Day 477: Authority and Extending Living Principle as Release

Day 477: Authority and Extending Living Principle as Release

Redefining the word Writing   (Part 6)

 

In this post I continue my enquiry into how I have personally defined the word Authority, having seen to what extent I have accepted and allowed this word to define my relationship to Writing. Yes, having seen, how Authority, the word, had become in the dimensions of my mind, as an obstruction, as a block of concrete, like a massive building, as a ‘ministry’, a department of ‘government’, something dark and drab and hostile, labyrinthine; a place, a part of me that I’d avoid, imagining that in entering into it, that I would be forced to submit to alien directions, and pre-established systems, to being processed, to having my existence as dependent on a file, to be waiting at a desk for that file to be located…

…Interesting to see how easily a story unfolds, and just how in writing out these points I show myself how much the content of this word is charged – that is, parts to which I had delegated charge… to be charged, to be in charge… all these words as angles of the word Authority that extend and straggle into my personal thesaurus, into memories and representations of my experience of emotion, the histories of my participations: and ultimately to see that every document and file has been undersigned by me.

Yes, undersigned by me, and yet not seeing or realizing that each and every brick or wall or corridor or stairwell or department, desk, official, ticket, file… all the words that together contributed to the impression of immovability of the block, that contributed to the overall impression that: This word cannot be redefined, cannot be dismantled, that the bonds which hold the structure all together cannot be released, that the complexity of the bondage is overwhelming, that at every turning place there will arise a set of new distractions – I see that what I am exposing here are the beliefs that braid together as groups of word designs and formulations to which I had awarded function and reality and had connected to a charge, and given them a bearing to the structure of Authority as a whole. And in ‘as a whole’ I see now how I had conferred onto this word a wholeness, a completeness, an isolation, a self containment, a separation of itself from me – as a concrete block, with me as if outside of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this word can’t be changed, that it cannot be dismantled, that the bonds which hold the structure all together cannot be released, that my only choice towards it is to avoid; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these thoughts and beliefs to become embedded into me, to continue to have existence in me, to have assumed authority in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that in believing in these thoughts I have accepted and allowed my judgements and definitions as being reality.

In ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed’ what I stand by is the realization that I have in fact given my permission for such a thing to be, and in that realization therefore I also have the choice to withdraw that permission, and in so doing, to release myself:

In view of this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a double life, a life in which I both live my own authority as the choice and decision to forgive myself, while at the same time live my choice of avoidance of that which in my mind pertains to the word Authority; that while I utilize Directive Principle in releasing me from bonds that are not aligned with the Principle of Life, I am at the same time not seeing how I have made of the word Authority an exception; I am at the same time undermining that Directive Principle by looking at the bonds within Authority itself as if they can’t be changed.

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how – in keeping how I have defined and lived Authority suppressed – how I have accepted and allowed myself to live a contradiction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as less and as inferior to Authority, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as denial of Directive Principle. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a double life in which Authority and Directive Principle appear to me as different things. I forgive myself that through the word Authority I have accepted and allowed myself to live a split reality.

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the word Authority to represent my willingness for my reality to be split, for there being places in my mind and in my world in which Directive Principle does not exist, and therefore also in my imagined representation of Authority as being this massive concrete block with unchangeable component parts, parts as places in my mind that there is no Me as Life. Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me the word Authority as a monument to Death. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are parts and places in reality in which there is no Life.

In my journey to life I commit myself to release the word Authority, to allow it to be one with who I am as Directive Principle, I commit myself to learn to live Directive Principle, while right now immediately to face the bondage that I have accepted and allowed within how I have defined and lived my version of authority, and to bring instead Release.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the word Authority as an emblem in my mind of bondage. Therefore in my Self Forgiveness for how I have Wrought Authority in my mind, I walk the word Release. In Authority as me as the Living Principle of Awareness I commit myself to live Release. I commit myself to release myself from commitments that I’ve made and undersigned within the construct of authority. I commit myself to use the principle of Release as a tool to redefine and live Authority as one with Life. I commit myself to redefine myself within and as authority through actions of release.

The living principle of me is what I have been practicing to extend in releasing me in specific acts of Self Forgiveness, therefore what I see here for me in redefining Authority is to be taking Authority back to me in practicing this authority – not as a tool of power, or as a reminder of a powerlessness – but instead as an agent of release, knowing in myself that in doing this I am extending Living Principle through me into the physical, into practical reality.

I commit myself to bring Release more into the forefront as I approach the world, and seeing that it already does exist in my relationships I commit myself to being more aware of it and more aware of who I am extending it, to understand more deeply why this should feel so natural, knowing that what I am extending and expanding is me as Living Principle in practicality.

That someone stands beside me, as I make a choice – standing with – reminding me in their presence that the choice is not constricted – that for example my choice does not have to be to participate in fear – that company – through a living being – extends the principle of release, that in a moment of support is allowing me to see that I too have the choice to release myself. I commit myself in walking this new version of authority to also be the presence standing with, the one extending that release.

From that false authority that I have accepted and allowed and so become a victim of, I release myself: when and as I feel that general restraining order in my body, I stop and I breathe: the new authority that I am living is the authority of release: I do not any longer accept that authority of constraint that I have previously believed in, I do not accept the authority of those beliefs.

When and as I see that I am holding someone in my mind, interpreting them through labels that I have asserted onto them, and in myself simulating authority within believing in my judgements and interpretations; I stop and I breathe I do not any longer accept the authority implied in believing these interpretations of another being. Living the authority of release, I let this being be, I release them from my own constrictions, and in doing this I release myself from that false authority that I have been living and asserting.

