Day 476: Points of Living Self-Authority, Approval and Survival

Redefining the word Writing   (Part 5)

Points of Living Self-Authority, Approval and Survival

Redefining Words is a newly opened, clarified and implemented path of self support and self change through introspection, understanding and self forgiveness; and yet our choice with how we live the words within us is not new, it always has been here. Our abuse of words has consequently shaped our world; together we have furthered all our individual points of alienation, layer on layer we have created an absurdity. Here in redefining writing I share how I have supported me to expose for me the absurdity that I myself have lived of accepting and allowing my creation of Authority to become a constant interference of who I am at one with purpose.

While redefining Writing, many questions have come up, and around this point of asking questions, here’s another: Having asked a question in ourselves do we even know what forces we have set in motion? All of us are dowsers in a way – or is it Tao-sers? – While having questions turning over in our depths, and at the same time living out our everyday existence, we have an eye out for an answer, from the back-burners, an eye out for an understanding, for a clue, for further information, whether that be from a film we chose to watch, a snippet from a song we chose to hear, or something someone says, anything at all from out of the blue in our experience, where suddenly we recognize a significance, a moment in which that question that was asked finds some kind of a completion, or meets with a connection, and then when that happens, we choose to either look at it or not. That was how it was for me in a book that I was reading, when the word Presently came up, and I chose to look at it.

And so with Presently, the word: I ask myself what may come along, what possibilities may open up, be provided for by the dimensions of this word? With me, I ask myself because as I read the opening of a story, ‘Presently’ arrived, or had been placed in such a way that it stood out clearly in my mind as a point within itself, stood out from the run of words, as it were, with all its lights still on; and so asking this I paused the reading process to make an exploration, to trust the notion that my meeting with this word had been, if not my destination, had been necessary, supportive, had even been a possible entrance for me to find my way in redefining Authority – about which I had apprehension, had been dragging my feet. A question like, How might ‘Presently’ come into, be relevant, be a part of this question I’ve been living, as I follow through in redefining Writing?

What would be that ‘entrance’? Here for me that entrance represents the question of, How can I open up the word Authority, this point that is here, within redefining Writing; where in the process of the previous post I have come to see how much I have accepted and allowed this word Authority, with my commitment to the contents of its definition, to interfere so much with me with who I am as one with purpose, so that as I start to write, I lose my footing; there is a hitch, a knot, a lifting up, a suspension.

So here I realign myself with Purpose in this Redefinition of Writing, reaffirming for myself that I am not avoiding my meeting with the word Authority, but choose first to open up the word Presently – as if it were an Entrance.

So, to share here how ‘Presently’ came up: within the book, as I read the ‘passage’, it was, “…following a trail across the hills… Presently…the two men stood face to face…” Here is how in my reception of this sentence, ‘Presently’ resonated in me: – Presently: as quietly the moment changes. Presently: it was a day in Life. Presently: without restraint, without a past. Presently: in the way things happen, easily. Presently: within and as the manner of the presences of beings… so that in the opening of a story, the word Presently arrives, the nature of that which is both here, and is to come, the nature of a day in Life that simply is… I kind of throw together here a list of resonances, of how this word Presently came up in me as I was reading, and then seeing how through the nature of this word, the outcome of the meeting of the men as they eventually came face to face, was limitless.

Now considering how I had, in my redefinition of writing, kind of made an appointment with the word Authority, and had been feeling apprehensive about the meeting, and how it might or may be, “face to face”, I see now how Presently came as a solution for me, a way in which living presently with myself, I might approach this meeting. Something else as well: that even briefly though it was, within and as a walk through – of the resonances of Presently – I showed myself what living Presently could mean – with a sense of knowing every corner of it – as if it were my body – and that physical experience of knowing what is me – it’s like here I feel I’ve touched on what could be an outline of a redefined Authority, an Authority that exists within the living of a word. And so with this insight, a lightness came across the word Authority.

In approaching a point, in the way of how it’s done, here I show myself – with the support of Presently – a more sure-footed way in which one stays within one’s life in and as the living Presently – and kind of extending from it – so that now considering that Apprehension that I had – as an experience of instability, as fear of what might or may likely happen – that I had associated with really taking a look at and into the word Authority – I now question this connection. The word Authority, the word, the noun, is in itself quite abstract, neutral: and what I see is that the word itself is not the source of the apprehension that I felt around it. And I start to question now, rather than what is this word Authority – that I have been apprehensive meeting with – but instead to ask myself, How did I create Authority?

With this new question then I looked into my past, and I started to consider this; me in relation to the point of seeking approval, such as in my early days at school, a world in which my survival seemed dependent on it: here is where I actually created ‘authority’: in the opinions of others, in the consensus of peers, and then later with the representatives of ‘the authorities’ – where towards this ‘authority’ that I had created, I separated from it, I bonded it to my experience of apprehension, and did not question it. I was content in some way with systemizing my avoidance of it.

To take a look now at the image that I created of the word Authority – as I considered redefining it – seeing the word as a massive ugly concrete building – and me approaching it, fearing to walk up the steps and go into it – going to myself, Oh My God, now I have to redefine this place – sort of shove my body through the doors, and navigate the corridors and stairs and waiting rooms, imagining my incremental steps into my own diminishment. But in actually opening the doors of my apprehension rather than the doors of this massive Block, I see now how much the Block itself is like my systemization – sort of the Ministry of Adam Self Deception, which existed for the purpose of not seeing that I created this Authority, that I created it from a belief that also I had made, a belief in my survival being dependent on approval.

