Day 356: Drive and Driven
… continuing: since Day 353, a process of redefining who I am in Challenge, and here, giving myself the time in diligence within this of walking a subsidiary word that I have found come up in exploration of my experience of the word Challenge, the word Drive.
It’s taken quite a lot of mulling in my mind of how I can possibly relate to this, like turning over the question of: Where to start? It’s interesting how in perceiving simplicity in a word or in a sentence it can somehow seem to justify a quickly-moving-on reaction, and in not noticing that, to then miss the deeper contents, where also what is missed is a reluctance to really pay this simplicity an equal respect of attention. Where seeing this simplicity, what I then resolved to do was simply testing out when and as I am going into some activity in my daily life, asking myself: Ok so who am I as Drive within this?
Here is an example: where, as in a quest, not seeing an immediate line of investigation, within the perception of simplicity, I have entered into a vaguely negative experience within myself, of: I don’t know, there’s nothing I can do with this, there’s nothing there, I am thwarted in a way, that then I enter into a moment in which I entertain an urge to watch a video, and in that moment, instead of going with that, asking me: Who am I as Drive within this?
And what I saw in looking into this is how I had actually resigned within being Driven – for the sake of some distraction, so as to switch the channel, as it were, from some bad feeling movement going on or turning over inside of me. This is a specific example but it represents also other similar points in my usual day to day experience, in which rather than recognizing my responsibility within becoming: I can’t do this, I don’t know, I am thwarted, that I am accepting and allowing a self victimization within this and a self disempowerment in which rather than seeing how within this that I am Driven by some fear or by some judgement, or some positive feeling energy reward, that I go into the self dishonesty of this is me in Drive, that who I am is justified within this Driven, that I am not Driven, this is me as Drive. It’s just that suddenly I have decided, within my rights of freedom, to not do this thing right now, but instead to do it later. Of course there is a righteousness in that, that helps me feel ok about actually switching my purpose in myself from one moment to the next. And within this process, there is awareness in myself of seeing myself giving up on me, not standing with me, but instead going with these backchats of my mind, telling me that: I don’t know, There’s nothing there, I can’t do this, I don’t know where to start. Looking at this statement then, this claim that this is me as Drive, I see how I have accumulated negative experience into Drive, that what I stand as here is a simulation of myself as Drive, within which I am in fact as Driven. So here is a practical place for me to start in the redefinition process of Drive: where seeing how I have defined myself in Drive in this way that I can begin through self forgiveness with purifying this aspect of the word as I have lived it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Simple within a backchat of: there’s nothing for me to consider within this, that reading this I already get it, that what I need to understand must be somehow hidden in some complexity that is equal somehow to my prowess as a thinking process in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind’s evaluations of prowess, in relation to the information that I see before me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I know what I might find within a word, even at a glance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Drive with judgements of who I am as in denial of being driven. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to include conflict with myself within this word as I have lived it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed through this to not allow myself to look at in self honesty what for me exists within this word. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim that I am responsible, that this is who I am in Drive, when in the reality of myself I do not want to see how I am accepting and allowing myself to be driven.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consent to whole constructs of programming of energy within the statement: This is who I am as the Drive within me, when it is through this statement that I have stepped into and then participated in the energy as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within making this mistake, and for not yet having learned in absolute the different ways in which I am driven.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other selfs within the world, and then to judge my self as being inferior to others, because I do not have this thing called ‘Drive’, as necessary for ‘Success’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take these systematic definitions of the words Drive and of Success in a personal way, where in seeing myself as not driven by ambition, that I have accepted and allowed that in not having this specific drive, that therefore what I must become is Failure. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within and as this dimension of Failure, to have shied away from Challenge.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in not having this ambitious Drive. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no Drive. I forgive myself that in accepting and allowing myself to believe in this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to shy away from examining who I am in Drive.
… continuing next post …
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