Releasing the word Calm from Positive Experience Systems
In redefining Calm, I see how I have also stepped into a process of learning how to slow it down, how to deepen my stability.
So as to see the living nature of Calm itself, and recognize its source within me, and create for me the means with which to live it, to plant the seed of it, to allow it to develop in my life as a living part of me, as a living starting point of me, therefore practically first it is for me to clear the word of mind experience, and first in clearing that, to be clear within myself of what it is I’m doing, because I see how I have been using Calm as a magic wand for self protection.
Something that I’ve found is, as a component of my mind, in the structures of my living me, how centrally Calm has mattered to me within and as a hub of systems, where resistances to dismantling this programming come up as anxieties and fears about then What else is there? A kind of fear along the edge of programming, where seeing how I have been living out such things I kind of glimpse that in fact there is an outer world, beyond relationships to my mind only, and my emotions, and my definitions of myself, a world in which the word Calm exists within and as itself.
What matter have I created through this use of the vehicle of the word Calm? What mattered in that moment where it seemed like an emergency to stop myself being torn to pieces by my mind? What mattered was in that moment to use this Calm to overwhelm the torment, where I had accepted and allowed the torment as separate from me, where up against a wall within myself I called on Calm – to save me – as a savior in my personal religion in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be content with making myself feel ok with using the word Calm as a soother, or as a personal savior in my mind religion in which I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything’s ok because I have shifted into an experience of faith in hope and have suppressed the torment in my mind, or else have accepted and allowed myself in being as Hope to be disempowered within myself in waiting for the reactions to eventually subside.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define I’m Ok within me as being within and as this use of Calm within my mind, and to have accepted and allowed myself to define Calm within and as a personal private tool to manage my emotional world, without consideration of what is Calm within itself, or consideration of who I am self honestly in what it is that I have accepted and allowed, which is as fear, which is a battle with distress, which is a victory of suppression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see how personal has been my definition of Calm, and through not seeing that, I forgive myself that I have also not seen or understood how this Calm that I have lived has no reference except to who I am in faith and hope in my relationship to emotions. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself and so within that been content with living a definition of Calm that is based in my self interest, and within that I see and realise how I have been sabotaging me, allowing myself to be fooled by who I am as Calm defined as a positive experience in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my feeling good experience and memories with images and words that I have connected into it, such as images of beach and sea and turquoise waters, sun and basking, and images connected into ‘Natural’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in all these illustrations that I have accepted and allowed myself to store in Calm, and seeing and understanding the functions of these images, experiences, words that they somehow seem to justify this positive resort, to try and make it real, therefore I release these words from Calm. I do not need to defend myself in this position any more because I see the common sense that it is not justified, it is not real, I release myself from this position, I release the images of calm as somewhere else, as far away, from the word Calm. I release the word Natural from Calm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word Natural to the word Calm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a feeling of longing within the word Natural seen as far away connected into Calm. I forgive myself that I have manipulated myself within this longing into putting value into Calm.
More on this to come…
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