Day 449: The word Loss

 

A bit of a Pandora’s box this one: a world of self-manipulation, competition, jealousy, self-treachery, opened up for me as an aspect of my own as-is reality, in looking at the question of how I had defined and lived out Loss.

It is in the nature of judgement that definitions are imposed onto other beings; it is a form of arrogance: one assumes a righteous knowingness of others, and then asserts this knowing, claiming that they are this one thing or that one thing in absolute. That I made the choice to simulate and to embody such a form of consciousness, and in so doing, apply it to myself, it had the consequence of my living out of definitions of myself that were absolutes, I became within me the assertion that who I was could not be changed. Within this starting-point I see at once the very source of a depression: that if who I am cannot be changed, the belief that – with learning being change – that therefore learning is impossible, except on superficial levels. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief to exist within me, and so for this belief to have played a role in the shaping my life.

In a way it was like I made a home for me from that feel-good righteousness positioning while at the same time accepting that I was the victim as subjected to the assertions I was making, such as that who I am is bad, or less-than others, of no value, worth, these were definitions of myself that my righteousness depended on. Seeing righteousness embodied and expressed by those around me, such as in the playground, I made the mistake of interpreting this as strength, and since what I really needed in myself was to develop strength it seemed to me that it would be supportive to simulate such things. It was in such mistakes of interpretation that I made these choices. In the choice of giving up on my own authority I came to see that same authority imposed upon me from the recipients of it; from seeing that authority expressed as righteousness, I became subject to it.

On listening to the recent Loss recordings in the Future of Awareness series, (114, and 115), I took some time to look into my early years in which Loss played quite a part; I’ve looked into these years quite a bit, but this time returning with the deeper question of, What was it more precisely that I had defined generally as Loss?

Much of what I had previously included into Loss was the story of the victim of it, seeing myself as being deserted, let down, being left behind, abandoned, or rejected in some way; the experience of those interpretations. In fact there were many circumstances that were outside of my control: the financial stability of my family, the decisions of my parents in the face of that, a crisis in their relationship, my father’s sudden death, the loss of house and home: a story of the sudden break-up of a family. And yet my experience within all of this was entirely my responsibility; because the experience was the play-out of how I had defined myself within it, and the thought that came up in me, and it was probably a thought that comes up into many children’s minds in situations like this, which was: [therefore] Who I am is not worth caring for. It was from out of seeing the play-out of this thought and writing out myself in self forgiveness statements, that a very different story then unfolded, not the story that I liked to tell myself, but the story of who I actually was and to some extent, still am, in telling it.

Strength from understanding; and understanding from self-forgiveness: here I stand within and as my own authority of self-investigation. And here I share some unraveling self forgiveness statements from out of the assertion of who I am as an absolute, defined as Not Worth Caring For, and looking at the specific experience of Loss that came out of this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the conclusion that came up in me at this crucial time, a definition of myself that sprang up in me from the idea in my mind that, I wasn’t worth caring for.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take this personally, that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this new situation that I was in was an expression of others’ lack of care for me, and so within that for me, a measure of my lack of worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my worth according to my judgement of whether or not that people cared for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worth according to the care for me of others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the care of others for my sense of worth. I forgive myself that I have accepted and myself to define care as something that bestows value, worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define my own worth for me as me within me but to instead trust my worth to how I saw my relationships to others from how I saw others relationships to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess others’ relationships to me, and hence my worth, by comparing their relationships to me with their relationships to others.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my assumption that I can assess my worth by observations of relationships between other people in my outside world, and drawing conclusions about the value of who I am within myself through comparison of these observations.

I forgive myself that I have limited my observations and comparisons of other’s relationships to me and other’s relationships to others to those others in my life that were significant to me: such as to my mother and my father in relationship to my siblings; such as partners in relationship to friends; such as friends in relationship to friends; such as teachers in relationship to pupils in my class.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within all of these relationships, for it to become a part of my normality for my sense of worth to be going up and down on the waves according to the moment and to the situation. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to question this or look too closely into this dependence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of what I might see if I were to look into this point of dependence in which I had put my worth into the hands of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of loss in losing people in my life and in that loss experience self pity and depression, and through becoming addicted to those emotions feared to look beyond them and see that this sense of loss was actually as well the loss of my access to an experience of self worth through what I saw as being the care of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have value only when it is plain to me that I have value in the eyes of another being, when in moments of insight I see that it is so, and my own value worth of me is released from out of the suppression. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that life itself, living, being alive without condition is actually what Value is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself instead of seeing Value as it is, to believe instead in an experience of energy in my mind as the potentiality of my value/worth, and not question why the experience would fade in time and return me into the suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt the experiences of self pity and depression as a default experience in my mind as a comfort zone of my resignation in this sense of loss, not seeing honestly within myself what it is that I have lost, not seeing that it is not the case that I am the victim, that I do not have control of how other beings are toward me, and in that, seeing myself as ‘abandoned’ or ‘left behind’, but seeing that what is real about my loss is that I do not any more get that sense of worth as supplied by others in my mind, and therefore must begin to learn how to value me, how to take responsibility for my worth, how to see my worth anew as something that I can develop, as something that I can accept for me, give to me, return to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my own authority into the hands of others that relate to me in modes of judgement, that through doing this I have come to accept definitions of myself ascribed to me, definitions of myself as absolutes, that I am this, or I am that; that I have come to relate to myself in this exact same way, settling the judgements of definition on myself in such a way that written into them is that who I am is who I am that cannot change myself, that understanding who I am is not going to help me, that written into loss – that who I am is not worth caring for – the definition of myself as – not worth – I stop the ‘therefore I won’t care for me’ – and so ignore myself, and leave myself, the same as what I see as others doing to me – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change this sense of loss into a form of spite towards myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed, extending from my definition of myself as loss, as validating my victim status, to have in my secret mind, rejoiced that I could reap from this a treasury of righteousness.

It’s not that righteousness is ‘bad’: it’s that ‘being right’ as a point of superiority is both illusory and a transient energy reward: being ‘right’ begins and ends within the mind, there is no anchorage for it in the physical reality of Life. A future of righteousness fuelled unconsciously by loss and blame is not a Life, so much as a reaction to it and against it, an ongoing argument for the mind.

