Day 323: Looking at my creation of Hostility
Day 323: Looking at my creation of Hostility
Years ago I would have taken no time to consider whether or not hostility existed in me, and to without a hesitation to have gone into denial; seeing that it would not have done my self image very much good. And to consider for a moment whether or not this relationship to myself existed in how I lived in relation to this word Diligence, that, I may easily have called ridiculous, probably rejecting such a notion, out of hand, not seeing how I could even have the means to check it out.
That was before I had the tools of self exploration, and so any real knowledge of myself; I existed on opinions and beliefs about myself, that were largely in my favour, and if not, then they were subjected to meticulous denial. Looking back at this, I see how much I lived myself as in deliberate self -ignorance. As a way of life, it was a choice and then a habit of accepting and allowing that there was no solution for who I am, because to me I was certainly a problem, and so I got along with for example, an alternation of a secretive self pity, and outward bravado, implicitly believing that I had the hand that I’d been dealt, and that was that. That I could and can address these things and change them has taken me quite while to prove to myself, and to see that only I can prove these things to me, and a part of this proof has been in seeing how I have actually changed in looking at memories of how I was, sort of standing in my own shoes in a different time, in a different age.
And so with this hostility that I’ve been looking at the question of how this came up in my life, and something I saw which was very interesting, was when a person came along to show me in way how I would react in the situation of being defined by them, of having definitions asserted onto me, of being denied the opportunity to respond to these assertions, of being casted in a way within another’s script where actual other beings did not get speaking parts.
And what I saw when I looked into this personality that was being demonstrated to me was how much they needed to be right, to be on top, to protect themselves from outside contact or a different point of view, that could possibly raise a question in their mind. And although I could see these things, all the same still a part of me reacted to them, taking all this personally, and within this reaction what I realized was that I had interpreted who they were as ‘hostile’. And the temptation was to then define them as being hostile, that they needed to put me down, assert superiority and all those type of things.
And realising that this reaction moving in me was actually coming from somewhere quite deep inside me, I saw that these were issues from my early life, in the days of my development of me, when actually I was surrounded by many of such personalities, and when actually also I was looking for definitions for me in my outside world. Even in my early days, I was also aware of underlying things going on, such as being seen as a threat to an other’s narrative of themselves, and so I absorbed this also, believing then that therefore I was threatening in some way, and that therefore there was something wrong about me that would be a barrier to my being a part of, which was what I wanted. And so later on when I decided to imitate the things I saw around me I was actually making imitations of this ‘hostility’ that did not in fact exist but in my misinterpretations of these personalities, where I had turned around what was really in them protection and defences, as attack, and then as a method of control and dealing with the beings that would rove around as energies inside me, while at the same time believing in my threatening nature. Such a tangled we weave and then try to live as these young absorbent minds. So an insight came to me thanks to this being and what was being shown to me.
continuing next time…
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