Within and as the Presently I live:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have committed myself to living out a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival was dependent on the approval of those around me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival was dependent on a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival depended on a point of what I said, of what my expression was in a moment, on a point of my behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the definitions put on me by others in order to serve the belief that my survival was dependent on approval.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a version of Authority that could only be outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and apprehension over what might happen if I were to express myself regardless of the Authority that I perceived outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having many years ago, thrown away the key to who I am, that it could never be retrieved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become resigned within and towards my experience of fear and apprehension that I connected to Authority.

In serving my belief that my survival was dependent on approval. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consolidate my commitment to this definition of Authority. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strengthen my belief that my survival is dependent on a point.

Within and as the Presently I live: I withdraw my commitment to Authority as a thing only in the world outside of me, and I recommit myself to my own authority within, within and as the words I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be nothing without being defined by others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the nothingness of my being with death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the beings around me as being ‘something’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and approved of my refusal to see that who I am as nothingness is my choice to live through words, that my responsibility within this choice is freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the words that in my judgement of myself I have asserted on to me as ‘who I am’, or ‘what I am’; within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw away my awareness of the choice I have of living words.

Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed an oversight of judgement to become an authority in my life, an authority that defines me with asserted words. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by these asserted words, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then interpret who I am through these words as labels that I have accepted and allowed to be put on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live ‘Authority’ as a defining force in which I have approved that I be victim to it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give to this defining force its own devices so that I never have to see the reality of the nothingness being, so that I never have to see my choice to be aware, to live Awareness, and live the words I choose to live.

Therefore, Presently, as I come along the path and meet Authority face to face, I commit myself to live Awareness.

…continuing next post…

 

 

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Day 475: From Me-To-Write-a-Book to Reunifying Self and Purpose

Day 475: From Me-To-Write-a-Book to Reunifying Self and Purpose

Redefining the word Writing   (Part 4)

From the lock-in of Me-To-Write-a-Book to Reunifying Self and Purpose

In redefining Writing what is opening up for me now… in looking at that point of stuckness… is seeing that stuckness as a form of bondage… because something that I find now is the literal bonds between the words Me-To-Write-a-Book, and me defined within them and by them, so that as I approach the writing what I am experiencing is myself in a state of bondage. So continuing from the previous writing, in which the feelings of ‘Trespass’ and ‘Breech of Contract’ came up in connection to stuckness and bondage, I am looking now at the bonds between these words as they exist within me, within the words: Me-To-Write-a-Book.

And it is now becoming clear that I must separate this amalgamation into its constituents: of Write, and Book, so that in doing so I can make ‘Write yourself to Freedom’ a reality. In this process I must look into the nature of that ‘Breech of Contract’, that straining of the bonds I experienced as a sense of insecurity within and around the word Write as I prepared myself to live the word in action. Perhaps as groups of words become locked together and their single function becomes a habitual self-manipulation, then gradually the words become refined in a way into a feeling, into a subtle waft of energy. It was looking into that ‘waft of energy’ that led me into this.

So in this part I go into the story of how for me the word Write was close to heart, and how I felt I needed to protect it. What was the meaning of the words I held so close within me: Me-To-Write-A-Book? I feel my way towards this early definition – because I want to look more closely at it – at what I placed within these words – what was the context in those days of how I lived out Write, who I was within the word, that still effects me and therefore still is present? How originally did I lay this out, what did it mean to me as a child, intimately within these words, Me-To-Write-A-Book, within my heart, and for my heart, and from my heart?

How can I describe the contents of this phrase, this joined up word-form? Certainly I kept it close to my heart, I protected it, and me within it; I could not afford this part of me to get defined or judged by those around me. And so, ‘dear to my heart’ were other words I lived in connection to the word-form Me-To-Write-A-Book: it is like a word of an intimate language of self, functioning in the process of my life as a single word. What was happening within myself within and as this phrase of words? It was like the moment of the opening of my heart that must and had to be protected, and being so ardently protected, it soon became closed off to me.

How had I defined this ‘Book’? As with the projection of a dreamer, both seeing not and yet obliged to see some form; as a child I focused on a solution I could hardly face, and yet not wholly turn away from – a pictured image of a book that I had written in the future – as evidence of my authorship, of my self authority. And so seeing not while at the same time obliged to see, I kept the imaged or symbolic version close to me. I cherished it, and cherishing, and living Cherish, and the experience of cherish became intertwined with Me-To-Write-A-Book: and Me-To-Write-A-Book became within me like a single word. It had a sort of imminence, not as an impending evil, but simply as a potential to be. Looking at it now I see how the experience of Cherished and of Potentiality might together become as an addiction.

What was the experience that I lived in Cherish; that something dear to me was such a comfort, that I held on to that experience of being loved? What was at the heart of that life-so-dear, was that life of me. That relationship is reflected in the word Convey (Day 472) – that had for me a physical urgency – that on the surface level manifested in my conscious mind in phrases like, ‘There is so much more to this,’ ‘The point of Life is being missed,’ ‘I must show by any means I can that there is life beneath this matrix, ‘That there is a danger of this life within being overwhelmed and trampled by the system by the march of progress…’ And yet what I could not see at the time was how much these words reflected that bondage that I cherished.