…continuing… next post

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 476: Points of Living Self-Authority, Approval and Survival

Redefining the word Writing   (Part 5)

Points of Living Self-Authority, Approval and Survival

Redefining Words is a newly opened, clarified and implemented path of self support and self change through introspection, understanding and self forgiveness; and yet our choice with how we live the words within us is not new, it always has been here. Our abuse of words has consequently shaped our world; together we have furthered all our individual points of alienation, layer on layer we have created an absurdity. Here in redefining writing I share how I have supported me to expose for me the absurdity that I myself have lived of accepting and allowing my creation of Authority to become a constant interference of who I am at one with purpose.

While redefining Writing, many questions have come up, and around this point of asking questions, here’s another: Having asked a question in ourselves do we even know what forces we have set in motion? All of us are dowsers in a way – or is it Tao-sers? – While having questions turning over in our depths, and at the same time living out our everyday existence, we have an eye out for an answer, from the back-burners, an eye out for an understanding, for a clue, for further information, whether that be from a film we chose to watch, a snippet from a song we chose to hear, or something someone says, anything at all from out of the blue in our experience, where suddenly we recognize a significance, a moment in which that question that was asked finds some kind of a completion, or meets with a connection, and then when that happens, we choose to either look at it or not. That was how it was for me in a book that I was reading, when the word Presently came up, and I chose to look at it.

And so with Presently, the word: I ask myself what may come along, what possibilities may open up, be provided for by the dimensions of this word? With me, I ask myself because as I read the opening of a story, ‘Presently’ arrived, or had been placed in such a way that it stood out clearly in my mind as a point within itself, stood out from the run of words, as it were, with all its lights still on; and so asking this I paused the reading process to make an exploration, to trust the notion that my meeting with this word had been, if not my destination, had been necessary, supportive, had even been a possible entrance for me to find my way in redefining Authority – about which I had apprehension, had been dragging my feet. A question like, How might ‘Presently’ come into, be relevant, be a part of this question I’ve been living, as I follow through in redefining Writing?

What would be that ‘entrance’? Here for me that entrance represents the question of, How can I open up the word Authority, this point that is here, within redefining Writing; where in the process of the previous post I have come to see how much I have accepted and allowed this word Authority, with my commitment to the contents of its definition, to interfere so much with me with who I am as one with purpose, so that as I start to write, I lose my footing; there is a hitch, a knot, a lifting up, a suspension.

So here I realign myself with Purpose in this Redefinition of Writing, reaffirming for myself that I am not avoiding my meeting with the word Authority, but choose first to open up the word Presently – as if it were an Entrance.

So, to share here how ‘Presently’ came up: within the book, as I read the ‘passage’, it was, “…following a trail across the hills… Presently…the two men stood face to face…” Here is how in my reception of this sentence, ‘Presently’ resonated in me: – Presently: as quietly the moment changes. Presently: it was a day in Life. Presently: without restraint, without a past. Presently: in the way things happen, easily. Presently: within and as the manner of the presences of beings… so that in the opening of a story, the word Presently arrives, the nature of that which is both here, and is to come, the nature of a day in Life that simply is… I kind of throw together here a list of resonances, of how this word Presently came up in me as I was reading, and then seeing how through the nature of this word, the outcome of the meeting of the men as they eventually came face to face, was limitless.

Now considering how I had, in my redefinition of writing, kind of made an appointment with the word Authority, and had been feeling apprehensive about the meeting, and how it might or may be, “face to face”, I see now how Presently came as a solution for me, a way in which living presently with myself, I might approach this meeting. Something else as well: that even briefly though it was, within and as a walk through – of the resonances of Presently – I showed myself what living Presently could mean – with a sense of knowing every corner of it – as if it were my body – and that physical experience of knowing what is me – it’s like here I feel I’ve touched on what could be an outline of a redefined Authority, an Authority that exists within the living of a word. And so with this insight, a lightness came across the word Authority.

In approaching a point, in the way of how it’s done, here I show myself – with the support of Presently – a more sure-footed way in which one stays within one’s life in and as the living Presently – and kind of extending from it – so that now considering that Apprehension that I had – as an experience of instability, as fear of what might or may likely happen – that I had associated with really taking a look at and into the word Authority – I now question this connection. The word Authority, the word, the noun, is in itself quite abstract, neutral: and what I see is that the word itself is not the source of the apprehension that I felt around it. And I start to question now, rather than what is this word Authority – that I have been apprehensive meeting with – but instead to ask myself, How did I create Authority?

With this new question then I looked into my past, and I started to consider this; me in relation to the point of seeking approval, such as in my early days at school, a world in which my survival seemed dependent on it: here is where I actually created ‘authority’: in the opinions of others, in the consensus of peers, and then later with the representatives of ‘the authorities’ – where towards this ‘authority’ that I had created, I separated from it, I bonded it to my experience of apprehension, and did not question it. I was content in some way with systemizing my avoidance of it.

To take a look now at the image that I created of the word Authority – as I considered redefining it – seeing the word as a massive ugly concrete building – and me approaching it, fearing to walk up the steps and go into it – going to myself, Oh My God, now I have to redefine this place – sort of shove my body through the doors, and navigate the corridors and stairs and waiting rooms, imagining my incremental steps into my own diminishment. But in actually opening the doors of my apprehension rather than the doors of this massive Block, I see now how much the Block itself is like my systemization – sort of the Ministry of Adam Self Deception, which existed for the purpose of not seeing that I created this Authority, that I created it from a belief that also I had made, a belief in my survival being dependent on approval.

Within and as the Presently I live:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have committed myself to living out a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival was dependent on the approval of those around me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival was dependent on a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival depended on a point of what I said, of what my expression was in a moment, on a point of my behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the definitions put on me by others in order to serve the belief that my survival was dependent on approval.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a version of Authority that could only be outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and apprehension over what might happen if I were to express myself regardless of the Authority that I perceived outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having many years ago, thrown away the key to who I am, that it could never be retrieved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become resigned within and towards my experience of fear and apprehension that I connected to Authority.

In serving my belief that my survival was dependent on approval. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consolidate my commitment to this definition of Authority. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strengthen my belief that my survival is dependent on a point.

