Day 302: Meaninglessness and ‘Lost’ ‘Control’

meaninglessness-detail-w

 Reference –>Here to the Atlantean perspective/series on the system of meaninglessness.

 

Continuing this series of posts from Day 291, and the decision to bring ‘lost’ into and as an energy source within a system of meaninglessness, and a further look into the semantic world or network of memory, experience and self definition that I had installed into the word ‘lost’.

 

A reminder of the critical experience (from 293): “…over summer, at the end of school when all the kids I hung around with were going off to different universities, and a comparison came up: they have all got futures, I have not: I have got no future. Their different futures are expressions of their different meaning – therefore: I have no meaning – and so I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of myself as meaninglessness…”

  

‘Control’

A sense of having lost control: in which ‘control’ had been defined in maintaining various definitions of self, to be integrated into an illusion of self, definitions that were determined by my interpretations of the experience of me through the eyes of others: that was the sense of control that now seemed ‘lost’, so that experience of this became an element of ‘lost’ within my mind.

 

Writing this I remember thoughts I had at that time, perspectives in which I was looking at an image of myself through the eyes of those around me, such as in imagining my own death, and being buried in the ground, and then, gone, ‘lost’ from the view of those around me. Accepting and allowing this imagination in my mind, I then accepted and allowed this experience of ‘lost’ to then invade and occupy how I had accepted and allowed myself to be in ‘death.’ My simulation of death within my mind then involved this consequential experience of ‘lost’ that played out of the loss of this definition of control.

 

A memory of a thought in which I was busily defining things long time ago serves to show me a couple more aspects to this: that in this graveyard scene there was much self pity, and also blame towards the people who would apparently walk away and return to their own meanings purposes and lives. Having integrated an illusion of self that was based on projections onto others, the victim role was kind of implicit, and then the option of blame; now that I look at this I see how bringing judgement into it might have been required. Judgement as I had defined it in my experience of life had been an expression of authority and control, coupled with anger and fear inducements: how better else in my mind experience, within and as this paranoia, could I bring about and enforce some black and white simplicity into this grey experience of fear and multiple emotion that I had invested into lost? Control through fear and blame had been the context of my childhood, and in what seemed to me to be an emergency situation, I reverted to it, almost as a natural tool or tendency in my inheritance. This to me at this time was simply the 101 of how to assert control in a tumultuous situation.

 

How this judgement had an impact on me was through comparison of my being to the beings of others and their ‘worth’, was that I had arrived suddenly into and as a formulation of myself as worthless within this meaninglessness, this was like a lightning strike, in my perception this was like a catastrophic experience. Within this, my respect for me fell down like a stone. What were the constituents of this catastrophe? Looking into this I see through the eyes of who I was in that moment, seeing the ‘End of The World’ closing in on me, and a feeling of collapse into nothingness, within the realization and belief that All had been a fabrication.

 

 

Continuing next post…

 

 

EQAFE:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start-http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.

FIND OUT WHAT DESTENI STANDS FOR

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation • Desteni.org • See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of RightsLiving Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

Advertisements

Day 300: Meaninglessness, Lost, and Freedom Mind Spin.

X-ingredient-w

Day 300: Meaninglessness, Lost, and Freedom Mind Spin.

 

 

A direction: From meaninglessness to a hereness, a connection to all, an intimacy.

 

From who I am within and as meaninglessness to who I am in awareness of myself and in awareness of the relationships and scripts that I have written for myself within this word, all coming from decisions that I have made of who I am within and as emotion, where as described last post I made the decision to bring ‘lost’ into and as an energy source within this system of meaninglessness.

 

Continuing, with an exploration of the contents of the word ‘lost’ as defined into a system of meaninglessness – in which I support myself deliberately within and as ‘exploration’ – In which, rather than being in constant reaction to myself I am on the ground, taking steps of investigation into ‘lost.’

 

In my life, today, now 1st of February 2016, to log it down into physical time record – I write this to support myself – in living ‘persistence’ as who I am in physical time – because so much I still live out a mind experience of time, or a time on hold while in the mind everything apparently must stop to look at this or that and then have exist within that pause, an image of foreverness.

 

So: deliberately here coming back from that, with something like, Remember Life, this physical existence that is here? With my hand resting on the certainty of this table top, with this incremental physical time, life-time, and so within that a reminder to myself to not just only remember this but to slow down into it and live it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ‘there is no time for physical life’ to exist within my mind as I am drawn towards some ‘important’ point, or some attraction of some thought, or the attraction of some fear of loss that I have accepted and allowed with regards to some fleeting realization that I see in my mind as being reabsorbed into the oblivion.

