Day 446: The word that is my Name

Day 446: The word that is my Name

Talking of Dimensional beings in their processes of starting to define themselves personally in who they are, The Cloud, in The Power in Your Own Name, says this:

“….what they first and foremost did was familiarize themselves with [the question]: What is my Name? The name that, yes, you may have been given, but it’s like the same with anything else, you’ve been given a name, you’ve been given a life, you’ve been given a mind, you’ve been given a body, but everyone mostly thinks that that makes you a victim to it all, but it actually places you in the greatest position of power; when you have been given something, you have it, it is here, you have the power to do something about it. And you really do; it’s all about perspective, it’s all about how you look at things. And I mean if we take it back into on a very deep existential philosophical level, if you will, in the principle of Life, that we are all inter-connected and of Life: you have given yourself this, this name, this body, this mind, this life. So it’s like you kind of ask yourself, Why? But not a why in a victimized or disempowered state – what is the More to it, what is my role position and purpose in the context of life as a whole, as a collective?”

How can it be possible to reach out for and embrace the life which so obviously I already am, when at the same time there exists as who I am my absolute acceptance of a stance of victimhood to life itself and to pre-programming, a stance I have embodied in so many forms of blame towards the all and everything of me: my name, my upbringing, my history on Earth, my generation, my perspectives of the circumstance of being here, everything of who I am, couched in blame, with a sort of focus of this all, as standing as a flame of righteousness, as the ‘I’ experience, that itself denies the obvious truth of me, that I am here, that I am of this life, that my very substance here is no different to the life I blame.

Redefining the word that is my Name: a word that I’ve been living as: first comes the question: What is in this word that I have accepted and allowed to be there, and lived, as a reference to who I am? So as to open up, gain access to, the Name I Stand in, I must firstly face within it, as with all words, what it is I’ve lived. Before I redefine myself within and as this word, what must I first release?

What would the way be, into my own name, is there an opening here for me, or am I myself the opening, my name as folded round me in this life till now, arranged to be so that I cannot simply just walk straight in. As I write the words that convey that, I remember those feelings as a child – of being seen right through – and as I look at that, I see that what I was interpreting was coming from a starting-point of accepting and allowing and so trusting who and what I was to be defined through the eyes of others, and following from that how much I then accepted and allowed myself to be a victim to a quality of mutability that I came to see as part of me.

Why that would be so in my mind would be down to fate, where in asking such a question I accepted and allowed my own mythology of being fated to this life, of being in myself of the shape of water, taking on the outline of the vessels that were imposed, by what I saw as being the perceptions of other beings around me, and the feelings that I had about this apparent circumstance were of a kind of bitterness, that I did not want to go there, or to re-experience, by looking too far into it, and so from time to time, when this why came up, I would come across a shape that I had imposed upon myself, a sort of crouching figure in the darkness by this wall of bitterness, a closely guarded secret to myself. These were aspects of the feelings of being seen right through, and how this became imprinted on my name was in closing off the openings between and in the letter hieroglyphs, both to me, and to others also. I also gave myself the trick of absolute dissociation, in which my name was like a random label that happened to be stuck to me, in which ‘that is just my name’ seemed to serve as a diversion.

Looking on the word and letters as an architecture – coming from a perspective of the world as simplified, as something less alive, something slowed down to being beyond some imaginary line of liveliness – and so from that perspective – of those letters, of my name, as a hieroglyphic formula, as an architecture, where I look upon this aspect of myself in these simple terms, and so then see in terms of having access into doors and windows or having apertures and alcoves, as a static building, having an interior, having rooms and passageways, and walls.

And this is useful for me, assisting me to open up this relationship with my name. And yet also there exist within these hieroglyphic forms, perspectives not as architectures, but as living beings, in which the hieroglyphic arms and legs are animate expressions of myself, in which the footing of a serif for example or a letter shape corresponds into expressions of my body, of my footing in the world, as an expression of my stability in standing as my name, from which I move, my starting-point of action. Both of these perspectives are intertwined, and are intertwined with a multitude of others: our receptions of these hieroglyphs in sound have become so natural that what we tend to emphasize is our experience of them as who we are within and as our responses and our understanding, such as in the act of listening to a stream of words, or in what we refer to as an act of reading, not seeing in our everyday practicality the depth of history represented by the hieroglyphs, the depth of resonance within them, and so within myself.