Within and as the Presently I live: I withdraw my commitment to Authority as a thing only in the world outside of me, and I recommit myself to my own authority within, within and as the words I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be nothing without being defined by others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the nothingness of my being with death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the beings around me as being ‘something’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and approved of my refusal to see that who I am as nothingness is my choice to live through words, that my responsibility within this choice is freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that in my judgement of myself I have asserted on to me as ‘who I am’, or ‘what I am’; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw away my awareness of the choice I have of living words.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an oversight of judgement to become an authority in my life, an authority that defines me with asserted words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by these asserted words, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then interpret who I am through these words as labels that I have accepted and allowed to be put on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live ‘Authority’ as a defining force in which I have approved that I be victim to it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to this defining force its own devices so that I never have to see the reality of the nothingness being, so that I never have to see my choice to be aware, to live Awareness, and live the words I choose to live.

Therefore, Presently, as I come along the path and meet Authority face to face, I commit myself to live Awareness.

…continuing next post…

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 474: Redefining Writing: Evidence, Affront and Trespass

…this photo as a note…in looking up and seeing the garden here, one evening in the street light.. my projections on the natural expressions, redolent with meaning, almost as a word or phrase…

Day 474: Redefining Writing: Evidence, Affront and Trespass

.Evidence of how I have defined a word comes up in me as I am about to put that word into action.

So here, as I am about to write, I observe those moments of hovering, those moments prior to the decision to just simply go in there and do it; and for me I notice within the fear of setting down the pen onto the page – again – as if the patience were wearing thin… yes writing out – Again! – only this time staying with myself within that fear, in all its vagueness, and in the face of that impatience, to see what might exist in it; and what I notice kind of within the folds of that fear, is a feeling of Affront, as if the intention to resume the writing were the cause of it. Both at the same time really: in the feeling of Affront; of being offended, and as well the feeling of being the cause of the offense.

This is a cool discovery for me: extracting these specific words from out of what had previously been nameless, shapeless. There may be and are many other dimensions to this fear, but here is one of them.

Playing with the word Offense, the phrase ‘Uneasy sits the Crown’ comes up, and it seems apt to me as so often examples of Offense being taken involve a being with a position to defend, who has a hidden insecurity, since the ground of their authority is in some way false. Sometimes I’ve noticed offense being taken when an expectation from the other person has been unconsciously like a feeding of respect for their position, or for some other thing, so that when that feed is no longer felt to be in place, they take offense – as if their elevated rank for example had been doubted, they feel slighted; as if there had been a breech of contract.

And in ‘taking offense’, that is with me taking offense: such as in not being taken seriously: those moments in which I feel that I am deliberately misinterpreted, for the sake of a joke or a giggle, and I am unwilling to look at the possibility that I am becoming quite intense or over earnest, unwilling to see that a moment of levity could be valid, unwilling to consider that I might have strayed into a personality of some kind, unwilling to consider that I might have lost my way, unwilling to consider that what I’m seeing as an attack may actually be supportive. All of this exists within me as experience, as memories that contain that experience of being offended, taking offense. If that were not so then I would not recognize this feeling in me that comes up as I am approaching writing: I would have nothing to recognize it with.

And with the feeling of Offense that comes up, there is a fear of that feeling also, a fear of standing in it, staying with it, and also that feeling as well of having caused offense, or that possibly I might cause offence. A question here is this: by participating in this fear around Writing, what self definition am I living out, what word expression am I using for this purpose, when by participating in that fear, I validate that reaction of Offense, and I am actually being as a pest, a nuisance. Here is like the other side of it, though as I am approaching Writing they are both as one. So like in approaching Writing I am approaching the grounds of a complaint, where the complaint has been, “If not for this and that… nuisance… happening…then life would just go on and on, and on…” And so in a way the writing-ground is pre-defined within the parameters of complaint – as a kind of trespass – and the words if written down at all – are disposed towards defense – and as a trespasser, there is the feeling of causing an offense, kind of tip-toeing around on someone else’s land.

In the case of thinking that I have offended someone – and usually it’s way later – it matters to me a lot. Feeling shocked that this had happened, I go back and re-examine everything I can, with self questioning and re-runs, looking at all the angles, like was it something I said or didn’t say, something I did or didn’t do – perhaps it is not that drastic – but there is an insecurity opens up in me – and though often I do not find out if it happened or not, because times go by, and moments are gone, I think that mostly it was not real, it was usually me giving reality to something that did not happen, that is me validating a suggestion or suspicion in my mind. This is a good reminder to me of how I can be manipulated by for example someone resonating or even feigning offense, with me going into a reaction that is out off proportion, and also with the self manipulation, where that familiar doubt or feeling of having caused offense can have the result of me not going ahead with my intentions, as in the case of trespassing on someone’s land, not doing it.

Well who is it whose land I am considering to trespass in? Obviously all of it is me, and looking at the nuances within the fear of writing, all of them are also part of me: these feelings of offense and fear of them, these fears of causing an offense, who I am within and as my reactions to them, my validations of them. I take a look again at what I said about being the one who takes offense, and being unwilling to consider that I strayed into a personality of some kind, and that phrase ‘Uneasy sits the Crown’; a personality of the mind can have a sort of energetic insecurity, and that feeling of offense though rationalized into all kinds of human relationships and contexts, could also be like a survival fear of the personality itself, an expression of instability of a system.

There is part of me that is my mind, that part of me that is the mind, as all the words that I’ve been living, or existing as, and there is the part me that is the life within those words, responsible for their meaning, responsible for the nature of the mind, responsible for the automation of those words, responsible for my absence from them; so that as I develop self awareness in my redefinition process and give back to me my self responsibility it seems as if a relationship exists between myself and my programmed automation, in which largely I have kind of let things run, as in on and on and on.