 

Seeing how it was that I had included ‘freedom’ as a positive spin of ‘lost’ and ‘meaninglessness’, opening up as yet another point as I write these posts, is like an example of how in my life now still operate this meaninglessness as I had formulated in myself when I was young; where in the sound of ‘No’ as spoken in my mind in current time, I see how these connections span my life, in which as a reminder, all my life is here.

 

Saying No, a refusal, in the advent of a responsibility, such as No, I’ll do it later, and, ‘Not now’: I noticed how within that reaction was like taking up the opportunity to assert who I have accepted and allowed myself to be within and as ‘Freedom.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom with feeling good, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom with not being controlled by structures or plans. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself define freedom with doing exactly ‘as I like’, and that I have accepted and allowed this ‘like’ to be equal to feeling good.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess the responsibility before me in terms of how good I might feel. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to responsibility with a fear of loss of the good feeling in my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into judging what it is that is here to be done, defining it as something that does not matter, something that is less than me, something that can wait, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this freedom as a right, and not seen realized and understood that what I have defined within myself as a right is to follow the demands of energy as self interest, with freedom as this positive that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for, to protect, and to defend.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out freedom not seeing how I had defined it as a limitation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the thrill of asserting who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as ‘freedom.’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become enslaved to energy within this word that I have accepted and allowed as ‘freedom.’

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be free to move myself without the motivations of the energy. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be free to embrace this responsibility that instead I have reacted to and then said ‘No.’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word freedom to obstruct my own expansion in which in saying ‘No’ I am in fact saying yes to the systems of the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘No’ with ‘Yes’ to the systems of the mind as who I am in ‘freedom’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself that I have grown comfortable within this arrangement, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unworthy within this comfort. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of who I am as unworthy in my judgement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enshrine this word ‘freedom’ within my mind, as an existential birth right, as a sacred resource, or an inner fire, as a reference to an inner definition that I have accepted and allowed as who I am, but never really looked at closely. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that who I am as defined in freedom is as an emotional/feeling experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at how I am to then define for me who I am in freedom, how I am to apply this freedom in practice in my life, how in application of this freedom I can then direct myself to learn to be for example free to speak the words that are within me, free to move my body, free to reach out to others in my world, free to collaborate with others plans to make this freedom practical and real.

 

 continuing…

 

 

 

 

EQAFE:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start-http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.

FIND OUT WHAT DESTENI STANDS FOR

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation • Desteni.org • See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of RightsLiving Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

Day 299: ‘Lost’ in Meaninglessness

cybernetic-2006w

 

 

Where I left off writing last time was with, in a way, a memory of a state of becoming intrigued by this apparent ‘secrecy’ that had become my accepted interpretation of my own suppressions, that I also projected on the world, where this intrigue became positively charged, while at the same time the suppression held down tight maintaining as I did a judgment of self, a definition of self as an absolute of worthlessness, and as an experience of shame.

 

Continuing… The House of Lost: Through the image of ‘a house along the way’, already is implied a story, in the context of a journey, and so, within the journey, a life, a starting point, and a purpose, in this writing, the purpose being to stand up from the patterns that I have accepted and allowed as the matrix of who I am, and to assist myself and others to walk from out of this experience of the mind and into the physical in line with and as Life.

 

So, having opened up the ‘house’ of the word ‘lost’ a few times now along the way, I come back to it again, seeing more inside it than I saw before, like as with the illustrative dream, a room I had not noticed. Like asking a new question: when I ask myself the question of how does this word apply to physical life, and I have to pause for a moment and look around, and there is for me, no obvious and immediate connection, but a momentary experience of dissonance – and it becomes obvious how it is for me that I have used this word primarily as a component of an emotional reality, with very few actual parts connected to the physical.

 

What of this emotional reality that I have accepted and allowed to exist and function within the word ‘lost’, and what feeling, what positive reality, scenario, or movie? Because for sure this ‘lost’ has functioned as a component of this system that I instigated, accepted and allowed to be, so that who I am in the experience of ‘lost-ness’, is from how I have defined this word within my mind, and who I am within this word, which I see now is as a multiple energy relationship within the confines of my mind, and hardly if at all with reference lines to physical reality.

