Day 469: The Strengthening of Honour

…this… continuing from Days 466, 467, 468…

I have been considering the general element of Shame within my backchat, and words that have emerged – through the process of my writing-out – have been first Magnificence, and then, Honour.

By the Strengthening of Honour, what I mean is getting to know more intimately this word, how I have been living it, how I might change the meaning that I’ve lived as it, in relation to it, and in separation from it, and to bring it from a vagueness and a part suppression in my mind into sharper focus, so that it might become a word that I can live deliberately at any moment.

How was it that I came to seeing this? Between one Journey Day and another – between one write-out session and the next – there is for me a period of sorting, integrating, letting go of to some extent that which has been written, letting be, letting it be flexible, letting parts to find their places in the reality of this living Me – here – I have been giving myself time, giving to myself conditions that I know would best support me in coming to solutions of what would be best for me.

Within that – I am practicing an honouring of self – I honour the nature in me, seeing that the process of coming to realisations of solutions is not for me direct or quick – but needs some time to integrate and settle –and so through a period of a week or so, what comes up in me – as if from a fresh beginning – is the realization that what I need to do now for me in support of me is to get a real and actual grasp of Honour, come to know it better, come to recognize it in others, define it in myself for me, make it tangible, all these kinds of things.

So in support of creating more of a grasp of Honour right here in this writing-out of Me, I start to use the beginnings of the definition of the word Honour that emerged from out of the word Magnificence and Magnify (day 468) of giving time to me to look more closely at what exists within me, of considering who I am towards and with and as myself within those details, within those definitions that I have accepted and allowed within this very word of ME.

So in this sense of Honouring there is a giving me of Time, where that Giving also is a key, in which I am honoured in giving time to me, in acknowledging that I am Here, that the quality of attention that I give myself is from a standing with me. To relate this new honour to the backchat (Day 466) I am looking at this question: How often in my backchat have I simulated out of judgement formulas of words and phrases to act as triggers of instant self-dismissal, of active ignorance, of exasperation, of impatience, of reasonings to justify a decision to withhold an honouring of me, and within that to be honouring instead a sense of power through bullying and punishment, and as a victim, through submission?

This question then unfolds the realization that it is not merely that I need to practice honouring of self, but to also shift the honouring that already exists within my acceptance and allowance of submission to the backchat of my mind. As and when this shaming backchat comes up in me I commit myself to slow down, to stop, to breathe, to ask myself again, what is it that I am honouring here? I commit myself to stand with me; I remind myself that this process of commitment, of standing stable for and with myself, is itself the practice of the word of Honour that I choose to live as me.

 

…continuing…

 

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Day 468: Dimensions of Magnificence

Day 468: Dimensions of Magnificence

In Etymology I found a little history of how it was that Magnify was only recently – a couple of hundred years ago or so – adapted into English as in simply ‘making bigger’, such as with a Magnifying glass; I learned that up until that time the word was more – and still is in other languages – concerned with Honouring a person or a thing. And yes there is a sense of giving Honour in looking more closely at something, considering the details, looking in to it. There is Honour in this sense of looking into Me, giving time to me to open up the details of my inner world, of considering who I am towards and with and as myself within those details, and within the question of, “Is this how I want this or that relationship to be?” there exists that honouring of me as the directive principle.

So in considering these roots of the word Magnify, I come across a new dimension of Magnificence, within this, willingness to honour self, a dimension that is much more stable than the version of Magnificence that I had previously had existing in me – which was highly energetic – like as in a spray of fireworks across the sky, or some towering deity bedecked with shining jewels, or an ineffable extreme of beauty, kind of breath-taking types of things, and massive and overwhelming and other-worldly – looking at these connotations I can see how it seemed impossible for me to actually live this word as me, one and equal with it, and also how I was content within living with this definition of myself – in a comparison – as so much less-than it.

Just as in how you can open up – apparently – a random book, and yet meet some lingering trace of you in the words you see, an enigmatic relevance, an answer to a question you had asked, or written, acting at least as a reminder to me of the extent that our awareness is infused throughout the everything in which we live, and a reminder as well of how much we are supported here if we could but see it, or but respond to it – or see ourselves within it: so also with the process of the physical writing out of self.

In considering the nature of my backchat, I came – through this process of physical writing – to be looking at this word Magnificence – and to looking at how it sort of lay disguised behind the backchat, as if it were an inspiration of it, in a negative way, to specify the backchat lines, and it seemed to me that considering this word magnificence supported me in understanding the personal design beneath the backchat, and so supporting me in understanding, to put a stop to these restraints that I had accepted and allowed within me.