And there was a sort of triumphant spirit that I embodied in validating such perceptions of the world, in which I could utilize the urgency of Convey and commit my life path into action as a painter as an artist, and yet I did not question what exactly honestly was the nature of this triumph, of this exuberance. It is one of the effects of redefining words that those old stories of your life can suddenly open up an entirely different interpretation. There are points in which you see how rather than living words, the words as you have accepted and allowed them, have in a way been living you.

It was like I had suddenly committed to a belief that I could with a hop and a skip and a jump leap over this lock-down of the Me-To-Write-A-Book amalgamation – in which I was trapped and yet which I also held so dear – not with ‘Book’ as my written out articulation of the life that I experienced as ‘me’, as I am now beginning to redefine it, but ‘Book’ as representing that Authority that I had separated from, that Authority that seemed to oppress me, an image of my vulnerability to that authority and judgement and definition by others – that word Authority that was essentially living me. So in jumping over all of that in triumph to practice as an artist, I could celebrate yes the fact that life existed, while at the same time leave the book as closed – as an image in my mind – while that articulation of the life of me, remained within the bond, unknown to me.

Me-to-Write-a-Book, with a ‘Book’ as…with a scary definition of ’Authority’, as a field of harshness, in which I would fear experiencing vulnerability; within a field of judgement, experiencing my willingness to be defined by others, my willingness to be defined by labels, other people’s assertions of their own realities, experiencing my own judgement of myself, on seeing myself within and as such willingness… to be shaped, to be limited… these would be like the first pages of the book had I dared to open it, all those lies and self deceits that I had accepted and allowed within the word Authority. And within all of that what about my own authority as me, as the author of my book of life, as the one in the act of writing; in the harshness of this field I would experience myself resigning to the fact of there being apparently very little room for that. And so in the stuckness of the writing I would also suppress the experience of myself as angry to be living in another’s world and not my own.

I look at now how within my life I reacted to the question posed by the formulation of Me-To-Write-A-Book: such as me to write a book, or not? And what I see in relation to this, is the fact that in my life what I did was to postpone, though a million times it must have risen up as a question – to carry through, or not to carry through – and the question also: Is this that I am writing/busy with here the fulfillment of that impulse, of myself? And now also, ‘Would it be enough to deconstruct all this – in terms of being fulfilled – would I be content? And does in fact this question still remain in me?

How was I within myself towards the fact of being unable to commit, was it that I was resigned to the mystery of this apparent lack within my nature, believing that somehow I would get by, resigned before a judgement of myself, that I did not have this thing, that would make commitment possible? And as I write this question out what I see is that it was not really ‘that I did not have it in me’ to commit; it was that I already was committed – to an impossibility – of standing in front of a door, waiting through my life for it to open, while at the same time being the door itself, devoted to being closed.

It was not that I could see the impossibility of the situation, and how it was that I was trapped in this commitment. Over and over again I would justify myself within, ‘This is not the time’, ‘What I am doing now is not It’, and, ‘Maybe later, when I get the chance…’ and within these excuses also lay the statement, ‘What I am doing now is not good enough for me’, What I am doing now is somehow just a side event in the thrust of my life, in relation to my heart’s desire’, and ‘I have patience, I can be and can become this patience, but how I live within and as Convey will be eventually fulfilled…’

It seems like a leap here – into the phase of redefinition: what is happening is that reading through this written work I am amazed at how much of me is being discovered, opened up, and my thoughts go into the question of what then of the self within all this; that push within convey, that solution that once so long ago I saw for me in words, that self that now has movement in it, purpose, and something that I realise in this new experience is a unity of purpose with myself. How did I get from redefining Writing to seeing so clearly in these moments how I had separated this experience of me as me from this word Purpose?

As the redefining process opens for a word, as a word is changed, released, forgiven, it takes on for me an imminent quality, that awakening of potential, and these changes spread into connected words, in the redefining of words, one’s living through these words, the words begin to loosen up, those restrictions to their meanings start letting go, there is the transition from seeing how they have been and are defined, towards seeing how they might be redefined and what points lay behind those definitions; it is in this transition from those bonded definitions that for me this sense of imminence opens up, becoming intimations rising up in me, becoming like a tide of realization. As I redefine the words that I’ve been living in each of them that rising gathers imminence, that specifying potential of a word gradually by steps and changes getting free to be entirely in and of this world of me.

Of the significance of the process of Redefining Words, and of Writing Self to Freedom: that Significance must also come to Life, to the actual thumping of one’s Heart, like Holy Shit this really is the key, like Holy Shit that job of living me, that crucial job that I had forgotten all about in my retirement from the world of me: never before have I seen Self and Purpose as aspects of each other, never before have I experienced this point as real, as vital.

continuing next post…..

 

 

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Day 474: Redefining Writing: Evidence, Affront and Trespass

…this photo as a note…in looking up and seeing the garden here, one evening in the street light.. my projections on the natural expressions, redolent with meaning, almost as a word or phrase…

Day 474: Redefining Writing: Evidence, Affront and Trespass

.Evidence of how I have defined a word comes up in me as I am about to put that word into action.