 

 

 

 

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Day 448: The word Principle

 

Is it possible for the Fact of Life to be at the forefront of my everyday reality, would that be too intense, would it even be possible for me to then get on with the practicalities of my days? And is this really such an odd question, or is it that the oddness of it brings my own relationship to it into focus, seeing in the question that I keep it to the margins, taking it as granted, and then, from the premise of ‘Given that we are here in the Fact of Life, then this, then that…’we kind of lose the premise and everything becomes just only this then that and so on, it becomes an institution of Then this Then that, giving rise to groundlessness as if it were just the way things are, like living on a train that comes from, goes to, nowhere…

 

Also, looking at this question, I come to look at ‘too intense’, and the reaction of something to the effect of Holy Shit I am Alive, we are all Alive, Oh My God, can I even be aware of that and at the same time do this thing that I am doing? There is like a fear of that intensity, of realizing the profundity of the situation, while at the same time, implicit in the question, a fear of becoming lost in the distractions of the day.

 

The Fact of Life, The Principle of Life: it was from realizing that somehow and in some way I felt uncomfortable with the word Principle that I write this, and now I see more clearly that the word for me was kind of problematic, so that in saying the words ‘The Principle of Life’, that I was in some way accepting a definition of Life by the measure of this discomfort in me, by the measure of my experience within and as the word.

 

Principle: here is a word that stands within all things: the Beginning/starting-point/infrastructure/law/blueprint… and yet looking at these words that spill from Principle they do not to me describe a living thing, but more my personal way of sketching out attempts of understanding it, that maybe possibly with these and other words, I might eventually embrace it. I mean the Principle of Life must obviously be a living thing, that the Principle of Life as Oneness and Equality as What is Best for All has to be within and as itself a living thing.

 

Looking into this I see how much I had absorbed and so imprinted into me the context of religious morality, as determining the compass of the word, and with that a relationship of less-than to it. That to me a life of ‘principle’ was a life devoted to some higher thing than life itself, that the paragons of Principle were statues raised on pedestals, that the Principles were the domains of high philosophy, that for me in my early days of meeting with this word, the teachers of principle in my early years were usually coming down at me from righteousness and judgement.

 

So this is what I begin to see now within this: the nature of that vague discomfort that I sort of skirted round in writing out this word, and of sounding it. Really the discomfort of resonating my own dishonesty in how I had defined it into me, and in overlooking how I in consequence was actually living it, saying unconsciously ‘me, talking about Principle? come on’, ‘this is not me’, ’I can’t live this’, ‘who I am is less than this’; and then within my sounding of the words ‘the Principle of Life’ experiencing my own hypocrisy and my own self judgement without awareness of the detailed nature of my own discomfort, or awareness of the fact that what I had accepted and allowed in skirting round my physical experience of what I had become within this word was to limit my expression of the Principle of Life to something of the mind.

 

With Self-Forgiveness, releasing me from these as-is conditions of the word, and of my acceptance and allowance of how I’ve placed myself within it, I give myself the space now to look more at how I’d like to be, how I’d like to place this word, how I’d like to live it, how I’d like the Principle of Life to be clear within me, as an intimate part of me, recognizing the Principle of Life as a living thing and me within in it living one and equal.

 

What comes up for me as I write this are the Eqafe recordings of the Clouds: in which examples are described of the nature and extent of communications in just a single moment, within even just a handful of atmospheric substance, a group of countless living particles, organizing what is best for all both collectively and on an individual level to manifest some rain, or else to do some other thing: and using that example of that handful of the atmospheric substance, and extending it and applying it to the infinite particles of the air around the Earth, and the water substance of the Oceans, the continents, Nature as a whole, that exact same nature and extent of communication happening constantly, that we embrace as one, as the Fact of Life: within that, Principle stands out as permeating all things everywhere, my physical body one and equal, my fifty trillion cells, all universes of their own, and yet dedicated unconditionally in the name of All.

 

It’s like here in these examples coming up I am showing me how there is nowhere in physical space in which Principle is not the active, crucial, organizing element, nowhere that is not replete with particles of awareness in constant actions of adjustment and decision. The revolution in my definition/redefinition process is to turn deliberately from a definition coined in consciousness – of Principle – as preference, or as a virtue, as something morally good, superior – and my definition of myself in relation to that, as separate to that, as less than that – to Principle as an integral part of everything and everywhere – and who I am the same as All, a manifestation of that Principle, an example of that Fact of Life. In this redefinition process then there is the recognition of the Principle of Life as a living thing and of me also as a living thing in which for Principle to become a living word for me I see that I must kind of learn to merge with it.

In the process of redefining and living words, it is like deliberately making a bridge from belief in self as an isolated being to realisation of self as an integral part of the reality of living awareness.

 

Some personal Self Forgiveness statements that assisted and supported me to release some self definitions that I had been existed as and so resonating in my sounding of the word Principle:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Principle when it has seemed to me to undermine my choices and decisions taken in my self interest; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Principle as a threat to my furtherance of my self interest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my choice of giving to my consciousness directive principle by blaming principle, by judging Principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Principle within and as Morality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Morality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody a personality of reaction to Morality and hence within that to Principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other people as inferior in interpreting their stand within Morality and Principle as being examples of subservience to the system, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this for me to not see my own subservience to my mind in acting to protect my decision for the mind and for the furtherance of my self interest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to beings that stand in principle and then to judge myself and define myself as less than in my self. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Principle as the domain of intellectuals and then to compare me to other beings that I have defined as intellectual, and in that comparison, find me lacking and so judge myself as less than and define myself as less than those I see as being equal to understanding, living and defining principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Principle as something isolated, something separate from me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an isolated being in a world of isolated forms. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Principle as something that exists only in the minds of human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me in relation to the word Principle, backchats such as ‘this is not me’, ’I can’t live this’, ‘who I am is less than this’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to this backchat and in doing so strengthening my definition of myself as less-than others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress these definitions of myself that I have attached into the word Principle. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress a judgement of myself as fraudulent in speaking of the Principle of Life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see into or pay heed to the discomfort that was in me saying these words.

 

I commit myself to clear this word Principle for me; I commit myself to clear the limitations of myself that I have defined for me to live within this word. I commit myself to continue to release the energies that I have stored within this word. I commit myself to clear the Principle of Life in support of learning how to live the Principle of What is Best for All in my immediate world. I commit myself to walk the redefinition of this word Principle, and to expand myself from out of the constrictions that I have imprinted into it.

