Day 387: The Decision to Live!
When I looked into the word Decision it was like seeing close up a part of an elegantly simple tool, from the inside, with arcs or bands of metal, yet seeing only a part of it, something like a close up aspect of the letter D, and from being already in it, amongst these arcs, not outside of it like other words could be for me at first; and my relationship to these metal bands was as with recognizing a working tool, keeping the edges clear and shiny, and well defined, as if the tool itself and the maintenance of this tool were as one.
And what I’d do at first as I looked again at what was there within Decision, to see the wider extent of it, to see more: and yet something that I realized was that though I’d been looking at just a part of it, such as the profile of an edge of D, that view of it was enough, enough to make a first embrace of this, get going with it, work with it, enough for maintenance, enough for me to qualify this tool for me, gradually bring into it and furnish it with the many aspects that I wanted, extending who I am within and as Decision, so that Decision becomes everything I want it to be, like as in components of a constant breath or starting point. Here is where in the practice of bringing the one decision into my awareness in my breathing in and out, I attach the word Decision to my breath, to the word of Breath, to my constancy of me as breath.
Redefining Decision as: “The decision I live to redefine my SELF in REAL TIME as LIVING WORDS the moment I see my thoughts / emotions compromise me.”
I commit myself to not judging me in repeating this commitment, as I take on to walk this process, so again I write the statement: I commit myself to walk and practice this One Decision, to clarify this one decision in me, that this one decision becomes a living part of me, with me, in support of me, in my breathing breath as me in every moment, in the starting point of me. I commit myself to living patience with myself in learning how to bring this one decision into the starting point of me, that decision redefined may become a natural part of me.
So it’s like for me: Have a look: What words to live can be contained within the very fabric of Decision? Such as in Decision, I live Care, I live Forgiveness, I live Patience, I live Calm, I live the words I choose to live as one, as part of the one decision, and from this word extend myself into other words to live, and bring them into the embrace of my living of the word Decision.
In practicing this specific breath, I find something new for me: that in breathing out the accumulated thoughts and energies, where in me exists in real time the Decision, I simply breathe it out, kind of whatever it is, recognizing accumulation, that has incipient points and thoughts and conflicts calling for attention, but instead, simply clearing out, and then breathing in with awareness of the simple one decision that I strengthen, make it how I want Decision to be, what I want Decision to include in me, that from there I choose a word to live: a new word to live, or a word that I am living that is already present in the word decision.
A question came up in me of: Have I ever really decided to live? Is there present in decision, my decision to live? Would I like for this decision to become a part of who I am within this One Decision? And here I realise that this one Decision to be living words can be also my decision to live, that that is what it is: my decision to live.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never actually decide to live, to commit myself to living. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live Reluctance in the face of Life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my own life as if it had been thrust upon me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within this relationship of complaint in living to have separated me from life.
Therefore as I redefine Decision I bring into this one decision, the decision to Live, as part of who I am as Breath.
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