Day 418: Abandoned: Physical Deconstruction and Dismantling

Day 418: Abandoned: Physical Deconstruction and Dismantling

Sharing my walk and journey through the matrix of this consciousness, and into physical awareness: continuing here with a process of Redefining the word  Abandoned as opened up by the Atlanteans.

Walking through this Redefinition process, a story unfolds: showing me how it is impossible to move on from living as an emotional design until it has been at least partially seen and understood and deconstructed: I could not have done this on my own – and I will always be grateful for the support of Desteni in doing this.

It’s very funny, and sometimes it makes me laugh how ridiculous I am being when I see how I am referring to this ‘I’ through a frame of consciousness, making strings of words – not redefined – but speaking of relationship to things such as the reality of Life Awareness Beingness Everywhere – as if that I was separate to that – in a mind-set of words that could only really dispose me into that separate perspective; so then it’s like in this redefining process the word Abandon, I’m sometimes kind of turning round inside myself and remembering of course – that being – that is me – is part of me, is part also of all these subtle levels of physical reality of which I talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look upon my world and not see it, but instead to find comfort in personal and intimate visions validating who I am within and as Abandon.

Suspicions as to the true nature of my unconscious – come manifest – around me in my physical room – seeing it sort of lodged into the folds of a physical terrace of a physical city, kind of at a tangent. This I see now has given rise to a feeling of impossibility in relation to physical plans: looking through the window ‘out there’ through my mind, looking at the physical world of traffic, of busyness, and seasons ‘going by’, and this impossibility was something that I could not let myself precisely see, it was like an underlying fact, embedded in the very sound of engines coming by and going by, a lullaby of longing and resignation in the very fabric of my world. The very going past and into past of things were like fuel to feed and validate my construct of Abandon; and Time Lost, everywhere I looked there would be like comfort zone reminders of the chaos of Abandon, evidence of wreckage, dissolution, corrosion, breakdown, happenstance, and desolation, seeing those details like reminders of some intimate truth of me reflected back at me. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold this truth of me as a belief within my mind, not seeing how this was the truth of my expression through and as the word Abandon that I had become possessed by.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my respect for me to be conditional on my being Adamant to cling to this possession, no matter what. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being Adamant was a noble quality without regard or consideration of what that may be actually attached to, I forgive myself that I derived a positive experience in myself in my acceptance and allowance of this judgement. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in Intuition, rather than seeing for real the programming within me that I accepted and allowed to make me feel that what I was doing was so right. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of letting go of this image in my mind of Adamant, fearing that in letting go I might then be swept into that experience of loss, of being lost, of being lost at sea without a definition of myself. I forgive myself that I did not allow myself to see and realise that anyway I am Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and to live out my perceptions and interpretations of the world through the filters that I have accepted and allowed myself to have installed into the word Abandon. I commit myself to let go of that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in fear in an image in my mind of the fall of splendor, onto the knees, fallen ego having doubled down and doubled down and doubled down, investing and investing into an emotional design, abd finally looked into the impossibility that I had defined into who I am within and as Abandon, having seen the opportunity of simply standing up and walking in reality, half a life ago, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to choose and live instead an emotional reality within and as Abandon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed great anger at myself that I could have made such a primary mistake that has consequently shaped my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in making this mistake. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling Desolate within myself in facing these realities of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the backchat invitations, talking of a Wasted Life.

With the paintings themselves as emotional designs: seeing and understanding the outplay of a possession with Abandon, I see also how I have surrounded myself with projected forms of this emotional design, and how I have been attempting to manifest this design into physical reality, how I have been attempting to assert my emotional reality onto the world, and how I have ended up stuck and unable to physically move – with a sense of impossibility – in a room that is literally wall-to-wall with reflections of this emotional design, not finding a solution as to how to move myself.

Carrying forward my processing and deconstruction of the word Abandon into physical action, involves the letting-go also of my bonds with and constriction with the physical creations that were the play-out of that possession, namely, a mass of paintings.

Decision: Ok it’s time to deconstruct this theatre that surrounds me. Action: Take canvas, turn it down to face the ground, then one by one remove the staples… This took quite a while, but being aware of what it was behind this thing that I was dismantling now with knife and pliers, I took it slowly and carefully. Within this I was experiencing for myself this for real, actually being physically on my knees, kind of yes, I’m on my knees in fact doing this, I breathe, there is another way. This time I will not allow myself to go into destruction mode because I realise that this would be a backdoor for the Abandon programming to – reintegrate – and I’ve been there before – that smash everything reaction, that reasserts a smashed up world. So I go carefully and with patience, removing each and every staple. Then: remove the wooden stretcher, dismantle, bundle, zip-tie, label. Then repeat the process with each one until all canvas is face down. Then roll all canvasses as one and wrap it up in duct tape. And then, phew, big outbreath. Now I am in a different place with this, I have moved myself.

continuing next post…

 

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

continuing next post…

Support for All at Desteni

Redefining and Living Words – SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey to Life

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2 thoughts on “Day 418: Abandoned: Physical Deconstruction and Dismantling

  1. Hey Adam! wow that’s quite a process you are deciding to go through. I had a moment like that yesterday when I ran out of white canvasses to paint on and I had been thinking about certain paintings I made 10 years ago that were the expression of everything that I saw as tumultuous and frightening at the time and painted over them with gesso. These had particular symbols that I could not fathom anyone having on their walls, which was the reason why I painted over them to turn them into something I can imagine me or anyone else hanging on their wall.
    I had a chat with Matti about it because I was then diving into judging most of my work from that time as too emotional, gloomy and pointless and I’ve also seen this happening to other people that have discarded a lot of their work because of this reason, however when I shared with him what I was considering to paint over, at the same time I got the feedback of how these could be liked by some people, and so I took into consideration how I was kind of getting myself into that ‘mode’ of wanting to get rid of them all in an attempt to get past ‘my past’ with certain paintings.
    So, I will definitely become more aware of how to practically assess what I want to get rid of in that sense, and not seeing the painting at ‘the problem’ but rather looking at my relationship to the image/painting and being able to ‘detach myself from it.
    Though here not saying that will work for you, because as we know each one has a different way of processing things, though I considered sharing of how there was a similar process going on in my case and how my plan is to currently reference with myself what are the reasons behind wanting to paint over something… and seeing whether I am wanting to get rid of something outside of myself that is more of an indication of me making peace with something that I can work with within myself… hmm interesting isn’t it? I’ll be looking into that.
    Thanks for sharing!

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