Sharing here a moment of stress, where I have shifted from being with my living breathing me in support of me, to instead becoming as the output of my own dynamic engineering: where I have accepted and allowed myself to walk habitual energy patterns into existence in me, elaborating and evolving them from my internal use/abuse of words, from the definitions of my words, limiting my words to functioning as energetic stations/switch-points in a labyrinth of inner tracks, where this moment comes up in physical reality as I rush or wait on narrow platforms, that I now begin to see as well are platforms that I stand on, that I myself designed for me and then signed off on.
Within me and so without of me as well, looms the manifested consequence of consciousness; standing with my baggage in front of a screened kaleidoscope of digital instruction, words, location names and neon arrows, I check again the personal physical reality; which pocket did I stash that piece of paper, and once again I cannot find it.
Within these moments, going from one pocket of my clothing to another, one memory to another and back again, I am in distress, that I will not find it, that I have somehow lost it, and through that word, Somehow, with nebulous implications, I follow the authority of this doubt that I have given to it, along a trail back down endless twists and turns of corridors and concourse tubes, the records of my immediate past, as if to find a memory in which I might have accidently dropped it, or thrown it away amongst some rubbish, or scary stories of scenarios like that, where what I am accepting and allowing is for fear to escalate, coursing in a rush through the blood capillaries of my body, and in the heart of it, that old fear within the shock of realization of having forgotten something vital is refreshed and present in my fingertips as they search the linings of my pockets, and a feeling of uselessness invades me, a sense of having no defense against this memory gap that sabotages me, again, within this pattern.
And then I find the ticket, and in finding it, and holding it in my hand, still within this pattern, I then go into calming down. And then within me I realise again, that I am so tired of this routine that I have accepted and allowed as who I am, and yet have not so far changed. And then, even that sentence there I realise now, becomes a part of this same pattern. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of tiredness of all this shit as part and parcel of who I am, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly resign within this tiredness experience towards facing my old patterns, where in this tiredness I willingly conform to how I have defined this word Calm as a polarity of relief of stress/distress, where I have accepted and allowed a part of me to be unwilling to let it go.
This dependence or addiction you could say, to Calm, electric, rests upon this view of who I am at the source of it, seeing this part of me as an unfortunate fact in my own history, that there was ‘nothing to be done’ for example about those memory holes: that was just an unfortunate fact of being me, or like the unfortunate fact of ‘how I’ve always been’ in relation to the ups and downs of energy. So that in a way as I look into this point what I see as referencing it is a childhood me in resignation to the apparent facts of me, without an inkling of the basic reality of self as creative being; and from that perspective of walking in and as a systematic life, in which that design of Calm came to be valued and protected. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of loss to be attached to redefining Calm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require that calm as such be valued and protected, and within the bounds of that protection, not looking at it too closely, connected as it is to the distress.
So this time to look more closely at what it is that I am accepting and allowing within me as unchangeable, that seems to justify a definition of Calm within ‘It’ll be ok’, and ‘I’ll rest here for a moment’, Calm as opposite to storming in myself, a Calm that requires the storming to exist, so that in my experience of calm there must exist a context of this stormy energy, and in the Calmness, the requirement of a feeling energy, and in that, an experience that I have connected into Calm, an experience of Calm that has no depth, is only transient. So in this pattern Calm exists as: It’s ok I’ve made myself feel better, not seeing how within this there is no reference of Calm itself, but only to the management of the emotion in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that I have defined Calm within and as an aspect of my accepted inner turbulence. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no other way to be. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a victim of who I am, in seeing me defined as me, and limiting myself to the mind control of ‘That is who I am, I have no other choice.’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of loss in redefining Calm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this definition of calm that I have lived is vital to me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the memory holes, not seeing within that my own responsibility for the consequence of not being here, but in my mind instead, distracted and preoccupied. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to both define and judge myself with ‘having memory holes’ as if that were an affliction in itself that I must live with.
Continuing next post…
For those interested in walking a process of redefining Calm
Reference: Living Words: Calm – Part 1
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