 

 

References to the permeation of communication and decision and the application of Principle within the substance of the atmosphere come from these two recordings of The Cloud in the Earth, Nature, and Weather series from Eqafe:

 

Clouds: Purpose and Responsibility

Clouds: Purification and Consequence

 

 

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Day 446: The word that is my Name

Day 446: The word that is my Name

Talking of Dimensional beings in their processes of starting to define themselves personally in who they are, The Cloud, in The Power in Your Own Name, says this:

“….what they first and foremost did was familiarize themselves with [the question]: What is my Name? The name that, yes, you may have been given, but it’s like the same with anything else, you’ve been given a name, you’ve been given a life, you’ve been given a mind, you’ve been given a body, but everyone mostly thinks that that makes you a victim to it all, but it actually places you in the greatest position of power; when you have been given something, you have it, it is here, you have the power to do something about it. And you really do; it’s all about perspective, it’s all about how you look at things. And I mean if we take it back into on a very deep existential philosophical level, if you will, in the principle of Life, that we are all inter-connected and of Life: you have given yourself this, this name, this body, this mind, this life. So it’s like you kind of ask yourself, Why? But not a why in a victimized or disempowered state – what is the More to it, what is my role position and purpose in the context of life as a whole, as a collective?”

How can it be possible to reach out for and embrace the life which so obviously I already am, when at the same time there exists as who I am my absolute acceptance of a stance of victimhood to life itself and to pre-programming, a stance I have embodied in so many forms of blame towards the all and everything of me: my name, my upbringing, my history on Earth, my generation, my perspectives of the circumstance of being here, everything of who I am, couched in blame, with a sort of focus of this all, as standing as a flame of righteousness, as the ‘I’ experience, that itself denies the obvious truth of me, that I am here, that I am of this life, that my very substance here is no different to the life I blame.

Redefining the word that is my Name: a word that I’ve been living as: first comes the question: What is in this word that I have accepted and allowed to be there, and lived, as a reference to who I am? So as to open up, gain access to, the Name I Stand in, I must firstly face within it, as with all words, what it is I’ve lived. Before I redefine myself within and as this word, what must I first release?

What would the way be, into my own name, is there an opening here for me, or am I myself the opening, my name as folded round me in this life till now, arranged to be so that I cannot simply just walk straight in. As I write the words that convey that, I remember those feelings as a child – of being seen right through – and as I look at that, I see that what I was interpreting was coming from a starting-point of accepting and allowing and so trusting who and what I was to be defined through the eyes of others, and following from that how much I then accepted and allowed myself to be a victim to a quality of mutability that I came to see as part of me.

Why that would be so in my mind would be down to fate, where in asking such a question I accepted and allowed my own mythology of being fated to this life, of being in myself of the shape of water, taking on the outline of the vessels that were imposed, by what I saw as being the perceptions of other beings around me, and the feelings that I had about this apparent circumstance were of a kind of bitterness, that I did not want to go there, or to re-experience, by looking too far into it, and so from time to time, when this why came up, I would come across a shape that I had imposed upon myself, a sort of crouching figure in the darkness by this wall of bitterness, a closely guarded secret to myself. These were aspects of the feelings of being seen right through, and how this became imprinted on my name was in closing off the openings between and in the letter hieroglyphs, both to me, and to others also. I also gave myself the trick of absolute dissociation, in which my name was like a random label that happened to be stuck to me, in which ‘that is just my name’ seemed to serve as a diversion.

Looking on the word and letters as an architecture – coming from a perspective of the world as simplified, as something less alive, something slowed down to being beyond some imaginary line of liveliness – and so from that perspective – of those letters, of my name, as a hieroglyphic formula, as an architecture, where I look upon this aspect of myself in these simple terms, and so then see in terms of having access into doors and windows or having apertures and alcoves, as a static building, having an interior, having rooms and passageways, and walls.

And this is useful for me, assisting me to open up this relationship with my name. And yet also there exist within these hieroglyphic forms, perspectives not as architectures, but as living beings, in which the hieroglyphic arms and legs are animate expressions of myself, in which the footing of a serif for example or a letter shape corresponds into expressions of my body, of my footing in the world, as an expression of my stability in standing as my name, from which I move, my starting-point of action. Both of these perspectives are intertwined, and are intertwined with a multitude of others: our receptions of these hieroglyphs in sound have become so natural that what we tend to emphasize is our experience of them as who we are within and as our responses and our understanding, such as in the act of listening to a stream of words, or in what we refer to as an act of reading, not seeing in our everyday practicality the depth of history represented by the hieroglyphs, the depth of resonance within them, and so within myself.

Here are some Self Forgiveness statements in deliberate release of these entanglements. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my name was something that was imposed on me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from an early age abdicate my self responsibility in giving away to others the power to define me: I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed the experience of when hearing my own name being spoken by others to be hearing it as a reference purely to who I am not seeing how much it resonates other people’s opinions, reactions, and projections, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absorb and incorporate other people’s definitions of me in the way they sound my name. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in hearing other people’s definitions of me that I have not seen myself, to sometimes automatically believe that they are seeing something real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust what others tell me of myself without first checking for myself what I see inside of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others in trusting others saying to me that they can see through me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for myself within and as a stance of blame to not see it, and within not seeing it, to be in an experience of being stuck in it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself within this stuckness, bitterness and disempowerment, and self-pity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to re-experience these emotions; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then avoid my own self honesty of facing in this where I am in relation to myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and so the name I stand in within and as this energy experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me the belief that people can see through each other. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through these beliefs and these self-judgements to have made my own name into something that is obscure to me, as if existing only on the surfaces of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with my own name in which I blame those who gave it to me, and through that, that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame life itself for putting this name upon me.

I commit myself to let go of these emotional relationships that I have layer on layer incorporated into me. I commit myself to free myself from these definitions. I commit myself to purify this name and through this process purify the points of abdicated self-responsibility that I have accepted and allowed to continue to exist within it. I commit myself to free my name, and to free myself to stand one and equal to my name as a name I can be proud of. I commit myself to learn to stand on a platform as myself, as my name, in the name of me, one and equal to the name of Life.