Here are some Self Forgiveness statements in deliberate release of these entanglements. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my name was something that was imposed on me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from an early age abdicate my self responsibility in giving away to others the power to define me: I forgive myself within this that I have accepted and allowed the experience of when hearing my own name being spoken by others to be hearing it as a reference purely to who I am not seeing how much it resonates other people’s opinions, reactions, and projections, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absorb and incorporate other people’s definitions of me in the way they sound my name. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in hearing other people’s definitions of me that I have not seen myself, to sometimes automatically believe that they are seeing something real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust what others tell me of myself without first checking for myself what I see inside of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others in trusting others saying to me that they can see through me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for myself within and as a stance of blame to not see it, and within not seeing it, to be in an experience of being stuck in it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself within this stuckness, bitterness and disempowerment, and self-pity. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to re-experience these emotions; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then avoid my own self honesty of facing in this where I am in relation to myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and so the name I stand in within and as this energy experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me the belief that people can see through each other. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through these beliefs and these self-judgements to have made my own name into something that is obscure to me, as if existing only on the surfaces of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with my own name in which I blame those who gave it to me, and through that, that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame life itself for putting this name upon me.

I commit myself to let go of these emotional relationships that I have layer on layer incorporated into me. I commit myself to free myself from these definitions. I commit myself to purify this name and through this process purify the points of abdicated self-responsibility that I have accepted and allowed to continue to exist within it. I commit myself to free my name, and to free myself to stand one and equal to my name as a name I can be proud of. I commit myself to learn to stand on a platform as myself, as my name, in the name of me, one and equal to the name of Life.

 

 

 

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Day 445: The words Elation and Dependence

Day 445: The words Elation and Dependence

A memory came up as I began my walk into the word Elation, a word that came up for me recently: the memory came from years ago, a trek into some unknown hills one night in Scotland, for various reasons, such as missing trains  and late night buses, and so I walked. An interesting effect: as the roads closed in, grew smaller, and less straight, and then turned into meandering lanes, and thence to tracks, and thence to barely even paths, so at the same time, the surrounding hills grew bigger, opened up, grew wider, darker, more remote, and as the miles went slowly by in starlit darkness I became more and more convinced that I was lost. But then the moment came along when the sun came almost bouncing up, and suddenly in those warming rays of light I could see the fields and hills and valleys all around me and in that moment I realized that I was not lost, and it was like my heart went out towards the sun in simple gratitude, and I love you were the words that coursed up through my body: here I lived the word Elation.

Now, looking on this past experience of this word, I question what it was that I was living within and as ‘I lived’: for sure there was extreme intensity, and a high of energy, in contrast with the shapeless fear and definitionlessness within and as being immeasureably in the experience of lost. That suddenly what was thrust into my world was specificity and definition and so relief of ‘knowing where I was’ all were contributory to this experience of Elation.

And yet looking at this now, especially in the light of what was shared by the Ocean, I see how I had defined the experience of ‘knowing where I am’ according to the outside world and according to the source of light, the sun. It was as if my belief of being in the hands of greater purpose had been confirmed, that in the experience of this moment that everything of me came racing up through me to acknowledge that.

So as the journey goes, I see how through this word Elation it serves me now as an outlook on religious programming that had infiltrated into my very nature: ‘knowing where I am’ dependent on projections of the outside world, as if it were a solution to the lostness in myself, that I had suddenly reached for that interpretation and had then accepted it as real.

And so the question comes of how to venture past and beyond this outlook in the hills and through this programming, which had become so much a part of me. Stepping from a point of ‘everything I thought was true is real’ as in this experience of Elation, to the point of ‘everything I thought was true is wrong’, and yet within this, ‘I am lost’ comes not as wordless feeling, but as an inspiration, as something real within me. I recognise here also many points that Jack brought up in My Second Death in a recent recording in Journeys into the Afterlife.  Not that my experience in life has been as extreme as Jack’s, but something that I realise is that questions that could lead into experiences such as Jack’s have always been for me kind of close at hand, waiting to be asked.