So also with the general nature of the backchat as – for me- a shame induction: looking into the word Shame, what I find within this word is an experience of dis-honour, the experience of being and becoming as dishonoured, and with accepting and allowing, listening to and participating in such backchat it becomes the experience of self-dishonour.

Ok I’m going to give myself some time to digest these things: within the process of redefining the word ME, here I’m writing out the questions of: Where specifically Shame stands as the label of an energy experience of self dishonour, and so has become detached from it, to the extent that the question fades away of what has been this honouring of myself that I have broken up, walked out on, that I have in some word or deed deemed as dispensable for the sake of my survival; and where with Magnificence I have lived up to my word, such as in honouring a commitment that I made to me, a decision in support of me, a standing up for me, a giving to myself of time to consider what it is in me.

 

continuing…

 

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Day 463: My Precious

Day 463: My Precious

How it was today that I arrived here – that I made landfall in a way, as if upon a firm white beach – swept ashore by the ocean of my sleep – by the oceanic experience of words – experience as a kind of turbulence of pictures, feelings, fragments, in suspension from the words themselves – or from a single word – but from being swept and totally adrift within that turbulence, I gradually assimilate that familiar sense of no way back, no memory track into the cause of things, that word, that word that resonated my unconscious, resonating with where I am within myself, stirring up those pictured connotations, as if there were a perspective of awareness seeking to connect and show me something, a word I can’t yet face except in metaphor, presented in the fragments of a dream, fragments that recede and dissipate in the clutches of my waking mind.

And yet being comfortably stretched out on the bed, comfortable within the weightiness of rested limbs – without a need to move myself – but just to gently stretch and readjust the arms and legs – I felt no need to go into that mental clutching process that I know so well – but instead to simply stay within that weightiness of spine and limb, that simplicity of extension in my waking in my body – where still the sheet and blanket and physical sensations are slightly merged with the feelings in my body, such as where some coolness in a pocket of the sheets spreads without a boundary to become the cooling of my blood; and I move my ankle slightly into congress with that source of coolness and as well, that source of relaxation; and opening my eyes I see that still I’m in that same place in which I fell asleep, though different in that now the room is bathed in daylight and the world beyond the lighted curtains now is full of sounds of early morning. And so connecting with those sounds, carefully I swing my legs outside the bed and place my feet upon the tiled floor. That form of carefulness is for me a kind of practice; that on getting up I do not get hooked straight into the programs of my waking mind.

Sometimes words can seem so fine, and dazzling in their virtue, like these points of light by which we navigate the voyage of our lives, and yet a single point of light can make the world that is surrounding it a world of darkness. In my previous post I wrote about a point of value, a precious moment, something deeply cherished – and looking into Cherished what I found was that point of giving unto something that I would want for me: that point of being believed in, valued, cared for, that point within me, that in seeing it in others for me, it supports me in allowing it for myself, to give to me, and so to live, and so also to extend into the world. And yet that even though I stand by it, deep within me, in spite of who I am, mostly I forget it, overlook it, only come across it in a way, in a dramatic moment now and then, and so those moments I then put a value on, as if those moments were different to the other moments in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anywhere there existed a special moment, measured out in preciousness, distinctly from the other moments that are here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what kind of world that I create around this single point of light, to look around this point and see the wasteland that I have created. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see this wasteland that exists within my life, of moments tagged with lesser value, where I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the moments as less than extraordinary, and then to live accordingly.

If there did exist that ‘writing on the wall’ saying only simply ‘this is life’; could we handle it, could we even begin to get it, while believing in ourselves that, yes we already know that, not seeing how that believing in our knowing robs us of the essence of it, and so with all the moments that we know. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand beside this medium of knowledge in reference to my life and so the lives of others.

 

 

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Day 461: Enthusiasm

Day 461: Enthusiasm

Enthusiasm – within sharing the delight of a discovery in life – and in the nature of such discoveries – being each a gift for me but also those around me – where within this it is more like I am taking part in the discovery, and within this there is also an expression of Gratitude, that I can enjoy me within and as a part of Giving.

Clarifying for myself this word Enthusiasm, I begin to see now how it plied into my life; like as in a river, with me furthering and furthering a decision that I made when I was young – to make that effort, push myself to be specific, to use my time to specify those goings-on within me, to articulate those feelings, movements, shades, as much as possible; that, I realise now, was and is an expression of the why of me, to focus that responsibility, to articulate the discoveries that I made inside myself and in the outer world, and so to then express them.

That decision was in a way to go with who I am, and I accepted Enthusiasm as an aspect of it, and yet how had I defined this word? It was clear that it was my own responsibility to me to answer for myself that question of, ‘What does it mean, to live?’ and it was my decision to share what I had found. That I felt liberated within making this decision confirmed for me that it also was an expression of the why of me, I could easily own it as a natural part of me, and so accept how this would then define a path for me in life.