So here, as I am about to write, I observe those moments of hovering, those moments prior to the decision to just simply go in there and do it; and for me I notice within the fear of setting down the pen onto the page – again – as if the patience were wearing thin… yes writing out – Again! – only this time staying with myself within that fear, in all its vagueness, and in the face of that impatience, to see what might exist in it; and what I notice kind of within the folds of that fear, is a feeling of Affront, as if the intention to resume the writing were the cause of it. Both at the same time really: in the feeling of Affront; of being offended, and as well the feeling of being the cause of the offense.

This is a cool discovery for me: extracting these specific words from out of what had previously been nameless, shapeless. There may be and are many other dimensions to this fear, but here is one of them.

Playing with the word Offense, the phrase ‘Uneasy sits the Crown’ comes up, and it seems apt to me as so often examples of Offense being taken involve a being with a position to defend, who has a hidden insecurity, since the ground of their authority is in some way false. Sometimes I’ve noticed offense being taken when an expectation from the other person has been unconsciously like a feeding of respect for their position, or for some other thing, so that when that feed is no longer felt to be in place, they take offense – as if their elevated rank for example had been doubted, they feel slighted; as if there had been a breech of contract.

And in ‘taking offense’, that is with me taking offense: such as in not being taken seriously: those moments in which I feel that I am deliberately misinterpreted, for the sake of a joke or a giggle, and I am unwilling to look at the possibility that I am becoming quite intense or over earnest, unwilling to see that a moment of levity could be valid, unwilling to consider that I might have strayed into a personality of some kind, unwilling to consider that I might have lost my way, unwilling to consider that what I’m seeing as an attack may actually be supportive. All of this exists within me as experience, as memories that contain that experience of being offended, taking offense. If that were not so then I would not recognize this feeling in me that comes up as I am approaching writing: I would have nothing to recognize it with.

And with the feeling of Offense that comes up, there is a fear of that feeling also, a fear of standing in it, staying with it, and also that feeling as well of having caused offense, or that possibly I might cause offence. A question here is this: by participating in this fear around Writing, what self definition am I living out, what word expression am I using for this purpose, when by participating in that fear, I validate that reaction of Offense, and I am actually being as a pest, a nuisance. Here is like the other side of it, though as I am approaching Writing they are both as one. So like in approaching Writing I am approaching the grounds of a complaint, where the complaint has been, “If not for this and that… nuisance… happening…then life would just go on and on, and on…” And so in a way the writing-ground is pre-defined within the parameters of complaint – as a kind of trespass – and the words if written down at all – are disposed towards defense – and as a trespasser, there is the feeling of causing an offense, kind of tip-toeing around on someone else’s land.

In the case of thinking that I have offended someone – and usually it’s way later – it matters to me a lot. Feeling shocked that this had happened, I go back and re-examine everything I can, with self questioning and re-runs, looking at all the angles, like was it something I said or didn’t say, something I did or didn’t do – perhaps it is not that drastic – but there is an insecurity opens up in me – and though often I do not find out if it happened or not, because times go by, and moments are gone, I think that mostly it was not real, it was usually me giving reality to something that did not happen, that is me validating a suggestion or suspicion in my mind. This is a good reminder to me of how I can be manipulated by for example someone resonating or even feigning offense, with me going into a reaction that is out off proportion, and also with the self manipulation, where that familiar doubt or feeling of having caused offense can have the result of me not going ahead with my intentions, as in the case of trespassing on someone’s land, not doing it.

Well who is it whose land I am considering to trespass in? Obviously all of it is me, and looking at the nuances within the fear of writing, all of them are also part of me: these feelings of offense and fear of them, these fears of causing an offense, who I am within and as my reactions to them, my validations of them. I take a look again at what I said about being the one who takes offense, and being unwilling to consider that I strayed into a personality of some kind, and that phrase ‘Uneasy sits the Crown’; a personality of the mind can have a sort of energetic insecurity, and that feeling of offense though rationalized into all kinds of human relationships and contexts, could also be like a survival fear of the personality itself, an expression of instability of a system.

There is part of me that is my mind, that part of me that is the mind, as all the words that I’ve been living, or existing as, and there is the part me that is the life within those words, responsible for their meaning, responsible for the nature of the mind, responsible for the automation of those words, responsible for my absence from them; so that as I develop self awareness in my redefinition process and give back to me my self responsibility it seems as if a relationship exists between myself and my programmed automation, in which largely I have kind of let things run, as in on and on and on.

There is kind of a relief in seeing that you are tied, because then there is a way forward, there is the possibility of then seeing How it works, rather than remaining in a wordless overwhelmingness in which one has become accustomed and familiar with resignation, and then such as with me, finds a positive energy for that, experiencing it as laziness… that everything’s ok, that I have time, just wait until the energy has changed…

In Breech of Contract comes up through Affront, Offense, and Trespass: words associated with crime and law, and so stemming from Authority. A personality of the mind, as a world of fraud can only function with the absence of evidence: it quavers, trembles, becomes unstable and shaky and deceptive as the lie on which it feeds is becoming likely to get written out. Within myself as both the maker and the breaker of my world of laws and contracts and dubious definitions I see now within this post these points as pushed up surface features pointing me towards who I am on deeper levels as ambiguous authority.

