost as a word or phrase…

Day 474: Redefining Writing: Evidence, Affront and Trespass

.Evidence of how I have defined a word comes up in me as I am about to put that word into action.

So here, as I am about to write, I observe those moments of hovering, those moments prior to the decision to just simply go in there and do it; and for me I notice within the fear of setting down the pen onto the page – again – as if the patience were wearing thin… yes writing out – Again! – only this time staying with myself within that fear, in all its vagueness, and in the face of that impatience, to see what might exist in it; and what I notice kind of within the folds of that fear, is a feeling of Affront, as if the intention to resume the writing were the cause of it. Both at the same time really: in the feeling of Affront; of being offended, and as well the feeling of being the cause of the offense.

This is a cool discovery for me: extracting these specific words from out of what had previously been nameless, shapeless. There may be and are many other dimensions to this fear, but here is one of them.

Playing with the word Offense, the phrase ‘Uneasy sits the Crown’ comes up, and it seems apt to me as so often examples of Offense being taken involve a being with a position to defend, who has a hidden insecurity, since the ground of their authority is in some way false. Sometimes I’ve noticed offense being taken when an expectation from the other person has been unconsciously like a feeding of respect for their position, or for some other thing, so that when that feed is no longer felt to be in place, they take offense – as if their elevated rank for example had been doubted, they feel slighted; as if there had been a breech of contract.

And in ‘taking offense’, that is with me taking offense: such as in not being taken seriously: those moments in which I feel that I am deliberately misinterpreted, for the sake of a joke or a giggle, and I am unwilling to look at the possibility that I am becoming quite intense or over earnest, unwilling to see that a moment of levity could be valid, unwilling to consider that I might have strayed into a personality of some kind, unwilling to consider that I might have lost my way, unwilling to consider that what I’m seeing as an attack may actually be supportive. All of this exists within me as experience, as memories that contain that experience of being offended, taking offense. If that were not so then I would not recognize this feeling in me that comes up as I am approaching writing: I would have nothing to recognize it with.

And with the feeling of Offense that comes up, there is a fear of that feeling also, a fear of standing in it, staying with it, and also that feeling as well of having caused offense, or that possibly I might cause offence. A question here is this: by participating in this fear around Writing, what self definition am I living out, what word expression am I using for this purpose, when by participating in that fear, I validate that reaction of Offense, and I am actually being as a pest, a nuisance. Here is like the other side of it, though as I am approaching Writing they are both as one. So like in approaching Writing I am approaching the grounds of a complaint, where the complaint has been, “If not for this and that… nuisance… happening…then life would just go on and on, and on…” And so in a way the writing-ground is pre-defined within the parameters of complaint – as a kind of trespass – and the words if written down at all – are disposed towards defense – and as a trespasser, there is the feeling of causing an offense, kind of tip-toeing around on someone else’s land.

In the case of thinking that I have offended someone – and usually it’s way later – it matters to me a lot. Feeling shocked that this had happened, I go back and re-examine everything I can, with self questioning and re-runs, looking at all the angles, like was it something I said or didn’t say, something I did or didn’t do – perhaps it is not that drastic – but there is an insecurity opens up in me – and though often I do not find out if it happened or not, because times go by, and moments are gone, I think that mostly it was not real, it was usually me giving reality to something that did not happen, that is me validating a suggestion or suspicion in my mind. This is a good reminder to me of how I can be manipulated by for example someone resonating or even feigning offense, with me going into a reaction that is out off proportion, and also with the self manipulation, where that familiar doubt or feeling of having caused offense can have the result of me not going ahead with my intentions, as in the case of trespassing on someone’s land, not doing it.

Well who is it whose land I am considering to trespass in? Obviously all of it is me, and looking at the nuances within the fear of writing, all of them are also part of me: these feelings of offense and fear of them, these fears of causing an offense, who I am within and as my reactions to them, my validations of them. I take a look again at what I said about being the one who takes offense, and being unwilling to consider that I strayed into a personality of some kind, and that phrase ‘Uneasy sits the Crown’; a personality of the mind can have a sort of energetic insecurity, and that feeling of offense though rationalized into all kinds of human relationships and contexts, could also be like a survival fear of the personality itself, an expression of instability of a system.