There is kind of a relief in seeing that you are tied, because then there is a way forward, there is the possibility of then seeing How it works, rather than remaining in a wordless overwhelmingness in which one has become accustomed and familiar with resignation, and then such as with me, finds a positive energy for that, experiencing it as laziness… that everything’s ok, that I have time, just wait until the energy has changed…

In Breech of Contract comes up through Affront, Offense, and Trespass: words associated with crime and law, and so stemming from Authority. A personality of the mind, as a world of fraud can only function with the absence of evidence: it quavers, trembles, becomes unstable and shaky and deceptive as the lie on which it feeds is becoming likely to get written out. Within myself as both the maker and the breaker of my world of laws and contracts and dubious definitions I see now within this post these points as pushed up surface features pointing me towards who I am on deeper levels as ambiguous authority.

 

…continuing into this.. next post…

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 471: The Golden Thread, Lost, and Meaninglessness

Photo: A miniature dove often sits in the same spot in this tree in the garden of our new home in Chiriquia, Panama. 

Day 471: The Golden Thread, Lost, and Meaninglessness

I forgive myself, as my Being, as my Innocence, that I have accepted and allowed to persist within me constant obstacles to my expression; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive tribute to the resistances that arise within Me; that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay compulsive credence to the doubts in Me and of Me; that I have through all of this accepted and allowed myself to limit the Self Forgiveness that I am willing to give to Me.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become defined by the boundaries of my Self Forgiveness; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I may become if I let go of what I have within myself asserted and allowed myself to be defined to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also not respect the doubts that come up in me that are questioning the confidence that I have placed within and as the personalities that I live as Me.

 

… a continuation of Day 470, The Golden Thread

I suppose it happens sometimes that we decide to and commit ourselves to living certain words without a full awareness of what we’re doing; and even though it turns out later on that the word has shaped our lives, yet still we have not seen the word that is at the core of it – here is an instance of that, which I’ve opened up for me, through looking at who I am within that ‘golden thread’ experience, and here within these grounds may be discoveries for others too… of different words, of different purposes…

Since the previous writing I’ve been looking at those moments of my life in which I recognized a ‘golden-thread’ experience; that experience that seemed as if a vibrant thread of meaning had re-emerged from out of the fabric of my life, as in ‘here again I see that I am here with me, that no matter the extent of convolution, the seeming randomness, here again is a point of certainty, this evidence that right now – is undeniable – that I am not in fact lost, that my judgements of the path I’ve walked – as being meaningless – have been deceptive.’

In looking at The Golden Thread and opening it up, exploring what it meant to me, a question came up of – almost like looking around from that – what would be the nature of a world in which that golden thread existed, was suspended, was partly there and partly not, sometimes there and sometimes not – and if it were literally like a piece of thread or string then what would that string be suspended in, what sort of an environment would such a thing exist in? Answering this question to myself as me it was clear immediately that this ‘environment’ of me was one of uncertainty, of lostness, and of meaning-lessness.

Here for me was like a Vital point within the Golden Thread, the word Lost – and I realized that even through and in my victimized interpretations of the word, that once were feeding on the word Abandoned – was that vital point of standing on my own legs and moving me. So here I am again – in the context of The Golden Thread – looking into Lost, and seeing to what extent the word once held such attraction to me. I see now how much that attraction was coming from an awareness in me that I must redefine this word for me.

Way back, in this life at least, way way back, soon as I had walked away from school and family, and, literally, lol, taken to the hills – a living expression – it was a priority to me to seek a Lost experience – I was convinced that if I could stabilize myself in that Lost experience, I had a chance to find myself; that if I could shake off that world of knowledge that seemed so oppressive, then I had a chance of seeing direct/ for real/clearly.

At the time, I did not have the words – I did not realise that I was redefining words, I had no conscious understanding of how I lived out words – but looking back, this was like the gist of it. What I was doing in physical action – in taking to the hills – in getting Lost – was – how I see it now – was taking that experience that I was living out – defined as Lost – and then in my own way, making a study of it, attempting to create it, model it, reproduce it as an object or an image. This was how unknowingly I worked with this experience/word, taking it from something that defined me and oppressed me, to something that I owned. In this way Meaninglessness opened up for me and became for me instead of a limitation, an ever-opening resource; it was the opening for me of some years of explorations in the form of abstract paintings.

Something that I found as well, only recently – during the process of travelling – and moving home – looking more closely into the golden thread, and the experience of lostness, was how for me the word Significance had been for me misleading – it tends to lead me ‘out there’ in a way, looking for ‘signs’, when the impact for example of a ‘chance’ meeting, when you have that feeling for example ‘I was simply ‘meant’ to be here, in this strange café in this random country/ on this train/ meeting this particular being… in which it seems clear that there exists this wider reality in which our lives are taking place… a wider reality that gets exposed in the very act of travelling, having stepped out for a moment from our personal systems, routines… where ‘fathoming it out’ – all the whys and wherefores of it all – is kind of a distraction – and placing this word Significant to it – for me – obscures a simple point – because simply in the presence of that meeting I was as the experience of myself as standing in the center of my meaning; it was simply that this meeting was necessary on a level way beyond my understanding – that what took place within it – happened – there was no need to place the word Significant upon it, and so the following activities, the search for signs, when right there in the heart of that moment there was for me to experience myself as being alive, aligned within myself to Meaning, as in this is happening for me for both of us, this intensity, in the very core of this experience, no need to wander in conjecture of how this works and why.

