Day 365: Fear of Change and Challenge
Seeing how I am still defining something that I see as really difficult, or even impossible, right now, as a Challenge, I see how I have defined Challenge within this difficulty or obstruction that I am seeing: where, ok interpreting this difficulty as a Challenge opens it up in the way that I am facing it as something that I’m going to work with/on/at, and yet I realise that this aspect of Challenge itself is not something that I have looked at: that it does involve some difficulty, and practically this may be so, but it also does involve some limitation that I have put on me, that I have included in some way into a self definition, that in reacting to a boundary that I have set within me, I do not see the simple testing process, the opportunity to test the grounding in myself, that exists in Challenge, but what I have been looking at instead has been like some rigid aspect of my definition of me: such as Who I am is that I can’t do this, or that, and within that, changing who I am towards this difficulty involves a fear of losing part of me, where what I do not want to be aware of is that this difficulty that I see is exactly this that is confronting me, this fear of changing who I am in how I have defined myself to be, towards this thing, and not seeing this, I am looking round this fear and seeing the difficulty as something that exists outside of me, a form of blame in a way.
The example of this, out of which I am writing, is in seeing some insurmountable difficulty in writing what is happening: facing apparently a wall, in which I am participating in a fear of not having any access to myself, and fear of being in that experience of stuck, and victim to that wall, and so being in an experience of disempowerment.
And within that, being tempted to avoid this wall, this belief of not having access to myself, to walk away and maybe come back later, from a different angle maybe, or in some story to myself, when magically a door had reappeared. Like, in a way, that later on, I might get lucky with my mind, and then going into that as form of comfort, walking into a world in which I had completely forgotten about my own responsibility throughout myself, and so also in definitions of myself that I have accepted and allowed within myself within ‘I can’t do that’ and ‘I can’t get access’ and within that fear of who I am within and as these limitations. Where in relation to Challenge, I am seeing the challenge as something that exists in this focus on this apparent difficulty in the light of blame, rather than seeing the Challenge as a part of me, that the Challenge itself is existing really in a challenge in myself to let go of these definitions of myself as limited by the mind, as not responsible for this experience of myself as disempowered, as subject to a condition of my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of disempowerment, and within that fear, to not allow myself to see that what I am in fact protecting is a definition of myself within ‘I can’t do that’ and so experiencing myself as this limitation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the limitations that I have accepted and allowed as who I am onto tasks and ventures and investigations that are here for me, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to see difficulties that apparently block my way, rather than seeing and realizing and understanding that I am the way that with my definitions of myself that I am blocking. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am in fact the door that I believe I cannot open, that in seeing a wall that is outside of my awareness that I can simply ask myself who am I within myself in seeing it thus, what is it in myself that makes it seem like this, and how can I change myself towards this difficulty that I see, how much of this difficulty has a starting point in who I am towards it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat of ‘I can’t do this’ to exist within me, and that through fear of rediscovering for myself the apparent reality of this, that I have accepted and allowed this backchat to have a deciding influence on me and over me, in which I do not question it, in which in a way that I am saying that I know everything about my being and about my limitations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the thought that ‘I can’t get access’ where I have accepted and allowed memories to come up inside me of instances of being locked out, of being without a key, and that I have accepted and allowed such memories to come up in me and then somehow validate this relationship of me towards myself.
… continuing next post …
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