There is part of me that is my mind, that part of me that is the mind, as all the words that I’ve been living, or existing as, and there is the part me that is the life within those words, responsible for their meaning, responsible for the nature of the mind, responsible for the automation of those words, responsible for my absence from them; so that as I develop self awareness in my redefinition process and give back to me my self responsibility it seems as if a relationship exists between myself and my programmed automation, in which largely I have kind of let things run, as in on and on and on.

There is kind of a relief in seeing that you are tied, because then there is a way forward, there is the possibility of then seeing How it works, rather than remaining in a wordless overwhelmingness in which one has become accustomed and familiar with resignation, and then such as with me, finds a positive energy for that, experiencing it as laziness… that everything’s ok, that I have time, just wait until the energy has changed…

In Breech of Contract comes up through Affront, Offense, and Trespass: words associated with crime and law, and so stemming from Authority. A personality of the mind, as a world of fraud can only function with the absence of evidence: it quavers, trembles, becomes unstable and shaky and deceptive as the lie on which it feeds is becoming likely to get written out. Within myself as both the maker and the breaker of my world of laws and contracts and dubious definitions I see now within this post these points as pushed up surface features pointing me towards who I am on deeper levels as ambiguous authority.

 

…continuing into this.. next post…

 

 

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Day 473: Writing, Fire and Brimstone and Self-Judgement

Day 473: Writing, Fire and Brimstone and Self-Judgement

 

With redefining Writing one may not see the need; the practicalities of writing as simply laying out the words onto paper or onto screen are well defined. It is when writing out the contents of our inner world that the unconscious parameters within our words assert themselves. With Writing as the physical aspect of introspection, as In ‘Writing Self to Freedom,’ writing stands as a gate, and for the gate to actually be an opening rather than a process of filtration, the word Writing needs to be clear and straight forward.

With the unfolding nature of the self-forgiveness statements it is impossible to predict where it might lead: what layers might be revealed, what programmed constructs might be exposed. Thinking in the mind – Oh Yes I get this, now I see where this is going – is for me an easy self-deception – often passing-swiftly-on seems so natural – while going back along the path that I have trodden to look again at statements that I’ve made seems like a loss.

With reference to previous post, Day 472, some Forgiveness Statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to include judgement of my self into the very fabric of the definition of the word Writing, and within that within the word Convey, and then not allow myself to look at and to expose for me that part of me as who I am as Judgement that is in the word and that is therefore in the action that I know as Writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this part of me, to secretly apply myself as Judgement to this part of me as Judgement, to be as Judgement itself looking into the glass of Judgement attempting to ignore or look around myself to make do somehow in the presence of this part of me that I am living, and to at the same time try and write around it, as if it were real that I had actually dismissed it. I forgive myself that I have participated in this self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in shame of who I am as Judgement, to within the secrecy of my mind attempt to push this part of me aside, to reject this part of me, and in doing this I forgive myself that I have been participating in the judgement that I have been rejecting. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed the Writing that is Judgement to speak out as itself, as who I am as Judgement, to speak out and be clear as Judgement so that I may see and know what Judgements I am making so that those judgements may be corrected, and so that within my definition of the word Writing I may be wholly me rather than in separation from a part of me that is self rejecting. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my own authority into the hands of this separating part of me and so become as less than and in fear of it within the act of Writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider self forgiveness of my acceptance and allowance of Judgement existing in my definition of the word Writing, with a view to simply getting rid of it, clearing it out, without consideration of this Judgement as being a part of me, or consideration of the fact that I am trying with self forgiveness to rid myself of parts of me, and so not seeing how the misalignment of judgement still remains.

Fire and Brimstone: here are two words that come up now. Who I am as Fire and Brimstone, or who I might possibly become if I allowed it, here was a part of me that I was in fear of, that Bible thumping, The End is Nigh personality; I was in fear of it because I once saw how easily I might become it, as if that roaring energy of the Wrath of God might have been contagious; and to overcome the fear I suppressed this part of me. What more precisely was involved in this manoeuvre? I mean looking back on this now I see here was the word Convey on Crack, somehow consummated in spreading the contagion. And yet that Wrath of God was an extreme form of righteous judgement and with the thumping of the Good-Book personality it was a thing I judged against extremely; this is why it was with fear and horror that I saw how easily I could become it. Having glimpsed an aspect of reality it seemed my responsibility to Convey it. Like here it seemed was the word Convey in exaltation. And here also in this Fire and Brimstone personality was Authority, my own Authority that I had horrifyingly given up to Judgement, and then done my best to stamp it down.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I alike with all other beings am seeking to express and live the Word, and that in Judgement also I have chosen to express my life, and in not seeing how in my application of this word I have been mistaken, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject that part of me within the word as if I were separate to that part of me I wanted to express.