Youth can have such an easiness about it, sometimes: as an artist it became my purpose then to earnestly express a Joi-De-Vivre in painting, where in giving form to this enthusiasm I believed that I could start a conflagration, or at least help to tip the balance in some way to the programming that seemed rife around me. I did not see to what extent going with the gut could also be a falling into step with just another aspect of the program, and it would be another 30 years and more until the Desteni Group came together and the Portal opened; so in terms of understanding consciousness and the workings of the mind, and the significance of living out the definitions of our words, I was still at that time very much illiterate and in the dark.

So with that original decision in my life to be and to become that constant effort to specify, to articulate, to discover, it’s now for me to look into the Enthusiasm that I lived, that came up in me, on discovering and going with these motives in me, that the reward which I experienced was that there was something I could give, in celebration and affirmation of the We in our existence, that the Discovery was not for me, though it was my joy to be conveying it. That is very different to that general ‘Joi-De-Vivre’ that I saw as like a magic antidote when I was young. That Joi-De-Vivre was cool in itself and sometimes acted as cool reminder, and yet it led to, came from nowhere in a way.

So in redefining Enthusiasm I bring into it this new component – the awareness, presence, affirmation, of this reality of the We that is here – who we are as discovering this Life together, who we are as present in each other’s discoveries, who we are as empowered in and through our shared discoveries, that acting as a group we can become a single force to change this world in which we find ourselves to be.

 

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Day 460: The Unknown Eqafe Recordings

Day 460: The Unknown Eqafe Recordings

What has now become a library of previously unheard information, I mean the content of the Eqafe recordings: amongst and with those questions asked and answered also in and as Abundance, there is that glimpse of truth for which we have not asked, for which we could not ask; because beneath those layers of acceptance and allowance those key questions have become submerged, and we have till now been content with coping with their absence, accustomed to a life of exile from ourselves… a life in which those questions have no place to come from.

The Eqafe recordings: it is now some ten years since they started, yet awareness of even their existence spreads so very slowly throughout the world. We thought at first that it would spread across the net like fire, that millions would be listening to the message of the Dimensionals, to be interested in the existence of the Portal, in perspectives of our human reality, and the reality of others in our world beside ourselves for the first time coming through, and that our gratitude for an outside view of things would be shared by all, and yet perhaps it was our own enthusiasm that down-played the fact that spreading news of this would not be easy.

And in a way, my own enthusiasm messed things up because even with a glimpse of what is real I myself caught fire and went round ranting and raving, attempting to break down the walls of programming, causing those around me to back away and wonder if I might be mad; that was how inadvertently I actually strengthened the resistance.

Enthusiasm: what is in this word? Looking up the roots of enthusiasm I find literally, ‘possession by a god’, as in excitement as possession, being ‘with God.’ And while looking up enthusiasm also I noticed listed there, in the dictionary, an antonym: ‘indifference.’ I mention this within the consideration that indeed there was in retrospect a kind of madness in my ravings: I had suddenly gone into reaction to a kind of resigned indifference that I’d been living, and so swung into a polarity of that within and as enthusiastic ravings.

What is done is done; to those whom I subjected this I ask for their forgiveness; and I forgive myself; gradually I learn to walk in equanimity with myself, and to express my understandings from a grounded place inside me. If I were to redefine myself within and as Enthusiasm, I would change the word of God within it to the word of Life, because it was in the realisations that I was not in the context that I had ascribed myself as playing a role as insignificant, in the ‘greater’ scheme of things, but that actually in living I therefore was involved no less or more than Life itself. So the enthusiasm that I lived had the emotional charge of the lost within and as myself as found; and the release that I expressed was the release of that oppression that I’d been living, of that damnation that I had imposed upon myself and had so much believed in.

 

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Day 458: Play within Communication

Day 458: Play within Communication

 

What sort of images come up with the word Play: for me what comes up first are the interactions of children, with each other, with their toys; and then there is the play of Players as free-agents within the structure of a game; theatrical connotations; leisure; entertainment; coming into play, there is the playing out, the playing down, the playing along, the playing up… so much of it to do with games and gamesmanship, activities of ‘leisure’ as opposed to ‘work’, and within ‘work’ defined as a negative, so ‘play’ promoted as a positive.

So like seemingly implied in this, a mass of information about the energies within the word, how it functions in the system, and I was bedazzled by it all, in a kind of righteousness that seeing all this, I already ‘know’ what play is, so what more could I possibly find within it, and in that I did not recognize the resistance that was in me.