 

 

 

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Day 445: The words Elation and Dependence

Day 445: The words Elation and Dependence

A memory came up as I began my walk into the word Elation, a word that came up for me recently: the memory came from years ago, a trek into some unknown hills one night in Scotland, for various reasons, such as missing trains  and late night buses, and so I walked. An interesting effect: as the roads closed in, grew smaller, and less straight, and then turned into meandering lanes, and thence to tracks, and thence to barely even paths, so at the same time, the surrounding hills grew bigger, opened up, grew wider, darker, more remote, and as the miles went slowly by in starlit darkness I became more and more convinced that I was lost. But then the moment came along when the sun came almost bouncing up, and suddenly in those warming rays of light I could see the fields and hills and valleys all around me and in that moment I realized that I was not lost, and it was like my heart went out towards the sun in simple gratitude, and I love you were the words that coursed up through my body: here I lived the word Elation.

Now, looking on this past experience of this word, I question what it was that I was living within and as ‘I lived’: for sure there was extreme intensity, and a high of energy, in contrast with the shapeless fear and definitionlessness within and as being immeasureably in the experience of lost. That suddenly what was thrust into my world was specificity and definition and so relief of ‘knowing where I was’ all were contributory to this experience of Elation.

And yet looking at this now, especially in the light of what was shared by the Ocean, I see how I had defined the experience of ‘knowing where I am’ according to the outside world and according to the source of light, the sun. It was as if my belief of being in the hands of greater purpose had been confirmed, that in the experience of this moment that everything of me came racing up through me to acknowledge that.

So as the journey goes, I see how through this word Elation it serves me now as an outlook on religious programming that had infiltrated into my very nature: ‘knowing where I am’ dependent on projections of the outside world, as if it were a solution to the lostness in myself, that I had suddenly reached for that interpretation and had then accepted it as real.

And so the question comes of how to venture past and beyond this outlook in the hills and through this programming, which had become so much a part of me. Stepping from a point of ‘everything I thought was true is real’ as in this experience of Elation, to the point of ‘everything I thought was true is wrong’, and yet within this, ‘I am lost’ comes not as wordless feeling, but as an inspiration, as something real within me. I recognise here also many points that Jack brought up in My Second Death in a recent recording in Journeys into the Afterlife.  Not that my experience in life has been as extreme as Jack’s, but something that I realise is that questions that could lead into experiences such as Jack’s have always been for me kind of close at hand, waiting to be asked.

You could say that dependence on this religious programming had always been, and had been always known, to part of me, as a starting point of self dishonesty in which I had accepted and allowed an idea of the nature of existence as a reality, that I had the arrogance in my mind to decide on what was real and what was not. Awareness of this self-dishonesty dawning in me had added to the dissonance within the word Dependence, that experience of a negativity within the word itself. And within my experience of Elation, an experience of triumph over self dishonesty.

So to the word Dependence, my personal approach to it, in seeing how for me a negative charge exists within it, is to look here right into this negativity, seeing that in this word there is a depth to it, and so maybe see and understand the history of it, and clarify the nature of it.

This continues from the previous post, on points that came up for me, listening to the Ocean sharing realisations of some basic programming of Consciousness, and the basic nature of Religion, and the Wake-up call coming from the questioning of the base belief of a greater being ‘out there’ and so questioning the acceptance of ourselves defined within the hands of greater purpose: Up comes the question of what is my relationship to dependence on this base belief, do I really actually want to see, acknowledge, recognize that this is a belief, when in doing so my dependence on what I have accepted is exposed to me, so that then I do not have excuses for it, I cannot be the victim of it any more.

A consequence, as mentioned by the Ocean, of believing that ultimately we are in the hands of greater forces, is a kind of listlessness, an indolence, a lack of drive; that in the context of this greater purpose of the world I experience myself as insignificant. I see now how this consequence itself is adding to the difficulty of standing up and also to the experience of drag in facing that dependence on that primordial vision or belief of being in the hands of something greater, while layers of acceptance over lives and generations also add to the resistance, lives and generations shaped by this belief.

So here, within the word Dependence are histories of fear of questioning this belief, and of failing to actually grasp it, and me protecting me from ultimately, what, the imaginary consequence of questioning a program I have accepted and allowed and on which I’ve built this life. So within the word Dependence, also fear of seeing distinctly what exists within this word, and fear of letting go of the belief in who I am, defined as ultimately in the hands of ‘something greater’.

As mentioned in my story of my experience of Elation, I am not writing here about this ‘something greater’ simply as belief in God, or not, which in a way is how it manifests in world religions, but in the way that this religious programming exists within and as the very core of how I reason, how I experience myself, it exists within the very definitions of myself that I had always taken as a given, and so not seen, and also had refused to see, had feared to see, had invested in this fear as my guardian, as my protection.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a definition of and so experience of the word Elation as a victory over my own awareness of my self dishonesty, in experiencing a definition of reality that is false.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the dissonance within the word Dependence is also my awareness of my own self dishonesty, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to live dependence on my own acceptance of a world that is not real, but a programming from which to propagate a tree of consciousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of seeing this as it is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this fear to guard me from my own awareness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see my self dishonesty. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extent of questions in me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose control of questioning. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a limit on my questioning. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen if I question the basic definitions of myself that I have come to be dependent on and recognize within myself as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me a fear of a reality of Equality, in which my definitions of myself that I have lived do not exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realise what might there be for me beneath the programming of the context of ‘a greater being out there, a greater purpose.’

 

 

 

 

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Day 444: The word Acceptance

 

 

Day 444: The word Acceptance

Gratitude is the main feeling that I have in listening to the words of the Ocean. This sentence coming out like this, as I open up this writing, is interesting to me because it’s something that I might have also said long time ago when the physical ocean of the world was like to me, my personal companion. That I could just sit quietly with myself beside this vast wild presence was a constant source of wonder: in a way it was to me like a God, a symbol of Reality, and I could ground myself beside the roaring and the crashing water and a pulse that I could not quite connect with, it was a source of comfort.

And in later years when I became an adult, I would feel a yearning now and then for that, and so go check in with that same experience of being there amid the elements. And so in the event of the Ocean speaking through the Portal, I was kind of well disposed towards this being, welcoming whatever words might come. Sometimes beings come through where I have this feeling of affinity; my experience of being is kind of oceanic. The word Affinity comes up here, it becomes available in the out-play of remembering the lost connections. And for sure what the Ocean had to share about its process shone much light into my own, in which many parallels opened up, and standing out specifically for me amongst these points, the depths within the word Acceptance, showing me dimensions of this word that I had previously just glanced over.