Continuing…

 

Support for All at Desteni

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Day 472: Writing, Escribiendo, and Convey

In this situation of being Here, nothing ‘ordinary’ exists – one only has to really look at any single thing to know this to be so.

Day 472: Writing, Escribiendo, and Convey

I forgive myself, as my Being, as my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed to persist within me constant obstacles to my expression; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive tribute to the resistances that arise within Me; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive credence to the doubts in Me and of Me; that I have through all of this accepted and allowed myself to limit the Self Forgiveness that I am willing to give to Me, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined according to those limits.

 

I place this SF statement here as a reminder of the previous post: it’s what I have been walking for these six or seven weeks or so, and now probably even more, and if not diligently walking, then all the same it has anyway had effects on who I am, the way I am. Some of these effects have been quite turbulent; from day to day new understandings have been coming up and I have kind of let them go, postponing writing, thinking mistakenly that tomorrow will be clearer, and yet tomorrow turns out to be a different day and different things have happened, seemingly not connected to the day before; and within that turbulence I am different also, or in a different place within myself, or more that there are parts of me that have become apparent that I had not recognised before.

 

Somewhat like a reading of some tarot cards as they turn up on the table; how one follows the other is not obvious at all to our everyday one-dimensionality, and whether it be cards laid down on table tops, or waking modes of thought, or the world itself as picked up by the physical eye in moments of reflection from the timeline of a thought, where a detail of the present scene is kind of pointed out by what the eye alights on – the tarot of the world itself – where from a floating narrative of thought, a reference point was chosen – at a certain juncture – perhaps there had been a glitch of a reaction, or else the glimpse of a solution, a momentary realisation of an implication opening up some a vista or a depth. Chosen spontaneously by the physical eyes, quick as a blink the attention had been rested on a tiny detail of the physical surroundings – as if it were a tarot card, a scale of vision – a movement not away from a certain consideration but instead a move towards a fuller understanding, a metaphorical dimension selected from the physical surroundings. That way the detail that had been lighted on by the physical eye could be seen as being supportive, even though the reading of the world remained so difficult to grasp.

 

This turbulence, or seeming dis-connectedness has not been any kind of problem in the flow of my process and experience of myself, but has been instead in feeling stuck in writing I see it’s like a problem arising from my definition of the word ‘writing’ – I see now how much I have been reacting to myself as I place myself as the living agent in this word Writing, going into judgements about continuity, connection, logical progression, keeping things upright, square, with an eye towards consistency… while my personal experience has been so far from that; and yet really now I look at it, what I see is that conveying my experience of the last few weeks has been a challenge to my definition of the word, and asking the question, Can it stand, and, Can I stand within as this definition, which, now I face the question, and see these weeks of hesitation and realise that I cannot, and that therefore I must now redefine the word anew and clear it.

 

Here is an approach to stuckness in ‘Writing’, to ask: What within my definition of this word am I allowing as obstructive? Does there exist within my definition of the word something that is outside of me or separate from me, such as a projection of myself that cannot be lived, an expectation of myself that cannot be fulfilled, because being a projection, it is not real… is there something in the definition that, when it comes to transfer into living action, causes a malfunction, in which ‘to write’ seems impossible, which maybe for these reasons, it actually is. I mean how can a definition function if it has built into something that is impossible?

 

Within my living of the word Writing, and for me closer to my heart, has been the word Convey; a word that I have lived in many ways, for many years: in physical construction, in paintings, in meetings and in conversations. I am sure of this because in seeing it I realised that here was something of my fundamental purpose here, a purpose that I chose; as if, let’s say in attending to some important detail of a creation, I found the word Convey inscribed, implicitly, as the word writ through it, as it were, and seeing then the presence of this word as the push behind and through my history and the actions of my life, all leading to this present moment writing here, it came up like a wave of urgency to the movements of my hand, feeling like the electricity of awareness of directly living Me.