 

“Lost!” In the media world I found vast selections of ready made narrative to suit a refinement strategy of converting who I am as and in ‘lost’ as a bad experience into and as feelings of mystery/adventure drama: The Lost World, Lost Illusion, Lost in Space, Lost at Sea, the non existent book of the Strange discovery of the compelling Mystery of the Lost Being in the Lost Library of the Lost language of the Lost Labyrinthians!

 

Absorbing all of this into the blueprint of ‘lost’ I began to live a self projected in the framework of a story, as a story. Who am I as the story teller, when I myself have become the story, is as if I had already been and gone and ended; so that within this, whatever happened, happened. Being as at the same time the recipient of entertainment and the experience of entertainment, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have released myself from responsibility and immediate direction of myself here, that I have created a whole mind-game for myself within and as ‘lost’, while not seeing and realizing that the very significance of ‘lost’, the very reason that I would so much elaborate on it, extend it, why this process was exigent to me was that I was living as a definition of myself as meaningless and into that specific lessness as who I am, I had included a subsidiary definition of myself as ‘lost’, ‘lost’ not as a positive feeling experience at all but as a catastrophic event, from a catastrophe that did not in fact exist.

 

 

Continuing…

 

 

 

 

 

EQAFE:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start-http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.

FIND OUT WHAT DESTENI STANDS FOR

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation • Desteni.org • See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of RightsLiving Income Guaranteed: The Proposal

Day 298: From Meaninglessness into Positively Lost

Day 298: From Meaninglessness into Positively Lost

 

Continuation from the previous post…

Accepting and allowing a relationship towards meaninglessness as living out being ‘trapped’ within it, I believed in my mind that I should therefore make a survey of the situation, make plans for what to do with myself, how to go on from here, given this ‘reality’ that I dare not show myself was not real in fact, but something I invented. Seeing this illusion of ‘trappedness’ within this meaninglessness, as a reality, therefore as I saw it, my only way forward was into it; finding accommodation in it, comfort in it, positive conversion of the points within it that I had established in my negative experience, so that therefore I could live with myself as who I am as a positive feeling entity, that was growing out of meaninglessness. And the nature of the positivities was shaped by the words that I had invested into meaninglessness. So: as with ‘lost’, rather than looking more closely at this lostness, with its aura of fear, and seeing and realizing for myself that I had in fact ascribed this word to ‘who I am’ in the shock of realizing the harsh reality consequence of my daydreaming drift through school time, and in the experience of who I am as meaningless, in which I had effectively pulled the plug on having purpose in the world; instead, I elaborated ‘lost’ into a polarity, so that I could abide in positive feelings with this ‘lost’ as a resource.

 

Recognizing that much of me was invested in this assumption of meaninglessness, in which that I believed that I was ‘trapped’, then this point to me gained a mysterious significance, and my interest became inflamed into a fascination. Who I was towards this fascination that possessed me, was kind of suspicious of it, that it somehow contained some evil, and I was disempowered within the fascination, like being drawn helplessly in. I did not see how it was that I was looking at myself as the definitions that I had made of me within my judgements of myself as in being meaningless, as in having no meaning, no purpose, no significance, no framework of life to walk into, and it was who I was within the harshness of these judgements that I had suppressed within me that I now perceived as mysterious, perceiving in the world that there was in fact beneath it all, a secret.

 

Continuing …

 

 

 

 

EQAFE:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/

Here are the instructions to the process of accessing our life-force, our beingness, our physical bodies and walking through the mind and consciousness.

EQAFE: ‘The Crucifixion of Jesus’, has been a great support to me because hear within these interviews, presented through the Portal, the actual teachings of Jesus, rather than the ones that were to be, after his death, tweaked and twisted into the four approved versions of his life as the Gospels. How the political message of Equality and the reality of Equality and Oneness were skewed into a religious mantra so as to suit the interests of the system.

The Quantum Mind

This series is for a serious student that cares about LIFE and endeavour to understand how creation functions in fact and in specific detail.

The FREE DIP LITE Course available to All – simply sign up and start-http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/ This is a powerful free introduction to real self-exploration, and self realisation using the Desteni tools, with online support. This really is an opportunity of a life time.

FIND OUT WHAT DESTENI STANDS FOR

Human Rights and the Equal Life Foundation • Desteni.org • See: The Equal Life Foundation Bill of RightsLiving Income Guaranteed: The Proposal