Day 392: Experiment, Reverberation and I MATTER
An Experiment: Becoming in breath reflective, alone, quiet, settled, ready to sound a word, a practical experiment, for the purpose of observation of effects, seeing what reverberations may come up, or memory, imagination, or emotional energy or feeling or whatever has become connected to or gathered round a specific word, or even come to dominate that word: simple steps of introspection and writing. By writing, what I mean is simply that process of transfer of what I find going on inside me in this introspection, into the physical environment of written words, where they stand stable in time and space, rather than as ephemera in my mind.
It is through this process writing out of me, that I move myself from the experience of me as a current aspect of a pattern of words, to a seeing and understanding of the wider picture of the pattern itself, or a sentence I’ve been living. This is how this writing process is expansive because I move myself towards equality with the patterns I have lived, and so come to embrace them, and so give back to me the ability to direct and redirect these ways of being that I have lived.
The word Experiment: It was through the word Experiment that I first supported and allowed myself to try the tool of Self Forgiveness, to simply check it out for me: the word Experiment supported me in that I required certain clinical conditions and detachment in what I was about to do; it was supportive in the sense that I was comfortable with the word, and designing an experiment for me was something I felt naturally equal to. Though I did not realise it clearly at the time, I was daring to stand as self responsibility, that it was this in my application of Self Forgiveness that was the essential part of it, and in a way it was this that I was checking out, and in a way as well, in retrospect, it was a door I had just walked through hardly noticing it, not seeing the full significance of this decision, of standing up deliberately from the structures of my mind.
With Experiment, and sounding I MATTER, something that came up for me was a point of Matter in relationships, in which I am kind of horrified to see the way that I have used this point of Matter in my life: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing me as is in how I’ve dealt with, managed, coped with points generated by I don’t matter to you/ you don’t matter to me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather than seeing these points as they arise and questioning with myself who I am within these words in this moment, instead I have used this mattering to justify a walk away from.
That sense of horror seeing this as is of me comes from seeing in another being what I have not allowed myself to see as my experience of myself, and instead allowing myself to feel the full extent of that in this projection and imagination of how it must have been for them, what I was putting onto them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this part of me that has stood within and as and for such strategies, for and as the purpose of suppressing this emotion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear at experiencing the emotion that I accepted and allowed as part of my acceptance of being defined by others as not mattering. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself an experience of diminishment and uselessness within not mattering in the eyes of others, disempowered within a negative experience of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to exert such a state of being onto another person, as in taking a stand of grandiosity and competitive power, so as to serve a comfort zone of isolation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this conflict to exist within me as a fear of my own experience of me when I meet another person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that these points are present in the background of my mind when I meet with people. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define incidental as being other to, excluded from the matter. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the matter of meeting with another being that happens unpredictably, such as in the street, as being ‘incidental’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be participating in a projection of the other being as them defining their meeting with me as ‘incidental’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in justifications and reasonings to support and verify this ‘incidental’ frame upon this meeting, on these words, on this communication. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed these points as a dissonance within me as an insecurity in who I am in relation to the words I MATTER.
Who I am in that moment in the physical in meeting people, something general, when the paths cross or go together for a while, and there is face to face, and words exchanged, and so much more expressed and shared, in which the realization and awareness of ‘another life being here’ comes up and yet that thought itself seems too dazzling, too magnificent to approach, to practically broach in words, seems too wide somehow to embrace, to find a common ground for that. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge this thought with the light of spiritual energy, and so separate myself from me and from the real person that is here with me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through this to participate in excitement ‘about’ reality, through which I have accepted and allowed myself to blabber thoughts without consideration, without connection to what is here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a hope within this energy that something telepathic may be happening – despite the words.
In that ‘something general’ I was looking at in relation to me in meetings, I realized it was like generally some time later that I would come to really go through all the things that I was reading in real time in the meeting: it was not that I was not observing what was happening, but that I was suspended in some kind of way from my observations. It was through seeing this that I realized to what extent that I had not been fully present at the meetings, in many many meetings, so that this experience of delay became like a normalized aspect of my experience of me, a sort of general process of resettling in myself and looking at the memories, and seeing the stuff that I was seeing at the time, but not considering who I was within that delay, and that resettling; where both were showing me that I’d been distracted at the time, unaware of a reaction that was there.
I commit myself to learn to be really with myself with my breath and ground myself in meetings with people, where I learn to stand within and as the words I MATTER, in considerations of myself, and others as myself. I commit myself to release the dynamics and the conflict that I have accepted and allowed as definitions of myself with points generated by I don’t matter to you/ you don’t matter to me. I commit myself to release these points that I have accepted and allowed to undermine me.
Practical in I MATTER:
Sounding the words I Matter and getting a reference of where you are at with you
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