 

Well back then in the 70’s it wasn’t something like: ‘I see this word, and I will stand by it…’ No, it was more like I was living it, becoming it. It’s only now I recognise what word this was. This leads in to my relationship with Writing and how I have defined and lived it; it’s like the word Convey formed the vital core of it, it formed the impetus of writing. The point being ‘to convey’ to convey the wonder of what I saw as life, while what I saw as being accepted and allowed and written off as ordinary moments existing in some deep or shallow grade of awfulness – so within Convey there was a drive to refute that drabness. It was who I was within and as Convey that I was deeply connected to myself with that extremely rare and scary moment for me of being face to face with my purpose in this world.

 

About five years ago, when I realised that my future life would involve some physical travel, it was obvious that the cost of this would be to lose my painting studio, and my decision was to therefore transfer that creative abstract work with paint into working with the words; and yet it was not clear to me exactly how to make that step. I saw no problem: there was no how about it, I just assumed that I could do it. Now looking at this point I realise that my confidence to just simply do this was coming from that oneness in myself that I had been living as Convey. The definition of Convey that I had lived since my early days was unconditional and unlimited; that I would use whatever came to hand to convey the inner livingness of me into the outer world as my whole purpose. And now I realise that the unlimited quality of Convey also carried with it unquestioned reactions to what I saw as being the drab consensus of the world, and to the rigid older generations, and within that now I see how I had defined Convey with elements of blame and therefore with superiority/inferiority and judgement. And within ‘judge not less ye be judged’ lays the spectre of being judged implicitly within my definition Convey, and so also as it resonates into Writing.

 

And so it was that somewhere deep in my assumptions as I folded up my life of painting, that I could just simply transfer Convey into the vehicle of Writing, I was not seeing at all how or in what way this word might become obstructive, would need some redefinition, that is me within as the expression/living of this word would require redefinition.

 

Living for the first time in this life in a Spanish speaking country I spend a lot of time with completely new and, to me, exotic words; I am in a process of making new connections both with Spanish words, and with English words. So at the same time as learning Spanish I am also in a way revising my familiar English. And in redefining words and in looking into how I’d lived out words, and what I had connected to them, I am suddenly looking at completely new dimensions, and new choices in how I might expand the words I know. For example I find in counter-point to Writing, the word Escribiendo, which for me raised a question that I have mentioned – of the formality that I had attached to Writing – and it brought suggestions to me of different new dimensions: more light hearted, scribbly and bendy, and also more free to wander and scurry about even. And I realised I would like to introduce all these things suggested by Escribiendo into my definition and living out of writing.

 

How and in what way would I like to change within and as the action of this word Writing is indicated here for me in Escribiendo: to first within myself locate that self abundance, and out of that to give to me that lightness that I find in Escribiendo, and not just lightness, but as well that freedom to wander and scurry about a bit.

 

continuing next post…

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 468: Dimensions of Magnificence

Day 468: Dimensions of Magnificence

In Etymology I found a little history of how it was that Magnify was only recently – a couple of hundred years ago or so – adapted into English as in simply ‘making bigger’, such as with a Magnifying glass; I learned that up until that time the word was more – and still is in other languages – concerned with Honouring a person or a thing. And yes there is a sense of giving Honour in looking more closely at something, considering the details, looking in to it. There is Honour in this sense of looking into Me, giving time to me to open up the details of my inner world, of considering who I am towards and with and as myself within those details, and within the question of, “Is this how I want this or that relationship to be?” there exists that honouring of me as the directive principle.

So in considering these roots of the word Magnify, I come across a new dimension of Magnificence, within this, willingness to honour self, a dimension that is much more stable than the version of Magnificence that I had previously had existing in me – which was highly energetic – like as in a spray of fireworks across the sky, or some towering deity bedecked with shining jewels, or an ineffable extreme of beauty, kind of breath-taking types of things, and massive and overwhelming and other-worldly – looking at these connotations I can see how it seemed impossible for me to actually live this word as me, one and equal with it, and also how I was content within living with this definition of myself – in a comparison – as so much less-than it.

Just as in how you can open up – apparently – a random book, and yet meet some lingering trace of you in the words you see, an enigmatic relevance, an answer to a question you had asked, or written, acting at least as a reminder to me of the extent that our awareness is infused throughout the everything in which we live, and a reminder as well of how much we are supported here if we could but see it, or but respond to it – or see ourselves within it: so also with the process of the physical writing out of self.