But now looking at the word again, this time not as something that ‘I know all about’, am ‘familiar with’, and therefore do not need to redefine it, but instead to see this word in a different way, not as a piece of knowledge and information only, but to see as well that this ‘knowing’ experience, this ‘familiarity’, represents the programming within this word, that I have accepted and allowed, and so come to trust, and that trusting of these programs is the source of confidence with which I tell myself I ‘know’ this word, and therefore do not need to spend more time on it.

How much the potential of a word is, call it crucified – as an image of the life within it, nailed upon the grid lines of the programming – within the ideas and beliefs that seem to fill it out and make it so convincing, so simplified and obvious and everyday, and yet trusting and believing in and following those grid lines only lead back to the starting-point of who I am, as convinced, as knowing, while the potential of the word is overlooked. Or else sometimes like with this, I inadvertently touched on something real, and there’s a reaction in the mind, a withdrawal really, a contraction; the hypnosis levels escalate, with the magnetism of the entertainments, the emergence of distractions even more compelling; all the various scripts that lead to Therefore Take No Action, these are like the roads to Rome.

That’s what happened to me in a way, I looked into the word and it was like a Holy Shit type moment, of seeing something there within the depths of it, and then all of a sudden I was wanting to watch some film, a series, do something else, take a break; and even though I knew that I was in extreme resistance, it did not help; because that relationship to resistance in which recognizing the experience of it, is really just recognizing me in my acceptance of it, that within and as it, I recognize myself as this giving up experience, and then label that ‘resistance.’ So within that I really disempowered myself, and within and as that disempowerment I became just merely witnessing it all. So I watched a film, and took a break and then this morning finally got back to it. Although I let this happen, still there is a steadfast trust in me I am gradually developing, and strengthening; that I will get back to it, that though I still respond to backchat such as you can’t do this, it won’t lead anywhere, it’s a waste of time, it’s kind of wearing thin. So even though I’m swept away and fall within this energy, I do get up again. So yes in redefining words there can be that startling moment in which the ground of the world shifts slightly, and there is a realization that the programs and projections that I’d been living as a word had been so severely limited, and yet at the same time I had experienced as so complete, and that it had been in that experience of completeness that I’d placed my trust.

But anyway what of that Holy Shit type moment? Imagine that you’d spent your days on Earth in front of a TV series, and the word Life had been written plain in every episode you’d seen, like a little picture of some goings-on, until one day you’d looked into this word and suddenly suspected that all the time that little picture had been surrounded by a world, only that world was impossible to see, impossible to grasp because every reference that you had to it was contained within that little picture, within the terms of it, and so what was the residual of that suspicion, but an overwhelming sense of something missing, and what exists within a sense of something missing, but the thing itself, something on the very brink of tangibility, something real, that matters.

That was something like that Holy Shit moment; a fear, that deep within this word Play for me was something of great seriousness, some essential part of me that I had missed, something Real about the way I’d lived this word, and yet not seen: what was it that even in this redefinition process that could have struck such a serious chord, the realization that beneath the programmed surfaces of fun and games, there lay a fact. And when I looked through what I’d written out I realized that the word Trust coming up for me in this context was what it was.

What the word Play represented for me as a child, which was like a creative space, a process of discovery; with my brother I would move from this to that, using whatever was at hand to ply into whatever current story we were living out, or adventure we were in, while an interruption of any kind thrown up by the circumstance of physical reality was simply taken in, adapted to and absorbed into what we were doing. Imagination and action would initiate each other in the service of the present moment, and within all of this there was a natural flexibility. So, creative space, discovery, imagination, invention, action, present, flexibility: words that I may not have known at the time but yet were already like components of what I lived within our Play: as well as this, the Play itself was also communication, and as well, collaboration.

So looking at this memory of childhood play, I could describe it as participating in a collaborative communication dialogue, in which the goal was not a fixture, but constantly changing and shifting according to what had been established in the present moment; it was like an ever branching process of discovery and invention, that was the process that I meant within the words: Let’s play…

And yet writing this and sleeping on it too, I realise as well, that these words discovery, imagination, invention were more like expressions of myself; it was more that in Play I felt free to express these parts of me, so that what defined the play itself was the presence of trust in our communications and our collaborations. This brings up the question for me of how and to what extent later in my life, with the acceptance of this absence I then defined communication itself and lived it thus, or at least had expectations of communication that had no element of play, and then come to see play itself as separate to communication. There is that ripple effect in redefining words because the words are all defined within the matrix of each other.

