I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as ‘solitude’ to participate in the fantasy of:
Boy meets Girl, a chance happening, where two paths cross, and the development of intimate relations is almost immediate, like magic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in this fantasy of two ‘like-minds’ ‘meeting’, that I have not allowed myself to see or realize that I am seeking for a system that is like the system that I have accepted and allowed as me that dwells in self deception as fear of self-intimacy, so that I do not have to fear an expectation of self-honesty in me and I do not have to ask myself why it is that I do not demand self honesty in the other, but justify this self interest as respect and care and kindness.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an existence of relationships in which what is best for all has been specifically agreed against in a mutual contract of exclusion of reality in respect of fear of intimacy, and personalities of consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as in ‘solitude’ to be posing as the ‘misunderstood’ in righteousness and blame, rather than taking responsibility for refusing to understand myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as in ‘solitude’ to be posing as the ‘unrecognized’ in righteousness and blame, rather than taking the responsibility for refusing to recognize myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as in ‘solitude’ to be seeking for recognition in relationship and affirmation that I have ‘a hidden value’, in which I am without regard of what value as me as life it is I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for definition of myself from other beings as lovable within being recognized and understood as having ‘a hidden value’, so that I can feel good about myself without ever having to recognize understand and uncover exactly what that value is as me.
Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged the experience or idea of being loved and understood and recognized as more than the reality of understanding who and what I am in intimacy with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have asked myself or to have considered how can I develop with myself a relationship of intimacy, or how can I develop understanding of myself, or how can I develop a way in which I come to recognize myself in my entirety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that intimacy with myself and understanding of myself and recognition of who I am by me in my entirety is something that can happen in an instant way, as if by magic.
I commit myself to see and realize and understand that this simple experience of myself here is not a single relationship, but the totality of all the relationships that I have made to everything. I commit myself to breathe and walk and realign these relationships that I have made, and find within each one an understanding of myself as one and equal.
Bernard Poolman: Changing the Character of the World
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