You could say that dependence on this religious programming had always been, and had been always known, to part of me, as a starting point of self dishonesty in which I had accepted and allowed an idea of the nature of existence as a reality, that I had the arrogance in my mind to decide on what was real and what was not. Awareness of this self-dishonesty dawning in me had added to the dissonance within the word Dependence, that experience of a negativity within the word itself. And within my experience of Elation, an experience of triumph over self dishonesty.

So to the word Dependence, my personal approach to it, in seeing how for me a negative charge exists within it, is to look here right into this negativity, seeing that in this word there is a depth to it, and so maybe see and understand the history of it, and clarify the nature of it.

This continues from the previous post, on points that came up for me, listening to the Ocean sharing realisations of some basic programming of Consciousness, and the basic nature of Religion, and the Wake-up call coming from the questioning of the base belief of a greater being ‘out there’ and so questioning the acceptance of ourselves defined within the hands of greater purpose: Up comes the question of what is my relationship to dependence on this base belief, do I really actually want to see, acknowledge, recognize that this is a belief, when in doing so my dependence on what I have accepted is exposed to me, so that then I do not have excuses for it, I cannot be the victim of it any more.

A consequence, as mentioned by the Ocean, of believing that ultimately we are in the hands of greater forces, is a kind of listlessness, an indolence, a lack of drive; that in the context of this greater purpose of the world I experience myself as insignificant. I see now how this consequence itself is adding to the difficulty of standing up and also to the experience of drag in facing that dependence on that primordial vision or belief of being in the hands of something greater, while layers of acceptance over lives and generations also add to the resistance, lives and generations shaped by this belief.

So here, within the word Dependence are histories of fear of questioning this belief, and of failing to actually grasp it, and me protecting me from ultimately, what, the imaginary consequence of questioning a program I have accepted and allowed and on which I’ve built this life. So within the word Dependence, also fear of seeing distinctly what exists within this word, and fear of letting go of the belief in who I am, defined as ultimately in the hands of ‘something greater’.

As mentioned in my story of my experience of Elation, I am not writing here about this ‘something greater’ simply as belief in God, or not, which in a way is how it manifests in world religions, but in the way that this religious programming exists within and as the very core of how I reason, how I experience myself, it exists within the very definitions of myself that I had always taken as a given, and so not seen, and also had refused to see, had feared to see, had invested in this fear as my guardian, as my protection.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a definition of and so experience of the word Elation as a victory over my own awareness of my self dishonesty, in experiencing a definition of reality that is false.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the dissonance within the word Dependence is also my awareness of my own self dishonesty, in which I have accepted and allowed myself to live dependence on my own acceptance of a world that is not real, but a programming from which to propagate a tree of consciousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of seeing this as it is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this fear to guard me from my own awareness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to see my self dishonesty. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extent of questions in me. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose control of questioning. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a limit on my questioning. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen if I question the basic definitions of myself that I have come to be dependent on and recognize within myself as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within me a fear of a reality of Equality, in which my definitions of myself that I have lived do not exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see or realise what might there be for me beneath the programming of the context of ‘a greater being out there, a greater purpose.’

 

 

 

 

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Day 444: The word Acceptance

 

 

Day 444: The word Acceptance

Gratitude is the main feeling that I have in listening to the words of the Ocean. This sentence coming out like this, as I open up this writing, is interesting to me because it’s something that I might have also said long time ago when the physical ocean of the world was like to me, my personal companion. That I could just sit quietly with myself beside this vast wild presence was a constant source of wonder: in a way it was to me like a God, a symbol of Reality, and I could ground myself beside the roaring and the crashing water and a pulse that I could not quite connect with, it was a source of comfort.

And in later years when I became an adult, I would feel a yearning now and then for that, and so go check in with that same experience of being there amid the elements. And so in the event of the Ocean speaking through the Portal, I was kind of well disposed towards this being, welcoming whatever words might come. Sometimes beings come through where I have this feeling of affinity; my experience of being is kind of oceanic. The word Affinity comes up here, it becomes available in the out-play of remembering the lost connections. And for sure what the Ocean had to share about its process shone much light into my own, in which many parallels opened up, and standing out specifically for me amongst these points, the depths within the word Acceptance, showing me dimensions of this word that I had previously just glanced over.

