Day 394: A Quantum Systemization of Work Experience
Seeing an emotional experience for what it is can be tricky when it has become established into and as your world, relived every day, over and over.
There is a waking-up type of moment within seeing that. And in seeing and understanding it, there is the opening of solution.
A specific emotional experience, a Quantum Systemization, is discussed here, a relationship to work, in ‘Work, Work, Work‘, in which under the pressures of working life, kind of overwhelmed with dreariness, we start to live such backchats as: What’s the point, where’s this going, am I of any worth or value here, why am I doing this, I am just a robot… where the experience of ourselves within this backchat becomes like an experience of being forced to do things, of being dead inside, going nowhere, feeling like nothing. And then within the emotional world provided by the structures of the backchat, there comes up irritation, touchiness, and blaming people, and a desire to get away from here.
Listening to this recording I recognized myself very much within and as the turmoil of this specific emotional experience, and something that I realized also was how I had then defined this experience into the word Obligation, yet another way that I had made the word Obligation into a negative experience: and so something to be avoided, the negative experience being as the outcome of these backchats, and the fear of this experience inside of me of deadness, where what I was showing myself was the simple fact of how I’d lost touch with me in all of this, where I had chosen to go into an emotional experience of this lostness, of this slavery, of this resentment, rather than to see how I had not defined for me my own responsibility in doing what I am doing, that would make the obligation a simple extension, natural, flowing, enthusiastic, rather than seemingly imposed on me, seemingly hostile, alien to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of deadness in me, and for believing that this is a perception of something real. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this feeling is showing me that I have somehow lost touch with myself within what I am doing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience that I have accepted and allowed within me of who I am as dead within my world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this experience to exist. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get away from this experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automate a fear within me in support of my avoidance of this experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed that if I am to live as the avoidance of my own experience then I must accept the fear I have as part of it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to systemize these self-dishonesties, in which avoiding who I am, I have walked into an experience of being lost, of being as dead inside, and then lived as my reaction to it.
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