In a relationship between two friends, where there has been a tiff, the word exchange becomes more formal, guarded, and it takes time to heal that trust that had been simply there before; where there had been those unpredictable creations and discoveries, there are instead, unchallengeable assertions, back-ups, statements of fact, risk assessments, the world of the relationship becomes more stark; instead of being an end within itself, communication now requires a reason, and has a goal and aim, and the words themselves are depended on as programs and projections only. As in the aftermath of the tiff between two friends, where the fabric of communication has been torn, there is that dissonance that interrupted flow, there is no play, that’s like where we fall back on the mind to somehow, create communication, because we’ve lost our way in being it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that communication could still be real in a world in which my trust of me was only tenuous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could somehow get by in a world in which my expression of myself depended on relationships with others, in which I defined my trust of me according to their trust. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disempowered in relationships in which each one’s trust of self depended on the other; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my trust of me within and as expression of myself was an expendable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my lack of trust for me in expression of myself was something that I could do nothing about, because I did not trust myself, rather than seeing realizing and understanding that trusting me was a thing that I could learn, something I would want to learn for me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on me in doing something for me in support of me in my lack of trust in me in self expression.

Great support for me in opening up this relationship between Play and Communication has been, Veno, in Wanting to Know before you Start, Journeys into the Afterlife: “And that’s another interesting point to have a look at… in your relationship to your mind, in that blind trust that you have with it, in not really asserting your authority in speaking up and standing up for yourself in your awareness more, in relation to your mind – in what you are going to accept and what not – but to start creating a new trust with yourself, with your awareness. And that new trust is going to come through your application as reality unfolds, as your life and moments open up, by your actions, by your doings: that’s the new trust that you need to start creating. That yes you are not always going to know what is going to open up; you’ve got a general idea, but there is always so much more that will open up both inside yourself and life as you allow it to unfold as fact. Then assess and reassess and adjust as you go. That’s the new way of creation that’s going to happen.”

 

 

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Day 457: Exploring Personal

Day 457: Exploring Personal

Personal: I’d never really looked at how I had defined, been living out, this word. It seems that I’ve been content with it functioning as assumption, that it was clear, distinct, as a tool with which to draw a line, define a boundary, justify an area of privacy, and yet I see now also how within this it had just a single function, I had not asked the question of who I was alone with me within and as this word; what that actual content was within that was just a vague assumption. A question such as this marks the outset of a journey, not with expectation of an immediate end in the form of an instant answer, but with more instead an exploration of what is it that is contained with the word.

Even since I was a little child, those memories are still there: such as moments in a garden with impressions of a checkered clover lawn, no more or less intimate for me than the feelings of my toes within my socks and in my sandals, or that experience of me quietly within myself while all around the movements of the wind amongst the branches of the trees would come and go, build up and fade away, and then break through again, from a different angle, with a different feeling of the air, a different brushing of a coolness on my arm; and yet still that quietly being within myself experience remains, way back when, and now; that intimate within me and without me overlap where everything both intimately near and deeply far into the world, is reflecting my relationship to me and me to it, where sometimes within the experience of that, there is no boundary. That is how it is sometimes in waking up, with my body stretching out all ways to the horizons of my bed and the even sense of gravity pressing down, defining how the contours of my body rest, and so I enter into specificity.

Describing what is personal in personal experience, I clutch at straws, like as if those straws were movements, movements deep within me, movements I am accustomed to and recognise as me, as an everyday unconscious, with personal as an accepted automation, that personal within things all the time at every moment of the day, unremarked, un-noted, like the being within and as integral to it all, and yet when faced, intangible, lost within the myriad relationships to everything. And yet, not lost: but more, displaced; I mean with clutching at a straw, I clutch a realisation, and though that realisation remains as yet still undefined, I have it in my grasp, and write it.

The image of a garden gate comes up in me: just a simple gate that opens with a latch. Opening up the world of Personal, I am looking here at an example; at a memory of a quiet moment as I walk along, a moment that I would just normally walk right by the details of; that leaf perhaps, a generous spread of leaf that sways horizontally from its stalk, above its shadow on a patch of grass, just a life besides the gate, an aspect and a passing moment of this local world, through which I tread, reflecting back to me my own reflection, and yet my own reflection is to me, just incidental, while who I am within this isness is focused on a task, I am going to fetch some water. That single footstep in my day, along with all the thousand others that get filtered out of memory, out of record or remark, there is no time in all the world for sharing that. And yet not giving me the time in those small moments to consider who I am and how I am towards and in these things accumulates like a personal unconscious.

Going microscopic further emphasises this, all those tiny moments of that personal familiarity that go by even in a moment without the question of who I am reflected in this stream of things; they kind of wrap around me and support me, and hold me steady in my world.