For example, I had never with the word Acceptance, given me the space to ask the question, but what is my experience with this word, how does it feel to me, what effects does it have on me? But when The Ocean described the experience of Acceptance, I realized that yes, my experience of this is similar… an experience of a dullness… “like this dark oily substance that would ooze within me and completely cloud me from any access into my thinking, my ability to think, to question, to see direct, to step back, to realise that I have the right to essentially wait, pause, spend time for a moment and first look at whatever is presented to me, and consider all my options, all perspectives, all dimensions, and from there, first decide whether I’m going to accept or allow this and from there make a decision to act or not.”

 

It was quite soon after the Portal had opened that I began the deliberate walk of process; listening to what the beings in the Portal had to say had opened up for me extensively the wider reality of our existence, and of myself as part of it. Seeing realizing and understanding my personal responsibility in a history/life that was largely shaped by my acceptance of designs of consciousness, I tested out the tools of writing and of Self-Forgiveness, and more recently, of Redefining and Living words. The Self-Forgiveness statement of changing things that I had previously accepted and so allowed I have by now applied to many aspects of myself as I unfold the layers and reassert myself or deliberately give back the presence of myself into what I have become. And yet with what the Ocean shared in fathoming the word Acceptance, the support for me has been in seeing how I can really deepen the effectiveness of my application of the tool of Self-Forgiveness.

 

And in the case of the experience of dullness of acceptance here comes a reminder for me to sharpen up the questions, meaning that the sharpness of a question to myself as to who I really am within accepting this or that will likely bring me to a point of change; that such a question asked could actually change my own reality, it has a kind of scariness about it. Do I really dare to ask myself? Around the presence of the question forming in me, I feel a kind of holding on within me coming up, a fear of change. Here is where I know within myself that I have been depending on an acceptance of some sort, and that I must now let go of that acceptance, and of that dependence on it. How much do we all depend upon beliefs and within dependence so protect them from the risk of questions? It’s like we do not want to see that house of cards.

So many times in my life I have withdrawn from such enquiries into what is real because of such a fear, and because of all these times, it has become quite easy, I have built a layer of acceptance of myself in making such maneuvers: and within that, a tolerance for not being real with me but only playing games.

Such as in forgiveness of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears, reactions, judgements and projections and beliefs: it’s not that those forgiveness statements have been futile, and after all it’s brought me to here, and forgiveness of myself for participating in the play-outs of what I’m living as Acceptance has supported me to face the reality of myself with less reaction, though sometimes what I have accepted on top of everything has often been not to look too deeply into that acceptance.

Something that I saw looking into this was how judgements that I made had misinterpreted this ‘not focusing on what in fact I had accepted’ as me just giving up – where in my mind I thought that the correction here would be to somehow stop this giving-up – that I must do some work to strengthen me – all of which may have been true – but what I did not see was how it was that I had not really questioned the acceptance, and that I had let the belief within it stand, so that while I may have been forgiving the outplays of it, the outplays would continue to crop up wherever the belief had an opportunity to express, and so really in myself blaming me for not having the strength to finally stop these things, without clearly realizing that I had not stopped the source of them. Here is where the experience comes up in me having forgiven myself quite often for the same sorts of reactions, but not with any lasting effect, where instead of seeing that within it all I have made no approach to the underlying belief or acceptance, I have gone into instead reactions toward the persistence of the mind and judged me in my weakness in this situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am somehow and in some way in the hands of a greater force or wider purpose in the scheme of things, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea of a greater force to define me, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody this. I forgive myself that within and as this same acceptance, that I have set a limit on my own responsibility for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the absoluteness of my self responsibility, not seeing realizing or understanding that it is my fear of questioning this base acceptance in my mind on which I have built my life, and built my comfort zones. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a life in which I see myself as playing a lesser part, that I have become content with being as an observer of these greater beings.

 

The four Ocean recordings are part of the Earth Nature and Weather Series on Eqafe, quotes in this blog come from the second recording: Acceptance Decision and Action are a Single Package. There are many other aspects to these four recordings than I have mentioned in this post; this post is by no means a review of their entirety, but some points that stood out for me within them.

 

 

 

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Day 441: Scarcity and Abundance

…This succulent came into bud a couple of weeks ago, and being new to this sub-tropical climate, region, I was fascinated to realise that I had absolutely no idea at all of what form the flower would take, which was exciting in itself; so I watched the buds unfurl, and as it turned out, the flowers were these delicate pink/orange bell like forms. Looking for an image of Abundance, somewhere near at hand, this flowering of this unknown plant struck me as a good example, the Abundance of the natural world.

 

Day 441: Scarcity and Abundance

 

Scarcity is an illusion in a reality of Abundance. Many would say, But No, Scarcity is real, just look around at the state of the world, of poverty, of starvation. And yet these problems that we face are really Scarcity accepted and allowed and manufactured, systemized; for sure scarcity exists as the reality that we have together made, the reality that is awarded to it by the money system – because if scarcity can be organized then there is monetary value in it; where Abundance is defined in Wealth, Abundance has been defined and limited by Scarcity, it is not real Abundance, but Abundance as a polarity of Scarcity. In looking at these problems of the world, our very existence here, our ability to question them, to see them, to understand them, to bring solutions to them – where does this ability come from but from but the Abundance that we are, that we live as beings, that we live each day but take for granted?

The word Scarcity: seeing how often this word is present in the background of my mind, I noticed how mischievous it was, stirring up the shit, acting as a catalyst of many a bad feeling, bad experience. When I looked into it I saw how believing that Scarcity is real, when applied to love, there are the conditions for jealousy to form, for competition, hatred, and evil. Believing that Scarcity is real applied to a resource, there is clinging, possessiveness, meanness, secrecy the word has a darkening, withering effect. Believing that Scarcity is real applied to time there is impatience, hurry, then there are justifications of the cutting of such apparent luxuries of care, consideration. Believing that Scarcity is real is the same as living it, becoming it, not seeing how I had invested the reality of me into it, not seeing my responsibility in doing this, that investment of my own reality into it is a moment of standing up in and as it – as the character of scarcity, and as a catalyst of decision, action. Or sometimes not of immediate action but of a catalyst of inner feelings and emotions, such as giving my reality into perceived scarcity of understanding in another’s response, which may then accumulate into blame, and only eventually contribute to a decision, an action. The feeling of the word is like a tightening, a contraction of the middle of my body, as if a caution or a caveat was erupting in the flow of life, there is a catch, a holding of breath: it is similar to fear, it is like fear, it Scares, it is a bringer of fear. In being scared by something, there is accepted and allowed a scarcity of wellbeing, a scarcity of natural courage, a scarcity of groundedness, a scarcity of future…

So in view of all of this, what I have been practicing is, when my dark side rears up, is to look into the current situation and ask myself: how and in what way does the word Scarcity come into this? Is it that I have empowered this word as who I am by giving it my own reality? To what have I applied it? And are there points of Abundance near at hand for me to live instead? Something that I’ve found is that in focusing my mind upon Abundance, it has a releasing quality, a generosity, it comes along as a word that offers me a new alternative that puts my current niggle back into perspective.