In considering the nature of my backchat, I came – through this process of physical writing – to be looking at this word Magnificence – and to looking at how it sort of lay disguised behind the backchat, as if it were an inspiration of it, in a negative way, to specify the backchat lines, and it seemed to me that considering this word magnificence supported me in understanding the personal design beneath the backchat, and so supporting me in understanding, to put a stop to these restraints that I had accepted and allowed within me.

So also with the general nature of the backchat as – for me- a shame induction: looking into the word Shame, what I find within this word is an experience of dis-honour, the experience of being and becoming as dishonoured, and with accepting and allowing, listening to and participating in such backchat it becomes the experience of self-dishonour.

Ok I’m going to give myself some time to digest these things: within the process of redefining the word ME, here I’m writing out the questions of: Where specifically Shame stands as the label of an energy experience of self dishonour, and so has become detached from it, to the extent that the question fades away of what has been this honouring of myself that I have broken up, walked out on, that I have in some word or deed deemed as dispensable for the sake of my survival; and where with Magnificence I have lived up to my word, such as in honouring a commitment that I made to me, a decision in support of me, a standing up for me, a giving to myself of time to consider what it is in me.

 

continuing…

 

Support for All at Desteni

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Day 459: That Shitty Feeling

 

comic strip frames with ripples

Day 459: That Shitty Feeling

By the time I print a finished version of these notes, I hope that I will have made them more ordered, structured, easier to read, easy to understand, principally for me, but for those who read them also; I do not want to give the false impression that this organization is spontaneous, or that this was how it was to start, the form in which it came up in me; in fact I scribbled down different aspects as they came up, different dimensions of the thing, understandings, comments, notes, of the points involved from differing distances and perspectives; my written notes are quite a mess: full of little arrows and crossings out, and asterisks, and square brackets, where my notes were actually about something so completely different that they might be filed beneath the heading of ‘related but at the same time altogether different subjects.’ And so, for example, reading through these scribbled notes, I might now write and underline the heading: ‘This is where it started’, and then another heading: ‘Other things in parallel, or not in parallel at all to this.’ Or ‘Where I thought it came from.’ Or ‘My understanding of this, my analysis of this.’ Or, ‘How all of this has shaped my life,’ or ‘how I see this gets reflected in the world’… I mean understandings of ourselves, our feelings and emotions, our minds, and of our introspections have all such multiple dimensions, and as the understandings and the revelations surface they do not arrive in linear order, or create between themselves one single point. Over this paragraph itself, I might write: ‘How I supported myself by going through my scribbled sentences and paragraphs, writing headings.’

Often in the process of my writing, I write out and speak self-forgiveness statements: these are not separate from my explorations, or from the progress of my journey; without the tool of self-forgiveness, suppressions cannot simply open, because it is the un-forgiveness or judgement of the self that holds suppressions sealed in place, that holds them down; and while those judgements are in place they act as bonds of that illusion that we live, that we cannot see beyond. That is how a life can be lived without an inkling of a general self-deception. As in this example that I’d like to share, I came through my introspections with a new perspective of my life in which I clearly saw how many of my actions and decisions had been made in relation to a certain feeling in me, rather than in direct relation to myself or to the physical world of people, or to the physical itself.

It’s interesting how the most trivial seeming everyday event when opened up and looked into can reveal internal points of energy, infiltrating deep and far into the past: from examining the nature of a shitty feeling frequently present in my everyday experience I suddenly get an insight of the darker forces that I had hardly noticed, driving my unconscious landscape. As within so without: just as with the fake news of a controlling media, there comes a time in which one dares to question it; internally, the layers of excuses and justifications that accumulated into false realities come up for questioning as well, that acceptance of a stance of ‘happening to be the way I am.’

In the story that I’m sharing here, that instance of looking at a moment of ‘happening to be the way I am’ was in being confronted by a moment in which someone with whom I normally share a greeting, did not respond; and what this triggered in me was first of all a familiar shitty feeling, and then a familiar litany of questions, such as: What have I done; Have I done something wrong; Is it something that I’ve said or not said; something that I’ve done or not done; Have I upset them in some way; Has there been some gossip going round? By familiar what I mean is, this is not like something new to me; and that this is not a massive reaction that I must immediately look into; you could call it more a rather tired old reaction, definitely there, but in the background. And yet something that was new to me in that moment was the question of: Ok, but what is it that this point is anchored into? I mean this shitty feeling in me has obviously really nothing to do with this specific person; it is my everyday relationship with myself that keeps these points running around my mind, that keeps this shitty feeling fresh and new.