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 467: Magnificence and Redefining ME

Day 467: Magnificence and ME

The Mine Field: you will need to read the previous post that leads to this one to get more context, but here I start with some of the working and functional self definitions that I have accepted and allowed to exist within the word Me. In this part of the process of redefining ME, I continue with investigations into definitions that I have already accepted and allowed and incorporated into the word of ME, definitions that are not best for me, definitions that I have accepted and allowed through the backchats of my mind. (see Day 466)

In general terms of Consciousness, if you allow yourself to be the victim of your backchat, a victim, as in being restrained within its boundaries, you will learn to fear the consequences of expansion, of straying too far, of questioning the edicts; and then accepting and allowing such fears to become imprinted into you, a personality will emerge, neatly shaped by your reactions to the merest hints of such specific fears, as dictated by the backchat. So from generalised – functions and controls of Consciousness – I now go into more the specificity of ME, that is in how I personally furnished those general Consciousness dimensions, into the specific nature of my personal backchat, exploring more the firewalls of the taboo that I accepted to be created, the taboo of understanding, Self-Intimacy and Seeing-Into-Me.

As skated over in the previous post, an incident occurred in which the image of a mine field surfaced – showing me – sort of incidentally – in my own words the fear of walking into this, showing me that hidden in the very ground of ME, there were like these back-chat bombs, that if I were to firmly tread then I might trigger a disaster. It is through incidental words that surface in my writing, in my de-script-ion of ME, that I recognize these points of self support that come from deeper parts of me, points that somehow slip through the filters of my conscious introspections; and what I have found is that by looking further into them I see the beginnings of an honouring of self. Exactly how the words Self Honouring and Self Honesty fit into each other is still a mystery to me to unravel for myself when I am able: for now I walk as within these Journey posts towards stability in my self.

For now, the incidents of words emerging for me in support of me as I inscribe them into physical existence will serve me in my purpose of opening up the definition complexes of ME in which I have accepted and allowed myself to coexist with functions of self-squashing, self-dishonouring, self-demeaning, self-diminishing as decreed by the backchats in my mind. Here is not just to simply open them up but to deconstruct them, to stop them, and to replace them using words I choose that instead support me.

So, tentatively stepping on the ground of my specific mine field, I am now looking at the incident (see previous post) in which the word Magnificence came up almost as a primary glimpse of what this word ME could accommodate as redefined, relieved of all the strangulating mechanisms of the backchat.

And at the time of writing, thoughts came up in me of how much less-than this ME I know is in comparison to Magnificence – like, BUT how could I possibly live this word, be one and equal with it, and so in equality become it, in accepting it as a part of me?

At the time of writing there was something that I did not see – it took some days to recognize the words I wrote – that within my I-Am-Less-Than-This reaction to the word Magnifence what existed that I could not see was fear. Fear of standing as Magnificence. It was through seeing this that I saw its relationship to my other backchat – this word Magnificence had not just popped up as a random alternative to live; it existed shoved away suppressed almost as the target of my backchat; when I looked into the backchat there were fears of being exposed in self aggrandizement – self magnification – judgements of such things within myself; memories of moments of being squashed in self exuberance – fears of letting go – where I had manifested exuberant expression it had been interpreted as showing-off; where I had manifested celebration of being me it had been interpreted as self aggrandizement, or big-headeness; where in stepping out of character, I had been accused of fraud. And yes indeed such character manouveres did exist, but they were not the whole of it. Magnificence was like a driving force of my exuberance, was like the fire of my creation, and like the inspiration of my non-sequiturs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Magnificence: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and consented to the designs of consciousness to utilize this fear, to instead of standing as Magnificence, instead to subdue and diminish and misconstrue Magnificence in whatever form it might manifest in my expression – and in a way to take this word and harness it in service of my fear

 

…continuing next post…

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 466 : Gossip and redefining ME

Day 466 : Gossip and redefining ME

Examining gossip and self-gossip: the question to self comes up of: if this were a personality, what kind of personality would it be, if this were a general experience, what would that general experience be, the feeling of it, the atmosphere around it… and for me looking into this I realized that if it were a personality it would be like a sort of a wet-blanket person, a constant threat to rain on my parade.

And listing out the verbs it was: to undermine, to put it down, to belittle, to make small, to sabotage its confidence. And the presence of such a personality in my mind would say things like: stop showing off – don’t expose yourself – you better keep quiet – you are too big for your boots – know your place – you’re so selfish… you ought to be ashamed… if all of those statements, feelings, could be rolled up together into a general shadow looming in my mind that would well describe my experience of ME that accompanies my self exposure in expression – a sword of Damocles – to exaggerate – so as to expose it more – though the feeling in itself is subtle.

Writing out these back-chats – with a pen – I realized how much these words derived from actual experiences of sibling bullying and manipulation – were words that I had internalized – and made my own – and strategically allowed to be as my own controlling self attacks – and as I wrote the words, my writing faltered, becoming smaller, tighter, with a hesitance coming into it, more and more restricted, as if I’d strayed into an environment of judgement – a mine field – to exaggerate again – in which me allowing the flow to continue – could be dangerous…

Such dramatic terms, and all of them derived from realities that once existed, yet now continued to exist within my mind – it was not that I had no responsibility in this, they were not just simply imprinted into me without permission – I recreated these ‘family’ relationships as energetic constructs in my mind – it was like I put a cast of characters together to represent the different forces in my mind – it was my design of how I was to operate as an expression of my family group – as an imitation of it, but as an independent entity – carrying along with me a group of working models of a possible existence as a mind – in a world that was otherwise unknown to me – so it was like in the absence of an alternative, I accepted and allowed these constructs as a backing – I construed them as a form of strength, as an independence aid, and in relation to these constructs I conceived myself as less-than them – seeing that for them to operate and function in a ‘natural’ manner, I conceived them as a ‘truth’.

These are like the technicalities of child robotics in a world of consciousness. Essentially within this voluntary scheme my definition of ME would be required to dwindle, atrophy, to become no less and no more than the ball in the game, rather than the game itself, rather than the stadium in which the game is played, or the world in which the stadium is built. All of this I willingly accepted; it was not like I had been destroyed – after all, my experience of me remained within the center of it, subjected constantly to the permissions that I resonated out. Here I was like a ME design submitting to the ways of consciousness.

