In Bursting your Bubble of Comfort, ( Future of Consciousness series, Eqafe), Veno responds to the question: What could be preventing us from the commitment, the consistency, the dedication to change?
So through my own processes and through also listening to what he has to say, I come to a question in myself: What is actually my relationship to the word Change? That means also implicit in this question: How have I defined the word Change, in what ways might I clear this word for me, and then redefine it, live it? What is there in this word as I have absorbed it into me and so lived it that has brought me into a relationship of making-do with it, or wanting to overcome it, or force it in some way: is there some reaction that is embedded into it I have not noticed, some problem or other, some belief installed within it, or some deep objection?
Well, no, in fact, none or little of the above: when I look at the word Change on its own and how it is for me, I find that it remains quite clear and simple: the complications come with the application of this word to the phenomenon of me. Changing me. Changing me comes as a challenge to a position that I am holding to, into which I have defined myself. So in a way, this possibility of redefining Change comes as a bit of a distraction, or even a form of blame, with a touch of hope thrown in, that if I could find some problem with the word itself, and then clear that, then I might in turn be able to more easily commit myself to change.
Nice try, as they say. But in myself I know that it is what my existing commitment is already fastened into and merged with that I recognize within myself as me, that is what I need to differentiate, to loosen up and let go of, and so to redefine and change. That state of mergence is kind of nebulous: actually seeing that – is a start for me – like walking in a fog, one realizes that this is fog: big difference. What is for example now the nature of this fog?
As explored in recent posts, that righteous personality configuration in my mind that through years of turning to, or living as, I have naturalized: seeing it, and sensing it, like vaguely making out its outline is continuously a humbling experience. That difference between the question: “Am I Right?” and the question: “Can I honestly or truly trust in this perception of how I see the way things are?” opens up, let’s say, a new dimension, in me. And what I often see is how I have invested in the feelings of being ‘right’, and have come within myself to depend upon them, as a positive experience of being ‘me’, like invested in this positive feeling experience, you could call that ‘ego’, where I would tend to be defensive of this experience that I generate in feelings.
Obviously to me, at times, this definition of myself has no reality – I mean there is no reference to the outer world: I am in a comfort zone as a conjunction in my mind of a construct of being ‘right’ and some positive energy experience that I generate within me. So here in answer to my question where first I looked at ‘making-do-with’ in my relationship to the word Change, what I see is the nature of my commitment to this comfort zone, that having accepted and allowed this commitment, then also I accept this making-do-with ‘change’, as if ‘change’ was difficult within itself. Points of self manipulation such as this abound within this character, concerted organized and interdependent; they are what make up together as a whole, a projection of reality.
Examples of actual changes that I’ve made in the light of all of this – not changing ‘me’ in a global sense, but changes that I’ve made in support of me seeing and realizing what it is I am actually doing – have been in actions stemming from being more critical of my activities within the obvious comfort zones, of system ‘entertainment’, what is actually going on inside me of when I turn to watching films: looking at how much for example I am responding to my definition of comfort in relation to the experience of righteousness, that I am right within my knowing of this genre or that genre, or my opinion of this information, or in my perceptions of this brainwashing, this advertising, this slanting of the news, and seeing that this experience of myself is what I am seeking, seeing it as as a stepping-out or as a kind of ‘break’, I simply do not take this option, these are actual actions in support of change; because I see and realise that this is less a stepping-out than it is a stepping-in to those familiar energy resources that I have become accustomed to within me.
The question what is going on within me when I turn to on-tap entertainments of this kind is often that I’ve reached a point of exasperation in a way, and within that exasperation I have strayed into a negative experience of myself, that I am lost or overwhelmed, that it’s all too much, and judgements of myself are creeping in, that is, within and as my mind I have already started to respond to my internal entertainment systems, in which I am reacting to negative experience of me, and seeking out the positive polarity.
Continuing next post…