When in January this year the word Defeat came up in various series of the Eqafe recordings: What went down in me? – The word itself in my mind seemed to throw ahead a daunting shadow, and with a sinking feeling in me – I recognized that signature of something I’d accepted long ago as part of me, it carried with it a solemnity, like news of death, of something irreversible – and I did not want to listen to the interviews.
Instead I went with the imaginary fears that told me I did not want to hear the details of the autopsy, the reports of the post mortem, I did not want to hear reminders of this thing that I’d accepted, and defined into my existence long ago, and so by implication it was also like: “Let me overlook this fact of part of me I’ve lost. “ Or else, “It’s too late now to summon up the energy to undo this thing I’ve lived so long…” Where in both these statements I wearily reiterate expressions of who I am within and as Defeat.
So an interesting insight here for me, that in redefining Live I find the Courage to look into these feelings that came up in me in connection with Defeat, from the perspective that this word too I had defined into and as a part of Live, and through that became determined to live it out. In redefining Live I am more focused on the nature of the spark, whereas in a perspective of Defeat, the downer was that Life had gone.
Checking out the etymology of the word Defeat, a bare and simple horror opened up, partly that a word exists for this, and partly where the meanings of the word originate: with who I am in Life, as undone, not do, not is.
Defeat was in that point I was looking into a couple of Journey Days back when in a moment that I did not take myself for real, but took instead my own reality as dispensable in some way or another, and so going into that familiar complacency of me – as an expression of a lesser self – here is an example of a momentary little giving-up that in a life of repetitions accumulates into and becomes established as acceptance of Defeat.
Going into that moment I can see I face the choice of standing up for me or not, and in that habitual not, letting it slide into the streamlining of all the well oiled justifications – that was all together my belief in me as my sincerity – in being reasonable, considerate of others, though not of me – together as – that lesser self of me – but looking at the moment of the timeline where the choice was there – I realise now that I did not see it as a choice at all but as a reminder of an unwelcome fact, a fatal snag about the fact of being me, that place in me that I would always come to, and then quickly find excuses not to stay, to not look into closely.
Talking with someone who had also faced such moments, they told me this: that they had found a sort of irritation with themselves that grew and grew and had become a great support for them. That was where my ears pricked up: that in all of this there might be a solution for me, the possibility of being irritated with myself, like I could Do with some of that!
Some Self Forgiveness statements with reference to these points:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed Defeat as written into who I am in Life, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Live Defeat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look at how I live, have lived, the word Defeat, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to look at how I have accepted and allowed Defeat. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to recognize that acceptance of Defeat within my life is an expression of how I have defined my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become resigned towards my limitations, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye to my responsibility within my acceptance and allowance of this resignation, till the point where I just perceive the feelings of the disempowerment, interpreting it in my mind as just part of who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ‘just part of who I am’ as an excuse inside myself so that I do not have to push myself to expand myself and open up my own potentiality, and take the risk of change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as a corrupted form of Care, in which I have embodied a personality of Care that takes all beings around me in my life into consideration with the exception of the reality of the self of me; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within this that my Care was real, and within and as that reality, that who I saw myself as being was also real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed as this caring character to be quietly getting away with constant self neglect and self ignorance, and self abuse, as a way of smoothing out relationships in my outside world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a way of life in which I allow myself to get away with my own bullshit, underneath the guise of this bullshit Care. I forgive myself that I have accepted who I am as an expression of this bullshit. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed living in this way for me to then be allowing and accepting a level of this ‘getting away with it’ in others around me in my life, being tolerant as a personality, finding reasons excuses and justifications for them all as an extension of this faked up Care. I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see realise and understand how within this I am responsible for spinning and maintaining the structures of the Matrix.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for my definition of Care to include covering up for other people in my life, overlooking bullshit when I see it, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of a future event in my imagination in which being direct with other people will cause reactions back on me in which I too am challenged in my bullshit. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being direct with people in my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express actual Care in being direct. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed around me of one and all together swiftly moving on.
I commit myself to challenge these fears that I have accepted and allowed in me in all these matters, where I have accepted these configurations of Defeat as part of Live and Life.
I commit myself to foster if I can this hint of irritation at myself on the ground of my reality amongst the play of different characters and personalities, because I see and realise and understand that this letting myself get away, to nowhere, with it has formed a somnambulating way of being, where I have not learned to put my foot down with myself and take the risk of causing friction with these personalities.
I commit myself to learn from these bare bones of the etymology of the word Defeat, that I can utilize them with my redefinition of Live, with taking the opportunity presented by the physical existence, with instead of Self as Defeat, as undone, not do, not is, to change me to Self as Feat, as Fact, as Deed, as Made, as Do, as Done, as Is.
Here are some Eqafe references and support to the opening up and walking of the word Defeat:
Atlanteans: Self and the Nature of Defeat