Day 436: Why Am I Doing This To Me?

 

Day 436: Why Am I Doing This To Me?

Belief in weakness as the reality of my inner nature rather than seeing and realizing that its starting point is an emotional perception only, functioning as a component of a design of consciousness for the purpose of containment of the living being. In the fifth part of their walk through of this design, the Atlanteans ask the question: Why would we be doing this to ourselves?

These points follow for me from the points made in the previous post, about the belief in weakness as the point of giving up amid reactions towards the energy accumulation in the mind, where these apparent ‘forces’ are derived from my own deliberate designs or simulations of strength within and as what has gradually become a righteousness foundation, my resource of feelings from the comfort zone of a personality of giving up.

Disturbing this, I realise how much of the nitty-gritty workings of this personality is merged into the comfort zone. Recently in some quite tough moments of support, it was pointed out to me some spitefulness in me that was coming from my defences of my righteousness within the claimed boundaries of ‘my’ space. Rather than just dismissing such support, trusting the perceptions that were shared with me, I chose instead to take it seriously and investigate. Something that I noticed immediately in this investigation process was how much questions from a starting point of defending a self definition actually led to nowhere, whereas my experience within asking the disturbing, stirring, provocative, tough questions, although kind of gruesome were also kind of knocking on a door to something new and real and vital in me.

So looking at the experience itself of the stance of being ‘completely and absolutely right’, and asking: What are actually the comforts that I have accepted and allowed within that? Here I realise that ‘comfort-zone’ has not really been of much use to me, within the field of my introspections, in the sense of remaining for me like a psychological technicality, describing something that exists, and yet without the life of me within it, or only a version of a me that is a specimen of kinds, acknowledging that yes I do indulge in such a way, and yet there are arrays of backdoors and conditions, where I have defined the word of comfort-zone so as not to be inclusive of my actual experience within it. As a psychological technicality I have accepted the term in a non-specific de-personalized form, ready for an idea in my mind of general scientific use.

And for this word, Use, as well, what does it imply within the personal science of me? Does ‘use’ include the movement or direction of self support? Or is Use as well deprived of purpose in the sphere of Life? Is it really and in fact Support for me to be making references to Comfort-Zone and Use when really by the way I have defined these words, there comes no shake-up, I manage things so as not to shake myself into being awake. I have set things up so there comes no question that can impinge on me.

What are the comforts of being ‘completely and absolutely right’, what are the feelings that I give myself from this? In saying to myself, yes, I am absolutely completely right, there is a feeling of strength, of firmness, within my mind, within a perception of being right I have created in my mind a stand, or stance, and to the extent of how much I have identified myself with all of these perceptions of being absolutely completely right about so many things, I see now how I have accepted and allowed a mind possession.

A ‘Mind Possession’: here, another term, somewhat clinical. If I were to define ‘mind possession’ as where I have accepted and allowed myself to live, as my home, the place where I get such feelings as ‘belonging’, a place within my life in which there is no doubt, a place within my life in which there is the experience for me of self acceptance, where I have literally merged a part of me into a group of judgements and become them, become indistinguishable from them, to myself, and derived experience of them as myself as my personal normality, then yes, both ‘comfort-zone’ and ‘mind possession’ begin to take on more tangibility, more meaning, and more accessibility. The inquiries into how and why originally in this life I felt the need to create a resource of such feelings as belonging, if not concluded here, are now open, the same with questions as to what and how could ‘home’ exist for me in any real sense, while the question within that is how does ‘home’ exist for me within myself?

Ok so notes along the way, along the journey: Just allowing me to be asking questions of myself about such things has shaken the illusion, because the illusion rests upon apparent unquestionability, that is in a way how it can contain, how it can remain unnoticed.

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