 

…continuing into this.. next post…

 

 

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Day 473: Writing, Fire and Brimstone and Self-Judgement

Day 473: Writing, Fire and Brimstone and Self-Judgement

 

With redefining Writing one may not see the need; the practicalities of writing as simply laying out the words onto paper or onto screen are well defined. It is when writing out the contents of our inner world that the unconscious parameters within our words assert themselves. With Writing as the physical aspect of introspection, as In ‘Writing Self to Freedom,’ writing stands as a gate, and for the gate to actually be an opening rather than a process of filtration, the word Writing needs to be clear and straight forward.

With the unfolding nature of the self-forgiveness statements it is impossible to predict where it might lead: what layers might be revealed, what programmed constructs might be exposed. Thinking in the mind – Oh Yes I get this, now I see where this is going – is for me an easy self-deception – often passing-swiftly-on seems so natural – while going back along the path that I have trodden to look again at statements that I’ve made seems like a loss.

With reference to previous post, Day 472, some Forgiveness Statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to include judgement of my self into the very fabric of the definition of the word Writing, and within that within the word Convey, and then not allow myself to look at and to expose for me that part of me as who I am as Judgement that is in the word and that is therefore in the action that I know as Writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this part of me, to secretly apply myself as Judgement to this part of me as Judgement, to be as Judgement itself looking into the glass of Judgement attempting to ignore or look around myself to make do somehow in the presence of this part of me that I am living, and to at the same time try and write around it, as if it were real that I had actually dismissed it. I forgive myself that I have participated in this self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in shame of who I am as Judgement, to within the secrecy of my mind attempt to push this part of me aside, to reject this part of me, and in doing this I forgive myself that I have been participating in the judgement that I have been rejecting. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed the Writing that is Judgement to speak out as itself, as who I am as Judgement, to speak out and be clear as Judgement so that I may see and know what Judgements I am making so that those judgements may be corrected, and so that within my definition of the word Writing I may be wholly me rather than in separation from a part of me that is self rejecting. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my own authority into the hands of this separating part of me and so become as less than and in fear of it within the act of Writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider self forgiveness of my acceptance and allowance of Judgement existing in my definition of the word Writing, with a view to simply getting rid of it, clearing it out, without consideration of this Judgement as being a part of me, or consideration of the fact that I am trying with self forgiveness to rid myself of parts of me, and so not seeing how the misalignment of judgement still remains.

Fire and Brimstone: here are two words that come up now. Who I am as Fire and Brimstone, or who I might possibly become if I allowed it, here was a part of me that I was in fear of, that Bible thumping, The End is Nigh personality; I was in fear of it because I once saw how easily I might become it, as if that roaring energy of the Wrath of God might have been contagious; and to overcome the fear I suppressed this part of me. What more precisely was involved in this manoeuvre? I mean looking back on this now I see here was the word Convey on Crack, somehow consummated in spreading the contagion. And yet that Wrath of God was an extreme form of righteous judgement and with the thumping of the Good-Book personality it was a thing I judged against extremely; this is why it was with fear and horror that I saw how easily I could become it. Having glimpsed an aspect of reality it seemed my responsibility to Convey it. Like here it seemed was the word Convey in exaltation. And here also in this Fire and Brimstone personality was Authority, my own Authority that I had horrifyingly given up to Judgement, and then done my best to stamp it down.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I alike with all other beings am seeking to express and live the Word, and that in Judgement also I have chosen to express my life, and in not seeing how in my application of this word I have been mistaken, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject that part of me within the word as if I were separate to that part of me I wanted to express.

Continuing…

 

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Day 451: Steadfast (2) In the Midst of Life, there is Life

Continuing from Day 450…

From the point of Steadfast coming up as a word to redefine and live, I come to look at now the point within it of seeing me accepting me not making my best effort.

What is my best effort – my personal, honest assessment of Best within me? Just within never having really asked this, I see how much I have relied on a version of best that I’ve defined as if through the eyes of others; and I see that very often in my past ‘do your best’ has meant to me that something less than my own personal best effort would also be acceptable, since what is or is not my best effort is only known to me within my secret mind, so, demonic snigger, there is room here for deception.

In fact do your best has sounded like good news to that cursory or chagrinned part of me that I opened up in the previous post, that part through which now I’m walking, seeing how much I’d sabotaged my opportunity to live Steadfast, I now practice Steadfast in this introspective walk, by going more diligently into the details of that sabotage, and better understanding them.

And looking at that definition in my consciousness that ‘I am not worth the effort, since I cannot change’ I see how much my effort has a secret limit to it, and ‘best’ has really just become a presentation to the world, being used for purposes of deception; so here is this word Best defined as part of me as in this personality within a drabness, not as a living word, but rather with a kind of sourness, or a sneer to it.

What sort of mediocrity do I decree for me in my creation process, applying this word as it stands like this in me to my ‘best’ potential? What could be instead of this, within the nature of this word Best as a living word, as a component of the living principle of Life, and as well a part of me realigned with who I am as Life in the midst of Life?

How to link up Best as defined by me, for me to align with the Best that is defined within the principle of life? Re-establishing for me within myself, the Principle of Life, as Equality and Oneness and What is Best for All: is seeing in my introspection what I have applied of this, or not, in points that come up in me in the moments of the day, in points I upturn in my introspections, hidden aspects of my self; that is how the compass/backbone of this principle stands behind my application of self-forgiveness, stands behind my redefinition process of myself, and of the words through which I live.