So that was like the break-through question: How was it that I came to create points in my mind in connection to ‘Hello’, and responses to Hello? And what exactly does this shitty feeling consist of? And immediately just in asking this I could see how much of all those questions coming up in me were like distractions from this feeling, were like seeking out somewhere in the outside world to land the blame.

Tracing back into my life the occurrence of this shitty feeling was not a difficult thing to do; to some extent it was always there with me, standing like a guard to my expression, but something that came up for me were memories of my early life at boarding school, in which I had mistakenly trusted in the advice of my father of ‘just do what others do and you’ll be alright,’ which I had then misconstrued into ‘give my trust to these others to define me’… this strategy blew up in my face, when as a group, my peers fell into a synchronized rejection of me – putting me in Coventry – meaning, not speaking to me; having given away the power to define me, I made the mistake of believing that this Coventry was a response to something about me that made me unacceptable – that shittiness that I felt inside myself I took to be the shittiness of who I was. That trust that I had foisted onto them had rebounded as a belief in the veracity of their consensual judgements, and since the judgements were hostile, I started to believe, and so trust also, that the inner shittiness of who I was was real.

That was where I began to hide myself away, and try to keep my mouth shut, never speak again, and stuff like that. Even sometime later when it was explained to me that what had happened was that I’d been put in Coventry, it did not change that for me with groups of peers there was now a risk, an element of danger, of possible betrayal. That it was possible for a group to synchronize in breaking someone down was a new dimension in my world, as well as what I had established in myself which was that experience of shittiness as apparently a reminder of who I am, that I then went on to making patterns with: of fearing it and reacting to it and avoiding it and running away from it.

Running away from your feelings seems possible when they are attributed to the actions and behaviors of others, and when they accumulate in relationships: then, just going somewhere else seems like an escape: here is where the devices of self manipulation, excuse and justification gradually weave their stories, imaginary worlds like comic strips, from out of which and from within which that shitty feeling seems to only be a constant nagging in the background; here is where the option of drugs can act like a salve to change the feeling into something positive; and so here is where in service to that shitty feeling and to the fear of the experience of it, it accumulates into what might seem like an addiction, where the blame of others is then focused onto blame of chemicals.

Looking through the chapters of my life I was appalled to see how many situations I had just ran from, when in every case that experience I feared I carried with me, not seeing it, because it seemed so intimately part of me, not seeing it because my self manipulation was so well practiced, not seeing how that guardian that stood beside my self expression had been placed by me for my own protection, so as not to experience that shittiness of me.

When I asked myself what kind of stories did I tell myself through my life about what happened, what was my excuse? And what I saw was that the ‘shock of broken trust’ had formed the fake news headline, or ‘betrayal’; the shocking badness of it all, that I had given something precious away that now was ‘shattered’ and ’broken’; in which I was the innocent, the victim, and this betrayal was to be seen as something done unto me – so that for my comfort, blame could be established from it – and that shitty feeling could be viewed as my justified response to that.

And yet beneath this story that I chose to live, what lay there within me was my awareness that I had given my responsibility for me defining me, to someone else, in trusting them. So beneath the story of the shock of broken trust and of betrayal was that shitty feeling that all of it was down to me, that I had given my trust in me to someone else – as a manipulation really – and also in a way, a self betrayal, this was the point beneath it all that I dared not see directly.

It was interesting for me to look into the backchat statement that came up in me in various forms in my reactions to such situations:- What have I done? Because looking into that sentence and the way I asked it in myself, how I couched the question, it was as if in the tone of it I was asking the world for an answer, as if in preparation to defend myself, the question posed as if in a protest of innocence. There are so many ways of habitually asking such a thing, or of internally re-iterating it, without ever really seeing the words for what they are – and crucially – of seeing how such a question could support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use these words without consideration of my own support but instead to use them to support my separation from myself.

