Day 362: All in Change – Dimension of Challenge
Some self forgiveness seems so massive that I know that I must remind myself continually and commit myself to somehow find a way to live it, deepen it: like in the realization that one cannot just simply forgive oneself for everything, and that is that, because of simply the reality of the specific nature of all the layers and instances and living moments of me in ‘I am’ misalignments that all together go into and accumulate and contribute into that experience of everything.
And yet in having a relationship with my body and making changes to that there is a realization of that who I am as being inclusive of the physical extension of me as being into the physical realm of my body that there is a forgiveness that I must learn to live that is a kind of an ‘everything’ forgiveness, in which I learn the all of me is one together as the all of me, and that is what I learn to move as one in the realization of the separation that exists in my relationship ‘to’ my body, rather than my relationship with and as my body as including me, as all of me.
There is a specific relationship here that is one of spite towards my body which is gathered up physically into for example a point of pain in the muscle group as a knot on my right shoulder blade, and releasing this I have found is possible as a work of all of me as all of me, while in my mind, this same point that I forgive is that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk a relationship of spite as recognizing the unconditional nature of support that is this part of me as my body, and then abusing that; seeing some advantage of a positioning of me as mind as of a master to a faithful servant that I have seen myself as being free to secretly abuse, this unconditional part of me, that in my relationship of me as fear connected to responsibility, that I have throughout my life made ways and means and channels for the spite and blame to be directed into the physical parts of me, that absorbent and receptive nature of this physical realm of unconditional support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout the years allow this relationship of spite towards myself to become within my own terms naturalized, within which I have accepted and allowed my ‘terms’ to be suppressed within me. I forgive myself that I have in my life accepted and allowed myself to participate intensively as blame of my body for not being there for me, for not being able to carry out the demands of who I am as tyranny within who I am within and as my mind, within which I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my body for not being there for me as an extension of my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me as who I am within this spite to have exist within me this underwritten statement of therefore, I shall walk alone, secretly in spite of the unconditional support of this part of me as the physical that I must therefore hold as separate from me, to validate this spite.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Challenge according to my self interests, and through the nature of these self interests, and that I have accepted and allowed for Challenge to define me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape my life according to avoiding Challenge, and for not allowing myself to see that in avoiding challenge that I have accepted and allowed myself to have avoided testing out myself, to have avoided testing out my steps of learning, to have avoided establishing in me through testing me a trust in who I am as capable of change.
I commit myself to walk this All in Change as Challenge with remaining present with me as All of me, where Challenges arrive for me in support of me such as Challenges to drop my old-self patterns and relationships within me, and within that to recognize that Challenges such as this are Challenges that all must walk as what is present here, the challenge to Humanity to change, as both All and individual as All in self alone.
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