Written here, the Principle of Life expressed in words, in words of English Language; translated into symbols I can in my human consciousness understand. But how would it be defined in the words of the language of Life itself? What would be the contents of this word Best for this universal force? Would it even be a word, as such, or a living being in and as itself? What happens within me, being aware that I can as yet not answer such a question, is the opening awareness in myself of how great the force of this word Best might be, and a vision of what Best might be without the limitations I had put on it.

Just playing now for a moment with ‘The Force of Best’: what comes up in me is an image that Mykey described in Redefining Steadfast, it was the image of a ship, an ice-breaker, and a focus on the breaking chunks of ice around the bows. It was that strength, or push or force that he described which really struck me. Here was for me a new addition to an image of a ship that I had previously imagined, where my ship was much about a Steadfastness of keeping straight and upright in a stormy sea, keeping that grip, holding fast; in addition to this for me now was to focus on that force of pushing through, and then not just as the master of the ship, but as the ship itself. That image of the ice breaking apart under the impact of the ship’s bow pushing through serves me here as an image of Steadfast.

Where was such push to come from? Something that I realized when I began to redefine the word Steadfast, when asking me the question, of how I was to even set about it? …was to stay with me in my recognition of the importance of it for me, that within that recognition, to have that push of setting other things aside and give this my immediate full attention.

Exposing characters that I have embodied in my life that have acted as a hindrance to my questioning of me what is actually in fact entailed within this word Best that I have lived, as well as considering what Best might be for Life itself, have all supported me in seeing exactly how and in what way Steadfast might be possible for me, a specific change in me that I can deliberately bring about.

Seeing these foundational beliefs that I have accepted and allowed, that ‘I am not worth the effort’, and also ‘I am not worth caring for’; these have been like unconscious mantras resonating through my life. Being faithful to my judgement of my ‘worth’, I have defined ‘effort’ for my self-support accordingly aligned with these foundations.

So I see here how ‘my best effort’ has also been infected by these mantras, as well as what this word Best would become for me; so in a process of elaborating who I am within and as this disempowerment, when it comes to my self assistance and support, there is no push, well, not none, but less than I could muster. And seeing a glimpse of the actual truth of things, that I am Life in the midst of Life, carried in that glimpse is the importance to me of getting a grip on this, on this life that is actually me, and the importance to me also of my redefining Steadfastness that now I actually need and reach for. So I see here that is in this realization that I initiate that push for who I am within and as that ship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word Best as being associated only with the world of comparison and competition. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in judgement of competition and comparison. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider in myself what is Best for me, in how I have defined this word within me. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider what Best might mean for me beyond the word of competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am apparently getting away with something when I tell myself that I don’t really have to push myself to really and in fact get something done, and I respond to that belief. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘getting away with it’ in a positive energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no consequence in this, not seeing how within this that I have strengthened my belief that it doesn’t matter, that who I am within my effort doesn’t matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live the word Best according to my judgements of my worth, that within this I have accepted and allowed my best effort to be limited to my measure of my worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my best effort to be without the core of me within it; not seeing how I have secretly defined a limit to the effort that I’m making, not seeing how I have defined myself within the limit to the effort that I am willing to make for the sake of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within the phrase that anyway, I don’t matter, a form of comfort in the implication that therefore I do not have to have responsibility. I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed for responsibility to have a negative charge. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the phrase, I don’t matter, to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within me the statement that whatever I try to do, that it doesn’t matter, that if I feel uncomfortable within myself or if I’m challenged that I can put it all aside until I’m feeling like it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to the feelings that come up in me when I make an effort, that if I’m feeling good with what I’m doing then I continue with it; and that if the feelings change, then I respond immediately to my belief that anyway this does not matter, and so postpone what I’m doing, even knowing with myself that this is not my best effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own judgements of myself in failure. And that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not make my best effort then that failure that I see will not be real, because then I can come back with, well I wasn’t really trying. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within this strategy to be fighting with my mind, to be in argument with parts of me, not seeing how my actions and behaviors are being defined by my fear of my self judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I see myself in regard to my own process as being accepting that I do not push myself to walk through points as they present themselves to me in the moments of my day. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for me within those judgements definitions of myself as just being weak or tired. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see these basic programs in my mind for what they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a religion in myself in which I feel ok with remaining faithful to my judgements of myself, judgements of my worth, and then feel uncomfortable if I make an effort for myself in disregard of this religion. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the choice of remaining faithful to this religion by acting on the movements in me that come up in me as feelings.

 

 

 

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Day 417: The word Abandoned as Reality Check

Reference: Eqafe  The Atlanteans:  Abandoned.

Day 417: The word Abandoned as Reality Check

Continuing from the previous post: And here, reactions to my perceptions of a ‘Starkness’ of reality in reacting to my Form, the Structure, the Action Plan, the Entrance into physical reality, in which I have accepted and allowed myself as less than and superior to my own Action Plan, both less than and superior to Organisation, and less than my own retaliation to a Structure that I know is best for me.