 

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Day 454: Steadfast (5): Welcome to the Land of Plenty

Day 454: Steadfast (5): Welcome to the Land of Plenty

Sitting with two friends in a café in a local mall, the words, Welcome to the Land of Plenty, printed on a nearby placard, caught my eye; sometimes a word or a line stands out for me, as if being somewhere new within myself, or that I am ready now to receive these words, as simply what they are, and in that they have for me a fresh significance. And so in looking into that, I asked myself, what would Welcome represent for me as a living word, as an expression of Life’s abundance, an unconditional expression/definition of relationship of one being to another, and, would I want that to become a part of me as something that I lived?

And for me the answer to that was obviously Yes I would like to add that into me, and yes I have a place for that, and in fact the place I have for that has opened up in my redefining of the word Steadfast; without seeing clearly for myself the conditional nature of my response to the reality of me, what I had accepted and allowed in that, then this word Welcome may also have remained for me within the shadow of half-heartedness, and this moment in the café in the mall would not have been the same.

The way that words operate and function in the very fundamentals of our definitions of ourselves and so of our experience and of the nature of our lives is something that becomes clear in the Redefinition process; how it was for me in seeing the possibilities of Welcome as a word entwined into my relationship with me was a feeling of expansion in my body, was in the recognition of a gift, a sort of warmth, a quiet joy, and the possibility of letting go of that reluctance that I have in me in sharing who I am with me, and so with others.

A gift: not like bingo, here it is, but like there is something that is specific here that I can work towards developing in a part of me, that was kind of nebulous before. Nebulous: I mean like in relationships with other beings, there are relationships in which you can accept and become used to in some subtle kind of way a constant put down, such as in the example of family politics, where gradually you accept it and then come to allow it as the way things are, and that acceptance and allowance gradually shapes the way you are, you do not see it any more: so also with the relationship with self, reflecting something like that, in which you become used to the abuse of your own self judgements, and you become identified eventually with the perspective of a projected self that is better and superior to the reality of who you really are, and so in that relationship, your actual real self is not a welcome sight when it turns up, so to speak, on the doorstep of your mind, or on the threshold of your projected world reality, and who I am on the receiving end of that is kind of apologetic for being me. And so within and as both parts of this relationship, Welcome comes to have a kind of hollowness about it, it comes with reservations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in reluctance to accept the word Welcome as a living part of me. I commit myself to look into the nature of this reluctance: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the backchat that I’ve accepted and allowed within it. I forgive myself that in sharing who I am with me, that I have accepted and allowed myself to not extend a welcome that is genuine and real. I forgive myself that in sharing who I am with me that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to secret reservations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out a perspective of myself in which I take offence at who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Welcome to myself as conditional and limited. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing in my sharing of myself, a welcome to this self that I am sharing, a welcome to the world, a welcome to this home of me, and to everything within it.

So in redefining Steadfast, Welcome comes along as a supportive word: when I recognize this moment as it comes up in me, that replay of the programming that I’ve compiled, of who I am within and as personifying Severity and Aloofness, choosing to abandon who I am as Steadfast in my living Self Forgiveness, seeing and understanding what I am accepting of myself in this moment here, understanding the addiction that I have within and as this stance, instead I take responsibility, I commit myself to stop, and breathe and remember how I came to give myself the opportunity of seeing this word Welcome, how it formed a bridge and an opening of the reality within me, how by means of this word Welcome I can look into my relationship with me and see that there’s a different way to be.

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
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Day 453: Steadfast (4) The Embrace of Self Forgiveness

Day 453: Steadfast (4) The Embrace of Self Forgiveness

… So…continuing here with my personal exploration and Redefinition process of the word Steadfast: how I have defined it and how I have stood and stand within and in relation to this word.

What I’ve done so far has mostly been concerned with opening up and clearing, and so understanding, to some extent, my personal difficulties, problems, objections and obstructions to bringing this word into my life, and so through that, making way for me to whole-heartedly engage with Steadfast as part of me. And in that phrase, Whole-Hearted, I see here how the point comes up again of my denial of Steadfastness as me, like a fear of really owning it.

Keeping a grip on seeing this process through is for me the physical exercising of this word in real-time: that seeing of something through, as well as follow-through, they both are qualities of Steadfast that I am now kind practicing in my writing out of me. How I can apply this seeing something through, such as for example, me, through life, is what now I start to open up as well.

Having opened up so many realizations about myself in previous days, and about mistakes that I have made – and how I have then lived the consequence of those mistakes – now, in the course of writing this, I come to a place or part of me – that I have also often accepted and allowed – in which I tell myself that I’ve done enough – that I have released myself from this and that, so why not now just let it be, in this example, let Steadfastness kind of naturally develop… yes, right… hmm… something that I see in this is how I’ve made it all so big, so epic: the elements involved within the picture of the helmsman at the wheel, with who I am as the ship itself, and as the voyage, these components of Steadfast are now kind of looming over me… and though they are blown up large I also see they still have value.

