Day 467: Magnificence and ME
The Mine Field: you will need to read the previous post that leads to this one to get more context, but here I start with some of the working and functional self definitions that I have accepted and allowed to exist within the word Me. In this part of the process of redefining ME, I continue with investigations into definitions that I have already accepted and allowed and incorporated into the word of ME, definitions that are not best for me, definitions that I have accepted and allowed through the backchats of my mind. (see Day 466)
In general terms of Consciousness, if you allow yourself to be the victim of your backchat, a victim, as in being restrained within its boundaries, you will learn to fear the consequences of expansion, of straying too far, of questioning the edicts; and then accepting and allowing such fears to become imprinted into you, a personality will emerge, neatly shaped by your reactions to the merest hints of such specific fears, as dictated by the backchat. So from generalised – functions and controls of Consciousness – I now go into more the specificity of ME, that is in how I personally furnished those general Consciousness dimensions, into the specific nature of my personal backchat, exploring more the firewalls of the taboo that I accepted to be created, the taboo of understanding, Self-Intimacy and Seeing-Into-Me.
As skated over in the previous post, an incident occurred in which the image of a mine field surfaced – showing me – sort of incidentally – in my own words the fear of walking into this, showing me that hidden in the very ground of ME, there were like these back-chat bombs, that if I were to firmly tread then I might trigger a disaster. It is through incidental words that surface in my writing, in my de-script-ion of ME, that I recognize these points of self support that come from deeper parts of me, points that somehow slip through the filters of my conscious introspections; and what I have found is that by looking further into them I see the beginnings of an honouring of self. Exactly how the words Self Honouring and Self Honesty fit into each other is still a mystery to me to unravel for myself when I am able: for now I walk as within these Journey posts towards stability in my self.
For now, the incidents of words emerging for me in support of me as I inscribe them into physical existence will serve me in my purpose of opening up the definition complexes of ME in which I have accepted and allowed myself to coexist with functions of self-squashing, self-dishonouring, self-demeaning, self-diminishing as decreed by the backchats in my mind. Here is not just to simply open them up but to deconstruct them, to stop them, and to replace them using words I choose that instead support me.
So, tentatively stepping on the ground of my specific mine field, I am now looking at the incident (see previous post) in which the word Magnificence came up almost as a primary glimpse of what this word ME could accommodate as redefined, relieved of all the strangulating mechanisms of the backchat.
And at the time of writing, thoughts came up in me of how much less-than this ME I know is in comparison to Magnificence – like, BUT how could I possibly live this word, be one and equal with it, and so in equality become it, in accepting it as a part of me?
At the time of writing there was something that I did not see – it took some days to recognize the words I wrote – that within my I-Am-Less-Than-This reaction to the word Magnifence what existed that I could not see was fear. Fear of standing as Magnificence. It was through seeing this that I saw its relationship to my other backchat – this word Magnificence had not just popped up as a random alternative to live; it existed shoved away suppressed almost as the target of my backchat; when I looked into the backchat there were fears of being exposed in self aggrandizement – self magnification – judgements of such things within myself; memories of moments of being squashed in self exuberance – fears of letting go – where I had manifested exuberant expression it had been interpreted as showing-off; where I had manifested celebration of being me it had been interpreted as self aggrandizement, or big-headeness; where in stepping out of character, I had been accused of fraud. And yes indeed such character manouveres did exist, but they were not the whole of it. Magnificence was like a driving force of my exuberance, was like the fire of my creation, and like the inspiration of my non-sequiturs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Magnificence: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and consented to the designs of consciousness to utilize this fear, to instead of standing as Magnificence, instead to subdue and diminish and misconstrue Magnificence in whatever form it might manifest in my expression – and in a way to take this word and harness it in service of my fear
…continuing next post…