It’s not that simply this approach to me in redefining who I am – is wrong – seeing that it did not work immediately – and so – therefore – Abandon that, and go find something else. It’s not like I can just slip a line of code into my mind that instantly changes everything: there is that – ‘bring a horse to water’ point – where through this process I have brought myself to the water – and yet these words with which I have defined the water: Organisation, and Action Plan, and all the words I’ve printed out for me, are all as processes of redefinition in themselves, where in each of them I have not as yet connected me to Earth. That’s what would make this Form a collection of words that are as yet inapplicable, and seem so stark and lifeless.

The word Abandoned as – Reality Check – Listening to Phillip K. Dick – in The Future of Awareness series: Where do I Start? – Listening to an individual being yes but focused through his words the combined expression of …the Collective of Dimensional Being… I imagined in my mind standing before all the beings in the universe, and all the awarenesses of everything and everywhere; and I imagined them to be as one totally pissed off with this positioning of ‘me’, that I am clinging to; angry to that point of > Enough, we cannot carry you any more, like this, it is not best for you. Not seeing immediately that the substance of that anger was actually my own, I experienced it instead as if it were projected at me, and within that I was being shown > Look to yourself. A deeper shame within me, a shame that always I would avoid, at any cost, or else defend myself against by lashing out, and be distracted in my show of righteous anger, and the shame was in me acknowledging in myself that: deep within me I do know, I am in fact aware of it, that all my protests are as nothing, a grandiose deception, and yet I am continuing to allow it so; and in allowing it, the shame remains. If there were an existential conscience then that Shame would be like a reflection of it. As a statue of myself I am for a moment looking down and seeing the nature of the plinth on which I stand, and extending from that plinth, the wasteland that I’m protecting and defending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to retaliate towards the word Organisation, and within that to retaliate to common sense, to stand as a point of arrogance, as if superior and inferior to this word in which I am in denial of the organism and physical organization that I depend upon in the organism and physical organization of this physical body, of this Earth, of Nature, of the physical organisation and organism of Life.

I commit myself to slow myself down and learn to listen to and to hear and to and respond to what I know within me is my own voice within me that is showing me what is best for me, to organize myself in alignment with the organization that I utterly depend upon that gifts me with this breath of life. I commit myself to bring self to organisation, to learn to respect myself within and as Self Organisation, and to let go of my retaliation towards myself through which I see and realise and understand this point of sabotage in my journey into Life.

 

 

continuing next post…

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Day 414: Abandon Definitions 2

Day 414: Abandon Definitions 2

Reference: The Atlanteans: Walking through the word Abandon.

Self Forgiveness on definitions of me within and as my personalization of the word Abandon

In forgiveness of my mother, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blacked out her reality from me with layers of incrimination and insinuation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold an image of my mother in my mind from a starting point of judgement. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present an image of my mother to the world in the context of blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize this image of my mother in my mind as a way to not see my responsibility for me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish guilt onto her, that she may carry the burden of her abandonment of me.

I forgive myself that through this means that I manifested a reality in which I was unable to see her any more. Therefore in consideration of my mother as a human being I support myself in releasing me from this Abandoned construct, through giving back to me gratitude and appreciation of her, and perspective of her strength in her commitment.

I forgive myself that I justified a life as a lie for me in my own interest, by casting her in the part of the one who did bad to me, by making up a narrative of myself within and as this definition of myself in which I lived my part in service of the word Abandon.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see how my forgiveness of myself within the point of who I saw her as within my mind would then enable me to through that forgiveness, release myself by then releasing her in my forgiveness, and so release the memories that I had not accepted or allowed myself to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the word Abandon, and I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the reality that those memories might expose, memories that would attest to her commitment, to her strengths, to her many qualities, as evidence that would undermine my position as Abandoned, my rightness in my judgement starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thus locked me up into my narrative of who I am within the word Abandon.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the abandoning one, living out abandonment as a relationship with myself.

 

continuing next post…

Support for All at Desteni

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Day 402: Walking with SOUL: the word Dispute

The Word: Dispute (more information gathering)

  

Stepping from the drawing, and the drawing board and thence onto the building-site: physical things don’t go just this way and that way; there is always so much more involved, things that weren’t apparent in the plans and intentions.

 

Such as learning to bring the structure of a method into one’s own living life, and here specifically, with my intention to walk the structure of the method of Redefining and Living Words, where in stepping forth into a Walking phase, a new release of information unexpectedly comes up, and I see and trust that further exploration of the content of the word as it exists inside me will be supportive.

 

So it’s here now to keep a reference to the precise direction of the plan, while at the same time taking into account the reality of the terrain, where through how the word unfolds, I come to opening up more primary relationships within it, coming to a realization of a fact that I had concealed within me, of how what exists within this word for me has also in it a point of acceptance and allowance of a hatred for who I am as anger within and as the word Dispute.

 

With this realization – where I left of writing – late into the night – was one of those look into the abyss moments – of seeing to what extent this word had permeated and shaped my life, had become a part of the structure of my relationship and so experience of who I am in relationship to groups, starting with relationships to family and a record of a sort of rites of passage situation in a way in which the child takes on the family system, and rather than negotiation, there is friction.

 

Aha, the word Negotiation comes! I mean yes Negotiation would be a pretty cool thing to have around me, in my presence as I stand within the word Dispute, where in negotiation there is reference to common ground. In negotiation there is consideration of both self and other. And for me another plus within the word Negotiation is how it can be applied in simply physically negotiating paths and ways to go, as in negotiating the terrain: it is a word that already has this grounding in the physical dimension.