Now I need to round it up a bit; I am aware that spite may enter into and interfere with my understanding of the family dynamics – seeing that both the spite and blame and my judgement of it both play a part and are a part of it – here is where I stand in that experience where it is not clear how much of what I see is my projection – where in one extreme it all seems like all projection and blame and in the other extreme it seems that what I see is absolutely true; and yet in both I tend to veer away from this reference to ME that I know so little of, this reference to ME that has been so long cast within taboo.

Knowing so little of what exists within and as this ME, I have spent many years standing literally on the brink of it – it is as if so far the physical reality that I have actually entered into is like various groups of cells and muscles in my lips – living in and as the Brink – so far short of doing such as a thing as actually for real walking on the Earth.

Implicit in the path of self-intimacy is self-honesty: where could Into-Me-I-See lead without first clearing for myself what definitions I have accepted and allowed as ‘ME’? To apprehend the fact that each of us are standing by this cosmic gateway we have to clear away the thorns and brambles that have grown in front of it. ‘Cosmic’ yes, as an expression of Magnificence, but Cosmic also in an Earthly sense, as a glimpse into this physical substance that as yet we know so little of, or of ME as being a part of. So, seeing this word ME as if for the first time, I realise that yes I may have lifted up a corner of the veil, and that this glimpse is here supporting me to further clear and clean the word, and honour it.

 

What would be the thorns and pains around the word ME that would make such natural honouring an impossibility? Something that I have realized in this writing is how much the word ME had figured in this life as almost like taboo – being connected to the cardinal sin of Selfishness – a word used often in the day to day manipulations of my family life – judgements of my badness, in which using the word Me came to have some guilt attached to it.

 

About the self inflicted pain of guilt, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this connection to exist; I forgive myself that I have provided for and stood beside this connection to exist; I forgive myself that I have deliberately accepted and allowed other peoples definitions of ME as being part of my reality; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by others; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should go ahead and live this life of ME as other people’s definitions of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in other people’s judgements of me, and for accepting and allowing myself to justify the guilt I felt in my definition of ME. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience that I had deliberately attached to ME. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the pain that I had accepted and allowed myself to attach to ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within me the experience of a Sword of Damocles to exist; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of my own self judgement, and to live as powerless to change the experience that comes out of it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self judgement and make of it a thing that I am haunted by in my moments of self exposure/self expression. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what people might be saying about me, not seeing how within this what I actually fear is what I am accepting and allowing to be said by me about me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look upon the fact that I have given up the power to define myself for me and in support of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed other people’s definitions of me as a self manipulation in which I do not have to see how much I fear what I might see when I look upon how it is that I have defined this ME that I am living, and how much and to what extent that I avoid to face the ME that I’ve become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read the word: Into-Me-I-See, and not seen within myself how much and to what extent I have brushed past the word ME that is at the core of it, and so have within that not seen ME at all but only seen within my mind an idea of that, an idea of ME that is pleasing to me, and yet not real.

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 461: Enthusiasm

Day 461: Enthusiasm

Enthusiasm – within sharing the delight of a discovery in life – and in the nature of such discoveries – being each a gift for me but also those around me – where within this it is more like I am taking part in the discovery, and within this there is also an expression of Gratitude, that I can enjoy me within and as a part of Giving.

Clarifying for myself this word Enthusiasm, I begin to see now how it plied into my life; like as in a river, with me furthering and furthering a decision that I made when I was young – to make that effort, push myself to be specific, to use my time to specify those goings-on within me, to articulate those feelings, movements, shades, as much as possible; that, I realise now, was and is an expression of the why of me, to focus that responsibility, to articulate the discoveries that I made inside myself and in the outer world, and so to then express them.

That decision was in a way to go with who I am, and I accepted Enthusiasm as an aspect of it, and yet how had I defined this word? It was clear that it was my own responsibility to me to answer for myself that question of, ‘What does it mean, to live?’ and it was my decision to share what I had found. That I felt liberated within making this decision confirmed for me that it also was an expression of the why of me, I could easily own it as a natural part of me, and so accept how this would then define a path for me in life.

Youth can have such an easiness about it, sometimes: as an artist it became my purpose then to earnestly express a Joi-De-Vivre in painting, where in giving form to this enthusiasm I believed that I could start a conflagration, or at least help to tip the balance in some way to the programming that seemed rife around me. I did not see to what extent going with the gut could also be a falling into step with just another aspect of the program, and it would be another 30 years and more until the Desteni Group came together and the Portal opened; so in terms of understanding consciousness and the workings of the mind, and the significance of living out the definitions of our words, I was still at that time very much illiterate and in the dark.

So with that original decision in my life to be and to become that constant effort to specify, to articulate, to discover, it’s now for me to look into the Enthusiasm that I lived, that came up in me, on discovering and going with these motives in me, that the reward which I experienced was that there was something I could give, in celebration and affirmation of the We in our existence, that the Discovery was not for me, though it was my joy to be conveying it. That is very different to that general ‘Joi-De-Vivre’ that I saw as like a magic antidote when I was young. That Joi-De-Vivre was cool in itself and sometimes acted as cool reminder, and yet it led to, came from nowhere in a way.

So in redefining Enthusiasm I bring into it this new component – the awareness, presence, affirmation, of this reality of the We that is here – who we are as discovering this Life together, who we are as present in each other’s discoveries, who we are as empowered in and through our shared discoveries, that acting as a group we can become a single force to change this world in which we find ourselves to be.

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 460: The Unknown Eqafe Recordings

Day 460: The Unknown Eqafe Recordings

What has now become a library of previously unheard information, I mean the content of the Eqafe recordings: amongst and with those questions asked and answered also in and as Abundance, there is that glimpse of truth for which we have not asked, for which we could not ask; because beneath those layers of acceptance and allowance those key questions have become submerged, and we have till now been content with coping with their absence, accustomed to a life of exile from ourselves… a life in which those questions have no place to come from.