For example, I had never with the word Acceptance, given me the space to ask the question, but what is my experience with this word, how does it feel to me, what effects does it have on me? But when The Ocean described the experience of Acceptance, I realized that yes, my experience of this is similar… an experience of a dullness… “like this dark oily substance that would ooze within me and completely cloud me from any access into my thinking, my ability to think, to question, to see direct, to step back, to realise that I have the right to essentially wait, pause, spend time for a moment and first look at whatever is presented to me, and consider all my options, all perspectives, all dimensions, and from there, first decide whether I’m going to accept or allow this and from there make a decision to act or not.”

 

It was quite soon after the Portal had opened that I began the deliberate walk of process; listening to what the beings in the Portal had to say had opened up for me extensively the wider reality of our existence, and of myself as part of it. Seeing realizing and understanding my personal responsibility in a history/life that was largely shaped by my acceptance of designs of consciousness, I tested out the tools of writing and of Self-Forgiveness, and more recently, of Redefining and Living words. The Self-Forgiveness statement of changing things that I had previously accepted and so allowed I have by now applied to many aspects of myself as I unfold the layers and reassert myself or deliberately give back the presence of myself into what I have become. And yet with what the Ocean shared in fathoming the word Acceptance, the support for me has been in seeing how I can really deepen the effectiveness of my application of the tool of Self-Forgiveness.

 

And in the case of the experience of dullness of acceptance here comes a reminder for me to sharpen up the questions, meaning that the sharpness of a question to myself as to who I really am within accepting this or that will likely bring me to a point of change; that such a question asked could actually change my own reality, it has a kind of scariness about it. Do I really dare to ask myself? Around the presence of the question forming in me, I feel a kind of holding on within me coming up, a fear of change. Here is where I know within myself that I have been depending on an acceptance of some sort, and that I must now let go of that acceptance, and of that dependence on it. How much do we all depend upon beliefs and within dependence so protect them from the risk of questions? It’s like we do not want to see that house of cards.

So many times in my life I have withdrawn from such enquiries into what is real because of such a fear, and because of all these times, it has become quite easy, I have built a layer of acceptance of myself in making such maneuvers: and within that, a tolerance for not being real with me but only playing games.

Such as in forgiveness of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears, reactions, judgements and projections and beliefs: it’s not that those forgiveness statements have been futile, and after all it’s brought me to here, and forgiveness of myself for participating in the play-outs of what I’m living as Acceptance has supported me to face the reality of myself with less reaction, though sometimes what I have accepted on top of everything has often been not to look too deeply into that acceptance.

Something that I saw looking into this was how judgements that I made had misinterpreted this ‘not focusing on what in fact I had accepted’ as me just giving up – where in my mind I thought that the correction here would be to somehow stop this giving-up – that I must do some work to strengthen me – all of which may have been true – but what I did not see was how it was that I had not really questioned the acceptance, and that I had let the belief within it stand, so that while I may have been forgiving the outplays of it, the outplays would continue to crop up wherever the belief had an opportunity to express, and so really in myself blaming me for not having the strength to finally stop these things, without clearly realizing that I had not stopped the source of them. Here is where the experience comes up in me having forgiven myself quite often for the same sorts of reactions, but not with any lasting effect, where instead of seeing that within it all I have made no approach to the underlying belief or acceptance, I have gone into instead reactions toward the persistence of the mind and judged me in my weakness in this situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am somehow and in some way in the hands of a greater force or wider purpose in the scheme of things, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this idea of a greater force to define me, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody this. I forgive myself that within and as this same acceptance, that I have set a limit on my own responsibility for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the absoluteness of my self responsibility, not seeing realizing or understanding that it is my fear of questioning this base acceptance in my mind on which I have built my life, and built my comfort zones. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a life in which I see myself as playing a lesser part, that I have become content with being as an observer of these greater beings.

 

The four Ocean recordings are part of the Earth Nature and Weather Series on Eqafe, quotes in this blog come from the second recording: Acceptance Decision and Action are a Single Package. There are many other aspects to these four recordings than I have mentioned in this post; this post is by no means a review of their entirety, but some points that stood out for me within them.