So at this point – which is some days later on – I form a plan to ground myself: I take myself back into that moment in time when Steadfast first came up in me, ‘as a word that I could live’, and I realise now that this was my interpretation of the event; the word came up in me, and in a way I was reacting to it; thinking in my mind, I knew what this was for, and why it was there. I did not consider that a point in my awareness could have been just showing me the simple fact that in that moment, it was a word that I was not living.

…So not a where have you been all my life kind of moment in relation to this word, lol, where then it seemed to pop up from the blue, as I followed that interpretation, but more like: How come I let go of Steadfastness, the steadfastness that is part of me, and how come I made that choice within me of letting go that Steadfastness of me, that then led me into that quagmire in which I was reaching out for something – like a suggestion of a word to live – to help me.

So here, going back along the timeline from that reaching out for strength, I look in to the moment of that choice, that moment when I in fact abandoned Steadfastness as part of me. And I realise that this is not a one-of kind of moment; I recognise it as a place I tend to get to. Often there is a decision and an action in a moment that I know would immediately support me, no big energy involved, it is simply just do this or do that, quite straight-forward; while all the energy that follows has come from my resisting that, making a big deal out of that refusal, and the turmoil that I cause within me in my judgement of the way I am and for passively looking on while I let myself continue into something else instead that is obviously not best for me, or supportive of me.

So now I look at Steadfast more on a smaller scale: the follow-through, the seeing of it through, through the tasks involved, through the individual steps: here is where it is in the small moments, rather than in the epic voyage, that for me the living steadfastness can be more consistent.

Being steadfast in relation to myself would be in simple moments not reacting to my own reality, but rather, remaining steadfast in my unconditional forgiveness of myself, where yes I see the reality of who I am is going into judgement, or irritation with myself, for ‘being the way I am’, for doing this again, or that again, in which what I have accepted and allowed is that there is for me a point, a final straw, a moment in which the reality of me is that I am now in fact not unconditional – or steadfast – any more, I have chosen giving up on me, I am now holding who I am against me, and within that irritation what I see is that yes in fact within and as this stance, self forgiveness is actually useless, meaningless; from self forgiveness as a constant living action, attitude, support for me, what it has become is self forgiveness as an incantation in my mind. And yet not seeing this from within and as my righteousness, or seeing how insubstantial it is, I come to blaming self-forgiveness as being not enough, and then I am looking around for something else that I can do to bring me back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Steadfast, to fear facing that Steadfast exists within me, that I have accepted and allowed within this fear, a deeper fear that in facing this, that I might lose my justification in playing the victim role around the apparent and alleged absence of this word. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this fear to protect, excuse, and hold together a personality that I have lived around this point. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both abuse and use this word that represents a living part of me for the sake of the agenda of this victim personality. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘keeping a grip’ within and as energy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a fear of letting go of the control that I impose upon myself through and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the steadfastness that is already part of me, in separation from me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to not see the steadfastness that already is an expression of me, and to then go into a not-knowingness about myself in which I tell myself I do not have it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as lacking steadfastness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have made the choice to not be steadfast with myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in that the steadfast that I live is not an absolute. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in judgement, as superior to the reality of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when seeing me within the act of making choices that are not in support of me but are instead choices that support my returning to the ways of mind and consciousness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact within myself that who I am as judgement is who I am within and as a personality of reaction to the reality of me, the me that makes mistakes, that does not learn so quickly, and that who I am within and as judgement is a projection of myself that is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of being steadfastly with me in support of me to become instead irritated with me, impatient with me, giving up on me, and within that I forgive myself that I have not seen or realized that through my own impatience and irritation with me I take away the space and time from me to see myself for real and for me then to understand the reality that I am seeing, and through that come to understand how I might change myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in judging me that I have not given myself the opportunity to understand myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the steadfastness that is part of my expression to not extend into my relationship with myself as steadfast in my standing with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my steadfastness in standing with me to be conditional.

 

Through all of these considerations, I open up another question: What has to happen or change in this relationship, for self forgiveness to become constantly the embrace in which both I see myself, as is, and also hold myself, and support myself, in which I come to trust myself to walk with me throughout this process of this journey of my life here on Earth, in a steadfastness in which I stand with me throughout the moments as they come?

 

 

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

Day 452: Steadfast (3) Being Real on Earth

References here, two recordings from a recent Life Review: Being True to Your Self, and Redefining Truth and Self.