The Eqafe recordings: it is now some ten years since they started, yet awareness of even their existence spreads so very slowly throughout the world. We thought at first that it would spread across the net like fire, that millions would be listening to the message of the Dimensionals, to be interested in the existence of the Portal, in perspectives of our human reality, and the reality of others in our world beside ourselves for the first time coming through, and that our gratitude for an outside view of things would be shared by all, and yet perhaps it was our own enthusiasm that down-played the fact that spreading news of this would not be easy.

And in a way, my own enthusiasm messed things up because even with a glimpse of what is real I myself caught fire and went round ranting and raving, attempting to break down the walls of programming, causing those around me to back away and wonder if I might be mad; that was how inadvertently I actually strengthened the resistance.

Enthusiasm: what is in this word? Looking up the roots of enthusiasm I find literally, ‘possession by a god’, as in excitement as possession, being ‘with God.’ And while looking up enthusiasm also I noticed listed there, in the dictionary, an antonym: ‘indifference.’ I mention this within the consideration that indeed there was in retrospect a kind of madness in my ravings: I had suddenly gone into reaction to a kind of resigned indifference that I’d been living, and so swung into a polarity of that within and as enthusiastic ravings.

What is done is done; to those whom I subjected this I ask for their forgiveness; and I forgive myself; gradually I learn to walk in equanimity with myself, and to express my understandings from a grounded place inside me. If I were to redefine myself within and as Enthusiasm, I would change the word of God within it to the word of Life, because it was in the realisations that I was not in the context that I had ascribed myself as playing a role as insignificant, in the ‘greater’ scheme of things, but that actually in living I therefore was involved no less or more than Life itself. So the enthusiasm that I lived had the emotional charge of the lost within and as myself as found; and the release that I expressed was the release of that oppression that I’d been living, of that damnation that I had imposed upon myself and had so much believed in.

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 458: Play within Communication

Day 458: Play within Communication

 

What sort of images come up with the word Play: for me what comes up first are the interactions of children, with each other, with their toys; and then there is the play of Players as free-agents within the structure of a game; theatrical connotations; leisure; entertainment; coming into play, there is the playing out, the playing down, the playing along, the playing up… so much of it to do with games and gamesmanship, activities of ‘leisure’ as opposed to ‘work’, and within ‘work’ defined as a negative, so ‘play’ promoted as a positive.

So like seemingly implied in this, a mass of information about the energies within the word, how it functions in the system, and I was bedazzled by it all, in a kind of righteousness that seeing all this, I already ‘know’ what play is, so what more could I possibly find within it, and in that I did not recognize the resistance that was in me.

But now looking at the word again, this time not as something that ‘I know all about’, am ‘familiar with’, and therefore do not need to redefine it, but instead to see this word in a different way, not as a piece of knowledge and information only, but to see as well that this ‘knowing’ experience, this ‘familiarity’, represents the programming within this word, that I have accepted and allowed, and so come to trust, and that trusting of these programs is the source of confidence with which I tell myself I ‘know’ this word, and therefore do not need to spend more time on it.

How much the potential of a word is, call it crucified – as an image of the life within it, nailed upon the grid lines of the programming – within the ideas and beliefs that seem to fill it out and make it so convincing, so simplified and obvious and everyday, and yet trusting and believing in and following those grid lines only lead back to the starting-point of who I am, as convinced, as knowing, while the potential of the word is overlooked. Or else sometimes like with this, I inadvertently touched on something real, and there’s a reaction in the mind, a withdrawal really, a contraction; the hypnosis levels escalate, with the magnetism of the entertainments, the emergence of distractions even more compelling; all the various scripts that lead to Therefore Take No Action, these are like the roads to Rome.

That’s what happened to me in a way, I looked into the word and it was like a Holy Shit type moment, of seeing something there within the depths of it, and then all of a sudden I was wanting to watch some film, a series, do something else, take a break; and even though I knew that I was in extreme resistance, it did not help; because that relationship to resistance in which recognizing the experience of it, is really just recognizing me in my acceptance of it, that within and as it, I recognize myself as this giving up experience, and then label that ‘resistance.’ So within that I really disempowered myself, and within and as that disempowerment I became just merely witnessing it all. So I watched a film, and took a break and then this morning finally got back to it. Although I let this happen, still there is a steadfast trust in me I am gradually developing, and strengthening; that I will get back to it, that though I still respond to backchat such as you can’t do this, it won’t lead anywhere, it’s a waste of time, it’s kind of wearing thin. So even though I’m swept away and fall within this energy, I do get up again. So yes in redefining words there can be that startling moment in which the ground of the world shifts slightly, and there is a realization that the programs and projections that I’d been living as a word had been so severely limited, and yet at the same time I had experienced as so complete, and that it had been in that experience of completeness that I’d placed my trust.

But anyway what of that Holy Shit type moment? Imagine that you’d spent your days on Earth in front of a TV series, and the word Life had been written plain in every episode you’d seen, like a little picture of some goings-on, until one day you’d looked into this word and suddenly suspected that all the time that little picture had been surrounded by a world, only that world was impossible to see, impossible to grasp because every reference that you had to it was contained within that little picture, within the terms of it, and so what was the residual of that suspicion, but an overwhelming sense of something missing, and what exists within a sense of something missing, but the thing itself, something on the very brink of tangibility, something real, that matters.

That was something like that Holy Shit moment; a fear, that deep within this word Play for me was something of great seriousness, some essential part of me that I had missed, something Real about the way I’d lived this word, and yet not seen: what was it that even in this redefinition process that could have struck such a serious chord, the realization that beneath the programmed surfaces of fun and games, there lay a fact. And when I looked through what I’d written out I realized that the word Trust coming up for me in this context was what it was.