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

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Day 442: The word Initiative

 

Day 441: The word Initiative

 

Sometimes words come up for me in a new light, or else I hear them differently as if for the first time, as if with a renewed supply from their source – from their specific natures – from their specific worlds – suddenly without the dissonance of my personal history and experience – in which I first absorbed it, accepted it, defined it, and so subsequently had been (vaguely) living it, ‘knowing’ it – and within all this, much of the work of the discovery process of Redefining words kind of happened in a moment, and so with this I experience myself in a different way, I expand into and with the word, and my life is different. It is as if I’d heard the word directly, without distraction, and hearing thus, the word becomes a gift, a valuable support.

 

Living in an age in which the words are opening, the word Initiative has been for me an example of this opening: looking down within myself at the question of who am I within and as this specific word I saw immediately a point of fire, like my own subjective cosmic bang, as in that moment when the universe comes through the needle’s eye, and out of nothingness – and so for me this word Initiative contains like a direct access into the spark of me. I’ve never come across a word like this: a word that in and of itself as the subject of some introspection, would burst so obviously into vigor, into life.

 

And yet when I ask myself, then what is my Initiative, what else is there anywhere but in myself that I can refer to? Who knows what may be found within this word for others. And yet when I look into my past, I realise that whenever I was advised to deal with a situation by ‘using my initiative’ it was always a comfort to me: I kind of knew that I would come up with something. And so I always knew that I could rely on this. The advice I found most worrying was full of detailed instruction, fraught with well meant warnings of what might happen if I did not follow them. I suppose the best advice I got was like a few pointers and the confidence of my advisor that I would find my way.

 

And so with this word Initiative, a story then began of things that happened as I walked my daily life with and as this new component, in which I was aware of who I am as this word in the very start of Action, with no reference to anything but to this phenomena of me, this nothingness with this self reliance. My personal story would involve the practical twists and turns of making things, putting things together, solving problems, I felt inspired to try new things.

 

Initiative: involves Beginning, Action, Purpose, Intention, Direction, and yet all of these expressions flow from that single point of Self. The Initiative of Desteni: so now I hear these words in this new light, a call to each of us to find our way within and through ourselves – and yet not by ourselves – there never has existed such support for us to change ourselves: the support of others sharing how this process to awareness goes for them, the support of the Dimensionals who are also sharing, speaking through the Portal, making the recordings that are Eqafe.

 

Support for All at Desteni

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Day 441: Scarcity and Abundance

…This succulent came into bud a couple of weeks ago, and being new to this sub-tropical climate, region, I was fascinated to realise that I had absolutely no idea at all of what form the flower would take, which was exciting in itself; so I watched the buds unfurl, and as it turned out, the flowers were these delicate pink/orange bell like forms. Looking for an image of Abundance, somewhere near at hand, this flowering of this unknown plant struck me as a good example, the Abundance of the natural world.

 

Day 441: Scarcity and Abundance

 

Scarcity is an illusion in a reality of Abundance. Many would say, But No, Scarcity is real, just look around at the state of the world, of poverty, of starvation. And yet these problems that we face are really Scarcity accepted and allowed and manufactured, systemized; for sure scarcity exists as the reality that we have together made, the reality that is awarded to it by the money system – because if scarcity can be organized then there is monetary value in it; where Abundance is defined in Wealth, Abundance has been defined and limited by Scarcity, it is not real Abundance, but Abundance as a polarity of Scarcity. In looking at these problems of the world, our very existence here, our ability to question them, to see them, to understand them, to bring solutions to them – where does this ability come from but from but the Abundance that we are, that we live as beings, that we live each day but take for granted?

The word Scarcity: seeing how often this word is present in the background of my mind, I noticed how mischievous it was, stirring up the shit, acting as a catalyst of many a bad feeling, bad experience. When I looked into it I saw how believing that Scarcity is real, when applied to love, there are the conditions for jealousy to form, for competition, hatred, and evil. Believing that Scarcity is real applied to a resource, there is clinging, possessiveness, meanness, secrecy the word has a darkening, withering effect. Believing that Scarcity is real applied to time there is impatience, hurry, then there are justifications of the cutting of such apparent luxuries of care, consideration. Believing that Scarcity is real is the same as living it, becoming it, not seeing how I had invested the reality of me into it, not seeing my responsibility in doing this, that investment of my own reality into it is a moment of standing up in and as it – as the character of scarcity, and as a catalyst of decision, action. Or sometimes not of immediate action but of a catalyst of inner feelings and emotions, such as giving my reality into perceived scarcity of understanding in another’s response, which may then accumulate into blame, and only eventually contribute to a decision, an action. The feeling of the word is like a tightening, a contraction of the middle of my body, as if a caution or a caveat was erupting in the flow of life, there is a catch, a holding of breath: it is similar to fear, it is like fear, it Scares, it is a bringer of fear. In being scared by something, there is accepted and allowed a scarcity of wellbeing, a scarcity of natural courage, a scarcity of groundedness, a scarcity of future…