Here is an opening for me in which I can make a start in changing what I have imprinted into me: as and when this backchat comes up in me, I recognize it as a question that can really in fact support me. As and when that shitty feeling comes along, I can stop and breathe and realise that yes this shitty feeling has been here in me – by my permission, by my instigation – and so obviously I have the power to let it go – I do not any longer accept the belief that this shitty feeling is who I am, there is infinitely more to me than this – and letting go of this belief, I let go also of the trust that I held in it. I do not have the expectation that now as if by magic I have through all of this eradicated this shitty feeling from the threshold of my expression, of my saying of Hello, of my speaking words into the world from within myself, from my writing of those words, and yet I have given to me the means to work with it. A shitty feeling in itself is just a feeling when the power has been removed from it.

 

Various recent recordings on Eqafe have been of much support for me in exploring into this; the perspectives outlined in them embrace fields far wider and deeper than what I have outlined within this post, but if any of what I’ve written here rings a bell then do please take a listen:

 

Life Reviews:

Sharing Trust vs Entrusting Yourself Part 1

Sharing Trust vs Entrusting Yourself Part 2

 

Quantum Mind Self Awareness:

Sharing Responsibility vs Abdicating Responsibility

Practicing Responsibility Sharing

Embracing Responsibility

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 427: Word-scape and Place

I went to sleep, and then woke up, and now is now. I checked out front, to look at it again: the gravel terrace now in darkness and steady rain, and across the gravel chips, an urn that I had moved, now standing upright. Earlier, while it was evening, I had made a small adjustment to a tilted plant urn, on the terrace edge, significantly to me, that teetered on a crest of rockery. Before the rain and dark set in, I had removed four bricks from behind the shed, and in a barrow, wheeled them to the terrace, and then with a trowel I scraped the gravel back and placed two bricks firmly on the ground, to form the first layer of a stable plinth, for the urn; a small adjustment. It would be distracting to photograph such things; like the before and after shots, because the simple words involved are more the point. For sure you can take a picture of the words involved, and yet they kind of seem submerged and lost in the pictorial (picto-real) experience.

In the previous post, the word Place had kind of come into my awareness, a candidate for redefinition, or at least, expansion, exploration, like a detail of the word-scape, as an article within and as itself, and as an element of a wider integration process going on. Bringing stability to Place, who I am as Place, and words as Places, Place-names, yes words as place names of the places words enclose, the names of their locations. Landscape, Word-scape, sound-scape, mind-scape: scapes of different orders, all as one. Taking physical action within all of these dimensions is stabilizing in itself, and yet I realise how as well I am working with the words, moving through a word-scape, while at the same time taking action in the physical.

Seeing how a thing does not really have a place, or how I might make a place for it to be, in consideration of the situation: these considerations and actions do not come from nowhere – I walked through redefining processes of other words, such as the word Abandoned. When the word Ship-wrecked came up in me as my de-scription in response to seeing a trough – this time – of plants, I recognized my programming and my personal relationship to making/giving of a place for me, in a way, to support me in my dis-location, and so reflections of me within this trough of plants, so I could then apply solutions for the situation in the physical by giving a place for the plant to be, while at the same time start exploring what may be in the word Place for me. In the cases of these plants what was reflected back to me was that in making or giving a place involved in relation to where they stood, bringing in stability and making a foundation.

When I was in my teens and playing with poetry, and formulas of words, and Haiku, I liked to add to letters, accents, little curlicues, or double dots here and there or graves, acutes: they were decorations in a way, but as well with serious intent, it seemed to me that ordinary words could then become exotic, I was attempting to dissolve the fixtures of the ordinary by using words, trying to loosen up the programming. The little accents seemed to me to open up the words to different dimensions, to allow their sounds to have different new harmonics, referring them to imaginary languages and exotic meaning. In ordinariness, a word can be like a train going on a track, and seeing it for a moment placed differently can feel like the train is suddenly swerving off the lines and going elsewhere, though it has not left the tracks, it has passed through a set of points that have been changed. In redefining words there are experiences similar to that swerve, finding different parts, dimensions to oneself, different possibilities of being, new awarenesses of the choices that we have of who we are within and as the words that we’ve been living.

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 423: Abandoned and redefining Stop

Day 423: Abandoned and redefining Stop

There is an outline sense in which I have walked this redefinition of Abandoned: that in living it, I now set off from a new place in me where I have also added to what living means to me: there is like an expansion of ‘with’ in being with me. It’s like walking this into living it is a constant process that applies to everything.

