Day 420: Redefining Abandoned: Taking Sides

Continuing here from the previous posts: walking a personal process of redefining Abandon with reference to Source: Eqafe’s Atlanteans series Abandoned, and also now, the Fighting Ourselves and Others interviews.

Day 420: Redefining Abandoned: Taking Sides: And change from Self Exclusion to Self Inclusion.

In walking the word Abandoned and opening it up, the more I see more clearly how Vital it is for me to do this: As I walk the Redefinition writing process exploration, the word Vitality just comes up, in looking how I see Vitality as something real for me to access through the word Abandoned: as in getting down to the point within this word, the matter, who am I as the Matter of this word, as I have fashioned it, at the source of the experience of me that I created and so refined and elaborated in living out from there – and so accordingly become and be surrounded by the manifested consequences of that.

There is for me in this word a Spring of what matters to me Essentially as I begin to take responsibility for the word Abandoned, where in Abandoned I see how I have within myself abandoned a part of me.

At this stage of the Redefinition process, there is something that I’ve changed, within and in relation to Abandoned: my perception and experience of my physical surroundings is different, because rather than seeing unconsciously and reacting to the motifs of the word Abandoned within the details of my world, what I see instead is the construct itself, and it’s projection, and it’s back-door nature, so it’s like a point of the ‘game is up’.

So I am seeing to some extent, and understanding to some extent, the function of the anchor points of the construct of the word Abandoned, like as in a spider-web like structure, into for example the word Lost which would echo back to me from through some aspect of my physical reality that caught my eye, or the words of Wreck or Waste and Wasteland, Neglect, or Chaos, those Abandoned words, where in taking company with by accepting such motifs, I created a world for me with an always available back door exit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shift with seeing these words as written in the world around me, into a personality of Abandon that also stands against self-nurture, self-care, self assistance and self support, as like a central tenet of it’s reason to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed such a thing to exist within me, and me in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in seeing these words within the very chaos that I accepted and allowed, to connect, sign-in myself at any time to a core reminder of accepted and allowed immovability, to positive experience as me in and as that, and within that adamant position be fiercely protective of exposing to myself to a fear of seeing myself for real within it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in fear and through that to hold myself against me – to take a side against me – and so not look into the darkness of the fear itself. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and listen to and understand the child within myself that was totally dependent in multiple ways suddenly thrust into a world of independence, into a supposed reality, where looking into himself that child could not forgive himself for feeling lost, for not knowing who to go to, where to go, for not being ready, for not being equal to an idea in his mind of independence.

In bringing that child to me here, I embrace myself in that, I expose this child to real comfort, in understanding, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be harsh and spiteful on me, judge myself for lacking independence, for not knowing what to do. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take ‘the right’ side against me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect Strength to Independence in my mind, for not seeing how this independence that I imagine in my mind is not real, has no place in reality . I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define this lack of independence as weakness in me, and within that, to define myself as weak. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge in righteousness that weakness, within that I forgive myself that from the playground lessons observations learned, that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive weakness as a target of spite, both in seeing this word within me and in my outside world.

From Self Exclusion to Self Inclusion.

Continuing here with exploring the Shirk, as a physical manifestation of jealousy in mind relationship to awareness, and in taking sides.

How the shirk reaction to awareness in me is reflected in the physical body: that Exclusive gesture: Only a slight movement, but exaggerate and unfolded out to full extent, a shirking forward, slightly raised up shoulder, a lifted elbow, the left side muscle groups contract, a hardened back, the ear, all involved as a contraction that can go from passive spite of closing in across the chest and closing out, to slightly bristling, poised, ready to fend off, or threatening to elbow back, and not to hear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress the body so as to amplify and validate, and make real this self manipulation, that Look out, I am being bothered here, this awareness is a nuisance, that if I listen then who I am as this construct that I’m living in this moment, will be in jeopardy, and might collapse: So stress out quick and tunnel-vision up a bit!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create Exclusion as a strategy to cope with fear of what might happen if I were to listen to what I know is best for me, if I were to acknowledge that what is best for me is best for me in real fact, if I were to acknowledge in a way in this moment that reality is real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interrupt and to invade and stress my physical body in the spite of acting out that I need protection, and to be communicating with my body a posture of defense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a part of me to be blocking off a part of me, to be in spite of part of me.

In the physical conditioning of the Shirk, here are physical actions that I can change: in a way a manifested ‘taking sides’, I can use this rising shoulder to support me in being as a flag for me: that when that shoulder starts to rise, I recognize this spite, I recognize this pattern, and I stop, I breath in my acknowledgement that here I am as an expression of spite, towards a part of me, and I transform the Exclusive gesture of closing out to a gesture of gathering, Inclusion.

I relax my elbow and shoulder and instead Extend my arm behind and bring it round to the front, bring it next to me, and with me. Going through this a few times I became much more aware of the raising of the left shoulder at the out set of the shirk, and then I found how often it is there, at readiness, but the more I focused on just being still and Soothing, and letting those tendons go, the more I learned to isolate the specific muscles that were the triggers of the muscle group contraction of the shirk. This helped me deconstruct the movement as a whole, not relaxing as in putting the entire muscle mass of the shirk down as a whole, intact, but specifizing it, or articulating it, in a physical way, demonstrating to me the common sense that this whole quadrant of my body getting all involved, that it is not necessary to be doing this.

…continuing next post…


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