Day 377: Egg Shells, and Guilt
Not wanting to be here – in the hot spot – wanting to disappear through the floor, wanting to run away, not wanting to move; all of those conflicting messages that are in the actual muscles ready to be activated and enacted. Removing layers of guilt I become aware of that walking-on-eggshells experience in my legs and feet: a sort of juddering of hesitations, and in the touching of the ground a tentative commitment.
What could be just a simple physical flow of walking and transitions of the body weight, seems full of interferences, so that with my ongoing processes of investigation of these layers of guilt, I also kind of gently push my intention of simply walking for me as me down through my legs and feet and into a different relationship or meeting with the Earth, and in this walking exercise, sometimes I have to stop for a moment because I realise that through some thought distraction that I have once again allowed the walking habit to take over, so it’s a breathe, come back, and be here simply moment, and so continue into the next step.
There is not only the peeling off of layers of guilt from the past, as in debunking false premises and foundations of structures I have lived, but there is also ongoingly the stopping of creation of new layers, such as in not any more listening to the backchats and responding to them in the habitual cycles of the construct, where having blamed the world that I have become like a trespasser in it, and in being as guilt I stand with this belief: about my nature, that who I am is inherently wrong or bad, that my step upon the Earth is therefore not legitimate.
Within this practice of my walking there is also this new point for me: that being moved by emotion I have not learned yet who I am directly in a way that would simply move my legs and walking as an exercise of self support. For me there is a ‘It’s a new day in existence’ sort of context in the lifting of these layers, being unsure what exactly that it is beneath addictions to the guilt, beneath the premise of this badness nature, that I have so invested in and exploited, and made a system out of: and at first it was a leap into, Well, therefore I must love myself, respect myself, see me in the context of so many lives, thoughts like that, and yet looking at the word Love I question is this even really the word for what it is? How can I make that assumption when I have not lived this word for me as me?
And yet what I know is within my body is a lifting of spirits, a relaxation of the diaphragm, a more expansive breath and breadth, the possibility of seeing myself in a new light, with a new respect. So there is like this looking at the new day in which I am not sure exactly how I’ll go along, where it might lead to, what might happen, like it’s kind of in a way a different world, a lighter one, a new dispensation, a new relationship to the physical body, and through that, to the world, literally a new day on Earth. So a new day also within a question to myself that contains a new potential of What shall I do now in the world that is not the same to me, where I see that I have lived this sentence that has been a sentence of abuse that seemed at one time to me according to my understanding of my mind, as the only way to go, rather than, What shall I do within this separation that I have accepted and allowed, how shall I be me in what I do, in how I am with me, in how I walk into this world, into this physical phase of my existence.
Continuing next post…
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