So in view of all of this, what I have been practicing is, when my dark side rears up, is to look into the current situation and ask myself: how and in what way does the word Scarcity come into this? Is it that I have empowered this word as who I am by giving it my own reality? To what have I applied it? And are there points of Abundance near at hand for me to live instead? Something that I’ve found is that in focusing my mind upon Abundance, it has a releasing quality, a generosity, it comes along as a word that offers me a new alternative that puts my current niggle back into perspective.

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
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Day 423: Abandoned and redefining Stop

Day 423: Abandoned and redefining Stop

There is an outline sense in which I have walked this redefinition of Abandoned: that in living it, I now set off from a new place in me where I have also added to what living means to me: there is like an expansion of ‘with’ in being with me. It’s like walking this into living it is a constant process that applies to everything.

And mostly this begins with stop: and in relation to the word Stop, in a way within me there is a process of focusing on a kind of stop that has no energy, that this stop is in a way already an expression of that wholeness of me – rather than expression of an emergency command and ‘must’ and ‘have to’ shouted out in capitals – that had become a default setting – but simply stop as the essence of stop, stop and breathe and let that tension go, and then reset positioning – with this whole part of me – to what I’m doing here – within all of this there is a new kind of breath, my back straightens up, and with regard to a point deep within my neck, I can practice this letting-go of that expression of arrogance, and within that or at the source of that an experience of righteousness – and as well as that, let go of a world that did not exist, so it’s like this stop and breathe reset that I am practicing at the moment.

Within this I find these sort of anxious moments on the threshold of this shift, kind of residual backchat, that I have let go of this… lost something, something important, that I need to get back to, something forgotten.. all the old beguilements of Abandoned, this world of fear and anguish and exigency, where I have lived and had my being, where I realise now, from who I am within this context of Exigency using ‘STOP’ is useless. So it’s also like a call for patience in clearing who I am within evoking Stop.

Living Strength in Decision to be Born, owning that decision – regardless of where and how I came to it – in time and space – that it is made – and from here looking at a world that was in fact impossible – like how could I believe that an alternative could exist?

So walking my redefinition of Abandoned I begin to walk the question of: How to embrace and own Decision to be Born. Seeing this as both a starting point and a starting point of action. How to nurture, cultivate this as a fibre into my being, how to implement and practically bring that through the movement like as in being present at the source of for example the extension of my arm. Where right now in that physical muscle stretching relaxation reset experience sensation it is like I am practicing the opening of the doors to that experience of me.

 

Continuing next post…

 

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Day 422: Abandoned and Decision to be Born

Continuing here from the previous posts: walking a personal process of redefining Abandoned with reference to  Eqafe’s Atlanteans series Abandoned

 

From previous post… a memory… of a walk, ‘years ago’, setting off to stand beside tree, and to look around perspectives from its crag, to feel the way the wind comes up this valley….

It seems rather odd to look upon the information that was stored of how I embodied a personality, contained within a memory of many years ago, standing on the rock of a projected world.

And seeing an outline of that design: to be and have, and be-have, a universal excuse, ready to apply at any and all moments, a sort of ideal programmed freedom, to have leisure within these layers of belief where each excuse has been tried and tested, and has the support of back-up plans, and alternative narratives and sub-plots, definition-frames, immediately at hand, for an existence of diversion, as in transfer from one comfort zone to another, and all within a constant background context of Oblivion. Oblivion: Not Born Live I On. Where I stand on the essence of who I am within and as this personality design, I project it out as the context of Existence as a whole.

Long time ago: seems to make a distance-from, but actually the physical persists through time as one: as in my body – I mean although I see that personality ‘retreat’ and my gradual embodiment into it and as it – as something in the ‘past’ – I recognize it as it exists now as part of me as well, my present life in it, and the life in it of me; where I am in the habit of referring to this personality, and in that reference to it, shifting into it.