What the word Play represented for me as a child, which was like a creative space, a process of discovery; with my brother I would move from this to that, using whatever was at hand to ply into whatever current story we were living out, or adventure we were in, while an interruption of any kind thrown up by the circumstance of physical reality was simply taken in, adapted to and absorbed into what we were doing. Imagination and action would initiate each other in the service of the present moment, and within all of this there was a natural flexibility. So, creative space, discovery, imagination, invention, action, present, flexibility: words that I may not have known at the time but yet were already like components of what I lived within our Play: as well as this, the Play itself was also communication, and as well, collaboration.

So looking at this memory of childhood play, I could describe it as participating in a collaborative communication dialogue, in which the goal was not a fixture, but constantly changing and shifting according to what had been established in the present moment; it was like an ever branching process of discovery and invention, that was the process that I meant within the words: Let’s play…

And yet writing this and sleeping on it too, I realise as well, that these words discovery, imagination, invention were more like expressions of myself; it was more that in Play I felt free to express these parts of me, so that what defined the play itself was the presence of trust in our communications and our collaborations. This brings up the question for me of how and to what extent later in my life, with the acceptance of this absence I then defined communication itself and lived it thus, or at least had expectations of communication that had no element of play, and then come to see play itself as separate to communication. There is that ripple effect in redefining words because the words are all defined within the matrix of each other.

In a relationship between two friends, where there has been a tiff, the word exchange becomes more formal, guarded, and it takes time to heal that trust that had been simply there before; where there had been those unpredictable creations and discoveries, there are instead, unchallengeable assertions, back-ups, statements of fact, risk assessments, the world of the relationship becomes more stark; instead of being an end within itself, communication now requires a reason, and has a goal and aim, and the words themselves are depended on as programs and projections only. As in the aftermath of the tiff between two friends, where the fabric of communication has been torn, there is that dissonance that interrupted flow, there is no play, that’s like where we fall back on the mind to somehow, create communication, because we’ve lost our way in being it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that communication could still be real in a world in which my trust of me was only tenuous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could somehow get by in a world in which my expression of myself depended on relationships with others, in which I defined my trust of me according to their trust. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disempowered in relationships in which each one’s trust of self depended on the other; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my trust of me within and as expression of myself was an expendable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my lack of trust for me in expression of myself was something that I could do nothing about, because I did not trust myself, rather than seeing realizing and understanding that trusting me was a thing that I could learn, something I would want to learn for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on me in doing something for me in support of me in my lack of trust in me in self expression.

Great support for me in opening up this relationship between Play and Communication has been, Veno, in Wanting to Know before you Start, Journeys into the Afterlife: “And that’s another interesting point to have a look at… in your relationship to your mind, in that blind trust that you have with it, in not really asserting your authority in speaking up and standing up for yourself in your awareness more, in relation to your mind – in what you are going to accept and what not – but to start creating a new trust with yourself, with your awareness. And that new trust is going to come through your application as reality unfolds, as your life and moments open up, by your actions, by your doings: that’s the new trust that you need to start creating. That yes you are not always going to know what is going to open up; you’ve got a general idea, but there is always so much more that will open up both inside yourself and life as you allow it to unfold as fact. Then assess and reassess and adjust as you go. That’s the new way of creation that’s going to happen.”

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 457: Exploring Personal

Day 457: Exploring Personal

Personal: I’d never really looked at how I had defined, been living out, this word. It seems that I’ve been content with it functioning as assumption, that it was clear, distinct, as a tool with which to draw a line, define a boundary, justify an area of privacy, and yet I see now also how within this it had just a single function, I had not asked the question of who I was alone with me within and as this word; what that actual content was within that was just a vague assumption. A question such as this marks the outset of a journey, not with expectation of an immediate end in the form of an instant answer, but with more instead an exploration of what is it that is contained with the word.

Even since I was a little child, those memories are still there: such as moments in a garden with impressions of a checkered clover lawn, no more or less intimate for me than the feelings of my toes within my socks and in my sandals, or that experience of me quietly within myself while all around the movements of the wind amongst the branches of the trees would come and go, build up and fade away, and then break through again, from a different angle, with a different feeling of the air, a different brushing of a coolness on my arm; and yet still that quietly being within myself experience remains, way back when, and now; that intimate within me and without me overlap where everything both intimately near and deeply far into the world, is reflecting my relationship to me and me to it, where sometimes within the experience of that, there is no boundary. That is how it is sometimes in waking up, with my body stretching out all ways to the horizons of my bed and the even sense of gravity pressing down, defining how the contours of my body rest, and so I enter into specificity.

Describing what is personal in personal experience, I clutch at straws, like as if those straws were movements, movements deep within me, movements I am accustomed to and recognise as me, as an everyday unconscious, with personal as an accepted automation, that personal within things all the time at every moment of the day, unremarked, un-noted, like the being within and as integral to it all, and yet when faced, intangible, lost within the myriad relationships to everything. And yet, not lost: but more, displaced; I mean with clutching at a straw, I clutch a realisation, and though that realisation remains as yet still undefined, I have it in my grasp, and write it.

The image of a garden gate comes up in me: just a simple gate that opens with a latch. Opening up the world of Personal, I am looking here at an example; at a memory of a quiet moment as I walk along, a moment that I would just normally walk right by the details of; that leaf perhaps, a generous spread of leaf that sways horizontally from its stalk, above its shadow on a patch of grass, just a life besides the gate, an aspect and a passing moment of this local world, through which I tread, reflecting back to me my own reflection, and yet my own reflection is to me, just incidental, while who I am within this isness is focused on a task, I am going to fetch some water. That single footstep in my day, along with all the thousand others that get filtered out of memory, out of record or remark, there is no time in all the world for sharing that. And yet not giving me the time in those small moments to consider who I am and how I am towards and in these things accumulates like a personal unconscious.

Going microscopic further emphasises this, all those tiny moments of that personal familiarity that go by even in a moment without the question of who I am reflected in this stream of things; they kind of wrap around me and support me, and hold me steady in my world.

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life