 

 

 

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Day 437: Righteous Spite

Day 437: Righteous Spite

…continuing from previous post, Day 436: Why Am I Doing This To Me?

… here deconstructing more the mind domain of Righteousness:

I commit myself to change my relationship to backchat, such as the relationship in which I become a character of being far too busy in my mind to pay attention to these reflections, which are evolutions in a way, of points in me that I have denied as being a part of me, and so have relegated to suppression, in which far from opening awareness in me, instead, I have further buried parts of me, those parts I have judged as bad or wrong or unacceptable to me. That backchat function of my mind has become a sort of fishing expedition, testing word formations to find what elicits a reaction, and the hooks that work are developed and evolved, become more specified, and become more pointed.

In saying Fuck Off to persistent backchats: what is going on? In this scenario, and I use this word ‘scenario’, because it is like a scene of inner theatre, a projection of myself as if upon a stage, speaking to an echo of a part of me, believing in a false reality in which I am expressing spite towards a reflection of myself – in exasperation – as if losing patience with a nuisance of some kind.

I am saying Fuck Off to a nuisance part of me. Looking at this sentence I start off in attack and end up in that realization of being attacked, in those last two words when I realise and take on board my wholeness here, that all of it is parts of me – what is the feeling in me when I realise and understand that I am both the attacker and the target of my spite? Kind of gutted really. It is like a moment of experience of wholeness, but kind of inconvenient to my righteousness. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the authority of separation in my mind, through which a sense of wholeness in me has become an inconvenience to me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or appreciate how the mind is supportive in a way, by with backchat challenging this false authority.

In the scenario, the false reality, I actually want that part of me the backchat represents to be separate from me, to be as the villain of the piece, and as righteousness I assume the power to quell these nuisance backchats, and so I use Fuck-Off almost as a magic formula of suppression. I am not listening to you, go away, stop bothering me. Here within my righteousness reaction is that connection and assumption of ideas of strength and power, superiority, authority. And yet within and as this righteousness I do not see that I have actually taken the bait, have shifted into the role of having the rights of expressing spite that I’ve connected with authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in my early experiences of figures of authority wielding spite as part of their authority to have accepted and absorbed that spite as part of that authority. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am right in my interpretations that characters of superiority that resonate intensity are actually resonating spite. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that authority comes with the rights to be abusive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify being spiteful when I am trying to defend an image of myself as authority. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that if I need to defend my own authority, that it can’t be real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect myself from realising that my authority is not real by lashing out at me within my mind and lashing out at others. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how my backchat has personified my own spitefulness that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilise in protection of my self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in right and wrong as absolutes – even though I have accepted and allowed myself to see and realise and understand that right and wrong come from a starting point that is not in physical reality – I forgive myself that I have not rooted out the programming of this polarity from out of me, and let it go, but have instead allowed a righteous character to continue to exist within me, and for myself to embody righteousness, within my own relationships to me, and to allow myself to exist within and as these programs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect authority to righteousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge righteousness in other people, while not recognizing it in myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge righteousness itself. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how in the act of judgement I am in a stance of righteousness, that I am embodying righteousness in judging me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that in my endeavors to forgive myself for the judgements that I have made of me and of others, and for my proclivity of judgement, that I have not forgiven the righteousness that I have assumed in making judgements.

In judging righteousness: I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see the righteousness within me, as the starting point of judgement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody righteousness to such an extent that I am unable to see it, but only seen the consequence of this in the harm that my own judgements have done to my acceptance of myself, and the damage that I’ve done to relationships in my life.

I forgive myself that I have connected authority with righteousness and then lived out that connection, and then not seen or realized that in my inner world my own authority as me is connected also into righteousness and thence into either making judgements of myself or parts of me, or else into judging others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this righteous programming to interfere with and become a part of my perceptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought that ‘I am right’ to be a reference to an idea in my mind authority. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live authority in this way. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see and realise that my authority as me cannot be real while I am divided in myself as the polarity between superiority as righteousness and the judgements of my faults and weaknesses. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my righteousness authority as a point of strength, not seeing how strength defined like this cannot be real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret my perceptions of movements of energy accumulations in my mind as having authority, as being more than me, as being more than I can direct: I forgive myself in relation to this to have strengthened my belief in weakness as who I am, as a being kind of at the mercy of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a character of giving up from out of this relationship. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attribute my own definitions of authority to the energy accumulations within my mind, and then to fear that authority. In this game, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed a character of giving up, accepting the belief that I am weak, and justifying my weakness, or else to feed the character of righteousness in which I am lashing out at parts of me that seem to threaten my self image. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how this perception in my mind of authority as righteousness is supporting the belief in me that ‘I am weak’.

 

On the process of fear of authority: a very supportive Life Review has been published recently in Eqafe: What Your Mind Doesn’t Want You to Know about Fear of Authority.

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Day 436: Why Am I Doing This To Me?

 

Day 436: Why Am I Doing This To Me?

Belief in weakness as the reality of my inner nature rather than seeing and realizing that its starting point is an emotional perception only, functioning as a component of a design of consciousness for the purpose of containment of the living being. In the fifth part of their walk through of this design, the Atlanteans ask the question: Why would we be doing this to ourselves?

These points follow for me from the points made in the previous post, about the belief in weakness as the point of giving up amid reactions towards the energy accumulation in the mind, where these apparent ‘forces’ are derived from my own deliberate designs or simulations of strength within and as what has gradually become a righteousness foundation, my resource of feelings from the comfort zone of a personality of giving up.

Disturbing this, I realise how much of the nitty-gritty workings of this personality is merged into the comfort zone. Recently in some quite tough moments of support, it was pointed out to me some spitefulness in me that was coming from my defences of my righteousness within the claimed boundaries of ‘my’ space. Rather than just dismissing such support, trusting the perceptions that were shared with me, I chose instead to take it seriously and investigate. Something that I noticed immediately in this investigation process was how much questions from a starting point of defending a self definition actually led to nowhere, whereas my experience within asking the disturbing, stirring, provocative, tough questions, although kind of gruesome were also kind of knocking on a door to something new and real and vital in me.