 

Day 452: Steadfast (3): Being Real on Earth

When it has become ingrained into the processes of thought – as with me through many years – it’s hard see self judgement in any clear way – subsumed into and as a thing there is then no perspective of it possible – the effect of this, in redefining words to live, is that to take the energy connection from the definition of the word is really difficult; with judgement so ingrained, there are layers formed in which I do not see sometimes how I stand in judgement of judgement itself and so I do not see that my stand as judgement has not changed, and though I recognize points within that were obvious points of judgement of myself, points I can review and deconstruct, forgive, and through doing that I can release some layers and illusions I have lived, there is still an aspect of all of this in which I have felt as if I’m going round in circles.

So it comes as a welcome opening to me in all of this to hear a recent Life Review in which judgement is discussed in ways and terms I never have considered. And here I’d like to share the impact of this Life Review on me, and how it has supported me as I continue on my journey through unraveling the question of Steadfastness for me, because I see how much Steadfast has its roots in how I stand by me, and also how much Steadfastness has not been possible for me while rather than simply standing by and for my self in moments, I have been instead reacting to my own reality. Indeed asking me the question: Can I live with who I am without reacting to me, brought up immediate responses from my body, seeming to confirm for me that the question had been exactly on the point.

So, stepping out of the Judgement is bad or wrong trap, in which the very angle or approach one takes in trying to become a better self, be a better person both towards myself and others, in fact upholds the separation; a perspective of what has happened here is that the word Judgement is so ingrained and integrated into bad and wrong, that it has become impossible to see around it, work with it, work with who I am within it. And yet substituting instead of this word, concept, thought, that is entailed in Judgement, the new perspective that I’m simply standing in reaction to my own reality; for me a door has opened in the sense that I can work with this.

Through writing out the details of the issues that I had with Inconsistency (Day 450) I came to see the point that what developed in my life from seeing myself in absolute as inconsistent in my very nature had been a loss of faith in me, in my decisions, in my commitments to myself, and the point that I explored was how that belief perspective of myself had undermined my willingness to stand in Steadfastness, and I explored the point of how I had then blamed the world for this.

And yet in listening to this Life Review, a new perspective opened up: seeing that inconsistency within my self had actually been a point of honesty, an observation of my own reality; and that interpreting this as a curse or something put on me had been based on the belief that Self itself must be consistent, that seeing the inconsistency in me was showing me that there was something wrong or different about me, compared to others. And so these problems that I gave myself came out of the nature of Judgement that defines one as this or that thing, and in this case seeing the Inconsistency within my Self from one moment to another, I then saw myself as lacking. And seeing Self as something that must always be the same, it was a separation of myself in that therefore I cannot rely on me, cannot have faith in my decisions.

So here a clear example in my life in which I was comparing a definition of self that I believed in, to the self that I observed within reality, and then standing by my elevated perspective of it all, overruling my self honesty. In that a life is what it is that you decide to live, here is then a life in which the decision that’s been made by me is to live in faith with that belief, founded yes on being a better person, but at the expense of my own reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invest my faith in a projection of myself as being a better person than what I honestly found myself to be, as is, in different moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the choice to live my projection of a better self consistently, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live consistency within and as living that projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live consistency and faith within and as a projection of a better self, and that I have lived within attempting to impose that self upon my real self that is unpredictable and responds in various ways in different situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the real self of me that is different in different situations is the real self I have to work with in these different moments.

My choice and my decision here is to learn to live Commitment to the Self that is the as is Self of me that is here in the moments of my day, and to learn to disengage myself from the projection of myself that has become so ingrained within my mind. My choice and my decision here is to disengage my faith and my consistency from this projected self and to replant it solidly as a part of my support for who I am and how I am toward my real self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as a reaction to my own reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this reaction to become ingrained in me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life that is in the shadow of my own reactions to me.

I commit myself to bring these realisations and decisions into and as a part of my redefinition of Steadfast, that in Steadfastness I am steadfast in my relationship to who I am and how I respond in moments, to the real me, I am steadfast in my walking of forgiveness of myself, and consistent in support of me, that in seeing myself – as is – I can immediately work with that; a self that maybe out of line, or of accord with Life, a self that I maybe even haven’t ever seen.

 

“So I started with just that simple definition: staying true to the decision of accepting the difficulty and the challenges that I’m going to be facing in any given moment, and staying true to accepting the difficulty of the challenges – what does that mean – that means that when I’m facing challenging and difficult moments, that’s where I am true to myself, to see it through. To see it through: the difficulties, the challenges, the mess – not judge myself – not react, not think I should be more, better, this or that. It’s not going to help me thinking what I should be or who I should be when I am already something, is it? Just look at who you are, as is, and if you are not happy with what you are seeing, change it.”   Extract from: Being True to Yourself

 

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life