So in the realization that in moments this is who I am as how I have accepted me to be as this design of consciousness, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and act upon my projection of Oblivion, that I have accepted and allowed Oblivion to be as a source of comfort as I accommodate the design of Abandoned in moments of reaction to my direction of myself in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have lived a denial of my own decision to be born that is manifest and evident as my existence here, so therefore I commit myself in recognizing these points of shift that I have projected on the world, to in my redefinition of Abandoned to bring with me, into this habit, my reaffirmation of my decision to be Born, to bring this decision to be born into and as a starting point of Action, to change through walking this, this default setting in my life, to bring this into my expression of myself in taking Action.

So that in practicality, when I look upon the chaos factors of the world I have created and arranged, and allowed to accumulate, that I do not shift into a fascination of it where it’s like at the same time as while there may be something for real for me to look at in this projection, I not accept this construct as an overlay of what I am physically seeing, because I see and realise how walking into this I’m walking into an experience of every reason in the world to not take action.

 

 

With reference to Habits: very cool insights here in SOUL video Habits and Change

 

 

 

Continuing next post…

 

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Day 416: Solutions of Abandon

Day 416: Solutions of Abandon

Reference: Eqafe  The Atlanteans:  Abandoned.

 

Redefining Process beginnings: towards solutions of Abandon

Walking a process through Self Forgiveness of what I have accepted and allowed of who I am within this word Abandon, I have thus enabled me to see how in my life I have accepted and allowed – with this word directing me – for it to be causing chaos. Not just where I went ‘overboard’ with an obsession, but also for example in my present world where gradually all the moments in which I put something down, in a hurry, accumulates into many moments, and so a chaos, a chaos in which things get ‘lost’, and when I look into this world around me – I mean extending out across this table and this immediate room in which I write this, I see also how I am expressed in it – in the placements of the objects – through the actions taken in moments of abandon, moments abandoned – in some kind of a rush – in which I have become very mean with giving me the Time, giving me the time for the purpose of organising things around me. And so I see now how in accepting and allowing Abandoned as a comfort zone, that ‘rush’ was more an expression of my position of superiority to Organisation, and that casting of little things aside – was like a consequence of this.

Something else that I realised was how for me, even though I had defined it in a negative way, the ‘putting of the feet down on the ground’ – I saw that this was already present – in my definition of the word Abandon, that the word Abandon had always held the opportunity for that; emerging from the process of the release of hurt and blame, I realised that it could become instead a point of deliberate action, coming from > I am Here: I put my feet onto the ground, this is what I’m going to do.

In a state of chaos, and going ‘overboard’ , then an Action Plan is not just a ‘good idea’, but sometimes it is the one and only thing that can be relied on, like – realizing that the consciousness in it’s present state of turmoil – is practically useless – then an Action Plan can be like a life-line – just as with the process of writing-out – whereas, in the Action Plan, the words relate to listing of specific tasks and things that need to get done.

The making of an action plan as the beginning of a physical process: To support myself in looking into this I made a ‘Form’, an ‘Action Plan’, designed for Organising What to Do, I printed it out, I looked at it from different angles, I handled it, I made it tangible, I made photographs of it, I brought theatrical dimensions into it, I brought myself to a place in which I could simply look at Action Plan as something in itself.

Exploring this, the words that have come up for me are: Action-plan, Action, Plan, Organisation, Steps, List – structural words that flow from out of > This is what I’m going to do. Of course, having in my mind ‘what to do’, and hearing the advice of others, ‘what to do’, and even having an action-plan of ‘what to do’, and even writing it, all of that is far away from actually doing it, doing those actions.

More on this next time…

 

 

 

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Day 415: Abandon Definitions 3

Reference: The Atlanteans: Walking through the word Abandon.

 

Self Forgiveness on definitions I have existed as and lived within the word Abandon.

AbandonShip: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and lived a narrative in my mind that was never real, a story to myself in a way to create an experience of dignity in victimhood. I remember at a time a righteous statement coming out , ‘Who me? I would never live a sob story…’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play this part unconsciously, I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to look at this.