So looking at the experience itself of the stance of being ‘completely and absolutely right’, and asking: What are actually the comforts that I have accepted and allowed within that? Here I realise that ‘comfort-zone’ has not really been of much use to me, within the field of my introspections, in the sense of remaining for me like a psychological technicality, describing something that exists, and yet without the life of me within it, or only a version of a me that is a specimen of kinds, acknowledging that yes I do indulge in such a way, and yet there are arrays of backdoors and conditions, where I have defined the word of comfort-zone so as not to be inclusive of my actual experience within it. As a psychological technicality I have accepted the term in a non-specific de-personalized form, ready for an idea in my mind of general scientific use.

And for this word, Use, as well, what does it imply within the personal science of me? Does ‘use’ include the movement or direction of self support? Or is Use as well deprived of purpose in the sphere of Life? Is it really and in fact Support for me to be making references to Comfort-Zone and Use when really by the way I have defined these words, there comes no shake-up, I manage things so as not to shake myself into being awake. I have set things up so there comes no question that can impinge on me.

What are the comforts of being ‘completely and absolutely right’, what are the feelings that I give myself from this? In saying to myself, yes, I am absolutely completely right, there is a feeling of strength, of firmness, within my mind, within a perception of being right I have created in my mind a stand, or stance, and to the extent of how much I have identified myself with all of these perceptions of being absolutely completely right about so many things, I see now how I have accepted and allowed a mind possession.

A ‘Mind Possession’: here, another term, somewhat clinical. If I were to define ‘mind possession’ as where I have accepted and allowed myself to live, as my home, the place where I get such feelings as ‘belonging’, a place within my life in which there is no doubt, a place within my life in which there is the experience for me of self acceptance, where I have literally merged a part of me into a group of judgements and become them, become indistinguishable from them, to myself, and derived experience of them as myself as my personal normality, then yes, both ‘comfort-zone’ and ‘mind possession’ begin to take on more tangibility, more meaning, and more accessibility. The inquiries into how and why originally in this life I felt the need to create a resource of such feelings as belonging, if not concluded here, are now open, the same with questions as to what and how could ‘home’ exist for me in any real sense, while the question within that is how does ‘home’ exist for me within myself?

Ok so notes along the way, along the journey: Just allowing me to be asking questions of myself about such things has shaken the illusion, because the illusion rests upon apparent unquestionability, that is in a way how it can contain, how it can remain unnoticed.

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Day 435: Ancient Footprints

Day 435: Ancient Footprints

 

Looking at relationship to mind – to pre-programming – I realise how I have invested into this word – a fear reaction – with preprogramming as a background of the mind – and with the prospect of a journey into it – I am having some reluctance – that familiar reluctance – as an awareness of some implicit snag. And with the word Invested coming up of Fear into the word of Preprogramming a question comes up of: What have I got to lose in my intention to forgive my preprogramming that is present in the background of my life? Is it that I was invested in a definition of myself as innocent in ‘having been’ preprogrammed, that my blaming the creators was therefore righteous, and that what I had to lose was this righteousness? This implies that what existed was a form of coziness around the issue of preprogramming, as if there were a backdoor of some kind that could be justified.

In preprogramming, the Word, in my imagination what I see is an image of a dimensional conveyor belt – a sort of retro-science-fiction/fact scenario – of Heaven as it was, recycling beings, repeating lives on Earth for the purposes of Heaven’s energy requirements – something – done unto – beings and families of soul group generations – where an individual pops up from time to time on Earth in some family or another, with limited awareness of the situation – with no awareness of a preprogrammed life design, or of a cosmic history. And though this has been so, in the past, as I understand it, it is not happening any more, and so what remains is a legacy of the ripple effect of past preprogramming as it comes, through the generations, through the parents, through the family history, through that atmosphere I breathed in daily in my childhood, in a way, like those given and accepted fundamentals in my life that became the very nature of my conception of existence that I took to be reality. And yet if I remove the blame I have to recognize that all of it was me: I have been treading in and so following my ancient footprints for what seems like an eternity.

For an exhilarating insight into the depth of history of our being and our relationships to energy, and within those relationships, our personal definitions of energy, I recommend the recent recording from Anu: How Do I Create Energy (part 2).

Also: a point that came up during this recording, that stuck out for me was this:

“When is your mind at its weakest? When you are actually in an emotional state, because there it’s bringing in all its energy charge that it’s got in a point.

So when you’re reacting in a moment, that’s when you should change: because that’s when the mind is going full force bringing out all the, let’s call its militant force, up, and if you stand like an absolute unexpected whirlwind of a tornado that just rips through the army of the mind, because you stand as a point of change, right there and then, it discharges all the energy of the point in that immediate moment, and you change.

Meanwhile everyone consciously thinks, like, if you are in a reaction you are actually at your weakest. No, that’s what your mind wants to make you think, but you’re at your strongest, that’s where you should change. It only feels difficult because your mind made you believe that you are weak. Stop believing it!”  From: How Do I Create Energy Part2

How we create an emotional energy within and around the word Weak inside our minds is explored and opened up by the Atlanteans (Part 137), and how through that, creating the belief of one being weak in relation to facing a point within the mind, or facing a challenge within your life and living experience. In this recording the Atlanteans open up the question: How does consciousness or the mind benefit through one’s acceptance and allowance of such a self belief, or such an emotional experience of being weak or weakened?

“Here in this polarity between strength and weakness in the mind it … takes the strength force in relation to the thought pattern that you’re facing, makes you believe that that strength or that force of that thought pattern is too overwhelming, is much more, is much bigger, more extensive than yourself, then the other dimension or polarity, your self very easily aligns and merges with the force or emotional energy of and as weakness, feeling weak, experiencing yourself to be weak… And in that relationship the mind thus contains you in the two primary points where we tend to fall when it comes to energy. The one, where we find it challenging to stop participation, and the other, where we very easily believe ourselves to be energy, and that to be all that we are and what we are within ourselves.” From Weakness: I am Weak.