And mostly this begins with stop: and in relation to the word Stop, in a way within me there is a process of focusing on a kind of stop that has no energy, that this stop is in a way already an expression of that wholeness of me – rather than expression of an emergency command and ‘must’ and ‘have to’ shouted out in capitals – that had become a default setting – but simply stop as the essence of stop, stop and breathe and let that tension go, and then reset positioning – with this whole part of me – to what I’m doing here – within all of this there is a new kind of breath, my back straightens up, and with regard to a point deep within my neck, I can practice this letting-go of that expression of arrogance, and within that or at the source of that an experience of righteousness – and as well as that, let go of a world that did not exist, so it’s like this stop and breathe reset that I am practicing at the moment.

Within this I find these sort of anxious moments on the threshold of this shift, kind of residual backchat, that I have let go of this… lost something, something important, that I need to get back to, something forgotten.. all the old beguilements of Abandoned, this world of fear and anguish and exigency, where I have lived and had my being, where I realise now, from who I am within this context of Exigency using ‘STOP’ is useless. So it’s also like a call for patience in clearing who I am within evoking Stop.

Living Strength in Decision to be Born, owning that decision – regardless of where and how I came to it – in time and space – that it is made – and from here looking at a world that was in fact impossible – like how could I believe that an alternative could exist?

So walking my redefinition of Abandoned I begin to walk the question of: How to embrace and own Decision to be Born. Seeing this as both a starting point and a starting point of action. How to nurture, cultivate this as a fibre into my being, how to implement and practically bring that through the movement like as in being present at the source of for example the extension of my arm. Where right now in that physical muscle stretching relaxation reset experience sensation it is like I am practicing the opening of the doors to that experience of me.

 

Continuing next post…

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 422: Abandoned and Decision to be Born

Continuing here from the previous posts: walking a personal process of redefining Abandoned with reference to  Eqafe’s Atlanteans series Abandoned

 

From previous post… a memory… of a walk, ‘years ago’, setting off to stand beside tree, and to look around perspectives from its crag, to feel the way the wind comes up this valley….

It seems rather odd to look upon the information that was stored of how I embodied a personality, contained within a memory of many years ago, standing on the rock of a projected world.

And seeing an outline of that design: to be and have, and be-have, a universal excuse, ready to apply at any and all moments, a sort of ideal programmed freedom, to have leisure within these layers of belief where each excuse has been tried and tested, and has the support of back-up plans, and alternative narratives and sub-plots, definition-frames, immediately at hand, for an existence of diversion, as in transfer from one comfort zone to another, and all within a constant background context of Oblivion. Oblivion: Not Born Live I On. Where I stand on the essence of who I am within and as this personality design, I project it out as the context of Existence as a whole.

Long time ago: seems to make a distance-from, but actually the physical persists through time as one: as in my body – I mean although I see that personality ‘retreat’ and my gradual embodiment into it and as it – as something in the ‘past’ – I recognize it as it exists now as part of me as well, my present life in it, and the life in it of me; where I am in the habit of referring to this personality, and in that reference to it, shifting into it.

So in the realization that in moments this is who I am as how I have accepted me to be as this design of consciousness, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and act upon my projection of Oblivion, that I have accepted and allowed Oblivion to be as a source of comfort as I accommodate the design of Abandoned in moments of reaction to my direction of myself in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have lived a denial of my own decision to be born that is manifest and evident as my existence here, so therefore I commit myself in recognizing these points of shift that I have projected on the world, to in my redefinition of Abandoned to bring with me, into this habit, my reaffirmation of my decision to be Born, to bring this decision to be born into and as a starting point of Action, to change through walking this, this default setting in my life, to bring this into my expression of myself in taking Action.

So that in practicality, when I look upon the chaos factors of the world I have created and arranged, and allowed to accumulate, that I do not shift into a fascination of it where it’s like at the same time as while there may be something for real for me to look at in this projection, I not accept this construct as an overlay of what I am physically seeing, because I see and realise how walking into this I’m walking into an experience of every reason in the world to not take action.

 

 

With reference to Habits: very cool insights here in SOUL video Habits and Change

 

 

 

Continuing next post…

 

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