 

Looking at the word Negotiation, I am grateful for all its syllables, for its stability, and placing it next to the word Dispute, I see how fast the word Dispute has been for me, like open and shut, and black and white, a belief that in Dispute I must speed up, that entering the word Dispute I reference memories of emotional experience, feelings of uselessness within a turmoil of squabbling with siblings, feelings of insecurity that came along with my simulation of my father’s construct of authority, fear of a communication breakdown with my mother for whom causing her to feel upset was a serious offence. The most serious offence in a way, in my mind, because in seeing how she withdrew herself from me, in reaction to me, I accepted and allowed a hatred of this part of me.

 

 

…continuing next post…

 

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
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Day 401: Walking with SOUL: the Word Dispute

Walking with SOUL

The Word: Dispute

It comes as a change in me to see how the word Dispute is simply a word, having cleared a whole experience that was in it, that I had attached to it, and then lived by: that was through a whole process of looking at how I had defined myself in relation to it, and a clearing process in the sense of self forgiveness and release of the energies. See recent posts. It’s not that this is complete and absolute, there are probably other layers that will come up.

But now, walking with SOUL, I am going to share a redefining process: for me this means an exploration of the question, How can I , How do I want to,  now live this word – in this body – rather than as an emotional trigger – because I can see where that has led me – and how can I support myself with extending who I am within and as this word into my being into my physical, and all of me.

And what else can I find within this word, that could actually be something new for me, because for sure not hearing was a part of it, and so also, not seeing, and I can see now that what I called the understanding of this word was not real. I mean, it was not an understanding as such really, much, but more a familiar and routine experience of programs that I referred to in my mind as understanding.

Things I found in my relationship to Dispute seemed to involve quite a lot, the ground: an image of walking on egg shells, quietly steering round the conflict, avoiding it, fear of losing ground. And a lot of fear: fear of what effects those frequencies of Dispute might have on me, fear of losing control within a fear of escalation that was, brought back to me, a fear that  I would not be able to resist the temptation to shift into an attacking mode, and then go experiencing an aftermath of judgements onto me for losing it.

Egg shells maybe, but also more like a mine-field in a way, because the word Dispute containing suppressed anger is quite an unstable thing to bring to a situation that I have defined as a dispute. How I put my feet down on the ground, what my grounding is, where is my stability: these all are questions that would arise from this. And yet why not bring stability and grounding into the word Dispute?

So even though there may remain a tendency for anger, lets make some room for other things as well – because it’s not that the anger itself is either wrong or bad, but that my relationship towards it is full of negative judgements and negative inferiorizing definitions of myself, in which I have in fact taken part in hating me for being the way I am, and so suppressed this part of me, as these expressions of myself in anger.

And writing this, a memory comes up that shows me where for example as a child in Dispute I make a stand before my family, I am standing as a change of character in a way, defining who I am – not to go into the negative reactions that came up around this –  which I did take personally – but it shows me how Dispute was then defined by me as my stand of definition, there was the pleasure of for the first time learning to articulate myself, and learning to stand as an expression of me.

 

Ok I’ll leave it here for this post till the next.

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
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DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 355: Standing and Reunion

Day 355: Standing and Reunion

 

Those Failure programmings: that in letting go of constructs that I had consented to and hence walked a toleration of who I was within them, as contained within the experience of Failure, the Word, what I found surfacing within me was a series of dreams that were like in summary me expanding into different experiences of Reunion. Here were further confirmations coming up of how I had gone into separation from people that were here in my life and how I had walked paths away from these relationships and into rejection of myself within them and from them, and so on an essential level what I realized was how I had begun on walking a path of Reunion with myself. Or showing myself rather, that now I have given myself the opportunity of doing so. And I do so choose this.

 

Fascinating how the strike of lightning bolts of self judgement and self definitions made in judgement and shame can mutate the branching or the splitting of the tree as it were of a life. With the possibility of access of Self Reunion there follows out of this: Ok I can now step out of this my old relationship with this my physical body, and so begin to make a new relationship that stands within forgiveness and equality. That realization was also the glimpse of tangibility in Honour, like in opening the door to a possibility of a unity of self expressed within and as a different language.

 

I am aware of here that what I am writing out are simply reflections of potential, but what is real is that in redefining me in Diligence, in support of me, and continuing to do so, that through redefining for me a path to walk myself is in a way a How-To for me to support my own expansion, and what comes up next is more a What-to word that is in Challenge. In continuing to walk Diligence, it becomes more ingrained as a blueprint for me as I start walking other words that have been existing in me, buried in some way, within for example this word Challenge, and within that, what I have extracted so far, is the word Drive.

 

Where what discovery of self that I made in opening up the word Failure, the most essential in this was my refusal to accept myself in seeing me for real in not standing for me in personal relationships where obviously I had chosen to go for expressions of self dishonesty as a personality, but rather than supporting me in asking for forgiveness or giving to me forgiveness of myself, and so stood with me in seeing this mistake, I had chosen instead to walk a path of separation and walking-out-on self and others, where the entirety of my mistake in choosing to embody this personality had then remained as protected and justified and where possible directed into blame of the other person. So it is that through the self forgiveness of these layers of Failure that these points both of Standing and Reunion kind of re-emerge within me.

 

… Continuing the process of walking Challenge, next post …

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime”