Day 413: Abandoned, Definitions
Since last post, sounding the word Strength: what I found within the word – so far – has been like my body coming up to meet me in the sound, completing it, completing me in it. So as I practice sounding it, and I practice feeling it within me, and at the same time I am utilizing it as support for me in my process of walking this word Abandon, and walking through it. In which seeing how I became possessed by this word, I see now how I lost my wholeness and how I sabotaged my stand.
Seeing how a particular word has been written throughout your life can expose an entirely different perspective and understanding of your own reality. This is quite a humbling experience because it shows how pervasive is the consciousness projection, and the extent of the problem, while at the same time this understanding provides the means of change.
What sort of things happen when a word directs your life, what sort of life would be the outplay consequence of that? It is quite a shock to see that rather than ‘free choice’, the moments of decision that shaped my life were more like me drawing comfort from feeding who I am defined within and as this word Abandoned, personifying in a way the preferences of Abandoned, for example, exploring Lost, exploring Wreckage, getting ‘Wrecked’, enjoying Solitude, getting Smashed, and getting Stoned, getting experiences suitable to feed Abandoned with, scavenging the shore line, liking crows, having an affinity with rats, or else in the music of the time, experiencing certain lyrics as being resonant, as ‘near to my heart’, such as, Hello Darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again, or, I am a Rock, I am an Island, like self pity feeds. And from Abandoned in music, to Abandoned on acid: Ground control to Major Tom, or, Abandoned in film, such as 2001, or Abandoned in literature: the Lost World, the foods with which to supply Abandoned from the cultures of my world were plentiful.
Looking at the word Abandoned, its immediate conscious connotations: a Desert island, where being abandoned meant to me being ‘left behind’ on an island: Deserted. I stood on the beach and saw the boat was gone, and realized “I Have/Am been/being Abandoned”.
The word Abandon, in connection to projects and plans: When difficulties mounted up I would abandon the project, abandon the relationship, friends, jobs, sometimes cities, sometimes countries. This dashing of respect for my own endeavors became also like an expression of my power to abandon, and in relationships an expression of doing unto others what had been done to me.
The word Abandonment, immediate connotations: a deserted village, an empty factory, wrecked buildings, trash, getting trashed, wasteland, getting wasted.
Though this by no means was the beginning of my living out the word Abandon – so many instances of this were present in my early life – but there was a definite point in my teens in which it’s programming reached completion: It was when I realized that my mother wasn’t coming back, I felt abandoned, my knees buckled and I fell down, I felt self pity, I felt gutted, as if my life force had gone, that it was the end of everything for me, that all was lost.
Opening up the word Abandon, I opened up a grief, a grief I had not been aware of, that was part of me, that was always in the fabric of my life: in the details of my history, within my preferences, my decisions, where I chose to live, what I chose to do with me, how I did the things I chose to do, in my relationships with people, in my clothing, in my shoes, in my socks, in every place, perspective, interest, project, view: ubiquitous, and yet invisible. In relation to myself, grasping a specific thread that weaves throughout my history of my bemusement/puzzlement – within that searching everywhere, but not seeing the wood for trees – the outline of the word Abandon emerges now.
And yes there is this everywhere and everything effect of light-bulb moments – as if there were nothing else but this one single point, at the centre of a spider-graph of related words – and the related words such as for example ‘Lost’, ‘Wrecked’, ‘Alone’, ‘The Wasteland’, became like experiential feeding tubes stuck into this possession – all of which I explained away to me as peculiarities of being me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience abandoned as something done unto me, an action done to me that I could do nothing about. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed within becoming the experience of abandoned to define myself as being the victim. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect into the word abandon, victimhood. I forgive myself that I did not accept or allow myself to see that even though I had used a fantasy of my mother’s support for me to stand, and then realizing that this was fantasy, that this did not mean that I could not learn to support myself in physical reality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not support myself without the fantasy of my mother’s secret support/ good intentions of me, and care for me. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the experience of abandon and that within that experience I defined myself in my mother’s eyes as being a bad son, as being a failure, as being an object of shame. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to then experience these definitions of myself as feeling bad and feeling worthless and feeling shame, within the definition of myself as Abandoned.