Day 419: Abandoned with Jealousy Dynamics
Continuing here from the previous posts: walking a personal process of redefining Abandon with reference to Eqafe’s Atlanteans series Abandoned, and also now, the Fighting Ourselves and Others interviews. Also: The History Origin and Nature of Jealousy.
Simplicity: The process of definition, redefinition living of a word does not have to be a complex thing: as being shown and demonstrated by Sunette in SOUL, and being walked by many beings, as well as those who are speaking through the Portal.
With the word Abandoned: I can see to what extent this word has influenced my life, and how I have created this life for me through it and as it. It is Vital to me to take responsibility for this word: I see and realise that Vitality is for me in deconstructing this.
It is a complexity of simple things, it is a timeline of moments, but yet there are many of them: I accumulated them through time, over many years, arranging them in simple ways towards each other, until my fabrications arched around me in the details of my world, till they were overwhelming, and I went under, in the complexities of self manipulation, not seeing any more the web that I had spun, or the cage that would eventually develop out of that. It’s like I am carefully pulling out the staples, one by one, to release the canvasses of the emotional design, and dismantle, undo the Mantles, release myself from these projection screens, and there are many pins.
Listening to the Atlanteans opening up the word Fight in relation to self, I am grateful to recognize again this point in me where I had become possessed by Jealousy; and to remember something that I learned in coming through that nightmare. I came to know and understand and realize, for the first time > If I have no self-honesty then I am truly fucked.
The shame of having entered into such possession, and such fabrications of self dishonesty, became for me both a landmark and a gift. And yet although there was a point for me that – I will never allow such an extreme to happen again – there were subtle layers of Jealousy that still existed in me, and I realize now, still active in me, as I explore both the contents that I had accepted and allowed within the word Abandoned, and as well the wider perspectives of things that I have accepted and allowed myself to have exist within the fundamentals of my relationships to the reality of the world as presented by the beings around me.
Looking here at the case of Jealousy as presented by the Atlanteans as a part of my relationship towards the awareness that I see in others, as the world presenting, bringing a perspective or an insight of some kind, in which my whole perception of the situation becomes distorted and I become defensive, and so enable myself to overlook and not see what is really being presented, offered, given. And as well with the awareness as it exists within; where in a given moment I am seeing what would be best for me, and am knowing what to do, but am in a reaction, am shirking it off. When those gifts of perspective, reality cross-reference, common sense, specificity come over as a threat or an intrusion or as a bring-down, here is a point in which I am unknowingly expressing who I am as a point of jealousy.
Jealousy comes up as well as a point to open up for me as I walk this personal redefinition process of the word Abandoned – and it also brings the question: Is it not rather the other way about: a story of how I had accepted and allowed myself to furnish a Jealousy possession, with the word Abandon, and so lived a systematic form of Jealousy in this specific ‘individual’ way? Because something that I see within the definitions that I have walked so far of who I am within the word Abandon, is like the passive side of it only, while seeing the structure of Jealousy opens up an insight into the active parts, those parts in which I see myself saying things, thinking things that are really spiteful, expressing spite in not doing things, as well as doing things, those parts of my reality that I have judged and so suppressed.
From Day 417: Abandoned as Reality Check – Having written out this statement: “I commit myself to slow myself down and learn to listen to and to hear and to and respond to what I know within me is my own voice within me that is showing me what is best for me…” There comes up now a question: do I really understand within myself the nature of the resistance that I am accepting and allowing within not just simply doing that?
Because looking at that relationship, with awareness in me, where in a given moment I am seeing what would be best for me, and am knowing what to do, but yet am shirking off, and in a way within that shirk, putting that awareness behind me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that I am participating in a competitive program mode against my own awareness, and yet within my mind as ego, be accepting of that, because I have accepted and allowed my choice to ignore, exclude, put behind me, pay no attention to the awareness that is in me, for the sake of the experience of winning, and within that a spurious empowerment, in jealously guarding my own one definition of who I am, without regard or consideration, or conception of my own best interests.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this programming of jealousy into and as a part and dynamic structure of how I have lived the word Abandoned, where in a moment such as this I find my comfort zone within and as Abandoned, as who I am – lashing out – abandoning my reception, hearing of words that are in my own best interest, and from within and as this construct of Abandon then seeing how undermining such consideration and acceptance might be, of this position, and coming to blame its presence, while jealously also clinging to the positive experience of that single certainty of Adamant that I have accepted and allowed as me.
I forgive myself that within accepting that: that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as and for the separation programming that makes the world the way it is.
Within that also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that physical shirking gesture, to project almost like a shadow personality onto this perceived awareness, making it to be as if it were an entity that stood behind me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personify this projection in my mind because I see how that would seem to justify and validate my spite – as who I am as consciousness – with targeting of blame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this self-manipulation to be as a pattern in me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a kind of greed expressing who I am as greed within this empowerment experience, this full-on energy experience high of self-interest: to simply get more and more, to not be interrupted, to be at the front of it, to be there at the forefront, as the experience of my eyes, as if this were the interface, and then what I know to be in my best interests becomes like an irritation, or interruption, or interference.
With Adamant as a component of Abandon:
Imagination of Adamant: a multifaceted black diamond, suspended in space.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect this image in my mind to a definition of me and allowed it to exist within me. I commit myself now to move this fixture in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a spark reflection of this ‘black diamond suspended in space’ as a secret insight of me, as a resource of me, as a reference of me to me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see this expression of myself as Jealousy in protecting and defending this ‘secret insight’, as protecting this Possession, that is mine, that defines my ‘individuality’, that defines my need to have and be an ‘individual’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personalize this word, connecting in my mind my given name as representing who I am to this word Adamant as an absolute of hardness and as an image of unswayable resolution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a desire to be unswayable resolution, not seeing how within this I am expressing who I am as lost at sea within the networks of my self manipulations and self deceptions in self dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my own impenetrability of me to me, for accepting and allowing as a core experience of me, an image of my own giving up on facing the reality of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistake this frozen stance for being the nature of myself and so for it to be as an accepted part of my reality, where what I have banned within Abandoned is who I am as Change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a limit on the extent and depth of my self-intimacy, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a personality that stands for and as that limitation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach positive values to that stand.
I commit myself to release myself from the relationship that I have accepted and allowed of who I am as Adamant within and as the core of the word Abandoned.
Continuing next post…