Some Self Forgiveness statements on the self belief that I am weak:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am weak, and to have accepted and allowed this belief as part of the nature of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this self belief for so long and so frequently that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a signature and resonance of me around it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself within and as this pattern. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief in who I am as weak, as part of the nature of me to become a point that constantly comes up in me, in the midst of many a reaction that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that this is because this belief exists within my very relationship to energy. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see and realise and understand that I can stop and change my relationship to energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my perception of an energy pattern within me as being more than me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with an energy within me and then found myself in this comparison, to be less than it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief that I am weak to play a part when and as I find myself in many reactions and many kinds of energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate for example in a reaction of anger and then have accepted and allowed myself to be swept away within it because I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this belief that I am weak, that I am less than this reaction, that I cannot stand, in this moment, that I cannot simply stand and redirect this energy and change, but instead must simply let it play out. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that this pattern which I go into and get swept away into reaction depends upon my belief in weakness as who I am, that in being weak, I cannot change this pattern that I am in, when and as this pattern is unfolding. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief in weakness to become a part of me, to become a part of my normality of me, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that I am weak as part of my normality that I recognize as me, and that within and as that belief, that I cannot change my normality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief in weakness as a trigger point in giving up on me in the midst of a reaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed giving up on me in the midst of a reaction as a part of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am weak that I cannot change a pattern that I am participating in. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in going into giving up on me in the midst of a reaction to not see or realise the trigger of my belief in who I am as weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience this belief in who I am as weak as a judgement on myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this belief in who I am as weak to be hidden in my experience of judgement, to be hidden in the experience of being down on me because of who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being weak, and for not allowing myself to see that I am judging me because of this belief that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my belief that I am weak through my acceptance and allowance of a judgement of myself for being weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the shame that I have created in myself around this point of being weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look at this belief that I am weak, because I believe that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself around this point of believing that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create comfort zones around accepting the belief that I am weak, that in being weak, therefore I do not have to try, do not have to make an effort, do not have to push myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make an effort to push myself and make a stand within this programming for fear of discovering within my efforts that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that once that I have gone into a reaction, that it’s too late for me to change, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from me still further in the midst of a reaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself between a part of me that I have made strong with a part of me that I have made weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must wait for the energy to subside until I can collect myself and then forgive myself, rather than simply standing in that moment and saying no to the energy that is moving me, and redirecting it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am weak and within that to create a point of disempowerment in relationship to the energies that move within me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility for my own energy within me with my acceptance and allowance of this belief that I am weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse my lack of presence as my awareness as myself within this program in my mind with a perception of weakness.

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 434: A Simple Loophole in the Plan of Consciousness

Sharing here first a couple of extracts from the recordings, and then some openings that subsequently came to me unfolding self forgiveness statements after listening to two recent Eqafe Life Reviews: Consciousness Shift and the Death of the Physical, and Programming and the Physical.

These recordings come through the Portal spoken by a being recently passed over – a being that had during his time on Earth a super evolved consciousness – now shares with us how drastically the physical reality had been missed: through how he had defined his body, through how the words through which he’d made these definitions had upheld through his life his separation from himself and so from direct relationship to physical reality.

“The point that I am making throughout this entire recording is that there is no programming, no relationship that is interfering so much with your relationship with your physical body with real-time moments – with what is real in a moment as an experience within yourself. The only programming that’s interfered with anyone having a relationship with their physical bodies… are the bad the ugly the nasty thoughts and inner experiences and emotions that you have with your relationship with your body and this physical existence…

“…Surely, the Creators of existence didn’t want beings to have relationship with the physical bodies, because the physical bodies being the source, the life source of consciousness, of the mind, didn’t want an equal and one relationship between the being and the physical body, because if that equality and oneness would merge there would be a power surge that would happen on very deep levels within the being/body relationship and the power would therefore go essentially go to the beingness and the body, and that’s not what the creators wanted. They wanted power to go to the Mind Consciousness System. So they, rather than in any way creating relationships between the being and the body, instead, they further evolved the Mind Consciousness System: they were afraid that if they even programmed relationships between the being and the body, that those relationships could be altered and changed by the body itself or by the beingness itself on some deep level. They just instead created – no relationships – and just ensured absolute separation between the being and the body, by evolving the Mind Consciousness System. So what this means: you’ve actually got direct access to a relationship with your physical body, direct access. But what is overcomplicating it is your relationship with your Mind Consciousness System – is not even allowing you to see it. “

“…So the more difficult you are finding it to be more aware and present with your breathing, with your body, the substance and the feel of the physical, really resting in the evening, being able to have a pace in which you live in your everyday life moments – it’s simply a cross-reference of the extent to which you are still channeled into a relationship with your Mind Consciousness System.”

(Extracts from Programming and the Physical.)

When I asked myself: What is my relationship to my body? These words, ‘It’s a sack of shit’, came into my awareness:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed this thought to exist within me, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed this thought to define my relationship with my body, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this separation to exist, to interfere with my access to a direct relationship with my physical body. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a relationship to my mind within this thought, that I have chosen an interpretation of disgust, an experience from a programmed judgement and a posture of superiority, I forgive myself that I have chosen and accepted a programmed version of reality instead of a relationship to my physical body. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be content with an emotional relationship about my physical body in place of a relationship that is direct and real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this definition of ‘a sack of shit’ to exist within me. I forgive myself that having accepted and allowed this definition of my body, that I have then accepted and allowed myself to use the body as a sack of shit, allowing it to be constantly overwhelmed by all the shit that I am busy thinking in my mind and all the excitement and conflict of emotion that I generate through that thinking that I then accept and allow myself to suppress and hide within it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a bullshit answer from some thought within my mind to a question I have asked myself that is genuine and real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in consequence to listening to this backchat of my mind that I have accepted and allowed the experience of giving up on asking further: believing in this ‘sack of shit’ response I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I might find. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed reluctance in myself to look at how I’ve used the physical as a dumping ground of secret shit. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to question this. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my body as an organ of suppression for the convenience of who I am as channeled through the programs of my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the body for not being good enough to suit my expectations as and in my mind, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the body that it cannot meet the extent of my intentions as and in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a background normality in my relationship to the body of blame and irritation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a normality for me in my relationship to the physical world of my body in which I am separated from it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my own assumed superiority as the mind towards the body, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to respect the body as my vehicle, or as my slave, or as my property, and yet not respect or consider my body as a life, a living world, the source of life that gives to me this physical existence. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider that in walking out of consciousness there is nowhere else to turn to but to the source of life within me.

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life