I forgive myself that I am accepting and allowing my mind to be chastising me with accusatory backchat of shadow personalities of family programming, suggesting all the bad I’m doing by ‘leaving’ family, as I prepare to spend some time ‘away’, and though I’ve checked it out, with real people, and know it is not real, still these backchats capture my attention: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being the abandoning one, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this through the eyes of Abandon in which I am reminded of a pain, that I then project it onto others as something that I might be causing them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reacting to these backchats in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give them substance: I see now how I am showing me that in these moments of reaction, that I am still reverting to this starting point of a moment of pain with being within and as Abandon, and being in judgement of ‘abandoners’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this story at the core of all these backchats, this story of hurt: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a moment of shock in putting my feet down on the ground to be interpreted as and then remembered as a pain. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed with this programming, that others make me feel the way I do, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed from this basis, for blaming to be valid. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the word Abandon along with these components. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgements of others, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that fear to be affecting and interfering with my decisions and behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within Abandon Ship to have accepted and allowed that the ship is about to meet disaster, and that therefore everyone must go overboard. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that picture to have deserted my connection with the ship of me, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in that for me to have abandoned me, to have abandoned structure and purpose, to have accepted and allowed myself to be adrift upon an emotional sea.

 

 

continuing next post…

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Day 406: Walking with SOUL, the word Dispute (6)

 

Dispute: Communication Opportunity

 

Through my explorations of this word, as it exists in me, I have come to see how I have been misinterpreting – an opportunity of communication – through both fear of insecurity within my own authority, and fear experiences of self spite projections, generated through reactions in the word Dispute, as I had conditioned it, and lived it out.  I have written about this in recent posts…

 

There are explanations that are like structures of excuse-from-life and self-deception, and there are explanations in self honesty in which the how and why of what I have become just unfolds and shows its blueprint. Ex-plan, De-Scribe, Write.

 

With the word Dispute, I see what I have been carrying within this aspect of myself, and bringing it with me into meetings, and then in a sort of natural real opportunity of communication and creation that exists in meeting, the point comes up now of seeing how I go into an experience of disempowerment. And something that I’m seeing is how this disempowerment has become like a normalized profile part of my experience of me, blended into me, in which the decision to stay back, to not participate seems in the moment deceptively brand new, unique, appropriate and specific, and yet is the exact same decision over and over that I bring myself into this place as part of who I am.

 

So, continuing into the processes of Redefinition of Dispute, and into the Question: How in the situation of a meeting, how can I stand within awareness of communication opportunity, in the natural processes of expansion and sharing, that Communication represents, where I can stay grounded in the certainty of me, yes Ready to meet what comes, yet ready in a very simple neutral way, that, as I showed myself with Courage I could simply drop the baggage that was present in that moment, and simply move myself from out of hesitation.

 

 

With the word Attention, the question of How do I attend to things, is really an extension of common sense, and yet I had not seen that. The question of who I was within attending-to kind of went over my head each time with the word Attention, where I see now how I separated from the word Attention, from who I am within attending-to what is here, and then defined Attention as a separate state as if it were a sort of sovereign quality that could generally be applied to things. Yet in attending to some thing, some words being said, to some expression, I am aware within myself of Care as part of this attendance, and that who I am within how I am attending to this moment is not disempowered. In attending to some thing there is a sense for me in embracing what it is I see needs to be attended to. So I commit myself to when and as this word Attention comes to remind myself in common sense and respect to the root of the word what this means.

 

Defining parts of self in retaliation to authority, means that part of self is defined in Dispute, and as I’ve seen in my example of me that from a crucible of emotional insecurity and self-spite, how within the word that I became disempowered, where I had allowed my mind authority of ways and means to service my avoidance of Dispute, to systemize it even, for me.

 

So looking at this now I see how in the process of grounding the word Dispute, I can also own it more, because I have seen how my acceptance of who I am had been compromised by me through all the ways and means described in previous posts – while who I am in fact is that I stand on Earth in Dispute of the very base foundations of this world system, in Dispute of acceptance of these programming effects and consequence, in Dispute of so many things that are being maintained in physical reality, and have been through the generations, is not conflicted, is standing firmly on the ground, engaging in, or attending to Dispute – not as an emotional experience – but as a communication opportunity – maybe even tweak some change or open up something that seems to need opening – or further specify what is happening or going on in me – or add something – looking to solution – and also being at the same time attentive in consideration of the words being heard – these all are possibilities…

  

 

 

Continuing next post…

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